Inside Evan's Head: The Element Series
Kind. Patient. Sweet. Friendly. These are not words anyone would ever use to describe Layla. Evan felt some of her actions made her barely even human. A more accurate description if you asked him she was some obsessed dictator who didn't hesitate to blast one of her students for failing a so-called lesson, but never not even once gave praise when someone excelled at a task. There is no such thing as exceeding Layla's expectations for they were set to only be achieved by something immortal.
And the lessons only got harder as time passed on. In the beginning it was about connecting with your own element. Evan had to learn to manipulate the fire he created, Adam explored local waterways, and Calla was supposed to talk to nature. Yes, have actual conversations with trees and flowers. The people of her own circle didn't question it as much as the kids at school did. She was labeled Weird Hippie Girl and this resulted in many fights between Evan and their classmates. One time Evan's temper got the better of him and he burned the other kid. Thankfully it was a light burn on the kids arm that even quickly covered up with with a quick scratching.
Layla stood there with her arms crossed over her chest, "You lack disclipline. You let the fire control you instead of controlling it."
Evan rolled his eyes, "Get some new material. It's been three years and still the same speech."
"Maybe I wouldn't have to keep repeating myself if you actually listened the first time I said something."
Evan's fists balled up, "Who do you think you are? My mom."
Layla snapped, "No, you're mom is dead because she lacked discipline too."
Evan threw a fire ball at her which she quickly deflected with a small gust of wind. This was not the first time he had attempted to attack her in anger and it wouldn't be the last. He was the one used to pushing other people's buttons, not the other way around. This was a one-on-one training session. Because Layla wasn't in school she had plenty of free time to make training schedules: some were group, some one-on-one with her, others they were paired off, and some they were done completely on their own with specific instructions from her.
She waved him over to sit by the creek. "Adam only overpowers you because you let him. What comes from fire is heat and heat can boil water. No one element is stronger or better than the next, yet they have the ability to expose the weakness or enhance the strength of each other."
Evan couldn't believe what he was hearing,"If you think I would boil my brother you're just plain sick."
She looked at him sternly. "Sometimes we don't have a choice who we go up against." Before Evan could respond Layla stood up, brushed herself off, and walked away.
He placed his hands to the water letting the heat radiate from them. Deep breathes in, deep breathes out. Slowly the water began to bubble, but he pulled away in fear he would hurt anything living in the creek. He shut his eyes focusing on the slow body burn he had been practicing for the last several months. Feel the heat, be the heat. Don't let the heat consume you. This was a common fire meditation technique he often went to in moments of frustration. Almost any interaction with Layla resulted in Evan getting frustrated.
One of the first lessons Layla had taught them was about darkness verses light. All people, common and of the elements have the ability to fall into darkness or light. Free will allows each person to determine which path they will choose although there are certain factors that may pull someone towards one over the other. Those born of fire are especially prone to becoming power hungry and following that lust into a very dark place.
Evan knew very little of his mother, but the bits he did know was that she had given into her inner darkness. Although he may look just like her, that's where the resemblance needed to end. He wondered if Layla acted the way she did because she lost someone to the darkness too. Three years working every day together and he barely knew anything about her. His curiousity constantly plagued him about who she was and where she came from. Everyone has a back story, what was hers?
****
Their bedroom was silent except for the scratching of pencil to paper as Adam wrote in his journal. This was also part of the schooling from Layla, healthy ways to express the natual instincts. Children born of water can often become consumed by their emotions. Adam found journaling helped keep his emotions at bay. For Evan it was art, any kind: painting, sculpting, drawing, photography.
Unlike other situations where Evan has no problem taking front center stage, it is with his art that he is more private. His artwork reflects his dreams, the actual dreams that come to him each night. They are so vivid he sometimes wakes up unsure of what is real. And in these dreams he sees things that lurk in the deepest fears of his heart. Things he's not sure he can or should tell anyone, even grandma or Adam. He knows he isn't supposed to have the gift of intuition like them yet these dreams often make him question that.
More than being afraid of falling into these dreams each night Evan was more afraid of losing these dreams altogether. They told a story of a life both foreign and familiar to him. Most important it was his best and really only connection to her.
Visiters
The Half Breed
The three of them were in the garden when Adam sensed her. It wasn’t the first time he had felt this strange presence only this time is was too strong for him to brush off. He smiled at the ground as he practiced his watering technique on the plant. It had been a year since Calla’s grandfather made the offer of a mentor to come their way. Evan was resistant because he felt he was doing just fine on his own although everyone else felt very differently. Adam, like his grandmother, had the gift of intuition. When he first sensed the mentor he could tell she was struggling with her decision to step forward although Adam couldn’t tell why. What mattered most was that she was kind and incredibly smart. She would be good for them, this he was completely sure of.
As per usual Calla and Evan were arguing. Calla twisted the end of her long braids with each hand, “Earth is every where, even deep within the seas. Obviously we have a clear advantage over fire.”
Evan was perched up on a boulder half playing and half eating his apple. “Fire will destroy your Earth. Fact.”
Calla’s face turned red and she pursed her lips together. Evan was the only one that could get the temper out of an even keeled child of earth. Evan could very skillfully read people, just in a very different way than Adam could. Evan relied on people’s expressions and actions while Adam followed his intuitions. His brother had an unfortunate habit of using this gift to push people’s buttons by testing their boundaries. Adam hoped he wouldn’t do this with their mentor.
Slowly she walked out from behind the trees. A raven haired beauty with pink streaks in her hair. Her eyes black and slight, her skin as pale as the moon. She wore leather boots, torn faded jeans, and some sort of mesh top with a hot pink tank top underneath. She surveyed each child without saying a word although a small smirk played along her lips. She was older than the three of them, but still pretty young. Adam figured she was probably around thirteen or fourteen years old. Visually she was nothing like he expected, her essence was of someone much older.
She nodded at Calla, “You lack confidence.” Then she turned to Evan, “You lack discipline.” Lastly she turned towards Adam, “I haven’t quite figured out what your issue is yet.”
Evan jumped down from the boulder, walked right up to her, and looked right up at her. “First of all we don’t know you and you definitely don’t know us so back off.” Then he took a defiant bite of his apple right in her face.
Calla meekly questioned, “What makes you think we have issues?”
Evan snarked, “We don’t Calla. She’s clearly a Common and has nothing better to do with her time then bully a bunch of kids half her age.”
The mentor cocked her head to the side, “Common?” Suddenly there was a static electricity to the air. Goosebumps appeared on all their arms. The mentor raised her outstretched arms to her sides and a small gust of wind began to blow. The wind quickly picked up encircling all four of them. They were in the middle of a small tornado. Calla ran into Evan’s arms. They both had tears in their eyes, but Adam was not afraid. He knew she would not cause intentional harm to them. This was just her way of putting Evan in his place.
Sarah and Allan ran into the garden yelling at the mentor to stop. She lowered her arms and the wind slowly stopped. The smirk never left her face. “My name is Layla and I am NOT common.”
While Sarah scolded Layla for putting the fear of god into small children Allan jumped to her defense. “Sarah please place your trust in me. I did warn you she was unconventional.”
All of them sat in a circle while Layla explained her background to them. Her father was born of air, but ran away from home when he was around fourteen years old to discover a life other than what he had been shown. Along his travels he befriended both mystical and non mystical folks. He naturally had a thirst for knowledge and it was this thirst that led him to her mother, a young girl working in a library. She was a Common. They did what most do when they fall in love: married and had children. Layla inherited her father’s thirst for knowledge as well as his natural abilities. From a very young age she began to accompany him on his travels, specifically to the villages of other elements. Although she would never be able to duplicate their natural abilities, she grasped a strong understanding of it. In some ways it was her outsiders perspective that allowed her to teach someone of a different element something new about their own craft.
She looked Sarah straight on, “I am going to show them how each of their abilities will work with and against other elements. You cannot master your own element fully without a complete understanding of the other three.” Then she scowls at Evan, "And don't ever underestimate those born into the Common way of life." She looked down at the ground after that last remark.
