****This is from Maggie's perspective****
There is a nice man at my church, Walter Jones, who fills in for the organist sometimes. Our interactions have never been more than the usual pleasantries about the weather or the sermon. I am certain that you can imagine my surprise when he asked me out to brunch. It's been more than forty years since I have been involved in any type of romantic scenario with a man. Forty years!
Walter was my age, more or less, with thinning white hair, black rimmed eye glasses, and always wore a nice grey suit to service. He often played show tunes for the stragglers to sing along to after service. And Brunch is that even an actual meal? All of this seemed pretty harmless, yet I was a nervous wreck.
You see with my late husband there was a familiar comfort about it all. He was a boy from the neighborhood I had known my entire life. Where I grew up you knew everyone, their family, their pets, their hobbies. We were all one giant extended family in a way. And sometimes childhood friends developed into romance, it was a completely natural progression. None of this man you barely know asking you out for some special one on one time. I told Walter I would think about it. He gave me his number for when I decided.
The following night while preparing dinner I asked Louwin, "Do you have any plans this Saturday?"
She shrugged, "Maybe laundry. Nothing set in stone though, why?"
"I was hoping you could accompany me on an outing."
Mike walked into the kitchen, "Smells good. Are you guys still doing those driving lessons?"
I nodded, "Yes, but this is not for that. I wanted to ask Louwin if she would join me and Walter for brunch."
She smirked, "Um, isn't it going to be awkward if I tag along on your date?"
"It's not a date. It's just a man and a woman going out to eat."
Mike chimed in, "That sounds like a date to me."
Suddenly an idea hit me, "Well then you should come too Mike. You, Louwin, me, and Walter. That should be fun."
Mike shook his head, "I don't know about that. I think I'm re-shingling the roof anyways."
I gave him a stern look in the face, "Mike have I ever asked anything of you ever?"
"No"
"And do I not cook you delicious dinners and make you nice lunches nearly every day?"
"Yes."
"So does it seem fair to refuse me this one small thing?"
"Well...when you put it like that."
I turned on my heal back towards the stove, "Great, both of you should be ready Saturday by 9:30 AM. I'll call Walter to let him know."
Brunch was interesting to say the least and not just because it was my first date in several decades. There is something with Mike and Louwin, I'm just not quite sure what it is yet. You don't bicker that much with someone unless there's something deeper going on. Walter noticed it too and even commented on what a lovely couple they made.
Mike snorted, "We're not dating, I don't even like her as a person."
Louwin looked hurt and excused herself from the table to go outside. To my surprise I didn't even have to prompt Mike to go outside and talk to her. For the first time I saw actual regret on his face from one of his snide remarks. Like I said there is something going on there. For a moment I tried to lip read what they were saying to one another through the window, but Walter captured my attention.
He was lovely, charming, and intelligent. I found out that he had lost his wife a few years back to Cancer, but he had four children and thirteen grandchildren that he lived for. He joked that he never knew the piano lessons he was forced to take as a child would turn into something he enjoyed so much later in life. I told him about how my enjoyment came from making a house a home with delicious food and upkeep. I explained my family was the one I created rather than the one I was born into. The conversation flowed with such ease that we didn't even notice how long Mike and Louwin were gone for, it was only when I glanced up through the window again that I saw they weren't there at all.
Walter drove me home since my ride had unexpectedly abandoned me. I had a feeling it was for a real good reason that I didn't need to be upset with them over. Life has a funny way of working itself out. Instead of focusing all my energies into others, I want to see where things go with my new friend.
Visiters
Dodging A Bullet
As much as Melissa continually tried to convince herself that Gavin was an honest and decent person, the evidence just points to the contrary. She wanted more than anything to try to salvage the friendship, but he had completely distanced himself from her like an immature child running away.
Her good friends Racine and Donald had a very brutally honest chat with Melissa about why her life was so much better off without Gavin in it.
Here were the cold hard facts:
At 33 years old he had no direction in his life unless going to the video game store counts
He has an inability to do even the most basic tasks most of us learn as children: laundry, preparing meals for ourselves, cleaning up after ourselves. And as an adult he has no handle on his finances either.
