Fresh Wounds

This morning I got a private message on Facebook from his mom. She told me he had moved to Utah and hoped I was well. It opened the barely healed wound right back up. I can't be mad at her though, you see she's socially retarded and honestly doesn't get that I can't have anything to do with her son anymore. Even the mention of his name has an effect on me. Time will make things easier but right now its only been a few weeks.

The proper reaction would have been to delete her message without responding. Instead I text his friend Kevin with a parade of questions: Why did he go to Utah? How did he get out there? Was he still the best man at his friend's wedding a couple weeks ago?


My friend Ilana tells me I need to stop communicating with my ex's friends and mom. She's right. It's not healthy for me. Why should I care about him anymore when he has shown no interest in me or my well being? He's the one who broke my heart. He's the one who name called, belittled, and berated me not only when we broke up but at various points throughout our relationship as well.

And I had moved on, or so I thought I had. Immediately upon ending the relationship I blocked him on Facebook and through my cell phone carrier. I wanted a clean break. You see I'm the queen of painfully dragging shit out. It took me three years to realize my marriage was toxic before I finally grew a pair and took action. Roller coaster break up then make up then break up again girl. An ugly pattern I finally had to put a stop to.

Here's the problem....my huge heart. I have never in my life been able to just let go of or turn off my feelings. When I let someone into my heart it's nearly impossible to evict them completely. I care way too much about people who couldn't give two shits about me. My ex isn't sitting around crying over me. He isn't torturing himself over what went wrong. He closed that door, like they all do, and moved on to another situation more to his liking probably with another girl.

I don't trust men romantically. I'm not some evil man hater by any means. Fortunately I have three close male friends, a father, and a brother who have shown me time and time again that there are wonderful men out there. Not only have they been amazing towards me, but equally amazing to their leading ladies as well. I have just had the worst luck in my own love life and I take complete responsibility. No one forces me to date these men, that choice rests completely on my shoulders. I dive in head first before I get to know who they really are. Not so surprisingly it blows up in my face every time when they turn out to be a complete fabrication of who I actually thought they were. I ignore blaring red flags, I settle for less than what I want or deserve, I make bad choices....the same bad choices over and over and over again.

This is why I need to be on my own. This is why I need time to build myself up. This is why I need time to heal. This is why I have decided to bow out of the dating world until I'm good and ready, until I can trust my own instincts and judgments.