What's done is done, a burnt aspiring writer

Several months back I joined a manuscript critique group through Writer's Market. The game plan was to read each manuscript in it's entirety, give a detailed written critique and try to meet up a few times on Skype to give verbal critiques. I even went out and bought a microphone for my computer for this purpose.

By chance my manuscript happened to go last. My two "partners" received timely, detailed written and oral critiques from me. I read their pieces during my lunch breaks and my days off because I was dedicated to this group and it's purpose. When my turn came I did not get the same level of respect. They both claimed they were too busy with family events, vacations, ect...

They didn't read my piece by the deadlines we all agreed on and there was only one Skype meeting where one member was missing. One of my partners didn't give any written critique on the last section of my book because they claimed "it would just be more of the same things she already told me." Ouch! I personally don't commit to something unless I feel I can follow through. I tried chasing them down via email, but the one time they were willing to Skype I happened to be unavailable, so now I was the un-cooperative one.

I'll tell you what this did to me as a writer...I stopped writing altogether. I gave up on editing my manuscript because they made me feel like shit as a writer. Apparently my manuscript was so bad and unworthy of their time. I get that this is a harsh industry and tons of agents/publishers will probably do the same thing to me, but I didn't expect it from fellow writers. And I feel used since I gave them critiques on their pieces but never fully got one on mine.

It's been months and what's done is done. They've moved on, but I'm still hurt. I worked so hard on my manuscript and really put myself out there for them to read it and help me craft it, they just abandoned me. I don't even go on Writersmarket.com anymore either...turned off by it all. How unfortunate that two people ruined the entire experience for me.

On a side note I would like to thank Claire who was my faithful chapter exchange buddy on another manuscript until my life began to unravel around me and I gave up. Thank you for your loyalty and consistent critiques.

Updates

So for those of you who have been faithfully following me, I thought I'd update you on the current projects in my life:

Employment: a week from today I start my new job as a call center customer service rep at the FABULOUS MVP Healthcare. This job is about a five minute drive from my house, benefits start first day of hire, and I'm making the most hourly that I've ever made.

Housing: It's been months since I submitted my "Deed in lieu of foreclosure" application and I have to say I feel like I'm getting jerked around here. When I initially called in to request an application the rep failed to mention that I won't even be considered unless my house is on the market, but a month after I send in my application we get a phone call regarding this. They further tell us that the house must be listed for at least 90 days. After my brother sweet talks them on my behalf they say as long as we list our house they'll work on the whole 90 day requirement because of our circumstances aka the divorce. We go For Sale By Owner and buy a package with an MLS listing, as soon as I get proof of this I fax it right over to them. I wait 3 days to follow up per their instructions and then I'm told our application has basically been sitting around collecting dust because they're missing: our 2008 tax return, 209 tax return w/ signatures, and 2 months worth of bank statements. I would like to know why no one contacted me about this or why no one mentioned it during the numerous follow-up calls I've been making? Another month has been wasted. WTF!?

I found an amazing apartment complex in Clifton Park that has everything I need and in my price range: 2 bedrooms, an eat-in kitchen, storage unit in my apartment, off street parking, good and safe neighborhood, accepts pets, and a laundry hook-up in my own apartment. I salivate at the website every day, but decided tos tep back since I can't move in until I get rid of the house and getting rid of the house is proving very difficult. The complex always ha openings, so when teh time comes it'll happen.

Romance: Last weekend Jason and I spent the entire weekend together. We did have a major blow-out, but I think that's all part of a relationship. In the end we talked things out and have a new understanding of each other. There was plenty of good home cooked food, watching movies, cuddling, and some light clean-up after wards. I look forward to when we can do it again. My gut still screams at me "He's a good man".

Divorce: Antonio, his lawyer, me, and my lawyer all met last Wednesday morning to iron out some details. Things went very smoothly and both lawyers strongly feel we'll be divorced by the end of the calender year. The benefit to that is that we can file "single" on our tax returns according to our accountant. Before I got married I always received sizable returns, but now Antonio's Ebay business eats up all my returns and we end up owing so essentially I'm paying taxes twice: mine and his. This will be nice because I could really use the money to pay some bills. Antonio's lawyer is supposed to draw up our divorce papers, my lawyer will proofread and make any amendments, then we both sign and file. This could be a couple weeks process. Then once filed it takes 30-60 days for a judge to review and approve it.

My homework assignment is to refinance my car in just my name only in an effort to further separate our mutual assets and once that is done all we have left is the damn house. Refinancing my car has not been fun either. Once the bank finally decided to give me a break I couldn't find my title, so I have to go down to DMV and re-order it. Then once it comes in the mail I'll drive up to the bank in Saratoga (about an hr away) to sign papers and be done with it.


My life has been up, it's been done, but I'm still standing.

Untitled Poem

The dreams I created as a child are faded
Opportunity denied me as the pessimist battled the optimist inside me
Who am I? A shadow of myself
Spinning around in circles too dizzy I fall down
Wish someone would show me the way around
A stray puppy left out in the cold after one to many scoldings
No one beats me down better that me just check out the scars on my body
One step forward, two back as I react too another bad tune of news
I'll sing the blues off key
Happiness is a fairytale I may never know
All I have to show is that I'm still here breathing, standing, fighting
It isn't right that everything is an uphill battle
Fuck being a black sheep, I'm the damn black cattle
Tears dance down my face passed my pretty smile
The naive skeptic, sometimes it may take me a while
To realize what's the reason behind it all
Built Ford tough I get right back up after each nasty fall
Email empty, phone don't ring, home alone sitting in the dark
This time around it's a solo mission I must embark
Why am I here? To drown in each day in an ocean of fear?
Life packed in boxes, boxes collected dust
My heart, my head, my past who am I to trust?
This path is torturous

Movin' On Up

Those of you who have stood by and supported me through my darkest hour, I say once again "Thank you" as things are starting to turn around.

It's official that I will be starting a new job at MVP Healthcare Mon Oct 18, 2010. I'm NOT taking a pay cut, get great benefits that start first day of hire, and the location is about 5 minutes from where I currently live. This is a company I have been trying to get into for over two years, a highly coveted employer in my area, so I feel very fortunate. There was a job fair back in August where a couple hundred people showed up for the 20-30 positions that were opened up. They chose me!

It's a call center job, which I loved, so here's hoping I'm the rock star (performance wise) at this job that I was when I worked for Blue Cross/Blue Shield. I'm hoping this is the career I've been looking for since I graduated college more than seven years ago. The company I can grow with and eventually several years down the line retire from. If I have learned anything from my past mistakes at previous jobs, this time around I plan to 1) fly under the radar to avoid ruffling any feathers 2)let the chips fall where they may

Secondly I would like to reiterate that I met a great guy. We're taking our time getting to know each other and the more I know, the more I like him. Is he perfect? Absolutely not, but he has the core ingredients to what I want in a partner: honest, affectionate, loyal, intelligent, great listener, makes me laugh/smile, and easy on the eyes. There are some things that we both need to work on, but it'll happen. Must be patient.

