Up the Butt Couples

It's not as kinky as it sounds. We all have met at least one of these couples that can't live, breath, think without the other one by their side doing it with them. One of them will refuse a social invitation if the other one wasn't invited or just as well assume the other one WAS invited and bring them along without asking. Let's rule out reasons of practicality such as they only have one car between them. These couples have made the active choice to be adult Siamese twins. Hence the name up the butt couples.


Pam and Josh. I worked with Pam when I was a copy-editor at a data publishing company. Pam was in the sales department. Coincidentally I had met Josh when I had previously worked for a bank, he was a frequent customer. When I found out they were dating AND they lived down the block from me, I couldn't have been more thrilled. Here's a couple that me and my boyfriend can hang with. They were intelligent, funny, and easy going....that is until I realized they were an up the butt couple.


One day I invited Pam to have lunch with me. She agreed to drive. As soon as we leave the parking lot at work I notice she's going in the opposite direction of the restaurant, a restaurant that is almost across the street from work. I ask her if everything is okay. She replies that she's going to get Josh. Hmmm I didn't invite Josh, I invited Pam to lunch. Never mind that Josh's job is a fifteen minute drive out of the way. When we show up he's not ready, so we wait another 5 minutes. Then it's another fifteen minute drive back to the restaurant. Now we have twenty-five minutes to order, eat, and get back to work on time. This is not a fast food joint, but a nice sit down place where we would have had plenty of time had we been allotted the full hour. I have to admit I had lost my appetite watching them on the other side of the booth "I love you" "No, I love you more" "No, I love you more" throughout the entire meal. As we finish I ask if she can drop me off back at work so I'm not late, I would have walked myself back but it's a four lane highway. She insists on driving Josh back first because he only has a thirty minute lunch which has already run over. Of course it makes sense that all THREE of us should be late.


It was my parents' retirement communities semi-annual parking lot sale. I usually sleep at their place the night before because parking is a bitch the day of. But this year I decided to invite Pam. I explain we have to get there super early and that my parents will be waiting for us. I arrive at her house exactly on time. She explains Josh just got out of the shower and isn't ready yet. Once again, I don't recall the invitation extending to Josh or Pam asking me if Josh could join us. She suggests I wait in my car and they'll be out in about five minutes. I call my parents to tell them we're running a few minutes late. After fifteen minutes of waiting in my car I honk my horn. Josh decides this is rude and he's not going. Pam spends the next ten minutes begging him to still come with us and that she won't go if he won't go. Finally they decide they'll just meet me there.

You may very well think these are the bitter musings of a single gal whose desperately jealous she hasn't found her other half. That's just not the case. Well I think couples should compliment one another, I do believe especially after some of the relationship BS I've been through, that a person should be complete all on their own. Why is it that some people lose their entire identity once they become part of a couple? Did Pam forget who she was for the thirty plus years before she met Josh? And at what point is a line drawn? Will she decline invitations to all female events where Josh clearly can't partake in such as baby showers, bridal showers, a girl's night out? Does she consult him on the clothes she wears, the career choices she pursues, the friends she makes? If he were to go away and she couldn't go with him I imagine she would stay home all depressed and clueless about what to do with herself.

Honestly it's not like we can do anything though. If you've ever known one of these couples then you know to intervene will just unite them even further while alienating yourself from the one you're actually friends with. The best defense is to not become one of these yourself. If you notice you start dressing like your partner, then time to do some serious thinking about who and what you are.