Turn-Ons and Turn-Offs

If I had the female equivalent of a cock, it would have shriveled up and retreated back inside me at the sound of his voice. How much can one person talk about how amazing they are? Well he was certainly testing those limits with comments such as "I am so much smarter than my professor that my classmates come to me for help. I should be teaching the class" and "The local news does a story on me every single year because I turn diesel powered cars into electric ones. You've never seen one of the stories? They're HUGE!" or his constant professions of how amazing he is sexually, which in my experience a man can never match up to his words in that department.

Let's explore this for a minute.

Andy and I met through a local volunteer organization. He was a long standing and active member, I had just joined. At the time I was dating someone else and didn't really notice Andy as anything other than a fellow volunteer. Later on he regaled me with stories that he found me so attractive he had to go home and jerk off. What every die hard romantic loves to hear!

A couple months later I was single and on the prowl. Andy and I began shameless flirting via text that led to him meeting me at my place after work one day. He was so eager he began roughly kissing me aka forcefully jamming his tongue down my throat while leaving a layer of drool on my face. His next Casanova move was thrusting me onto my bed so hard my feet flipped over my head and I crashed onto my hardwood floors. When I managed to climb back up on the bed he went down on me.


The oral sex was amazing! Have you ever had oral sex so good you are moved to tears? It more than made up for his sloppy jump start. He wasn't the one trick lick kind of guy either, see when it comes to oral sex...variety is the key. So many men see it as a means to an end, a chore to just get out of the way so they can go back to the football game much like taking out the trash. But with Andy, I could tell this was something he really loved doing and I would be happy to write him a letter of recommendation any day.

Here's where things went sour. My beautifully large and often neglected breasts were battered like a chick in some Lifetime movie. I kept giving him subtle clues that I didn't particularly like what he was doing "OW!" "That hurts!" "Please stop!" but they were all ignored. He was like a child that just unwrapped his new toy and insisted on playing with it before reading the manual. Why do men NEVER read the manual or ask for directions? My poor breasts had bruises for days that triggered pain by my shirt rubbing up against them.

I know, I know. You're just like a man and you're demanding I get to the actual sex now. Enough with the foreplay already! This was the best sex of my life. He was smooth and rough in all the right places. He even did some dirty talk which was a huge turn on for me. But he talked a little too much....

While he's inside of me he starts telling me about his day, his pets, his family, his cars, his friends. Contrary to popular belief that women are natural multi-taskers, I am definitely not. So I wanted to know, why is he delivering a three act one man play while fucking me? His voice is nasally and whiny dripped in a puddle of arrogance. Then when I'm really enjoying a particular position and don't want to switch he has the nerve to call me "boring!" What woman wants to hear how boring she is while she's thrusting the life out of a man?!

Needless to say that this love affair only lasted a mere week. As much as I strongly feel there is a high importance to physical chemistry between partners, there are believe it or not, things that out way mind blowing sex. Here's my little list, in no particular order, in case any of you are curious:

1. A man who must smoke pot during the 5 mile drive from my house to Walmart where we go to pick up his asthma medication. It sounds like a contradiction, but yes he was a pot head asthmatic. ::sigh::

2. A man who openly declares all religions to be complete bullshit, insult my specific religion, and insist I'm an idiot for following one

3. While minimalism is great in theory, call me crazy but I'd like a man who has furniture in his apartment. It doesn't have to be nice furniture, but a place to plant my ass while watching a movie or even a mattress on the floor if I should sleep over will do. The one night we spent at his place I had to sleep on the living room floor underneath a blanket one of his pets had used for a chew toy. Class act all the way!

4. I get how great it is that men have the ability to pee anywhere at anytime and this must certainly come in handy on long road trips or camp outs. However, when a man pees in his backyard just cause he can while his bathroom in his house are less than 10 feet away....enough said about that one

5. Last but definitely not by any means least. While fucking someone, a man should never under any circumstances talk about any of the following: How sexually promiscuous he is, how he's fucked three of your co-workers, how he'll continue fucking multiple other women until you've given him some kind of commitment.

Andy wondered why when he asked me three times during the course of the week to be his steady girl friend I said "no". He also wondered why I ended things after only a week. And then he publicly declared on Facebook that he had no clue why he was still single...

There are some mysteries even Matlock can't solve I suppose.