So piece by piece it looks like my life is slowly turning around for the better.

Sex is...

Many things to many different people. It could be as simple as "I'm horny and I need to act out on it." Then you find random person to fulfill said need. It can be with anyone, anywhere, at anytime, and as often as is needed to get the job done. Think Samantha from Sex and The City.

For others it's a manifestation of emotions, a form of expression for how you care about someone. This can be referred to as "making love". It can be put up on such a pedestal that an individual puts confinements on this act: only once I'm married, only in a deeply committed relationship, only when I'm in love.

Other reasons might be boredom or curiosity. What's it feel like? What do they feel like? This tends to be the thought process of the inexperienced folk.

There are those who use sex as a means of manipulation to gain some power. Trophy wives, strippers, most of the characters on the original Melrose Place.
Let me make you feel good so you can do something later on that will benefit me. If you can master this, I think you're brilliant because it's not full proof and there's always some loop hole. Not everyone thinks or reacts the same...

I knew a girl in college who used sex as a way to find "love" or a "relationship". It never worked out for her though. Sex was just sex to the guys she was with and nothing more no matter how hard she tried to make it so.

How about that it just feels good? That's where I'm at. I have no problem admitting that I'm a very sexual person and as long as I'm safe and smart I don't see the problem. It's my body so therefore it's my choice what I do with it. I can easily identify with all the other reasons listed above, but in the end I'm just a woman who loves sex. What irritates me are the double standards. A man with a healthy sexual appetite is fine and dandy, but a woman with a healthy sexual appetite is a whore/slut/tramp/fill in your favorite slang here.

Well I say screw that! I'm sick of living by other people's rules, hiding in the corner avoiding their judgements. This is me. I love sex and anyone who can't handle that is probably so wound up because they aren't getting enough on their own.

Deeply In Like

The infamous "they" say to trust your gut instinct because it'll never steer you wrong. My entire life my gut has told me to run away whenever I get romantically involved with a guy. It screams things at me like: he'll hurt you, he'll leave you, he can't be trusted, he isn't for real...

Even after years with Antonio I still couldn't 100% trust him or let my guard down. Call it a self fulfilling prophecy, but as much as I tried to ignore my gut's warning it always ended up coming true. There I was left heart broken while my gut smirked "told you so."

This is unfamiliar to me. I was just looking for friends and had decided to put the whole romance thing on the back burner, file it under 'perhaps, someday, maybe, but not likely'. The infamous "they" also say that when you stop trying or looking for something is when that certain something will come looking for you. My gut is singing a new tune: go for it, he's the real deal, you can trust him.

Is this a practical joke? Hardly. My gut doesn't play around, tried to warn me about my near fatal car accident Aug 13, 2008. (I ignored that too) This time I'm going to listen to the advice I'm receiving.

Jason is unlike anyone I have ever met. We make each other laugh. He's been 100% honest from day one about some very intimate things and in turn so have I. Sometimes we can just spend hours laying on the couch snuggled up with his arms around me while we watch TV/a movie. He may be even more affectionate than me and that's saying a lot.He's a romantic. Jason is the optimist to my pessimist. The biggest shock of all is how he is with my rabbit. It took two years for Drew to let Antonio hold him/pick him up, but Jason did it upon his first visit to my house. My rabbit doesn't like anyone but me, now there's an exception to that and that would be Jason. "They" also say animals are a good judge of character. He's a great listener with sage advice that has worked out every time I have taken it so far.

Tuesday night Jason held me while I broke down and cried over Julito's death.

I could come up with an entire list of reasons why we shouldn't be together. That's the easy thing to do, run away and be scared of something that feels so right when just about everything else in my life feels so wrong. Being with Jason feels so natural and right to me. I can't explain it because like I said this is completely unfamiliar to me. The timing sucks, but I don't want to miss out on something that could be amazing. I'm living in the moment and enjoying it for what it is, who knows what will happen.

I'm happy.

All good things must come to an end

There are dog families and there are cat families, mine was a parakeet family. The reasons are two fold: my mom claims to be allergic to both cats and dogs AND my dad grew up in a parakeet family himself.

I could list all the parakeets my family has seen throughout the years, but there are really three that are pertinent to this blog. For my eleventh birthday I told my parents I wanted my own parakeet, not that I didn't love the family parakeet, but I wanted one of my own. I found myself a beautiful yellow parakeet that I named Lucky. It was only a mere few days of chirping back and forth, Lucky from my room and Igor (the family parakeet) from the kitchen, when we finally decided to unite the two star crossed lovers. Lucky was no longer my bird, but belonged to Igor. Lucky lived about 8 years.

On a whim my senior year of college I decided to travel down to the local petstore and get myself another parakeet. My friend Rita named the bird Julio, no clue why, but I liked it so the name stuck. I was not living in dorms, but on/off campus apartments where I had my own room. Sadly Julio only lived a few months; turns out things like scented candles, febreeze, and body spray are all lethal to parakeets and I used these on a daily basis. My now husband and I had just started dating at the time and he promised me for a Christmas gift he would get me another parakeet when I was ready.

About six months later and a thousand miles away I fell in love with another yellow parakeet that I named Julito (Spanish for little Julio). We called her Juli though. Juli and I had an interesting relationship. At first it was just me and her in my apartment, so we bonded. I finger trained her, shared meals with her, and we chilled on the couch watching TV together. Then Juli fell in love with my dad and couldn't give a crap about me. When Antonio moved in with me, Juli bonded with him too. She would bite me, screech at me, and flat out ignore me unless I had food. She would eat anything: ice cream, steak, tacos, pasta...

When we moved back to NY a couple of years ago Juli and I re-formed our previous relationship. Maybe it was the four months we spent apart, but she had a new found appreciation for me. I'd like to think that if I wasn't her favorite person, I at least cracked the top three.

Juli started laying batches of unfertilized eggs. She was doing so many of them we were concerned for her health. There were multiple trips to the vet.Then she started plucking out her own feathers. She didn't seem depressed, still flying around and chirping, but we got her a parakeet friend in case she was lonely. Soon her eggs didn't have shells and they were giant balls of blood. She was covered in blood. The last few days she could barely move except when she was shaking.

This morning I came downstairs into teh kitchen and saw a note on her still covered cage "Please, please don't uncover". Antonio had already left for work. My heart sank as I peaked inside and saw her tail sticking out underneath a folded papertowel. As I lifted the paper towel tears sprang to my eyes. Juli was dead.

All good things must come to an end and Juli Kaponer Abate was a great thing in my life. RIP Jan 3rd 2004-Sep 27 2010. We'll be having a proper burial within the next few days at Antonio's parents backyard. At least now she's no longer suffering. As hard as this is on me and Antonio, I can't imagine what Juno (our other parakeet) will be going through.