He's dishonest to the women he deals with especially in regards to other women he's dealing with. He specifically told Melissa he wanted to work on developing a "relationship" between the two of them while just days before he had reconnected with an ex about possibly getting back together and working on their relationship. They also slept together which he completely forgot about and claimed it was all "unintentional". Disgusting two timing pig!
His inconsiderate nature expecting people to wait around for him to call/text when he deems it convenient to him to make plans. And 95% he'll choose playing video games instead of socializing with the outside world.
He'll apologize over and over and over again for the same things. It's gets to the point where it just seems monotonous and insincere. And his apologies are empty because they are never filled up with an actual action or change to make things better.
His extreme social dysfunction. afraid of movies, afraid of meeting new people, afraid of any group of people larger than two. Unwilling to try new things, branch out, make new friends.
He admits he needs help, but is afraid of therapy so sadly the cycle will continue with other people until who knows when. The person Melissa feels the worst for is that other girl who has been dealing with him on and off for years. Melissa knows how hurt and frustrated she got after a month, so she can barely imagine what this other girl is dealing with.
And after all is said and done Melissa and her huge stupid heart wanted to be there for him, figure things out so they could still have some kind of friendship. He blew her off once more. Racine said, "You dodged a bullet with that one."
In the past Melissa would have held on to this dysfunctional "relationship" for months, but now she's in a place where she knows that she deserves so much more than Gavin could ever be capable of giving her. Why would she want to be friends with someone so immature, selfish, and disrespectful? The answer is she doesn't.
Her good friends Racine and Donald had a very brutally honest chat with Melissa about why her life was so much better off without Gavin in it.
Here were the cold hard facts:
At 33 years old he had no direction in his life unless going to the video game store counts
He has an inability to do even the most basic tasks most of us learn as children: laundry, preparing meals for ourselves, cleaning up after ourselves. And as an adult he has no handle on his finances either.
He's dishonest to the women he deals with especially in regards to other women he's dealing with. He specifically told Melissa he wanted to work on developing a "relationship" between the two of them while just days before he had reconnected with an ex about possibly getting back together and working on their relationship. They also slept together which he completely forgot about and claimed it was all "unintentional". Disgusting two timing pig!
His inconsiderate nature expecting people to wait around for him to call/text when he deems it convenient to him to make plans. And 95% he'll choose playing video games instead of socializing with the outside world.
He'll apologize over and over and over again for the same things. It's gets to the point where it just seems monotonous and insincere. And his apologies are empty because they are never filled up with an actual action or change to make things better.
His extreme social dysfunction. afraid of movies, afraid of meeting new people, afraid of any group of people larger than two. Unwilling to try new things, branch out, make new friends.
He admits he needs help, but is afraid of therapy so sadly the cycle will continue with other people until who knows when. The person Melissa feels the worst for is that other girl who has been dealing with him on and off for years. Melissa knows how hurt and frustrated she got after a month, so she can barely imagine what this other girl is dealing with.
And after all is said and done Melissa and her huge stupid heart wanted to be there for him, figure things out so they could still have some kind of friendship. He blew her off once more. Racine said, "You dodged a bullet with that one."
In the past Melissa would have held on to this dysfunctional "relationship" for months, but now she's in a place where she knows that she deserves so much more than Gavin could ever be capable of giving her. Why would she want to be friends with someone so immature, selfish, and disrespectful? The answer is she doesn't.
Something New
I met someone, I think he's pretty cool, and he's different from other guys I've hung out with before. This one actually wants to get to know me and establish a foundation in friendship before deciding if we should pursue anything romantic with one another. He also doesn't want to do anything physical/sexual unless we end up in a relationship.
This is nice. This is refreshing. And because this is so radically different from my usual pattern with guys I am actual hopeful about the outcome.
We get along so well which means I'll either end up with a great friend, or something more that was based on friendship first.
Looking forward to seeing how things develop, but not in a rush for once. It's about the journey, right?
This is nice. This is refreshing. And because this is so radically different from my usual pattern with guys I am actual hopeful about the outcome.
