The Girl Behind All The Quirks

The start of sixth grade meant many things: the intergration of three elemenatary schools into one stomping ground, hopefully the onset of puberty, switching classes for different subjects, and riding the bus.

After hours of laboring what to wear for the first day of school, this was the biggest decision I had to make at this point in my life, I settled on a denim skirt and tye-dyed t-shirt. My fashion sense was one of the many reasons I would never reach the inner circle of the popular kids. IThe night before I lay in bed with far too much adrenaline running through my veins to get any decent amount of sleep. Anyone who had met me for five minutes knew how boy crazy I was and now I got a shot at boys from Liberty and Upper Nyack as I was already over the boys from VC.

I digress, this isn't about fashion fau-paus or chasing boys, this story is about a person that left an imprint on my heart.

On a brisk September morning I climbed the school bus steps. This was so foreign to me aside from the occasional field trip I had taken in Elementary School. Frantically I plumped my tiny ass down in the first seat I saw of course at the very front the bus. I didn't want to hunt for something towards the back where the older kids sat. They key to surviving 6th grade, know your role. Mine was at the bottom of the totum pole.

As the bus started moving I eyed the girl I was sitting next to. Smooth caramel skin, extra long legs, and wild kinky hair. She was staring out the window. This was the only time in the course of our friendship she would be so quiet.

Who spoke to who first? When did we transform from strangers to aquainatnces to eventaully friends? I honestly don't remember those details. What I remember most was the meat of our friendship sandwhich. Yes, I realize that metaphor solidified my dork status and I'm okay with that.


The way the memories play back in my mind is a highlite real of the best and worst times. The black and white still shots I took of her while we walked the Nyack College campus on a drizzly summer day. The way she stood up for me when a fellow classmate threatened to beat the crap out of me because the boy she was crushing on liked me instead. How I held her in my arms that dark day she had a terrible aweful ugly fight with her mom. Her cats Nina and Blackie. The secret alcove she created behind her closet. The connection we shared for both being self mutilators to ease the emotional day to day pain. Countless sleepovers where we'd stayed up all night talking about complete bullshit, laughing, crying, and wishing for a better life or at least one different from the ones we had. The fights that two emotional roller coaster riders are bound to have as well as the make-ups.

Abby became my muse for countless poems and short stories. To this day I have never met someone so animated, raw, real, and honest. Abby was completely unafraid of who she was despite the fact that so many others were. There was a period of time in high school that she ran away from home and was gone for weeks. This is pre-everyone and their chimp has a cell phone era. I had no idea where she was or if she was okay. For years we had continued to share that same seat on the bus, but her spot remained vacant while she was MIA. Eventually she returned unscathed with very few details about what had happened. This disapearing and reappearing act continued for the remainder of our high school years.

People labled Abby weird, but that's because they never took the time to get to know the girl behind all the quirks. What amazed me most about her is how pure her heart stayed despite all the shit she was put through by family, so-called friends, and life.

The famous "they" say you hurt the ones you love the most. My understanding of that was two fold: you hurt the ones you love because you know they will be the most forgiving and compassionate of your ways. And the ones you love hurt you the most because you open up your heart to allow yourself to be vulnerable to them. I also believe there are different types of love that vary from romantic to familiar to friendship, but the love that existed between Abby and I was beyond definition.

There came a point where the love was too intense and I was too young to know how to deal with it so I ran away from it. I went off to college leaving the friendship behind with the rest of my childhood. My parents told me occassionally Abby would stop by dropping off little gifts. I told them to throw the gift away because I needed a clean break. Four years later when I realized just what I had walked away from she was gone. She had picked up and started a life elsewhere, location unknown.

People enter your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Even though Abby is no longer physically in my life her presence will remain a part of who I am forever.