Everything happens for a reason or so I'm told.

My Beef With Legolas

A couple of weeks ago while watching "Lord Of The Rings" with a friend, I began pondering a few things. Why after these epic battles when every damn survivor is left bloody, bruised, sweaty, and full of mud does Legolas look ready to shoot an add for Mabelline? Not a hair out of place, perfect porcelain skin, clothes freshly pressed...WTF? What is his secret? I work a desk job Monday through Friday for eight hour shifts and definitely don't look as good leaving as I did when I came in. Although my job stressful, I can assure you there are no brawls with Orcs. Hmmmm

And one more thing, what's with the endless supply of arrows? He carries a knapsack that is always half-full, yet he never runs out. Did they edit the scenes out where they stop off at the Forrest merchant to replenish their supplies? Is this a magical knapsack that replaces each arrow he uses? He never runs out. I would like to apply the same magic to the gas tank of my car if at all possible especially with how gas prices have been going.

Lastly I think we can admit that Legolas is deeply in love with Aragorn. I'm all about beautiful man on man love or the interracial elf-human thing. I'm sure Redtube has entire videos dedicated to just that.

I am if nothing else an observant person.

To Whom It May Concern:

I'll be the first to admit to my spoiled brat tendencies; I have a history of wanting a lot, wanted it delivered to me quickly, and wrapped in a pretty little bow. After careful reconsideration I have decided to make some amendments on my wish list. The following has been narrowed down to the bare necessities:

1. Happiness, true bliss, smiles so big my face hurts after wards. Laughter, upon laughter, upon laughter until hiccups ensue. A warmth and lightness in my heart that is almost entirely unfamiliar to me currently.

2. Mental Health and well being. And let me specify that I don't want the kind that comes out of a bottle either, I want this oh-natural. No more impulsive, self destructive behavior. Although the occasional purchase of cute shoes should still be allotted.

3. Physical Health and well being. No more chronic pain and freakish illnesses modern medicine cannot identify. This will allow me to be physical again in any capacity I choose to: walking, kick boxing, whatever. P.S. This includes my epic battle with acne, poof be gone

4. Financial security and the career that provides it. I really feel these two go together like PB&J. PB was a lonely man before J came along, but now look at them?! My dream career is something I love doing and that I do well with co-workers I get along with and bosses that appreciate me. It also pays me enough to cover all my bills AND have some cushion afterward. I know such a career exists for me, it's just playing hard to get currently. I may have to wine, dine, rufie, and seduce it once I find it.

Any others wonderful things you would like to throw my way I'll just consider a bonus: an epic romantic love, a first class trip around the world, weekly all day spa visits, a chance to hang out with Drew Barrymore, the success of having my published work in the NY Times Best Seller list, the ability to whistle...

So thanks for taking my requests into consideration. I get that you're very busy with ruling the universe and all as you try to prevent mankind from completely mucking things up. Daunting I know, but if you get around to it maybe throw some of my more than reasonable requests my way? Cool, thanks.

Sincerely,

Laura K

It could happen to you too when you least expect it

Beth and Jay sat in her car with the radio playing low in the background. The crisp air of impending autumn was just outside. She avoided direct eye contact with him, something about him made this social butterfly turn completely inward.

"Let's make a pact', Jay took her tiny hand into his own much larger one, "How about you stop assuming that I am like every guy that you've ever known, and when you look at me see me."

She didn't want to cry around him, they had only known each other one week. Beth refused to let her newly built fortress walls crumble this early on. That was how she always managed to get hurt, she trusted to freely, gave her heart away to easily. Not this time, even if he was different.

"Jay I can't make you any promises at this point." Her voice was frail.

His eye contact didn't falter one bit. Those hazel eyes were brimming over with warmth and sincerity, something she couldn't ignore as hard as she tried. It was the classic battle of logic verses intuition. Logically she had no reason to believe he wouldn't betray her like all the others had, but something in her gut told her not be be afraid and let him in. What was it about him?

"Are you even going to give me a chance to prove I'm not an asshole?" Jay squeezed her fingers.

Beth looked deep into his eyes, leaned in and softly kissed him on the lips. He put his hands on her face to pull her closer into him. They just sat there kissing, lost in a moment neither of them wanted to escape.

When she pulled away she confessed, "I like you."

"Does that scare you?"

"No."

Why even bother...

My mortgage company tells me they will not even consider my deed in leui of foreclosure application unless we list our house on the market for at least 90 days. Something the customer service rep failed to mention 30 days ago when I originally requested the application...

I just want to start my life over and begin to heal, but I can't do that as long as I'm living under the same roof as my ex-husband. We have been getting along very well the last month or so, but that doesn't mean this isn't emotionally trying for me. Living in my dream house that I can no longer have with the man I used to be in love with that broke my heart, I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone.

There's also the fact that I busted my ass to pack up 90% of my belongings which are now in my attic. So aside from my furniture, clothes, and toiletries I don't have access to many of my things.

My mortgage company would rather spend the time and money to forclose on me, then work with me in my time of hardship. They know I'll be out of a job by Nov 1st and divorced...

Why doesn't anything positive ever come my way? I feel as if I'm constantly being punished and don't know why. I put in everything I had to make this marriage work and he didn't. Now that I want to pick up the fragmented pieces of my life it's been one road block after another. Why can't someone somewhere cut me a break?

I'll be jobless and stuck in a home with a daily reminder of my heartbreak. Whenever I get my hopes up and think positive (like I did about this whole deed application) I get crushed with disappointment...

Less money, mo problems

My boss is out for a week because of a family emergency, so we get the awesome office substitute Sue. Sue is full of insight both professionally and personally, good people. She suggested I blog about my job search efforts.

Everyday I search the following websites:

www.capitalareahelpwanted.com
www.careerbuilder.com
www.craigslist.com
www.monster.com
www.timesunion.com/jobs


I have literally applied for over a hundred jobs at this point. I have had three interviews: MVP Healthcare, East Greenbush Chiropractic, and CSC. sadly I don't think I'm any closer to finding a job than I was when I started this entire process.

My deadline is Nov 1st when my current boss drops me beacuse "She can't afford to keep me on." Let me explain the BS of that situation. The last Monday in June I tried to do the forthright thing by opening up to my boss about my divorce and explaining I will need to make more money to support myself. Here are the facts: I have worked there over a year, I'm the only full time staff person so therefore I put in the most man hours, I have been the office leader in sales for all on 2010, do 90% of all admin work, and have stepped up to bat without hesitation on countless occasions when my boss had personal issues going on. She flat out refused to even discuss the option of a raise and told me I should start looking elsewhere. I promise her because of stuff she has going on I'll stay no matter what until at least September. Less than a month later the part-timer quits. We're only a three man operation, so my boss scrambles to find someone. Now logically she should have replaced the art time position that was vacant, but 1/2 way through the summer she hires my replacement and then tells me she can't afford to keep both of us on. I am stuck training the new person who also happens to be the reason for my impending unemployment. I like her, but there's a small side of resentment lingering. I get that it's not her fault, but still. So I have a deadline of Nov 1st where if I don't find something by then my boss is letting me go.

