Reflection mixed with Confession

Today I turned thirty one years young. I remember last year being an emotional wreck for my birthday despite being surrounded by good people who loved me. This year I am a different person because after a long hard uphill battle I have learned to love myself.

Out of all the people in my life who have hurt me no one has caused greater damage than the damage I have caused myself. The doubt, the verbal abuse, and worst of all the complete lack of respect I had for myself put me in one ugly situation after another with some very questionable characters. If you asked me why I allowed these things to happen I wouldn't be able to pin point it to one day or one person that ingrained in me the low sense of self. In all honesty it was probably many things that led me to believe I was unworthy of a good life.

Many of you know I struggled for nearly two decades with self mutilation. It's unfortunate that the stigma attached to this form of addiction labels someone who suffers from it as some attention seeking adrenaline junky that can stop at any time they want. Most wouldn't say the same for people who suffer from substance abuse or an eating disorder. Addiction is addiction and it comes in many forms. What I would like to point out to people is that unlike something like alcoholism where you can put yourself in situations to avoid alcohol I could never put myself in a place to avoid myself.

If you could understand how many times I tried to reach out for help and was ostracized or made fun of then you would see why this was something that was so hard to walk away from. I internalized EVERYTHING. If someone was mad at me, didn't like me, I didn't get a good grade, was passed over for an opportunity in my mind it meant I was a useless piece of shit. When people were unkind to me I actually believed I had done something to deserve it. And the only way to compensate for that searing emotional pain was to create a physical pain. Physical pain made sense to me because you could see it, clean it, bandage it. How do you fix a broken heart?

My closest friends and family will not agree with me on this one, but I have to thank Jason Andrews for helping me hit rock bottom so I could get the help I needed. It all started with an amazing therapist who taught me to change my perspective; I am not a mutilator, I am someone who used to mutilate. The difference is that I don't wrap up my entire identity in one aspect of something I do. Jason had lost his everything because of his addiction and I knew if I didn't change then someday I might too.

Everyday we have a choice: stay stuck in the past or move forward to the future. I can never go back and change what I did, but I can learn from them to make difference choices for the future. The scars will fade over time, but they will still be there. Unfortunately avoiding my triggers is nearly impossible since life is a trigger. And since I don't plan on living in a bubble I need to be better prepared to jump the hurdles as I come up to them. I know they are coming, I just don't always know when.

I am not powerless against my addiction. It will probably always be my natural instinct to go to that place when life punches me in the gut, but I am strong person and know I can push through anything as long as I believe I can. How can I be so confident after two decades of giving in to something so destructive? That's easy, I finally learned to love myself. And I would never intentionally cause pain to someone I love. Those who know me best know just how true that is.

My New Year's resolution this year was to treat myself with the same love, compassion, and respect I show others. It's sad that it took me such a long time to make that kind of promise to myself. This may sound silly but sometimes I wish I could go back in time to give myself a hug. All along all I ever needed and wanted from life was to be loved and accepted. Oddly enough I was so busy trying to find it in others that I didn't realize who I needed it most from was myself.

Thirty one is going to be my best year yet because I am the best possible version of myself I have ever been.