Battle Wounds

A couple of month's back Beth was at an amusement park with some friends. It was probably in the 90's, so naturally she was wearing a tank top and some shorts. One of her friends without thinking took one look at this nasty scar on Beth's arm and shouted "Wow, what happened?!"

Beth went into shock and immediatly closed down mumbling, "I don't want to talk about it."

Most of the time She's very aware of her scars, especially that one, but there are brief moments in time where she actually manages to forget about them. Those moments are few and far between; they end with her falling flat on her face back into reality. The scars are in various parts of her body, mostly on my left side because she's right-handed. The first time Beth told her therapist she was a self-mutilator her therapist admonished her for making this her identity. Now Beth refers to herself as someone who mutilates, or rather used to.

Her first memory of doing it was when she was about eight years old. The scene of the crime was the bathroom of the babysitter's house. Beth was so overcome with emotions, bubbling over, head hurting, the tears flowing. Her tiny right hand scraped the skin off the back of her tiny left hand. Beth was too young to fully understand what she was doing or why I was doing it. But then the release afterwards. This was the beginning of an ugly addiction that would last more than two decades.

The most common misconception about people who mutilate is that they're suicidal. This is just not true. For Beth is was about matching the pain she felt on the inside with pain on the outside. You can't put some disinfectant and a band-aid on hurt feelings, but you can on a cut on your arm/leg/wherever. The world is full of people with addictions: cigarettes, alcohol, punching holes in the wall when they get mad, gambling, shopping, sex. While no addiction is healthy, all of the forementioned ones are much more socially acceptable then mutilating.

When Beth is consumed with so much emotion she can hardly breath, yes she does hypervetilate, this is her quick and easy fix. When Beth can't find the words or courage to reach out to those around her for help, this is how she expresses herself. When Beth feels so numb and she needs to feel alive again, this is what bring her back to the rest of the world.

She's been in and out of therapy since she was nine. Four inpatient hospitalizations. Countless people have walked out on her because they couldn't take her particular brand of crazy. And this is something she'll struggle with for the rest of her life. Although she's now learned much healthier coping mechanisms, this will always be her first urge. And unfortunately living full time in a padded room just isn't an option.

The best thing you can do for someone struggling with an addiction is to be their friend. Don't judge them, berate them, or feed into it. Unless you're a qualified medical professional, don't try to treat it either. Sometimes kind words and compassion are the best medicine for a fresh wound.

Every morning when Beth showers she gentle cleans each old wound. They remind her of what she's survived, how far she's come, and that dark place she refuses to go back to no matter what.