As if I didn't have enough stress going on. Any advice and/or suggestions for how to amp up my job search?

What A Girl Wants

I realized that I already have the perfect man in my life. He never talks backs, always listens, loves to cuddle, eats my leftover pizza crust, is always excited to see me...his name is Drew Bunnymore. I look forward to the day in the not so distant future when we move out together and get a place of our own.

After work on Monday I went to the library for the first time in months and got some self help books: two on divorce from a woman's perspective, a humorous take and one on Borderline Personality Disorder. The first one I'm reading is called "Ask Me About My Divorce", a collection of essays meant to change your mind about the idea that divorce equals failure but it's rather a new beginning. So far it's light hearted, just what I need.

In other developments, for the first time since I was three years old I officially don't "like" anyone. I have always had crushes, usually a few at a time, but I can honestly say the only person I'm really interested in right now is me. About damn time I stopped focusing all my attention on some boy and started with some self love. Well okay, I do madly love my rabbit-man...

If I posted a personal ad

You will never meet anyone like me and that's probably a good thing because if two of me existed an apocalypse would most likely ensue. A complete walking contradiction: the smartest dumb girl, spontaneous planner, easy going anal retentive, hardworking couch potato, introverted social butterfly, jaded eternal optimistic, naive skeptic, serious goofball, and reliable flake. Proudly a self proclaimed hug/cuddle whore. Like a puppy I crave affection and can never get enough of it. I don't play games unless they're card games, board games, computer games. I say what I'm thinking, mean what I say, and do what I said I would. You don't need to interpret or peel back the layers to find out who I really am, it's all laid out right before you. Nothing can match that love between humans and their pets, my rabbit has the amazing gift to sooth my savage soul just by letting me hold him. I love all animals except insects and I don't think they count anyways. Unfortunately I'm not as thin as I wish I was, but I'm learning to be okay with that and be comfortable in my own skin. My fave thing ever is making other people smile, those I love and complete strangers too. An innovator with a head full of ideas but no clue how I'll make them happen. No one is perfect, everyone has a past and flaws; I won't judge you so please don't judge me either. My parents are my best friends. Everyone needs a hobby, but please don't have an obsession such as sports where I can't exist in your world when a game is on TV. Let's stay up all night talking about nothing and everything. Texting is great, talking on the phone is even better, and face to face is the best. Complete movie nut both going to and staying in, wish I could rack up frequent flier miles with how often I go. I bowl horribly, mini-golf decently, and dance pretty well. I'm a collector of collections. And I'm real, so you should be too.

Nothing fancy, just jeans and a t-shirt

As long as I can remember I was the girl with a plan. When I was five years old I could have easily laid out the next ten years of my life for you; the plan would go through several changes as time passed but there was in fact always a plan.

I have no plan. I stare into the uncertainty of my future with giant pools of fear in my eyes. I am that vulnerable little child searching desperately for the cubby with her name on it. Where is my place? Can someone hold my tiny hand and show me the way?

We're working on getting rid of our house through a process called "Deed in lieu of foreclosure". Essentially what this means is instead of trying to put our house on the market and sell it by traditional means, we're looking to sign it back over to the bank and walk away. There would be no fines, fees, penalties, or dark marks on our credit. It's an application process and if approved it can move rather quickly, like 30-90 days. The #1 reason people do this is divorce. We sent out our application about two weeks ago and haven't heard back yet. My brilliant brother who does mortgages for living told me about this. Banks hate the lengthy and costly foreclosure process, so this is why they consider this option in the first place.

Will they approve us? My brother is 90% sure they will. So if this happens, then where do I go? My family lives over 1000 miles away and I don't have a friend that can put my up, so I need to find a place of my own asap. This can't be just any place, but a place I can stay at for at least 2-3 years until I'm ready to move onto a more permanent place. Moving is both stressful and expensive, so I need a place I can call home and living on my own will be expensive, can't afford much. My living situation is in limbo and that sucks. I look around my dream home and it no longer feels like home to me, all I see are things I have to pack up and/or divide up with Antonio.

My boss is giving me until November at the latest to find another job or she's letting me go. When I told her I needed a raise and benefits because of my impending divorce she flat out refused me and told me I should start looking elsewhere. In under a month she hired my replacement and said she can't afford to keep both of us on for too long. Does she not understand the crappy job market? An employer can find someone right away, but an employee can be searching for weeks-months-years. I've been looking everyday, applied to over a hundred places, and had a few interviews...nothing yet. And the places I'm looking at will most likely mean a pay-cut, I make barely enough to survive on my own now. My job situation is in limbo too.

And I have sworn off dating. I know there are many great intelligent romantic loyal and loving men out there, but none of them seem to want me. I find the liars, users, and manipulators. Plus I need time to myself to heal from my failed marriage and build a healthy relationship with myself.

I haven't written poetry, my novel, my blog in months. I promise nothing to anyone. I'm just trying to survive here and that's hard enough.

Game Over (Bitch It Out Thursday)

Six and a half years sleeping on a pillow of tears in loves maximum security jail
Hold onto your boyfriends cause this bitch just posted bail
Facebook status updated to single I don't see no ring on this finger
I could be sittin at home hurtin but I'm too busy livin it up and flirtin
So many fine pieces out there for me to choose too bad the husband never bought a clue
Wearing my five inch wedges and drenched in swag
Soaring the skies with such swiftness I'll leave you with jet lag
I've got the grace of Belle and the fierceness of Beast
Read my lips hear my words first time around I won't repeat
He was the weakest link so I bid him goodbye
Tired of his Peter Pan syndrome and Pinocchio lies
Very few will qualify for this dame though many will apply
Football was his wife I was just the mistress
Sexually, emotionally, physically he used to dis this
But look at me I am fine as hell, blind bastard needs a new script cause he couldn't tell
He can drown in his own misery because the best thing he ever had slipped away
Can’t ever get back all the yesterdays he stole from me but he won’t ever get the chance to control me or my heart again
Go back to live with his momma and the new girl can deal with all his drama
Never said I was perfect, I did stray after years of his rejection
But after all the neglect-ion while I was starved for his affection what the hell was he expecting
I fought for us although in his eyes I was never enough
The romance faded we made a mistake when we upgraded our friendship
How can I even be friends with someone who doesn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth
Game over, no second chances you’ve proved beyond a reasonable doubt
Thats I’m stronger, better, and happier without you

It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday (Confessional Tuesday)

Maybe we can't be friends. His number one priority right now is the new girl he's hanging out with. In my opinion his priorities should be the following:

1.Working on our friendship
2.Packing up his stuff to de-clutter our home
3.Helping me find a repairman for some little jobs around the home
4.Touching up the paint in the bathrooms
5.Helping me to find professional cleaners for the house

The guy who claims he never has time to get anything done because he's so overworked, took the night off and went on a date. I'm not upset he's on a date since I've been doing more than my fair share of dating, it's that I busted my ass with my parents all weekend packing which caused severe pain to my injured/healing shoulder, and he decides with his free time to go out on a date.

