Something that's been on my mind as of late, the whole death of my inner romantic.
Maybe it started early on because of my parents, watching two people so in love with one another and so happy. Then I suppose countless romantic comedies further planted the seed in my head that I too could obtain this happily ever after. There were hours upon hours of day dreaming and fantasizing about who he would be and what our life would be like together. No detail was spared, I am a very detail oriented person.
Unfortunately reality happened and in this reality I gave my heart to those who didn't take very good care of it. The biggest heartbreak of all was when my marriage fell apart. Then I fell into a pattern of bad dating thereafter. I took a break to regroup and work on myself. When I braved the dating world once again I ran into the same issues I had before.
Somehow the eternally optimistic romantic kept fighting through all the hurt. Then I think a part of me just died. How could I have lost hope in something I have held onto so strongly nearly my entire life especially when I am the happiest I have ever been? So many other aspects of my life are so fulfilling. I guess I'm no different from anyone else and we all have our breaking point.
The dream of becoming a mother is faded. The dream of falling in love faded. The dream of meeting that one person who makes all the hurt worthwhile is gone. Even when I try to convince myself I still believe it feels so strained and phony.
I have a great life, romance may just not end up being a part of it and I need to be okay with that. Not everyone gets to find true love, so how egotistical would I be to assume it's 100% going to happen for me when it hasn't happened for others?
Obviously I don't NEED this in my life, but I sure as hell wanted it. I'll continue to focus my heart on other things and find my happily ever after in a different form.
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