Adam sensed something in Layla, a past hurt she was trying to hide. She looked at him and for a brief moment he saw a softness in her eyes. As quickly as it appeared it faded away and she turned her face back towards Sarah. Why had it taken her an entire year to come to them? Why were her methods so extreme? Her soul was so old for someone so young. There were all these puzzle pieces about her that Adam had no clue how to put all together to form a clearer picture.
As per usual Calla and Evan were arguing. Calla twisted the end of her long braids with each hand, “Earth is every where, even deep within the seas. Obviously we have a clear advantage over fire.”
Evan was perched up on a boulder half playing and half eating his apple. “Fire will destroy your Earth. Fact.”
Calla’s face turned red and she pursed her lips together. Evan was the only one that could get the temper out of an even keeled child of earth. Evan could very skillfully read people, just in a very different way than Adam could. Evan relied on people’s expressions and actions while Adam followed his intuitions. His brother had an unfortunate habit of using this gift to push people’s buttons by testing their boundaries. Adam hoped he wouldn’t do this with their mentor.
Slowly she walked out from behind the trees. A raven haired beauty with pink streaks in her hair. Her eyes black and slight, her skin as pale as the moon. She wore leather boots, torn faded jeans, and some sort of mesh top with a hot pink tank top underneath. She surveyed each child without saying a word although a small smirk played along her lips. She was older than the three of them, but still pretty young. Adam figured she was probably around thirteen or fourteen years old. Visually she was nothing like he expected, her essence was of someone much older.
She nodded at Calla, “You lack confidence.” Then she turned to Evan, “You lack discipline.” Lastly she turned towards Adam, “I haven’t quite figured out what your issue is yet.”
Evan jumped down from the boulder, walked right up to her, and looked right up at her. “First of all we don’t know you and you definitely don’t know us so back off.” Then he took a defiant bite of his apple right in her face.
Calla meekly questioned, “What makes you think we have issues?”
Evan snarked, “We don’t Calla. She’s clearly a Common and has nothing better to do with her time then bully a bunch of kids half her age.”
The mentor cocked her head to the side, “Common?” Suddenly there was a static electricity to the air. Goosebumps appeared on all their arms. The mentor raised her outstretched arms to her sides and a small gust of wind began to blow. The wind quickly picked up encircling all four of them. They were in the middle of a small tornado. Calla ran into Evan’s arms. They both had tears in their eyes, but Adam was not afraid. He knew she would not cause intentional harm to them. This was just her way of putting Evan in his place.
Sarah and Allan ran into the garden yelling at the mentor to stop. She lowered her arms and the wind slowly stopped. The smirk never left her face. “My name is Layla and I am NOT common.”
While Sarah scolded Layla for putting the fear of god into small children Allan jumped to her defense. “Sarah please place your trust in me. I did warn you she was unconventional.”
All of them sat in a circle while Layla explained her background to them. Her father was born of air, but ran away from home when he was around fourteen years old to discover a life other than what he had been shown. Along his travels he befriended both mystical and non mystical folks. He naturally had a thirst for knowledge and it was this thirst that led him to her mother, a young girl working in a library. She was a Common. They did what most do when they fall in love: married and had children. Layla inherited her father’s thirst for knowledge as well as his natural abilities. From a very young age she began to accompany him on his travels, specifically to the villages of other elements. Although she would never be able to duplicate their natural abilities, she grasped a strong understanding of it. In some ways it was her outsiders perspective that allowed her to teach someone of a different element something new about their own craft.
She looked Sarah straight on, “I am going to show them how each of their abilities will work with and against other elements. You cannot master your own element fully without a complete understanding of the other three.” Then she scowls at Evan, "And don't ever underestimate those born into the Common way of life." She looked down at the ground after that last remark.
Adam sensed something in Layla, a past hurt she was trying to hide. She looked at him and for a brief moment he saw a softness in her eyes. As quickly as it appeared it faded away and she turned her face back towards Sarah. Why had it taken her an entire year to come to them? Why were her methods so extreme? Her soul was so old for someone so young. There were all these puzzle pieces about her that Adam had no clue how to put all together to form a clearer picture.
American Eagle Red Wedges With Polka Dots
This is a continuation of my new series...
Most children are naturally curious regardless of what element they are born into. And as much as Sarah wanted to hide the boys away from the Earth Circle she knew she couldn’t. The little girl with the big brown eyes who wore her long dark hair in two braids was named Calla. It shouldn’t have surprised Sarah in the least when Adam, Evan, and Calla came off that bus the first day of kindergarten in a fit of giggles.
Later that evening while Sarah was cleaning up supper an unexpected visitor came knocking at the door. This was a moment she had equally feared and anticipated since she witnessed Calla’s magic that morning. As much as she loved and trusted her boys, they were children after all and most five year olds aren’t very good at keeping secrets. A tall olive skinned man with wavy shoulder length brown hair and those deep set brown eyes with smile lines dancing around them. Comfort immediately washed over Sarah’s entire self.
“Allan.”
They immediately joined in a warm embrace as laughter escaped both their bodies. An old familiar face. Allan of the Earth was someone she had come to know through the Inter Element Council Meetings. He was always so rational, thoughtful, and careful with the words he chose as was classic of those born of the Earth. There are many people, most of them kind, that Sarah has come across in her lifetime but very few she would consider a true friend. Allan was that special exception.
When they pulled away he shook his head, “I would have never expected to find you in my neck of the woods, literally. But I am sure you somehow knew we would once again cross paths.”
Sarah’s sixth sense didn’t always come as solid clear visions, more often than not it was in the form of a guiding intuition. This must be how she ended up in Valley Cottage of all places. She motioned for him to come inside. They sat across from one another in the living room reminiscing over what seemed like another lifetime ago. Calla was his granddaughter and he boasted as all proud grandparents do. Sarah could not argue what a lovely girl she sensed Calla to be or how natural a friendship between her and the boys seemed.
Allan abruptly changed the topic, “The prophecy is true then? The child born of two opposing elements that will change the course for all four.”
Sarah smiled, “You know I was never one to give into such silly tales. Besides the prophecy tells of one child and as you know there are two. Additionally one is clearly fire while the other is clearly water. They show no evidence of being able to cross over.”
“Sarah my friend, you forget how long and how well I know you. If you did not believe in the prophecy then you would not have run away with them or be trying to hide them.”
“Who is hiding?” She calls the boys down to join them in the living room. Adam was cautious of the strange man in their home while Evan immediately approached him grinning ear to ear. How bold that little boy was! Why was Sarah still surprised after all this time?
Allan knew this little boy was itching to show him something and he happily obliged. Evan turned towards the still fireplace piled with unused logs. He shut his eyes, balled his hands into tiny fists, and muttered something quietly to himself. It started with a small spark that quickly ignited into a giant flame. On instinct Adam pushed his palm out to flush it with water.
Allan let out a hearty laugh, “How has this house not been destroyed yet? They are so strong for being so young. And how are you teaching him the ways of fire?”
Her face turned into a frown as she sent the boys back to their room upstairs. Sarah explained in hushed tones that she in fact had no hand in Evan’s abilities, he was completely driven by instinct. This both scared and impressed her. Although Adam was just as naturally gifted, she knew how to mentor his development. She feared if she did not find someone soon to properly harness Evan’s strength it could turn into something very destructive, much like his mother. At the mention of Athena a single tear fell down her face.
Allan brushed it away with his thumb, “Be careful, your water heart is showing.”
It is true now that they lived among Commons they had to take extra precautions not to show exactly who or what they were. Sarah knew the risk when she brought the boys here, yet she felt it was still a smarter choice than staying among her own kind. Although there are moments when she longs for the comforts of the life she once belonged to. Perhaps the three of them could attempt to live some sort of non mystical life and this would keep them all safe.
"Sarah don't fool yourself into thinking all trouble has been left behind. There are still whispers among the council members of what happened in that fire village. Some believe the baby survived. And the bodies of the parents were never found."
Hope filled her heart at the thought of her son still being alive. She could track him, the strongest connection is between a mother and their child. Although if Athena survived she could track the boys just as easily. And if she is still as power thirsty as she was that day the boys wouldn't stand a chance against her being so young and new at their crafts. She squeezed Allan's hand, "The boys need to get stronger, but I cannot do it alone. Especially with Evan."
"I may know someone. This person is very unconventional, so you must keep an open mind and trust me."