During our marriage he almost never had time for me nor would he take time off for me. He worked on my birthday! But this new girl gets top billing. Once again I hope our house sells quickly so I don't have to deal with him and his shit anymore. Funny thing is if we BOTH don't do certain things like those listed above then our house will never sell.

I am pissed the fuck off!

The End of the Road (Trial and Error Monday delayed)

Ever since I can remember I was always a girl with a plan. I knew I was going to have 2-3 kids someday, live in a huge house, be a part time career woman and part time stay at home mom, and live happily ever after. Well the point is that I had some direction.

This past weekend my parents visited and I was ecstatic since I typically only get to see them 2-3 times a year. They live in S.C. over 1000 miles away and the last time I saw them was for Christmas.

This visit was bitter sweet because there were a lot of unpleasant firsts:
*Talking about the impending divorce over breakfast
*A "goodbye" brunch with my parents and the in-laws
*Packing up my life into little boxes and shoving them into my attic
*Unofficially apartment hunting via internet to get an idea of what's out there

So much is up in the air and all this uncertainty makes me uncomfortable. At least if one of the things was resolved like our house being sold or me landing another job I would feel more secure. Antonio has a place to go, his parents, and he gets to keep his current job. This transition isn't nearly as difficult for him.

My mom said it best, "You're neither here nor there, you're in limbo."

Well that's depressing.

For Joe (Free Flow Friday Delayed)

Sixteen years young and didn't know shit
That's why I didn't feel the sting from that first hit
Beautiful Italian boy made me his punching toy
Told me I was your entire world coined me your brown-eyed girl
I learned to despise those green eyes of yours seducing me in lies
Should I have been surprised that you were my demise?
Thin line between love and hate, but you were the master of that creation
Hug me punch me kiss me throw me against the wall
Start fresh the next day like nothing happened at all
You gave me your ring in hopes of a new beginning
The deepest wounds were the ones no one could see
The chains you bound me with taking away any possibility
of happiness
I ran away from you because I could no longer live in your house of pain

On the Road again...(Bitch it Out Thursday)

My parents are in town, haven't seen them since Christmas since they live over 1000 miles away. I am very close with them and cherish any time I do get to see them. Having said that, it sucks that I have to see them under these circumstances: the impending divorce

I took the first half of teh day off of work to spend with my parents. The morning started out with the talk about where I'm at as far as dating, dividing our assets, meeting the realtor, ect. Then we started packing up my massive angel/faery/cherub figurine collection. I don't consider myself a materialistic person by any means, but I love my "stuff" that is until I have to pack and move it all. I only trust my mom to pack my figurines because she managed to pack them so well that not a single one broke in transport from S.C. to N.Y.

My bitching session today is about moving. It's a necessary evil. I first really aquired "stuff" when I moved into my first apartment after college. Then I made a move from that apartment to my first home. Then I relocated from that house in S.C. to my in-laws in N.Y. Then from my in-laws home to my new home in N.Y. My next move will be to an apartment/house that I rent and eventually to a home that I own. Packing, un-packing, settling in and decorating, then start the cycle all over. My method of madness is to start to pack bits and pieces of my life a little at a time. Then I'll place them in the attic.

I just want a place I can call home. This house no longer feels like my home and you know what they say "there's no place like home".

Sweet Home Alabama (Wednesday Nobody Interviews)

This week's interview is with Alabama born and raised Southern gentleman Julian Wills.

1. How do we know eachother?
We met online through Writer's Digest and now we talk on the phone.

2. What do you personally find is the biggest misconception Northerners have about the South?

That the civil war was about slavery. It was about State's rights, not slavery.

3. While I was living in the South I noticed there was a lot of Southern Pride and one of the ways of expressing this pride was displaying the confederate flag. There are some who might consider this racist. What does the confederate flag mean to you?

We do not considerate the flag racist because once again the war was about state's rights and not slavery. And it now represents a sense of Southern culture and Southern heritage.

4. What is your favorite thing about living in the South?

The laid back attitude and the friendliness of the people. The big DAWGS and not the little yappy dogs from up North, everyone up North has one of those little yappy dogs that are annoying as hell. We have DAWG's down here, they've got dog's up there.

5. It has been argued that the public school system in the South pales in comparison to what we have up North. What are your thoughts?

I wouldn't say it pales in comparison, but I would say it's not as good. 'Pales in comparison' is a pretty strong statement, it's more like it's not as adequate. It has to do with funding, there is none. The teacher's get paid so little that they need to find other jobs. The city council people are corrupt, we have scandals down here like every week.

6. Hollywood really plays into some of the Southern stereotypes. What movies do you think do it most accurately and why? Which are most inaccurate?

A very accurate one is "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" because it's a true story and all the characters in it were real. It portrayed a Southern flavor accurately. As far as inaccurate I would say "Deliverance" because they're all inbred Southern rednecks.

7. You previously mentioned how laid back and friendly people are in the South. You live in the bible belt. How are "outsiders" treated as in non-Christians?

This is a particularly good question. I think to some degree they are looked down upon, but I also think there's a Christian love that permeates society in the South.

8. Let's explore further some of your views on the North. What is your take on the attitudes and behaviours of the people above the Mason-Dixon line? And if you've never been up North, where did you form your opinions from?

That's they're curt and rude, fast moving, and abrasive. I would say I got my opinions from the news.

9. On Writer's Digest you helped to start a forum called "Southern Sunshine" where there are in depth discussions on some of the topics we broached today. What was your inspiration behind this?

I wanted people to understand the South in a better way.

10. Thanks so much Julian for agreeing to let me badger you in my interview. My traditional last question, if you could be any breakfast cereal, what would you be and why?

Fruit Loops. No explanation, if people want to speculate they can speculate all they want.

Resentment Rears it's Ugly Head (Confessional Tuesday)

Antonio and I were doing great ever since the decision for the divorce. We were both happier and had mature conversations about the steps we needed to take: dividing our stuff, selling the house, me getting my own health insurance.

Antonio initiated in the beginning that if we're going to be friends we need to be open and honest with one another about our dating. This isn't to say we would divulge every minute detail, but at least be comfortable with each other knowing that the other person is back out on the market. Rita said this was dangerous water we were treading, but I decided to trust Antonio.

So he asked me about my dates or the people I was potentially interested in. I in turn asked him and he kept telling me there wasn't anyone. Then I find out he's been spending a decent amount of time "hanging out" with an ex-girlfriend.