We get along so well which means I'll either end up with a great friend, or something more that was based on friendship first.
Looking forward to seeing how things develop, but not in a rush for once. It's about the journey, right?
In Love
I have never been in love before, I thought I was with my ex-husband but I think when my marriage fell apart I realized that I didn't even really know what being in love was. As you know I am a student of life with many theories, so here is my theory on what it must be like.
It sneaks up on you when you least expect it most likely with someone you weren't thinking it would happen with. Maybe you hoped, but you didn't know for sure. You can't plan for it or prepare for it, and when it happens it's the most scary yet exhilarating thing you've ever felt.
This person can memorize parts of you better than their favorite book. What your face and body say when your lips don't utter a word. You may frustrate them to no end, but that's part of what draws them to you. Being in their arms feels like the safest place in the world. They can make you laugh when all you want to do is cry. They push you to be the best possible version of yourself without actively trying to change who you are. Your quirks, flaws, and neurosis are some of their most favorite things about you because even if you see them as ugly this person sees them as a big part of what makes you beautiful.
There is no one else. Of course you may form some mental or physical attraction to other people, but it'll never compare to what you already have with your special someone. They are the sexiest, smartest, funniest person you know regardless of what anyone else may think. They compliment you in a Martha Stewart/Bob Villa kind of way. It's so nice that they get you, who you are, what you're about without you having to painstakingly explain yourself. They fit into your world and you into theirs just as if this is how it should have been all along.
It's not perfect, sometimes it takes work, but you both have a confidence in what you share so strong that no challenge seems insurmountable. There's a balance between your similarities and your differences. And at the end of the day seeing that other person's smile makes everything else worth it.
For those of you that have fallen in love, am I even close or completely delusional?
It sneaks up on you when you least expect it most likely with someone you weren't thinking it would happen with. Maybe you hoped, but you didn't know for sure. You can't plan for it or prepare for it, and when it happens it's the most scary yet exhilarating thing you've ever felt.
This person can memorize parts of you better than their favorite book. What your face and body say when your lips don't utter a word. You may frustrate them to no end, but that's part of what draws them to you. Being in their arms feels like the safest place in the world. They can make you laugh when all you want to do is cry. They push you to be the best possible version of yourself without actively trying to change who you are. Your quirks, flaws, and neurosis are some of their most favorite things about you because even if you see them as ugly this person sees them as a big part of what makes you beautiful.
There is no one else. Of course you may form some mental or physical attraction to other people, but it'll never compare to what you already have with your special someone. They are the sexiest, smartest, funniest person you know regardless of what anyone else may think. They compliment you in a Martha Stewart/Bob Villa kind of way. It's so nice that they get you, who you are, what you're about without you having to painstakingly explain yourself. They fit into your world and you into theirs just as if this is how it should have been all along.
It's not perfect, sometimes it takes work, but you both have a confidence in what you share so strong that no challenge seems insurmountable. There's a balance between your similarities and your differences. And at the end of the day seeing that other person's smile makes everything else worth it.
For those of you that have fallen in love, am I even close or completely delusional?
What's Really Been Going On
As many of you know last October I ended up in the ER for digestive track problems and the truth is I haven't bounced back since. I'll be okay for a few days or a couple of weeks and then I get real sick again to the point where I can't get out of bed.
For once I wasn't advertising something major that's been going on in my life. Actually for being someone who believes in complete honestly I was flat out withholding this from the people closest to me and in some cases even lying about how I was feeling. I didn't want to keep feeling like I was a burden to people, I didn't want to worry anyone, and I figured it was best to just deal with it on my own. Obviously my reasoning is completely idiotic.
The truth is I don't want to go through this alone anymore. The doctors don't know what's wrong with me, so they're running more tests. Am I dying? NO, but I'm not doing so well either. I'm scared.
To all the people I kept in the dark, I am sorry. I'd like to unofficially thank "Gavin" for showing me that shutting people out who care about you unnecessarily hurts them. And I want to thank Jannessa for telling me "When someone loves you, they won't consider you a burden."