She knew her options were limited, but she had to take what she could get.
Predictions Black Slides
Nearly two decades ago the prophecy began, although those most directly involved were completely unaware of it. Two young witches from different circles fell in love. The young girl Athena of Fire would run off into the woods to meet Gavin of Water every day. They would make love in the woods under the stars each night as they made promises to one day fully be together.
There was no animosity amongst the separate elements, they just each had their own philosophies on life. The importance was that they all believed in maintaining the natural order of things by working together. A romance between two different elements wasn't specifically forbidden, it was just something that had never occurred. And because it was something that had never happened no one knew the possible outcomes of such an event.
Those born of fire were known for their impulsiveness, quick tempers, and adventurous spirit. Athena was the perfect example of this. Her wild strawberry blond hair flowed freely like the mane of a lioness. And yet she was drawn so strongly to the tranquil, whimsical, and emotional water child in Gavin. Gavin had the bluest eyes she had ever seen. They balanced one another out in a way their families would never be able to understand. This is why their love was kept secret at least until Athena became pregnant.
Gavin's mother, Sarah, with the gift of fortune was the first to discover what had happened. She was one of the most respected elders in the village of water. She knew this unborn child would harness a power greater than anyone would be able to contain. She desperately tried to explain that a child born of both water and fire could mean destruction for both circles. She struggled between her maternal instincts to protect her grandchild and honoring her allegiance to her circle which would ultimately mean killing this child.
Gavin thought telling Athena everything he had learned would help them come up with a solution together. Unfortunately to every light there is a darkness and Athena slowly gave into her darker side obsessed with the power her unborn child held. As the pregnancy progressed so did Athena's transition into the shadows of her former self. She became paranoid that everyone was after this great power, so she would stop at nothing to make sure it was hers and hers alone.
As soon as word traveled to the water circle of Athena's labor Gavin and Sarah rushed to be by her side. It was when they came upon a village of ashes fear set in that it was too late, but Athena was still alive...the sole survivor. Gavin saw she held two babies in her arms, two boys. His eyes pleaded with the girl he loved for an explanation.
Athena had a twisted smile on her face, "I had to protect the power."
She didn't say babies, she said power and with that Gavin knew he had lost the girl he loved completely. He turned to his mother for guidance, then with a single tear falling down his face the room began to fill with water. Athena was paralyzed by both confusion and lack of strength since she had used too much to destroy her village. Sarah took this opportunity to scoop up the babies in her arms, rush out of the room, and never look back. Without a word exchanged she knew this was what her son wanted her to do. Save the boys, save us all.
FIVE YEARS LATER
To Sarah it was clear from the very beginning that Adam was a child a water. As a baby he could manipulate the water during bath time, a skill most did not learn until many years later. His eyes changed from every hue of blue that existed depending on his mood. He had a gentle spirit, the most calm, giving and generous young boy she had ever known. His brown hair in curls framed his pale face. Although Sarah had only been mother to one child before, she had taken on the maternal role to several back in the village of water. She knew better than most the proper ways to raise a child of this element.
The challenge was Evan with his strawberry blond hair, olive skin, and deep green eyes. He was in every way a child of fire. Evan was the one she could not turn her back on for even a moment without him causing some form of mischief. Although it should be obvious not to leave a child to his own devices when he literally plays with fire. He was bold, adventurous, and curious about everything he came across. Sarah felt at a loss when it came to Evan for she did not know the ways of the fire circle and did not want to cheat him of his heritage.
For as different as the boys were there was one important thing they had in common, both boys were pure of heart. Neither would ever intentionally cause harm to any living creature. And this unspoken bond kept them looking out for one another without Sarah ever having to ask them to. The three of them had become their own mini tribe.
Each night before they went to bed Sarah would tell them stories of the circles of the elements. How Fire, Water, Earth, and Air all worked together to maintain the harmonious balance of the world. No element no more important or powerful than the other and each with their own strengths and weaknesses. She was careful to evade questions, always by Evan, about their parents. Partially because she didn't feel they were ready yet and also because she didn't know all the details as one or both of them may very well still be alive.
The biggest change was moving the boys to a place far away from the world they had come from. This was of course for their safety for if people knew of their existence they may try to destroy them. She brought them to a town called Valley Cottage where they lived in a small house surrounded by woods. It was the element of earth that would both ground and neutralize the boys. It was stressed over and over again that the boys cannot under any circumstances expose their power to anyone else. Sarah knew Adam would listen, Evan was a constant concern but as far as she knew he would try his best to fight against his natural urges to showboat. The people of fire were never known for being subdued.
Sarah was walking the boys to the bus stop at the end of the road for the first day of kindergarten and that was when she first spotted the girl that would change everything. The girl had those recognizable big brown eyes that Sarah hadn't come across in many years. What the little girl did next confirmed Sarah's suspicions. All three of them watched as the brown eyed girl placed her hand gently above a dying flower while chanting some words quietly to herself. The flower came to complete full bloom right in front of them.
This time it was Adam who asked the question, "Grandma is she like us?"
Sarah shook her head, "No sweetheart, she is something else entirely different." For as far as she had taken the boys they had ended up in the midst of an Earth Circle.
American Eagle Blue Striped Open Toe Sling Back Flats
Springtime Metaphors...
*The seed of doubt takes very little effort to grow into the weed that will eventually strangle you.
**Don't be envious of someone whose bloom is grander than yours, instead learn from them so that you can blossom to your fullest too.
***It is time and persistence that make a strong tree from a weak seedling
****We are not all meant to be the same: some of us trees, some flowers, some grass. But it is together than we create the beauty of nature.
*****If a bird lives in fear of the fall it will never learn how to fly
****Sunshine and rain aren't all that different, the right amount can help us aspire to great heights but too much or too little and we will perish.
***Do not resist the winds of change, for they may take you on an incredible journey
**A fresh blanket of snow reminds us that life is a blank canvas waiting to be painted with the colors of your dreams
*Sex much like gardening without the proper precautions can wreak havoc on your back, hands, and knees
Black Mary Janes Heels
The Last Dance
We both knew this moment would eventually come. Slowly and hesitantly we made our way towards one another on the dance floor. My head pressed against your chest, your heart beat in rhythm to the song. Your strong arms wrapped tightly around me. In this last dance we hold onto the happiness we once shared remembering all the laughter. I look up into your eyes where I used to see a future and now all I can see is a past.
There were angry ugly words that never should have been said as well as hurtful things that never should have been done. There is no going back to that boy and girl who were so mandly in love before things slowly began to fall apart. You are the person I want to run to and run away from all at the same time. How did we get this way?
No words are spoken. We just sway in our warm embrace. As the song dies down we lean into one another for that final kiss. Goodbye. Good luck. Good riddance. I'm sorry. It's all wrapped up into the soft brush of your lips against mine.
Then we walk our separate ways as the strangers we once were and now will be again.
Lower East Side Brown Boots vs Lower East Side Brown Suade Wedges
The Two Sides of Lower East Side
She's the kind of girl that rolls out of bed, pulls her hair back in a pony tale, throws on some jeans and a sweatshirt and her brown boots to explore the day. Grabs a banana and apple to throw into her knapsack along with her camera. A little drizzling outside never scared her. She jumps into her car to some unknown destination blasting some good tunes from the rock gods. Curious about what the day will bring.
She's the kind of girl that has her outfit and day both planned out from the night before. It's important not to rush getting ready, to get the right look you have to put the time in. Hair glossy and blown out, make-up carefully applied, denim skirt with sparkly brown low cut top, matching earrings and necklace, and her brown suede wedges. She gets into her car excited for what the day will bring.
To her pleasant surprise she comes across a secluded park. It's there she begins her nature walk taking random pictures along the way. Every once in a while she'll stop to chat with someone she bumps into along the way. At one point she stops to sit on a bench overlooking some marshes while she snacks on her fruit. No rush, she's got the whole day ahead of her.
Thankfully she snags a good spot at the mall. She knows she'll be dragging tons of bags out of here later, so the less she has to drag them to her car the better. The girls are meeting her at H&M in about ten minutes. It's stressful when you have so much to do and feel like there just isn't nearly enough time to get it done. As usual she catches glances from the men she walks past. Today isn't about catching a man as much as catching a good deal on some fashions.