I'm not jealous, just upset that he lied to me. He said he didn't tell me because she didn't want him too. I explained that we made a promise to be 100% upfront with one another and she needs to understand that. HUGE FIGHT! The tension in the house the last few days has been so thick because he thinks I'm overreacting and I think he lied to me again...this was another issue in our marriage, his lying to me.

The other night I hear him on the phone trying to calm her down and explaining that I still want us to be friends, interesting wording, I want the friendship, not him or us, but me.

Our house will most likely go on the market August 15th. To anyone out there who prays to any kind of entity, please pray that we get an offer at the open house (most likely August 21) and we close by Oct 1st. I no longer want to be under the same roof as Antonio. I need my physical freedom and we both desperately need space from one another. Obviously his top priority is this new girl and not trying to save a 10 year friendship.

I deserve so much better than this.

Thai-ing Something New (Trial & Error Monday)

The new hair (the color is permanent, but my curls will come back as I only had him blow it out straight)


Saturday night I joined my good friends Rita and Dave for some Thai food. For those of you who don't know me well, I am a notoriously picky eater. Summer of '92 when my family drove cross-country I basically survived on shredded cheddar cheese and ice cream, lost 20 pounds too! I have since tried to repeat this diet but sadly could not boast the same success. The Thai food was excellent and if you ask me what I ordered I can't remember, I liked it.

The best part of the evening was when I got up after the meal, tripped over my cushion seat, and landed knee first on the hardwood floor. There was much limping and icing after wards.

I also decided with all the changes going on in my life that I wanted a new look too. So my brilliant hair dresser gave me an all over deep red color, my once honey highlights are now a vibrant red as well too. Rita of course begs me to buy myself a straightener since I look so good and feel so confident when my hair is straight. I'm contemplating it. I would never permanently straighten my hair as I love my curls dearly.

Last week I got back to my own blogging, this week I hope to get back to following other people's blogs too. Then the following week I want to pick up working on my MS & it's sequel again.

The Phoenix Passions (Free Flow Friday)

This is more of a rap than a poem, inspired by Eminem's newest CD "Recovery"

They say hope is eternal and I'm eternally sprung
Wisdom wasted on the old foolishness runs deep in the young
Let me dirty dance with the devil cause my souls for sale
Highest bidder takes the prize for this reformed sinner
Don't you look at me with judgement in your eyes when you're dressed in designer lies
Traveling first class one way in the journey of lust
Savoring every lingering lick, touch, and thrust
This is me who I am the girl inside
Don't mistake me for the doormat I once was, this bitch's got pride
On the prowl for lifes taste after 29 yaers spent a waste of space
There's no mercy for the weak, if you want your voice heard you better fuckin speak
There are those who play the game and those who sit on the side
Feel the fame when they chant your name no longer denied
Push me and I'll push you back even worse
Center stage no more time to rehearse
My heart never caught up with my head buried in dust
Give me what I want right now and more of it too much is never enough
Phoenix rising from the heat of her ashes soaring into the bed of her latest passions

Are you out there? (Bitch It Out Thursday)

I have always equated jobs to relationships. When I was younger and had my part time/after school gigs, that was like casual dating. I knew it was short term and really just for fun. I didn't get much out of it except a small paycheck and product discounts, but it served its purpose at the time.

After college I wanted to find something more substantial, something I could grow with and be with long term. In seven years I have had six jobs: a bank, an elementary school, a data publishing company, an insurance call center, another insurance call center, and a personal lines insurance agency. Basically I stay at each one for about a year busting my ass in efforts to move up within the ranks, but for some odd reason it never seems to work out. I just haven't found that fit.

I don't want another job, I want a career. I want to find my niche; where I can excel at what I do, love what I do, and make good money at what I do. I would call that the holy trifecta and I'm starting to have my doubts if I'll ever find it.

Like dating, all my jobs seemed GREAT in the beginning. Full of promises that were later unfulfilled. Managers that didn't believe in me or worse yet berated me. And then I lose my steam and motivation.

I think I would be an amazing office manager or personal assistant. I'm organized, detail oriented, customer friendly, can work great independently and in a team setting, and have done general admin work for every job I have had since I was fourteen.

The other aspect is that I don't get paid my worth. Jobs always low ball me and I jsut accept it because I have this stupid belief that I don't deserve any better. Every since July 1st when I got self esteem I decided I will NOT settle in any aspect of my life and that especially includes employment. So I'll looking around for that dream job that gives me what I want and I need.

On The Hunt (Wednesday Nobody Interviews)

This week's "Nobody Interview" is with my favorite bad boy Reed Hunter. This interview is unconventional as he is a fictional charactor from my unpublished MS's "Prep School Sins" and it's sequel title TBA. He's entering his junior year of high school at Stanobia Academy located just outside of Salem, Mass.

1. How do we know eachother?

(eyes me up and down) We met last November when you're brilliant mind created me, but in my opinion we don't know eachother nearly well enough.

2. In Prep School Sins we get to see the interesting group dynamics between you and your closest childhood friends. Why don't you tell us a little bit about each of them.

(rolls eyes) I thought this interview was about me? Whatever. Tyler is my roommate and the guy has a giant redwood stuck up his ass. All about schedules and planning, he even irons his damn clothes the night before. Dude needs to take it easy every once in a while. Who else? Oh yeah, my boy Perry. Perry is so pussy whipped by Dani, he won't even look at another girl. What a waste because Dani aint all that. But he's a pretty good artist, can do just about anything creative with his hands. It's cool that he's got his thing, you know? My thing is pot and porn, well I guess that's two things. Anyways, Perry rooms with Caleb or as I like to call him 'Scarlet V'. Caleb is the only one of us that hasn't tapped some sweet ass yet. He's a bit quiet too, kind of a pansy. Sometimes I think he might be gay actually not that there's anything wrong with that, my older bro is gay.

3. You briefly mentioned Dani. She's the only girl in the group. What's your relationship like with her?

First of all you can hardly call Dani a girl, I think she has more testosterone running through her than the rest of us. (chuckles) As far as relationships, I don't do those. Why waste money on wooing a girl when there are plenty of ways to get it for free? If I ever did have a relationship it wouldn't happen until I was real old like twenty-five or something and it would never be with Dani. Dani does her thing and I do mine.

4. So you've never had a girlfriend?

Are you offering up your services sweetheart? (I shake my head) No, I'm all about cutting to the chase. There is a girl I'm dealing with, you know a friends with benefits thing, but just benefits. I don't do affection, romance, or any of that bullshit. Get it, get out, get over it. That's my method of attack.

5. Well you're young, maybe someday when you meet the right girl your opinions will change. Do you have a specific type?

Baby, I meet the 'right girl' all the time. (winks) Right now, right here, oh yeah. And as far as my type, I don't discriminate: younger, older, short, tall, Hispanic, Asian, Black, White. It don't matter cause pussy is pussy. My type is female.