For once I wasn't advertising something major that's been going on in my life. Actually for being someone who believes in complete honestly I was flat out withholding this from the people closest to me and in some cases even lying about how I was feeling. I didn't want to keep feeling like I was a burden to people, I didn't want to worry anyone, and I figured it was best to just deal with it on my own. Obviously my reasoning is completely idiotic.
The truth is I don't want to go through this alone anymore. The doctors don't know what's wrong with me, so they're running more tests. Am I dying? NO, but I'm not doing so well either. I'm scared.
To all the people I kept in the dark, I am sorry. I'd like to unofficially thank "Gavin" for showing me that shutting people out who care about you unnecessarily hurts them. And I want to thank Jannessa for telling me "When someone loves you, they won't consider you a burden."
It is What It is
The problem is that Melissa really liked Gavin, but deep down she knew he wasn't the guy for her. Obviously she didn't want to date a personality clone of herself, but there needed to be some basic commonalities to establish a connection. She's a social butterfly, he's more of a loner. She's a romantic, he's anti-romance. She's a fan of spending time with the people she likes, he prefers having as much personal space as possible. She likes movies, he avoids them. She's a planner, he saves things until the very last minute.
She inhaled deeply before dialing his number. This was the first time she would be on this end of the "it's not working out" conversation and she hadn't considered just how hard it might be. Things would have been different and so much easier if she could write him off as an asshole like other guys she's been involved with. The problem was that Gavin was an honest and decent guy who just lacked certain basic social skills needed in a healthy functioning relationship.
Melissa had dated every type of guy there was or so she thought, until she met Gavin. It was kind of cliche that this was someone who liked her so much he was afraid of it. It seems like such a line guys use, but in this case it was actually true. Dating scared her too. Opening up to someone, being intimate, allowing a trust to form are all pretty intimidating because of that giant unknown, that leap of faith you're taking in that other person. She wasn't an idiot although maybe the fact that she had taken the leap so many times before and fallen flat on her face proved otherwise.
She wanted to try with him. He did not. It's not fair to begrudge him after all we have this crazy little thing called free will. The pseudo rejection just stung a bit. She could understand being interested in a guy that wasn't interested in her, it happened quite frequently. Also almost just as often was her strong interest in a guy who was only mildly interested in her. What confused her with this scenerio was that there was a mutual interest, yet the guy was running away from it.
It was almost an out of body experience hearing her own voice say these things to him, the feelings she had been holding back about how his actions had hurt her. All these old doubts began racing through her head as to why she wasn't good enough for him. And then there were the tears she had been fighting for over a week. He listened, he apologized, and he said he didn't want to lose her as a friend. The conversation went as well as it could have for what it was.
Afterwards she thought to herself "Did this really just happen?" That's the risk you take when you throw yourself back into the dating world. The reality is that it won't work out the vast majority of the time, but when it does it could be something incredible. Love really is a battlefield.
Maybe it's not such a coincidence that so many hopeless romantics are also drunks?
She inhaled deeply before dialing his number. This was the first time she would be on this end of the "it's not working out" conversation and she hadn't considered just how hard it might be. Things would have been different and so much easier if she could write him off as an asshole like other guys she's been involved with. The problem was that Gavin was an honest and decent guy who just lacked certain basic social skills needed in a healthy functioning relationship.
Melissa had dated every type of guy there was or so she thought, until she met Gavin. It was kind of cliche that this was someone who liked her so much he was afraid of it. It seems like such a line guys use, but in this case it was actually true. Dating scared her too. Opening up to someone, being intimate, allowing a trust to form are all pretty intimidating because of that giant unknown, that leap of faith you're taking in that other person. She wasn't an idiot although maybe the fact that she had taken the leap so many times before and fallen flat on her face proved otherwise.
She wanted to try with him. He did not. It's not fair to begrudge him after all we have this crazy little thing called free will. The pseudo rejection just stung a bit. She could understand being interested in a guy that wasn't interested in her, it happened quite frequently. Also almost just as often was her strong interest in a guy who was only mildly interested in her. What confused her with this scenerio was that there was a mutual interest, yet the guy was running away from it.