After a few hours of leisurely strolling the park she decides to get back into her car and made an impromptu trip to the mall to catch a movie. She's not sure what's even playing right now, but surely she'll find something appealing. She purposely finds a spot far away from the entrance so she can get some extra walking in. Her legs are feelings that energizing burn and she loves it.
Gossip is one of the major food groups or it should be because it's as beneficial if not more so than the others. She cannot remember the last time she laughed this hard. One of the things her and the girls love to do is people watch and then make up funny stories to go along with the people. For example there was this one girl in sweats, faded jeans, and brown boots that looked completely unkempt. She was labeled some hairy feminist lesbian. It's sad when people don't put any time or effort into their appearance.
At one point she walked past this group of fashionista wannabees and could have sworn she heard stifled laughter from them. No clue what or why they were laughing, but either way she couldn't really care. This day is about her spending some quality time with herself. She doesn't have a strong need to win over the approval of complete strangers. One of her favorite things to do at the mall is people watch. Her curiosity peeks at all the different people she'll come across wondering what brought them all to the same place at the same moment.
At the end of the day she lays all her purchases out on her bed configuring the different combinations she can put them together in. Today was a success.
At the end of the day she lays out on her bed reading a book and relaxing. Today was a success.
Black Sketchers Sneakers
****A brief announcement from our girl JJ on one of her latest adventures****
I'm not going to be one of those petty girls that will degrade the size of your penis or sexual performance just because things didn't work out. No, frankly I'm above that kind of childish bullshit. Instead I'll keep it real when I say both were very pleasing to me.
How can I best explain what this is all about to you R.M. in a way that your tiny little mind will understand? I posted a Craigslist ad that was VERY specific about what I wanted and expected from a potential fuck buddy. Tired of the bar scene and willing to try something new I figured why the hell not? Everyone knows I'm not one for romance anyways, just some good old fashioned pounding. And the way you bent me over the back of your hatch and fucked me in the middle of a field nearly brought me to tears. Bonus points for the way you went down on me like you were a gold medalist in muff diving.
Here's where things started to go sour...when in the middle of our first time having sex you told me you wanted to bring a friend along so you guys could double penetrate me. Um, I was just meeting you and dealing with you...now you want to turn this into a sporting event?! Pretty sure I was very clear in my ad that I was specifically looking to avoid multi partner drama by just dealing with one guy. Oddly you took my lack of response as an invitation to take things to the next freaky level and you brought up swinger parties about four times. Hard to believe you're completely drug free when those things are notorious for having them.
Ah then there was when you transitioned into a neurotic freak while driving me back to my car. You talked incessantly about yourself cutting me off whenever I tried to join in the conversation. Or how about blasting your stereo so loud I thought I would start hemorrhaging out of my ears? This was music you insisted on me listening to yet you continuously yapped over it. Maybe the best was when you started showing me a couple dozen photos of you on your Facebook account through your phone while explaining how all these random women are obsessed with you.
No wait I especially appreciated the lecture on politics for 10 minutes. I desperately tried to flee the scene but you wouldn't let me. Against my better judgment we hooked up one more time the next day at my place. You started out cool so I figured all the creepy stuff came from nerves. The sex was even more amazing than the night before, you tired me out which rarely ever happens. Then the freak came out again. Abruptly I walked out of the room as you started to play a music video of yourself and like the insecure weirdo you are you followed me into the hallway half naked to make sure I saw this video.
We parted on good terms with you saying you were excited for the next time. When I texted you for a booty call a couple of days later you explained that you were too busy with music, school, and work. You said we could hook up that weekend. Then like an idiot you blew me off. Soooooo, R.M. onto the next one I go. The sex was great, but I'm not dealing with all the crap that comes along with it. Good luck finding someone who will.
Boots. Ass. Curb.
Black Open Toe Platforms
Someone at work recently said to me "You're this quiet person, but then I see these pictures of you on Facebook and realize there's a completely different side to you."
These shoes remind me of that other Laura. The girl who takes risks, often stupid ones, and lives to tell the stories about them. The girl that has eight tattoos, has been pierced more than twenty times, and used to change her hair drastically with her moods. The woman who learned to put her entire life up on a blog because she was no longer afraid of people discovering who she really is.
The gutter mind. The shameless flirt. The karaoke singer. The goofy buzzed girl. The spontaneous road trip taker. The sex pot.
I am forever a walking contradiction for as much as the above is completely who I am, so is the following....
The mild mannered girl who always says please, thank you, excuse me, may I, and bless you. The one with her nose buried in a book. The person who volunteers for local charities and organizations. The Girl Scout veteran. The woman who still blushes and refuses to make direct eye contact when she finds someone incredibly attractive. The grown up that still have stuffed animals, colors, and plays with bubbles on a warm summer day. That girl would NOT wear these shoes.
American Eagle Red Mary Janes
Something that's been on my mind as of late, the whole death of my inner romantic.
Maybe it started early on because of my parents, watching two people so in love with one another and so happy. Then I suppose countless romantic comedies further planted the seed in my head that I too could obtain this happily ever after. There were hours upon hours of day dreaming and fantasizing about who he would be and what our life would be like together. No detail was spared, I am a very detail oriented person.
Unfortunately reality happened and in this reality I gave my heart to those who didn't take very good care of it. The biggest heartbreak of all was when my marriage fell apart. Then I fell into a pattern of bad dating thereafter. I took a break to regroup and work on myself. When I braved the dating world once again I ran into the same issues I had before.
Somehow the eternally optimistic romantic kept fighting through all the hurt. Then I think a part of me just died. How could I have lost hope in something I have held onto so strongly nearly my entire life especially when I am the happiest I have ever been? So many other aspects of my life are so fulfilling. I guess I'm no different from anyone else and we all have our breaking point.
The dream of becoming a mother is faded. The dream of falling in love faded. The dream of meeting that one person who makes all the hurt worthwhile is gone. Even when I try to convince myself I still believe it feels so strained and phony.
I have a great life, romance may just not end up being a part of it and I need to be okay with that. Not everyone gets to find true love, so how egotistical would I be to assume it's 100% going to happen for me when it hasn't happened for others?
Obviously I don't NEED this in my life, but I sure as hell wanted it. I'll continue to focus my heart on other things and find my happily ever after in a different form.
Black Double Strapped with Chunky Heel
The Leap
Cassidy stepped out of the shower, wrapped herself in a large towel, wiped the steam from the mirror, and took a good hard long look at herself. Those bright blue eyes once full of happiness now stared back at her with a complete emptiness.
His name was Chris. Chris was her friend. The boy from across the street she used to run through the sprinkler with on hot summer days. He was also the very first boy to tell her she was pretty which made him the first boy to make her blush. Countless birthday parties, school field trips sitting next to each other on the bus, bike rides to the park. Memories full of laughter. He was her friend, but all good things with him now only exist in the past.
It happened at some random end of the year high school get together. Cassidy the wall flower had decided to take a leap of faith, stop observing the fun and finally become a part of it. Chris the social butterfly spotted her from across the crowded room. His warm smile quickly eased her nerves. He signaled with a head nod for her to meet him outside.
They went for a walk talking about upcoming college plans. He was going to do a couple of years at the local community college then maybe go to a four year school somewhere in the city. She was going down south to warmer weather to pursue a liberal arts degree. He smelled vaguely of cigarette smoke and beer, but as far as Cassidy knew he didn't dabble in either. Maybe the excitement of graduation was bringing out his curiosity in things just like it had done for her.
They were walking through the wooded area at the end of the culdesac when he kissed her. It felt all wrong. He was rough and forceful. And it didn't stop with the kissing. He started grabbing her. Cassidy pulled away and suggested they go back to the party. Chris explained that he had always found her pretty, this would be a nice way to say goodbye before she left. Cassidy stood firm and told him "no".
He didn't like that. Everything else happened so quickly. Getting shoved hard down onto the ground. His warm breath on her body. The tears that streaked her face. After a while she stopped struggling because it only made it hurt worse. It may have only been a few minutes, but it erased a lifetime of what she thought she knew. The worst part was that when he was done he began panicking. He begged her not to tell anyone especially his or her parents. He was so sorry, he didn't mean to, he didn't know what happened. Then he justified it that because they had known each other for so long it was only natural that it happened. Cassidy laid there silent, naked, bruised, snot and tears dried on her face.
