Not That Girl

***Our girl JJ is back although still slightly damaged, then again wasn't she always?***

Okay if you repeat any of the following I will hunt you down and cause some serious pain. I mean it, we all know I have a certain reputation to uphold and if this got out it would completely destroy it. Yeah yeah yeah, here it goes. I think I am in love with Brendon.

Maybe the feelings had been there all along and I was too involved in my ignorant bliss to notice them. Then as time and distance grew between us my feelings kind of faded. There's also the very distinct possibility that I never felt that way about him before since I was some stone cold bitch with a heart made of ice and then the car accident made me put things in perspective. Who the hell knows? Either way there are definite feelings there now and I have no fuckin clue what to do with them.

He stayed with me during my first month of recovery. Contrary to a very popular sexual fantasy, a man playing nurse isn't quite so hot in reality. Brendon made sure I got my medication, cleaned my wounds and applied fresh dressings, drove me to doctors appointments, and sometimes helped bath/feed/dress me. As I previously stated the whole thing was a huge embarrassment to me because I felt like a major invalid. However I did appreciate the fact that he took care of Envy's litter box which was frankly something I would avoid until the smell grew unbearable.

But don't go awarding him some medal of honor just yet, believe me he had his fun too. The Disney movie marathon he forced me to watch and with one broken leg I was in no position to run away. And you know how much I loved him blaring boy band music during my at home Physical Therapy sessions. Did I mention he dressed me in the sparkliest and frilliest stuff he could get his hands on? That shit sure as hell wasn't in my closet so who the hell knows where it came from. And how could I forget what he did while I was sleeping? Let's just say I woke up with hot pink toe nails. There are some lines you just don't cross.

Speaking of crossing lines Brendon had been my closest friend for well over a decade now. I have never been someone that can't speak her mind; as a matter of fact I tend to do it very often, loudly, and bluntly. This is the reason why so many people resent me, I am that person that says out loud what everyone is quietly thinking yet are too chicken shit to actually say. I figured avoiding this particular conversation altogether was my best bet since it had been working so well for me all along, but unfortunately Brendon opened his damn mouth.

We were sitting on my couch enjoying the last few days we had together before he returned to his normal life and I braved the rest of this journey on my own. I think one of those lame Twilight movies was on and I was in the middle of making some snide remark about how the glitter effect adds to a vampire's intimidation factor when he just came out with it.

"JJ do you ever think about us?"

"Well it's been hard not to lately since you're up in face 24/7."

He shook his head, "You know that's not what I meant. What if we had taken things further back then?"

"Not sure how much further we could have taken it, we did swipe each others v-cards after all." I let out a laugh.

This is when things got real serious. Brendon turned off the movie, took my hands, and looked into my eyes. "Nobody gets me like you. You irritate me and make me happy all at the same time. And do you know why all my relationships eventually fail?"

"Because the sex gets old and stale?"

"No, because every girl I am with I compare to you and none of them have ever measured up. Why am I trying to find a replacement when the real thing is right here in front of me?"

Most girls would melt at the knees over this confession, but the truth is that all his words did was scare me. I don't doubt the reality that there is something between us, it's just I'm not sure I can go down that road. Brendon has been the one steady, consistent, good thing in my life since I was fourteen years old. Romance would destroy all that. Maybe it doesn't make sense to you, but at the end of the day I'm just not willing to risk it all.

I pulled my hands away, "I'm not what you're looking for and deep down you know it. You're into hand holding, cuddling after sex, celebrating monthly anniversaries. I'm not that girl. I'll never appreciate your romantic gestures and I definitely won't do any in return. If we gave this a shot you would just end up disappointed. Let's just keep things as they are."

In all the time I have known Brendon I have never once lied to him about anything small, big, in between until now. I saw the hurt wash over his face and immediately wanted to take it all back, tell him I did want to be with him but I didn't. The next few days went by quickly and then he was gone. My first night alone after he left I did something I promised I would never do, I cried over a guy. Here's the thing, Brendon isn't just some guy he is the guy.