6. Okay, besides getting laid what other interests do you have?

Here at Stanobia Academy I try to keep a low profile. Tyler's Mr. Big Man on campus. I smoke dope in the woods pretty much every afternoon and do the bare minimum to pass my classes. I think there are better ways to spend my time other than stressing over boring academic shit. I am on the varsity swim team, but that's because it's an activity where I can show off what I'm working with in a tiny speedo. Great way to pick up chicks. So I guess it is always about sex with me but what do you expect?!

7. Typically high school juniors are starting to think about their plans for after high school. Where do you see yourself post-graduation?

Well my buddies will probably head off to college, but that's not really my deal. I'm doing school now because it's mandatory, as in my parents will kick my ass to the curb if I don't graduate high school and it's not cheap to support some of my habits. I definitely don't want anymore school. I don't know, I'm not a planner. I like living impulsively day to day. I'm all about having my fun right now, do first think later. Damn why did you have to get all serious? You're killing my buzz girl.

8. Okay, okay. You mentioned earlier that you have a friend with benefits. How exactly does that work?

We have sex.

Care to elaborate?

It's really freaky hot sex. Different places, sometimes we bring another girl into it. This girl is a sexual acrobat too.

Who is she?

Can't get into that.

9. Okay, I am going to attempt to steer this conversation away from sex. What is your favorite childhood memory?

That's easy, Halloween when I was six. All of us dressed up as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I was Michaelangelo. I think sometimes I miss how simple things were back then. We were just kids trying to grab as much candy as possible without a care in the world. It's not that I stress about anything now, but all my friends do. It can be a real downer sometimes like they can't just let loose and have some crazy fun.

10. I want to thank you for taking the time out to do this interview with me. My traditional last question, if you could be any breakfast cereal what would you be and why?

What the fuck kind of question is that? You're a bit weird, you know that right? Well I guess I would be Lucky Charms because I am magically delicious.

Internet Romance (Confessional Tuesday)

It happened unexpectedly but I met someone, kind of. I was chatting with a guy I came across through www.writersmarket.com on a strictly friendship level for about the last couple of months. It started with him reading one of my blogs on that site about my battles with mental illness. He reached out to me because he could relate to what I was saying. It felt good. I have an amazing support system of friends and family, but none of them know what I battle each day and I would never wish it on them of course. When you meet someone who "gets you" on that level there's a bond others just wouldn't understand.

I also opened up to him about what was going on with Antonio and he listened. No real advice because he's never been there, but he had a very empathetic ear. Over the course of our conversations something happened and I ended up legitimately liking this guy. Then I found out from him that the feelings were mutual. The best part is that this guy knows the "worst" of me and is completely okay with it. Another lesson I learned from my failed marriage is that you can't just be with parts of who I am, you need to love and accept all of me. This is what I'm doing for myself.

I can't guarantee that this ISN'T a rebound and that's why I'm taking things slow. He also lives about 1500 miles away, so we can't have a real relationship at this point. We're talking on the phone every day and he's making plans to fly up here to meet me in September. In the meantime I told him I have to take care of myself, so I'm dating around and just having fun.

Is this crazy? Absolutely. But he makes me smile which a guy hasn't done for me in a long time. If things actually do work out with him that would be amazing, but if they don't I'll be okay with that too. the most important relationship to me right now is the one I have with myself. I am still focused on me and the things that I need to do to make me happy.

Turning Around (Trial and Error Monday)

My new phoenix tattoo symbolizing my re-birth

I read a great line in an MS that I am beta reading for "If you feel like you're traveling down the wrong road, then just turn around". Thanks PK!

The reason I have been MIA for the last couple of weeks is because so many parts of my life turned upside down.

1)I told my boss about my divorce and that it meant I needed more money and health insurance. Now I have been practically running this office for the last year, I bring in the most sales and have the heaviest work load. Because I am such a dependable worker my boss is allowed alot of personal freedom to cut out early, come in late, and take lots of time off. I thought I was worth what I was asking for, but she flat out refused me. This isn't the first time an employer didn't see my true worth, so now I have to look for another job which is never fun OR easy.

2) Antonio and I will also be putting our house, my dream house, on the market shortly. The home we owned in South Carolina was on the market for nearly 1 & 1/2 years, so I am not looking forward to this process either. Part of me wants to relish the time I still have in my beautiful home while the other part of me wants it to sell fast so I can move into my own place and truly start my own life. Kind of like a bandaid, I just want to rip it off and be done with it. Living with him in this house is both awkward and at times painful because this was the home we bought with the idea we would raise a family in it. Neither of us are moving out because it's huge and I can't see why we can't live like roomies since that was practically how we lived our marriage, seperate bedrooms and all. Plus I can't float rent and a mortgage at the same time, and I don't have anyone who can put me up so I have no where to go but into another place of my own. And Antonio is working three jobs to help pay for our home, so what right do I have to tell him to leave?

3)Then there's the fact that I've been *gasp* dating again. Nothing really serious, just having fun right now.

My trial and error over the past couple of weeks has been "Living my life for me". This means doing what makes me happy, putting myself first, and not making any more excuses about enjoying life to the fullest. And you know what? I'm actually happy. July 1st I decided to stop hating myself cold turkey because there is so much of me to love. If I look at the list of things I don't like about myself it really pales in comparison to the things I love about me. And the person I want to be vs the person I currently am really aren't all that different.

People can judge me or my situation all they want, but I don't care. I'm sick of trying to please others, I did that for more than 20 years and all it did was make me miserable. If what happened with Antonio has taught me anything, it's that I have to be there for me because at the end of the day I am the one who has to live with myself.

I plan to return to my regularly blogging schedule and pray that all my followers didn't leave. :-)

Rising From My Own Ashes (Confessional Tuesday)

June 21st 2010 I told him our marriage was over. I can recognize that a marriage isn't all fields of daisies, but a girl would like a daisy once in a while.

There are two people:

Antonio the friend is amazing. That is the guy I met more than ten years ago at the Denny's on Central Ave. We can talk to each other about anything, make each other laugh, challenge one another at TV trivia, and offer a sympathetic ear after a rough day. He is and always will be my best friend. We created not one, but two beautiful homes together and countless memories.

Antonio the husband was less than amazing. I'm not about to bash him, but let's just say he wasn't THERE for me the way a husband should be. And the biggest issue is that he gave up on us probably about six months into the marriage. He just stopped trying and it takes two to make any relationship work. After a while of fighting all on my own my fire burnt out too.

I am heartbroken and worried that I may never find true love especially since I clearly have no clue as to what it is. I am scared about the next steps i have to take: sell my house, get a higher paying job with health insurance, find a place to live, and learn how to be my own person. I have never had a healthy relationship with myself. I want to stop blaming myself and start loving myself. I want to learn how to be independent while fiercely going after my own dreams. And maybe someday when I am the best possible version of myself I can find someone who will love and appreciate me.

Antonio and I will remain friends. I keep telling people we will be like Bruce and Demi. Part of this break is to salvage our friendship. Mostly this is to save myself. I know I deserve so much more than he could or would give me.