Sometimes there are no words. Chris was her friend. Now she doesn't know who or what he is to her. Cassidy doesn't even know who or what she is to herself.
Two Inch "Roped" Red Wedges
115 N Holmes St: Daphne
Being on your own is a scary thing. Growing up I was part of a big family, then I had roommates and suite mates all throughout college, and lastly there was my husband. Him and I used to do everything together at least until we started to slip away from one another. Often I filled our time apart being surrounded by others, anything to avoid being alone.
Those first few weeks in the house by myself post divorce I remember that everything echoed in the vast emptiness. Unfortunately I had made the choice many years back to move away from my family and friends in order to be closer to his. They were so warm and inviting until suddenly they weren't. It became painfully clear that they had always belonged to him and now that I no longer did I was of no use to them.
Maggie, Mike, and Louwin filled my home in a way that was so much more than I could have imagined. We became our own dysfunctional little family. One day during one of our dinners I just sat back and watched them all interact with one another. I was absently playing with the food on my plate, delicious as always, but my mind and appetite were elsewhere. Why in my thirties am I acting like a shy child desperately clinging to others to form a false sense of self?
After dinner I went up to my room on a scavenger hunt. The little black dress I never wear, the black lacy underwear that still had tags on it, and those red wedges still in the box. These items much like me are just sitting idly by collecting dust. Time to reconnect with myself. I blew out my hair, put on make up, located a long forgotten razor (parts of me were strongly representing Chewbacca), and then slipped into my sexy ensemble.
You may think this sounds completely ridiculous but that night was about having some special time with myself. Was there the occasional man flirting with me, yes. I didn't care because this wasn't about attracting a man's attention. Walking around the mall weaving in and out of stores just to pass the time. Then I randomly decided to see an IMAX movie. At the end of the night I stopped off at an ice cream parlor to gorge on a giant sundae. There was no one else to entertain or impress, just me. And I have to say it was by far the best date I ever had.
American Eagle Beige Canvas Flats with Bows
A flower in darkness cannot bloom
Although too much light can consume it
The delicacy of a balancing act
Is how it all reacts to the elements that surround
Plucked up out of the ground before it's time
Survival is not everyone's primal instinct
Sometimes a fresh bud will happily drown in the rain
Long before fruition ever came
It takes many lifetimes for an acorn to become a mighty tree
Rungs of memories multiply incessantly
Roses are not the ultimate beauty form
And often we forget they are riddled with thorns
Black Leather Boots with laces? (not sure how to label these)
When I was twenty five and living in South Carolina I took on a part time job as a movie theater usher. This was to help supplement my income although it also ended up supplementing my social life too.
Much like high school and college I found myself drawn to people younger than me. Unfortunately while living down South I failed to fortify many solid friendships: blame it on me being Pagan, Liberal, Bisexual, or just plain me. Most likely is was a colorful combination of the above. And younger people didn't seem to give a shit about all that. They actually found me funny, cool, and smart which is proof of the downhill direction today's youth were heading.
Anyways I digress. This was like my second chance at high school without the academic pressures. For a while I really looked forward to my shifts at the theater feeling accepted and appreciated for who I was, this has consistently been such a rarity in my life. Then I think one day it kind of hit me...I'm that creepy older person that hangs with high school kids?! Ewwww.
Thankfully I was able to ditch both of my poorly paying jobs for a much higher paying single job. When I left the theater gig I distanced myself from my "friends". You can't over go back. This was some pathetic attempt at me to rewrite history and I can't. I will never be the beautiful popular cool girl and I have to be okay with that. As long as I desperately cling onto some diluted fantasy of what I want to be I will never be able to love and appreciate all that I already am.
For the people back in the day who didn't want to get to know me, it was completely their loss because I am kind of amazing in a goofy silly one in a million way.
Green Wedges with a Flower
Do you remember my post "Good Men Don't Grow on Craigslist Trees?" Well a friend/acquaintance of mine who read the blog for some reason thought her experience would somehow be vastly different. She has had her share of misfortune in love and decided to forgo the whole relationship thing in pursuit of some hot sex. Despite my practically pleading with her to reconsider I allow her to use my computer the other night. She posts the following ad:
25 year old female Albany
The whole dating/relationship thing hasn't gone so great for me and I'm okay with that. What I'm not so okay with is going to bed each night horny and alone. I'm not looking for a bunch of one night stands or flings and I'm not interested in being one of many in some guy's corral. Ideally a Friends with Benefits situation would be nice. A cool guy that's maybe in a similar situation and looking for someone to help with a sexual release on a regular basis. I'm not too specific about looks, but I'm personally not attracted to "big" guys. I'm short with some meat on me and I too understand that some guys prefer leaner or more muscular girls. I'm disease free, drama free, drug free, have my own place and my own car. I'm looking for a guy that's the same. I have this insatiable sexual appetite and no one to share it with. Obviously mutual attraction is real important, but someone to click with that we could hang on occasion outside of the incessant banging would be a bonus.
If this sounds like something you might be interested in please drop me a line. Your pic will get mine, no pic equals no response.
Um yeah. Obviously her inbox floods with responses almost immediately. 1/2 of them are guys that don't have pictures and insist she give them hers first, those get deleted immediately. Then there are a handful of guys at least 15 years older than her because like a dummy she forgot the specify age. Of course there are a few she's not attracted to in the slightest, so she send them polite "thanks, but no thanks" responses. That was nice, but completely unnecessary for what this is.
Finally she narrows it down to three potentials. They exchange emails back and forth for a bit. Guy #1 loses all interest when she isn't willing to meet him within the next hour. Guy #2 confesses after some flirtation that he has no job, no car, and lives in a half way house which is court ordered because of a drug related arrest. Did the idiot even read the ad? Guy #3 meets all the qualifications. On her way out she begins sexting him. The latest update is that they are looking to arrange a meet up.
I'm holding in my I told You So for when she inevitable tells me what a degenerate this guy turns out to be. I'll keep you all posted.
This blog had absolutely nothing to do with these shoes or any shoes for that matter, I just had to share.
Airwalk Polka Dot Canvas Flats
Like the dots on my shoe, pieces of my life have become fragmented.
Still that little girl with the big brown eyes scared of the world around her. Desperate to climb under a warm blanket wishing it all away. Holding in the tears only makes it hurt even more. Looking for someone to tell her it's all going to be okay.
It will be okay. Just breath. Push through the dark to get to the light.
Hopeful. Worried. Happy. Tired.
Lose herself in a fantasy of alternate possibilities. Will she find her way back again?
American Eagle Open Toe Black White and Red heart printed shoes
Heart Vs Hormones
Liam watches Beth shake her tiny ass to the hip hop music blaring from the stereo as she works her new found magic at the stove. She used to be the textbook take out queen until a new health kick inspired her to experiment more in the kitchen. Preparing her own food was something she had successfully avoided for many many years, or so Liam had been told. The girl he knew happily sang and danced while she created some random selection from a slew of cookbooks that were scattered on her kitchen table. Who needs a table? Eating meals was for the living room anyways according to her.
There are things he's curious about, but too much of a chicken shit to ask her. Maybe because he's so sexually inexperienced that he is kind of in awe of just how experienced she is. He'd be lying if he said he'd never rushed things sexually with a girl or had casual sex, but he could still count the number of people he had been with on one hand. Maybe most would consider that lame for his age; he's actually proud of his restraint. There were definitely opportunities, he just made the choice not to give into them.
Beth waves him over to try some of the sauce. It's so good Liam licks the spoon.
"You know I could come up with far better uses for that tongue of yours." She starts laughing as his face turns completely red. Of course her flirty comment was innocent. Unfortunately he was well aware of just how platonic this relationship was.
"And how many tongues have you made good use of?"
She cocks her head to the side, "Why does it matter?"
He shrugs. There's no easy way to have this conversation with her. They are just friends even though he has always wanted so much more. There's a pang of jealousy for every guy that has gotten to experience her in a way he probably never will. What's even worse is that according to Beth most of these guys were jerks who treated like shit afterward, sometimes during.
