Diluted Theories by Brandon

"Women won't date men under 6' tall. It all goes back to the caveman days and the hunter mentality. Women size up men to see who will be the best mate, those with larger stature get the first pick. These men are viewed as good hunters and providers for the women. Being that I'm only 5'5, I have to compensate somehow. So after I've been dating a girl for about a month I buy her a real expensive gift, something from Tiffani's usually, to show what a good provider I can be for her."

I just sat on the other end of the phone trying not to laugh. Brandon was 100% convinced that he had horrible luck with women because of his height. I would tend to disagree because I believe his trouble was rooted in his personality. Brandon was one of the most pessimistic, self deprecating, and whiney men I had ever met. He was also constantly seeking validation from complete strangers.

"I joined one of those dating websites, a free one because I'm not paying for that shit, and I've had terrible luck. I find matches that are both attractive and seem to have something in common with me. Then I carefully write out a thoughtful email to them making sure to include references to their profile so they know I read it and I'm not approaching them solely based on their pictures. The women don't respond to me! They should out of common courtesy email me back if they aren't interested, I deserve that much. They probably took one look at my profile, saw that I was 5'5 and decided they didn't want to date me. Do you know what I do to their lack of response? I send them a nasty email back 'Why are you on a dating website if you're not interested in meeting men to date? Do you know how rude you are not responding to my thoughtful email? Thanks for proving again just how shallow women are.'"


Brandon and I go way back. His younger brother was a classmate of mine since second grade. I know Brandon's whole family actually. But after high school we completely lost touch. Then the wonders of Facebook reconnected us a few years back. We chatted on there every day. He was a solid friend when I found myself unexpectedly unemployed.

The more we chatted, the more I learned what a negative person he is. He complained about everything: his job, his apartment, his lack of a social life, and his horrible luck with women. Because we were strictly platonic, he felt comfortable opening up to me about things he probably wouldn't say to a woman he had any sort of romantic interest in. He told me flat out on several occasions how bad he was in bed. Brandon said the evidence was in the fact that every girl he had ever been with either cheated on him, left him for another man, or both. Most guys I know tend to exaggerate about how amazing they are, so I felt like Brandon was doing the same thing about how awful he was.

The weekend that never should have happened...happened. I went down on a mini road trip to the city to visit Brandon. We were both nervous at first because we knew the point of my little visit was to have some "R" rated fun amongst two consenting adults. I don't know why I'm a magnet to bad kissers. Are my standards too high? Is it too much to want some slow, sensual, passionate kissing? Am I wrong to be put off by men who eat my face? I had rug burn from his beard on my face for days afterwards because the kissing was so rough. Several people pointed to the unsightly rash on my face. Let's just call this a foul ball.

As we started fooling around on his bed I noticed his pug was on the bed with us working steadily on a chew toy. I politely asked Brandon if he could put the dog in another room while we were having sex. He looked at me wide eyed and said, "Why? What's the big deal?" I'm not going to make any judgments here, okay I am, but I would safely say 9/10 women aren't into bestiality....This was strike #1

Strike #2 was the complete lack of foreplay on his behalf. My lips landed all over his body while he just laid there and enjoyed the show. My tits and pussy remained completely ignored until he thrust himself inside me. This hurt by the way since I wasn't the least bit wet. My tits still remained completely ignored. Just to give you a visual, I have juicy DD tits, so what a waste!

The final strike was that over the course of the weekend we had sex four times and I didn't orgasm even once. This has NEVER happened to me before. Sure I might have one off moment, but never that many in a row with the same guy. He had no idea where the g-spot or the clit were located; at least I assume by his complete lack to stimulate them. There were a couple points during sex where he just stopped in the middle and stared at me with this blank look on his face. After a couple of the most akward minutes of my life I asked him, "Are you done?"

He smiled and said, "No, why?"

Here is where I have to take responsibility. I knew what I was getting into. Brandon had forewarned me on countless occasions of how clueless he was sexually. What confuses me the most is how two people can be in the same room at the same time and be sharing an experience together, but have completely different outlooks? Surely the sex was bad for him too right? Apparently not. For weeks afterwards Brandon was texting me about what an amazing time he had and wanted to know when I could come visit again. I tried to do the polite thing and just come up with one excuse after another; that was until the fateful day when the worst thing happened.

He asked me point blank, "Was I bad in bed? I need you to be 100% brutally honest with me, I can take it. This will in no way affect our friendship."

I found myself at a crossroads where neither direction seemed particularly appealing. I could lie to him, placate him but what purpose would that serve? He's going to continue to do the same things to other women and eventually one will tell him the truth probably not nearly as nice as I would. Or I can take the high road and be honest. Maybe the honesty can help him become better. I think back to people telling me things I could improve upon myself, believe me the list is long, and although it hurt at the time I ended up being better for it in the end.

Deep breath. Be a real friend to this guy. I tell Brandon the truth. He asks for specifics. I give them to him: the sloppy kissing, the dog, the complete lack of foreplay, the awkward pauses, the lack of orgasms.

At first he seems to be really taking it in. he even thanks me. I feel as if I made the right choice. Then he doesn't talk to me for a few days. When he approaches me again he flips out on me.

"If you had any sense of decency at all then you would have lied. Obviously you were saying those things to bring me down so you could feel better about yourself. I have NEVER had any woman ever tell me I'm bad in bed. It's a fact that not all women have orgasms. And I got to thinking, there were two of us there so if the sex was bad then maybe it was you."


After years of experiencing his turbulent mood swings I've had enough. He asked me to be brutally honest and I gave him what he wanted. I suppose he expected me to exhault his sexual prowess, but I don't believe that would have been right. Much like after I gained thirty pounds of lard, a friend telling me I look fabulous. Um, not helpful. Tell me I'm a fat ass so I can drop the twinkies and do something about it!

This was my retort to Brandon's attack. "Women must have previously told you that you were bad in bed because YOU have been telling me for years that you were bad in bed. So don't acted all shocked that I agreed with your previous assesment. I KNOW it wasn't me because you told me repeatidly how amazing I was and were begging me for weeks to come down for a repeat adventure. And while not all women have orgasms all the time, I know me and I have orgasms. So Brandon, it wasn't me it was you. You asked for the truth and then were too much of a child to accept it. You can either use this information to improve yourself for future sexual experiences or fall into another bout of self depracation. The choice is yours."

Brandon and I are no longer friends. I don't regret what I did beacuse it opened my eyes to the kind of person he really is. Maybe he'll grow from all this, but I highly doubt it.