I've cried. I've yelled. I've been numb. Most of all I have been okay. Honestly anyone who knows me knows what a resilient person I am. Life has thrown a lot of ugly shit my way and I'm still standing, so I know I can make it through this too. It's going to take time, money, prayer, patience, and the support of my family and friends but in the end I think I can actually end up better off than I was.

Untitled (Free Flow Friday)

Forever and always had an expiration date
Stuck on the downside of fate
What is love but an illusion leaving me in a state of blinded confusion
Your gentle caress, kind words, and promises were all pretty packaged lies
No longer looking through those rose colored eyes
Hurt me so good in a way I never believed you would
You stole my happily ever after, my smiles, and my laughter
Heart breaking from the years you've taken away from me
Wishing I could travel back to the day we met to stop that first domino from falling down leading to the trail of my biggest regret

What Goes Around Comes Around Unless You're Me (Bitch It Out Thursday)

Promises although not legally binding promises should be taken seriously in my opinion. I keep my promises, but several people around me do not. You know who you are, so I don't need to mention names.

I call people who do not call me back
I make plans with people who stand me up
I am considerate of others who are not considerate of me
I follow and comment on people's blogs who do not do the same for me
I hold up my end of a partnership even when others do not hold up theirs
And the biggest deal of all is that I LOVE people who do not love me back

I deserve better. Why continue to give me people my all when they give me their half-assed sorry pathetic self back? I have serious trust issues, anger issues, and self esteem issues because they people in my life keep dicking me around. If you can't appreciate me for who and what I am then piss off and stop wasting both of our times.

Those who are looking for a loyal, honest, sincere, and real person well here I am.

International Woman of Mystery (Wednesday Nobody Interviews)

This edition is with world traveler and fellow aspiring author Claire Gittens begin_of_the_skype_highlighting     end_of_the_skype_highlighting begin_of_the_skype_highlighting     end_of_the_skype_highlighting. To say I am envious of the places she's been would be a gross understatement.

1. How do we know each other?

We met in a weekly critique group on Writers' Digest Community.

2. Where do you originally come from, where are you now, and where have you been in-between?

I'm from Barbados. Now I live in Japan. I've lived in the US. I've also visited Colombia, Martinique, St. Maarten, Trinidad, Jamaica, Venezuela, India, Australia, Canada, Spain, Portugal, Bermuda, and Hong Kong. I think that's all. OH, Gibraltar.

3. How do you help assimilate into all the different cultures?

I really like languages. So it's very important for me to be able to speak the language when I travel. Also, I like to see the type of tourism that's a little bit off the beaten path. Meet the locals and stuff. Being from a very "tourist-y" country, I know from experience, that what tourists see can be very different from every day life.

4. How did you become such a world traveler especially at such a young age?

From the time I was a kid, I got involved in things that would include travelling. I went to Martinique 3 times on French exchange programs. I went to Bahamas with Girl Guides (you call them Girl Scouts). I went to Jamaica on a university sponsored trip. Ditto for the 6 weeks I spent in Colombia. Bermuda, Portugal, Spain and Gibraltar were all during my time training with the US Coast Guard. (I also got the chance to see 11 US states with the CG.)

5. Is there a method to your madness when it comes to picking your destination or how long you stay there for?

For the ones with groups I was involved in. For the others, sometimes there are places I just really want to go. Like Hawaii, Italy and Greece- none of which I've been to, but all of which I hope to visit some day. Some happen because something comes up. I was feeling all "give-back-y" and then the opportunity to go to India and build houses for Dalits came up. A few times, it's to visit family and friends. Half my family lives in Canada, as does one of my best friends. I also have family in Australia. And sometimes, it's just that I haven't travelled in a while and get a "Hmmm, I feel like going somewhere," feeling. Then I see where I can afford and I'm off.

6. You know what they say "There's no place like home", at least that's what Dorothy said. What do you miss the most about home and how often do you get to go back?

I haven't been back in a year and a half. I miss the culture. We're a small island (166 square miles) and we have our own ways of speaking, our own calendar of special events, even a different education system from the US and Britain (although it's closer to Britain's.) Sometimes, I see something funny and know that only another Barbadian (or at least another Carribean local) would get it. I also miss hearing calypso on the radio :)

7. How does all this travel affect your career aspirations? What are some of the jobs you've held down because of your travels?

I think that my travels helped me get the job I currently do (an English teacher) because one important role we have is to internationalise the students. I've also been a tour guide and a translator on a passenger submarine, both of which had to do with my ability to work with people of different cultures. I've taught both French and Spanish. SomedayI I'd like to work as a UN translator. In between writing novels of course.

8. Where was your favorite destination and why? Your least favorite?

Colombia. I just love the Spanish culture. I love languages so being a foreign language country, it felt like an extra part of me had come alive. Spanish speakers are so much friendlier than French too. India, was my least favourite. It felt like a constant assault on all 5 of my senses. As for India, the food was too spicy, the atmosphere too noisy. And crossing the road safely was an act of God. those videos that go around the net about the madness on Indian roads? They're true!

9. Where do you think you'll be five years from now professionally, personally, and destination wise?

I hope to either be volunteering for the UN in a French or Spanish speaking country - or working for the UN- or doing an MFA Creative Writing w/ Translation, either at Queens in NYC or at Vermont College.

10. And now the cherry on the sundae of all my interviews. If you could be any breakfast cereal, what you be and why?

TRIX! Because Trix are for Kids! And I'm a kid at heart

Turn Out The Lights (Trial & Error Monday)

I had two major new experiences this weekend: reuniting with a friend after fifteen years AND glow-in-the dark mini golf.

Mike is someone I knew in Middle School and High School, but after his freshman/my sophomore year he moved away. It was a Facebook status message that prompted our reunion; after my Rockland trip last weekend I simply put "Back in the 518" upon my return. Mike responded that he was in the same area code, but this is a huge area, the capital district of NY to be exact so we could have been more than an hour apart. Turns out Mike lives less than 10 minutes from me!

There was an attempt to hang out last Thursday that didn't work out and honestly Saturday almost didn't work out either. But when we got together I met his lovely mom, his dog that I swear is part Mastodon, and "adult" Mike.

He whooped my ass so bad in mini golf beating me by more than twenty strokes. I joked that had this been a date he would have totally screwed up. I looooove mini golf and always get a hole-in-one once each time I play. But this was probably my worst game ever: I was playing in a short skirt and low cut tank top with wedged heels on, it was in the dark, and honestly Mike was just a far superior player. Mike knew what angles to shoot at much like in a game of pool although he "claims" he doesn't play pool that well.

Afterward I introduced him to the Triple Lindy at Moes, then we drove back to my house where we talked for hours. I didn't end up driving him home until after midnight and we decided we were going to hang out again soon. He might even go with me to my next Rockland trip in July.