Beth runs her fingers through her hair. "That's what gets me. I have this insatiable sex drive that should be appreciated. Society thinks a woman who loves sex is some demonic life force. Is that what you think of me too?"
"Hardly. I think I just don't get how you can give yourself so freely to someone who hasn't proven he's worth it?"
"Liam if I waited for a worthy guy I'd probably still be a virgin. Maybe you think that's a good thing, but I don't. I don't think it's healthy to deny who we are, what we want, what we need. Intimacy is a very basic human need. I guess more often than not my hormones win over my heart and look where that got me?"
Liam pulls Beth in for a hug. His favorite thing about her happens to also be his least favorite, Beth's complete lack of self awareness. This girl has no clue just how amazing she is and she keeps getting sucked into a cycle with guys who reinforce that. At least his friendship can show her that not all guys are after her for one thing. Although he would love to experience her healthy sexual appetite, he's far more interested in capturing her heart.
American Eagle Canvas Plaid Flats
These shoes are comfortable and cute, but I think I may have outgrown them. In actuality with the weight I have lost these shoes along with several others are too big on me. It took my March shoe challenge for me to try on these shoes and realize they may not be such a good fit for me anymore.
Of course this is a metaphor as I am the metaphor queen. I'm starting to think about certain past behaviors of mine that I have or am starting to outgrow.
1. Dating/Friendships. Take the latest two guys I dated: Gavin and Don. In order to be involved with them it took a lot of effort on my part, far more effort than they were giving. Both of them were evasive, moody, and couldn't commit to plans ahead of time or backed out at the last minute. Additionally both are emotionally unstable, now for me to say that is REALLY saying something. Do I really want to be around someone that's no negative and brings me down? Do I really want to put time into something when the other person isn't willing to do the same? Do I want to pursue something platonic or otherwise with people who don't appreciate me or my worth? The answer to all the above is NO. One of them was far too interested in teh sexual aspect of things while the other one wasn't at all. It would be nice to find something in the middle that's just right. Call me Goldilocks if you'd like.
2. Food Prep. Ask anyone and they will tell you just how lazy I was when it came to making my own meals. It was just easier to get take-out, something microwavable, or something instant where I just add water. My big meal was tacos which only required cooking the meat for about 10 minutes. Since January of this year I decided to start experimenting in the kitchen and expanding my culinary skills. Now I'm on a routine of trying one new recipe a week...and I hate to admit it, but I am actually enjoying myself. Right now I am just cooking for myself, but maybe at some point I'll brave doing it for other people. Some of my past successes have included: Southwest Turkey Burgers, Turkey Ziti, Chicken with Swiss and Sun Dried Tomatoes, Chicken Carnitas, and my latest Pasta with Turkey and Peppers.
3. The battle between the Pessimist and the Optimist. For a very long time that we'll classify as the majority of my life The Pessimist ruled the land of Laura. All I could see and all I could focus on was what I didn't have. Now I'm not saying The Pessimist doesn't still have small victories, but The Optimist has been successfully sitting on the thrown for quite some time now. I'm pretty sure I posted a blog or two recently about all I am thankful for, so I won't go over that again. This also kind of reinforces what I mentioned in #1 that I don't want to be around negative people as negativity tends to breed more negativity. Is my life perfect, absolutely not, but I have so many more good things than bad things going on and I'd like to keep it that way.
Sometimes it's easier to stay with what's familiar. I know because I speak from personal experience. Hell I have over 70 pairs of shoes, but I wear the same six pairs over and over again. I think for me I'm finally learning that you have to take a chance and step outside your comfort zone to see what else is out there. Maybe it'll suck, maybe it won't but it's so much better than never knowing.
Leopard Print Cork Wedges
Liam sat by nursing a beer while he watched one of his best friends dancing with the girl he had been secretly pining over for months. It was a secret to her, but just about everyone else knew about it. She had had a rough day at work and felt a night of dancing was in order. The usual group was there hanging out laughing and having a good time, all except Liam.
When he picked her up that night she was wearing this short tight black dress, with leopard print shoes, tons of make-up on her face, with her hair blown out straight. My first though was that this isn't Beth. Beth is the low key jeans, t-shirts, pony tail kind of girl. I didn't even think she owned make-up. Who was she trying to be tonight? And why? She's a naturally beautiful girl and all this did was dilute that beauty.
One of my friends took an immediate liking to this new look. He was flirting with her as soon as we entered the club. While technically I have no claims on Beth, he knew how I felt about her and shouldn't have gone there, but Reed is a walking hormone that can't be stopped. He had previously joked that if I didn't make a move someone else probably would, I just never thought it would be him. Beth tried to get me to dance with her and looking back I should have because my refusal left the opportunity there for Reed to dive right in.
They were all over each other on the dance floor. My other friends tried to convince me it was all completely innocent, but I knew better because I know with Reed nothing is ever innocent. I could kick myself for all the chances I blew to make a move and tell her how I felt. Who knows, maybe tonight could have gone very differently if I had.
One minute Reed and Beth are rubbing up against each other on the dance floor and the next minute they were gone. The problem is that Beth had been drinking a bit which was another thing completely out of character for her and I needed to make sure she was okay. My first instinct was to head to the bathroom where she might be throwing up, but out of the corner of my eye I saw them on the back porch together making out against a wall. Obviously the dance floor was the PG version of what was going on now. I mean all clothing was still on, but hands and mouths were everywhere.
Anger and jealousy consumed me as I pulled Reed off of her. One look at her glazed over expression I could tell she didn't fully understand what was going on. The smirk on Reed's face told me he did. I am known to be calm, cool, and collected at almost all times. Now it was turn to act of character.
"She's not one of your random hoes Reed!"
"I know that. We're just having fun."
"No you're taking advantage of a girl whose clearly shitfaced."
"Are you upset that it's not you?"
"Fuck off." I grab Beth's arm and steer her towards my car. She muttering stuff about the room spinning even though we're outside.
When we get back to my house she's so disoriented I have to carry her inside. I lay her down on my bed and oddly enough as soon as I take off those shoes its as if she transforms to her former self. As I'm pulling blankets over her she strokes my face with the inside of her hand. "Liam please don't hate me."
"There is nothing you could ever do to make me hate you." Then I thought for a moment, "But I do hate those shoes."
She laughed which happens to be my favorite sound in the world. She pulls me down beside her and I wrap my large arms around her tiny body. It doesn't take long for her to fall asleep with her head on my chest. I close my eyes too as I inhale her scent. I will always be there for her, I will always protect her, and I will always love her even if she doesn't know it.
Black Leather Mary Janes
These shoes take me back to my youth. I remember the excitement when my parents gave me a house key and told me I no longer needed to go to a baby sitter before an after school. And yes I was excited to be taking the bus with my friend Lucie Iuzzolino. Middle School meant changing classes, lockers, and meeting kids from Liberty and Upper Nyack Elementary Schools.
These were my first steps towards adulthood, at least in my diluted eleven year old mind they were. Jason, Adam, and Matt discussed sports while I kind of stood off by myself. There was this unspoken fraternity amongst neighborhood boys who spent the summer playing on the otherwise quiet streets together. The other girl at the bus stop, Annie, was in special ed and very quiet. She would just stare at you which creeped me out at the time because in my ignorance I didn't understand just how innocent it all was.
This was an interesting time when you're stuck between childhood and adulthood. Cartoons and Puberty. So many girls were getting boyfriends and exploring their sexuality, I felt so left behind....something I would more than make up for several years later. And suddenly I was supposed to be embarrassed that I still watched cartoons, slept with a night light, and played with my Barbies daily.
Looking back I was in such a rush to grow up and fit into something that didn't quite fit me yet. If I could go back I would want to slowly ease into it all, enjoy the journey however bumpy it may be.
Aiwalk Black and Gray Stripes with stars
Continuation of Katie and Nick....
Two old friends sit across from each other in a cafe while a small child colors at the next table. The silence between them is not because they have nothing to say, but rather because they have far too much to say to one another. Both had assumed their story had ended long ago, yet here they are dropped right in the middle of the unexpected sequel.
Nick glances over at Jacob, "He's beautiful Katie."
"I'm sorry I kept him from you, at the time I thought it was best that we all moved forward with our lives."
