Natural Disasters

Hurricane. Tsunami. Droughts. Floods. Famines. We can all name our share of natural disasters. Most of us can name some of the recent past. Some of us were personally affected by them. My personal natural disaster was the end of my marriage.

He was my friend first; someone I could talk to about anything, someone I could depend on, someone who accepted me for who I really was and not what they wanted me to be. We made each other laugh. He was intelligent, compassionate, close to his family (a pretty wonderful family too), and only had eyes for me. It seemed like he was almost everything I could want in a partner. He was my lover AND my best friend.

We were both such passionate people. There was no such thing as a small disagreement, we had full blown screaming arguments. I'll admit I fought dirty, often hitting below the belt with ugly insults. He did it too, sometimes, but not nearly as often as I did. He didn't deserve my hurtful words. For this I have apologized, post-divorce, many times.

The passion was amazing when it came to physical acts. We snuggled constantly, kissed, and had a very active sex life.

Shortly after we got married he lost interest. He still won't tell me why, claims he doesn't know. He may really not know. But he no longer wanted to spend time with me; he preferred work, poker with friends, football/TV shows. Basically anything was better than being around me. The laughter had seriously diminished. I was no longer his favorite person and if I'm being completely honest with myself I may have never been.

I've posted previously about his faults in the collapse of our marriage, now it's time to take serious inflection and examine how I contributed to the downward spiral. I mentioned that he accepted me for me, but I never fully accepted him for him. There were things about him, it's not even fair to call them flaws, but just things about him that I was less than crazy about. The things themselves don't really matter, I should have realized they are an inherent part of who he is and to change them would have been to change him.

I think I broke his spirit. I am a person with various health issues that become a bit of a burden on the people who choose to be in my life. Being my husband, he experienced the brunt of them. It's true he knew what he was getting into when he married me, but I think after a while it was too much to shoulder. He is one of the most compassionate, kind-hearted, and loving people I have ever met in my life. Simply put everyone has a limit and I believe unintentionally I pushed him past his. I resented him for a long time both during and after the marriage for no longer loving me. Now I'm beginning to understand just how it all happened.

Sometimes love and good intentions just aren't enough. We were two people who cared greatly for one another despite what was glaringly obvious to others....we just weren't right for each other. We came from some different backgrounds, had some conflicting values and beliefs, and for me I wanted things from him that he was just not able to give or be.

It hurts each and every day. A dream died. A beautiful home being foreclosed on. My never being able to see my nephews, HIS nephews, ever again. Losing a sense of who I was because he was a part of who I was. Scared if I'll ever find IT. Most of all I'm grateful for all the things he allowed me to learn about myself and what I really want. I hope he find what he's looking for too.