Those hazel eyes search her face for answers, "At the time? Obviously something has changed."
"I have no right to be here, to ask you for another chance. I'm an idiot, always have been. You used to think it was one of my charms. Remember what a fool I made of myself the day we met?"
His face breaks into a smile as he recalls the joke she made about being the owner's lover. Obviously Katie couldn't have had the foresight to know at the time that Nick was the nephew of the happily married owner. And so many years later Nick is running the place as a partial owner. Banjo's had always been his dream, his only dream, until the day Katie had walked into his life and changed everything.
It's true he didn't sit around pining after her all these years. He even managed to date a bit, but no one could ever get Katie out of his mind or his heart no matter how hard they tried. The ghost of her had a very strong presence. And the thoughts that haunted him of her and Charlie living happily ever after together. He could have chased her, could have tried to find her but he just assumed she had made up her mind and nothing he could do could change it.
Now after all this time she walks back into his cafe, into his life, and with a child? Their child. He had often said that when Katie left she took a part of him with her, he just had no idea how literal that was. How can he want to sweep her in his arms and comfort her like he had always done while at the same time wanting to yell at her for all the pain she caused him.
"You were my best friend. I thought that would never change. I thought you would always be a part of my life", the hurt is obvious in his voice. "What happened with Charlie?"
Katie shrugged, "He wasn't you."
She looks up at the wall of artwork next to them. There's oils, photography, pastels, sketches. And in the center of it all is a framed drawing on a napkin of stick figures, so completely out of place. "You still have it?"
"Some of us can't let go of things so easily as if they never mattered."
Tears spring to her eyes, "I'm going to fight for you Nick the way you once did. And any way I can make it back into you heart I'll take. I can't lose you again. I need you." Jacob has stopped coloring and is at her side now. "He needs you too. Please don't punish him because of me."
She starts to walk away when Nick says, "Where are you staying?"
"Don't know yet. We'll figure something out."
"You're family and family can always come back home."
Katie rushes into his arms. She missed his strong gentleness, his smell, his warmth. Maybe this is a not a sequel, but an entirely different novel. Time and distance may have turned them into different people. Or maybe not because deep down you will always be who you were meant to be.
Champion Black Canvas Flats with strap
Revisiting Our Friend Katie
Sometimes there are roads you once traveled that you feel you can no longer go back down. And this road may be the most comfortable and sensible way to go yet you would would rather choose that unbeaten path because curiosity has taken you hostage. Unfortunately it is that old road that you must eventually brave once more if you ever want to find your way home again.
It had been more than three years since I walked away from the one true thing in my life on a whim. The boy who knew how to create laughter in my heart. And as much as I tried to deny the regret I have lived with since, it is when I stare into the face of our child that I can no longer deny what has always been right.
One night while Jacob splashes around in the bathtub I'm is reminded of those times Nick and I splashed around in the large fountain in front of Banjo's. Jacob's dark brown curly hair sticking to his forehead just as Nick's had. They have the same smile, the same laugh, the same spirit. More than a thousand miles apart from a man he's never met yet Jacob is more Nick's son than he could ever be mine.
Charlie was away on one of his traveling musical blog adventures. This was the first impulsive thing I've done since I ran away with Charlie. All mine and Jacob's belongings jammed into my car, only leaving a note behind for Charlie upon his return. Just a simple musical lyric:
I'm coming home, to the place where I belong...
The road I had avoided going back down all these years took me three days to travel. Jacob anxiously looked out the window while bombarding me with questions. What two year old isn't high strung? In the quiet moments while he slept it gave me so much time to think. And in all that thinking I still had no clue what I would say or do once I saw those hazel eyes again.
We sat in the parking lot in front of Banjo's for a good thirty minutes while I slowly built up the courage I needed to finish this final part of my journey. It was Jacob's pleading that he was hungry that made me realize I couldn't delay this anymore. Unfortunately I was all out of the snacks I had collected along the way. As soon as I got him out of his car seat he sprinted as fast as his chubby toddler legs could go right into the cafe. In full on mommy mode I ran after him. Thank goodness for my comfy shoes because after all that driving every part of me was some version of sore or cramped. Parenthood teaches you comfort before fashion, not that I had ever been one for fashion anyways.
When I came into the cafe I saw that Nick was holding Jacob in his arms as if it was the most natural thing in the world. He was listing off all the sweet baked goods they had for rambunctious little boys when our eyes locked. He said my name barely above a whisper followed shortly by Jacob's loud, "Mommy!"
Before anything else could be said by either of us a young girl sweeping the floors looked up at the scene and said, "Woah that's crazy, he looks just like you! I didn't know you had a kid."
Nick looked at the child in his arms, then at me, then back at the child as realization slowly painted all over his face. I sort of wanted to tell the girl funny thing he didn't know he had a kid either.
ACG Grey Sneakers
JJ is back, you knew I couldn't go an entire month without my favorite fierce female
Okay you had your fun watching me briefly slip into the role of a pathetic female longing for love. Well that's over and done with. Don't think for a minute I'm sitting at home stuffing my face with Haagan Daz while crying as some sappy romantic comedy blares on my TV. I mean really, who the hell do you think you're dealing with here? I am not some weak little girl who believes her life lacks all purpose without that special someone.
I did what any rational person would do, I picked up the pieces and moved on. Eventually I was able to resume my full responsibilities at work. Additionally I began working out again as some parts of me grew slightly softer than I would prefer. And obviously I jumped right back in the sexual saddle.
Devin is the exact opposite of the complicated situation I had with Brendon. We tease each other during the day with naughty text messages, then at night we go way beyond the words we sent to each other. This is a man completely uninhibited by the restraints of plain old vanilla sex. We role play, tie each other up, sneak around in various public setting, test out toys together. Basically I have found my sexual equal. And the whipped cream on this XXX rated cake is that we're both on the same page: no romance, emotions, or strings of any kind unless once again we're using them as restraints. Finally a guy who actually gets it. We only have one rule and that is that we don't hook up with other people while we're hooking up with each other.
This is not a relationship, it's just an understanding. Think of it as a business arrangement between two corporations. Too often the men I deal with turn into little boys that can't handle what I am looking for or more specifically NOT looking for. Of course I'm not referring to Brendon, he's something else entirely and I'm not quite sure how to classify it. Oh well I was never one for labels anyways. But I will admit I do miss him.
Pink and White Dress Sneakers
First Date Shoes
Although they had been friends for quite some time, this transition into romance was both scary and exciting. She spent hours trying to figure out what to wear, more specifically on her feet. For once she wanted fashion without sacrificing her comfort. Denim skirt, funny t-shirt she made herself, and the pink and white dress sneakers. She knew she had to wear her long, brown, curly hair down...he liked her best when her hair was wild and free.
Callum insisted on doing this old school. When he showed up at her house he presented her with a bouquet of yellow lilies and a bottle of Maalox. This appealed to both her romantic side and digestive track issues. Callum immediately told her how beautiful she looked. She blushed and looked down at the floor while whispering "thank you." He walked her out to his car, opened the door, and even let her choose the radio station. This is how it had always been between the two of them except tonight love was in the air.
They walked around Saratoga holding hands on the beautiful Spring day as they weaved in and out of shops. Of course they made a pit stop at Bailey's to roast some S'mores. They took silly pictures of one another throughout town. Callum took her to Virgil's to listen to some live jazz music while they played card games in the back room.
There was no awkwardness because Callum was the guy that had been there all along right in front of her and she had previously been too blind to notice. He comforted her through all her dating drama. He patiently listened about all the guys she was interested in that he knew could never be good enough for her. And then one day he realized if he didn't step up and make things happen they probably never would.
Their first date ended with them in the park on a set of swings. He insisted on pushing her until she begged him to join her. Like children they raced to see who could go higher although he had the clear advantage with much longer and stronger legs. Then they stopped, watched the sun go down behind the trees, and enjoyed the sounds of a Saratoga night around them. She leaned in to kiss him gently on his soft lips. Not only was this their first kiss, but this was also the first time she had initiated a kiss with any guy. Then again Callum wasn't just any guy, he could even be the guy.
Yellow open toe 3 & 1/2 inch Wedges
Her life hasn't always been so great and for a very long time she sat in a dark room feeling sorry for herself. She would post sob stories on Facebook and Myspace as an obvious cry for attention waiting for some knight on a white horse to come in and save her. For all the bitching, whining, crying, and finger pointing things only seemed to get worse until the day she decided to change the conversation.
The world may not give her all she wants, but it has definitely given her all she needs and then some. There may be no romance yet there is an abundant amount of love. And for all the things that may be lacking she is equipped with the skills to go out and get them herself. She just needs to remain patient with the process and keep her faith strong along the way especially when it is being tested.
No one put her in that dark room, she did that all by herself. Today she puts on a cute dress with some yellow open-toed three inch wedges and steps out into the world, into the light to enjoy all that she has been missing. Why did she ever stand in the way of her own happiness? Well one thing is for certain, she won't be making that mistake again.
Army Print Ballerina Shoes
Although I am a lover, not a fighter I do believe in fighting those important battles for what you believe in.
Even though it did not work out in my favor, I filed a case with the EEOC in September 2008. My employer knew I was struggling with a disability that affected me in ways of attendance. When I was at work my performance was one of the best in the department: this was reflected on reports and told to me personally by several members of the management team.
Under the law a person with a disability is allowed reasonable accommodation by their employer as long as that accommodation doesn't cause undue hardship to the employer. I requested unpaid make-up time. My request was denied because "it's company policy", yet a few of my fellow coworkers without disabilities were being allowed make-up time and schedule adjustments. One co-worker claimed she just wasn't a morning person, so management adjusted her schedule to allow her to come into work 30-45 minutes later each day.
My attendance issues put me on corrective action and held me back from a promotion the rest of my training class had received upon our one year anniversary with the company. Some of the reps that received the promotion had skills far below mine, evidence was that I was taking on their workload in addition to mine. I left the company on my own accord and filed my case with the EEOC.
I gathered a packet showing my performance exceeded all standards except in the area of attendance. I gave names of fellow reps who had been given the very same accommodation I was denied. Then I waited more than two years for a response. When I received my denial letter it stated that management was not in the wrong because they can do what they want on a case by case basis. Basically they are fully within their rights to discriminate. Obviously I was hurt, frustrated, and confused by this all. I was given the option to get an attorney and pursue matters further on my own, but instead I decided to move forward and put all this behind me. This blog post is the first time I mentioned it all in over a year.
I know I was right, even if the very people that could have helped me didn't see it that way. The EEOC is set up to protect people like me and they failed to do so. Despite everything I do not regret standing up for myself and I would do it all over again if I had to. Sometimes fighting a war isn't about winning, but about being brave enough to even show up.
Monkey Slippers
I can't begin to tell you how much it irritates me when someone tells me I am too old for something. It's very similar to that feeling I had as a kid when I was constantly told I was not old enough. Does the whole age thing work like the Goldilocks thing where there is one point that is just right?
Often when I dine out I'll ask for the children's menu because I like to color. There's a collection of Bratz Dolls and stuffed animals displayed in my second bedroom. On a warm Spring/Summer day you can find me playing with bubbles. There are nightlights throughout my home because I am still afraid of the dark. If all of this makes me some overgrown kid, then so be it.
Life as an adult is full of stresses: work, dating, chores, bills, health issues. Why not bring back some of the fun and easy times of our childhood if we can? Enter the monkey slippers.
Black Leather Open-Toed Flats
These feet are tired from walking so long without any real destination. They may look pretty to you, but the truth is they are hurting. They have been trampled on, stepped on, and stomped on without any just cause or reason. They seek comfort, something warm and soft to snuggle into. They no longer wish to carry such burdens. They want to heal. Please show them the path to the place they can call home.
Airwalk Flats
A Girl from 1998
These shoes remind me of my senior year of high school. I was best friends with a freshman named Jessica, not unusual since most of my friends were under class man. For some unknown reason the classes of 2001 and 2002 seemed to have a much higher nice person to deuce bag ratio than the classes of 1999 and 2000.
Anyways one of our favorite past times was hanging out at the Nanuet Mall (before the Palisades Mall sent it to it's grave), specifically Spencer's where my brother's good friend Seth worked as the manager. We would load up on funny key chains and magnets, mostly shoplifted, which I feel bad about now as an adult. My only defense is that I was a teenager and most teenagers are inherently selfish, stupid, and impulsive. Every other week Seth would pierce another pair of holes in my ears, at one point I was up to ten piercings in each ear!
Me and my underclassman homies would cruise around in my red '89 Honda Civic hatchback, a hand-me-down car from my brother who got it handed down to him from my dad and my dad bought it brand new off the lot back in the day. We would blast Limp Bizkit or Brittney Spears. I would run over curbs. My glove box was renamed "the love box" because it was filled was silly sexual products/toys that I would never end up using.
I remember turning 18 and being excited that I could legally buy cigarettes. Now I didn't smoke, but plenty of my younger friends did, so I bought it for them. Once again I'm going to use the teenager excuse. Only a few years later would I take a strong stance against cigarette smoking and try to adamantly convince anyone I knew to quit.
And life was simpler back then.
I thought I knew who I was and where I was going in life. Funny thing that fourteen years later I'm still figuring all that out.
Brown Leather Boots with Three Inch Chunky Heels
No Nonsense Kind of Girl
They had been dating for two years, living together for one and half, and he had been cheating on her for the entire time. Her vacation to the land of ignorant bliss had long since expired. Maybe she was originally the other woman, who knows, but she wasn't going to put up with his bullshit anymore even if it was the best sex of her life.
She wore angry all over her body much like slutty girls from Long Island wore fake tans. At the mall she marched right into DSW towards the boots section deliberately ignoring the sale people offering to help. She didn't want their help, she was going to help herself.
There they were, brown leather boots with three inch chunky heels. The price didn't matter, this was what she needed and there was nothing that would stop her from getting them. Credit card swiped. Old sneakers in the trash. Wore those boots right out of the store. These boots would define the kicking ass and taking initials because she doesn't have time to take names kind of persona she wanted to have.
He came home with his shirt misbuttoned wreaking of perfume. What a disgusting cliche. It was the boots that left a bruise on his sorry ass when she literally kicked him out the door. A man she wanted, a little boy she didn't need. And his sweet cock just wasn't worth all the drama that came along with it. Message delivered, he wasn't ever coming back. Let him make a fool out of someone else.
Sometimes she'll sit in front of TV at night wearing nothing but a smile and those boots.
Four inch black wedge loafers
I had so much fun with my February blog challenge, that I decided to repeat it for March with a silly theme: Shoes!!!! I will wear a different pair of shoes every single day this month and write something creative related to the shoes.
Control Freak
She wore long pants on her short legs with those black four inch loafers every day. Consistency was the word she designed her entire life around. Her alarm clock set the same time no matter work day or not, her routine never strayed. Life as bland as the plain oatmeal she ate for breakfast.
You would never catch her without her day planner, not some fancy blackberry or IPhone, this girl preferred to keep things traditional. The third Tuesday of every month was book club, she knew this yet she still always wrote it down. Life was full of chaos and unpredictability, she chose to remain in as controlled an environment as she could.
Cool. Calm. Collected. Emotions were for the lesser people who refused to control their irrational weaknesses. Her clothes were simple, professional, and conservative as was her personality. She believed to be too much of one thing made you little of anything. No room for drama or the people that cause it in her world. Truth be told she didn't deal much with people at all unless she had to.
Every Saturday she cleaned her home. Dust. Polish. Vacuum. Scrub. Every Sunday she chose to get lost in a good book. Crossword puzzles at lunch during the week. Power walking followed by meditation each night when she came home. All her clothes including her socks were organized by color, season, type. No brash colors. Underwear all white cotton obviously. No piercings, tattoos, or jewelry as she was not one to draw attention to herself.
These shoes may be worn, but they haven't traveled far in life and neither has she.
About Me
- ElbieNy25
- "Scars are proof that we were brave enough to fight the battle and strong enough to survive it"-me 2008 Unfortunately/fortunately I have many scars from life, but I'm still here. I've been writing for over twenty years and just recently finished my first manuscript entitled "The Journey". I love peopl; they fascinate me with their stories, quirks, and mysterious ways.