It was almost an out of body experience hearing her own voice say these things to him, the feelings she had been holding back about how his actions had hurt her. All these old doubts began racing through her head as to why she wasn't good enough for him. And then there were the tears she had been fighting for over a week. He listened, he apologized, and he said he didn't want to lose her as a friend. The conversation went as well as it could have for what it was.
Afterwards she thought to herself "Did this really just happen?" That's the risk you take when you throw yourself back into the dating world. The reality is that it won't work out the vast majority of the time, but when it does it could be something incredible. Love really is a battlefield.
Maybe it's not such a coincidence that so many hopeless romantics are also drunks?
The Sex-petition
***JJ now on the mend physically needs to get back in the game mentally***
Ever since high school I had formed the opinion that no other girl had the ability to enjoy sex without attachment the way I did and then a few years ago Crazy Christin came into my life. She worked a few stores down from me at Toxic, the Hot Topic type/knock off store. I was in the food court during a lunch break feasting on the wonders of Taco Bell when I overheard a conversation she was having on her cell phone at a nearby table.
"If I speak more slowly will you understand me? I do not want to be your girlfriend, it was just sex, mediocre sex at best and now I'm over it." She snapped shut her phone and I started applauding her.
"Nicely done."
She smiled, "When will guys stop trying to turn us into their personal Disney Princesses? It's sickening."
You guessed it, the wild adventures of JJ and CC began....
If I had to label it and you know how much I despise labels, I would have called it a "Sex-petition". It wasn't so much about how many guys we got with, it was more who the guy was and what we did with them. Christin found some naughty XXX to do list off a website, gave me a copy, and it was game on. The only rule was that we couldn't sabotage or interfere with the other person's venture, if anything on several occasions we tried to help one another. Then we'd report back on what we did and how it was.
For all those college kids that look down on me because I chose not to take the road to higher education, let me explain that the things I was learning would prove to be just as valuable someday. Maybe they'll earn bigger salaries than me, drive fancier cars, and live in big plush houses with lawns perfectly manicured by a crew of illegal Mexicans but I know how to make a man orgasm so intensely he'll cry. It's true I made a man cry as he came. Are you surprised? I have told you several times before that I do what I do damn well. So fuck college!
My favorite experience had to be the orgy with CC, the two hot guys that work at Pizza Hut, and myself in a hot tub. Well it started in the hot tub, moved to a pool, a shower, and then eventually a water bed. Something about aqua aerobics gets me every time. And this was also the night I had my first female on female experience. CC is a petite little red head with the ass of a black girl, don't ask me how that happened. But the point is she's real cute and if I were ever to decide to really play for the other team it would be with someone like her. And experiencing the female orgasm from the other end was actually a lot of fun.
The thing about the sex-petition is that there is no clear cut winner or loser. You have orgasms, you win as far as we were concerned. And this is the kind of thing that has no definitive end...
Let's fast forward to the present. Today's my first day back at work since the car accident. The store owner's wouldn't even let me get back into the full swing of things, I can only work four 1/2 days this week instead of my usual six full days. And I'm not allowed to do anything too physical, so basically just work the register. Complete bullshit, I'm not some fragile China doll and surviving a major car wreck should only prove that.
My mood immediately turned around when CC came in to the store wearing green pleather pants. Wearing pleather is a skill very few people have, but she is one of the lucky ones. And then there's that mischievous grin of hers that lets me know I'm in for a real treat. She props herself up on the counter, "New guy at the watch kiosk is smokin'. I say we tag team him."
"Tempting, but I don't think I'm up to it."
"That must have been some accident, did it break your bones and your sex drive?"
Here's the thing about my friendship with CC, it only exists on a fun superficial level which is what I prefer. She did not visit me while I was home healing and I didn't want her to. We don't have heart to hearts or cry over lost loves. She's not like that, I'm not like that, and that's what makes this work so well between us. So movies, bowling, sexual conquests...yeah that pretty much sums up what we do together.
I laugh, "Hardly. I'm just so doped up right now I wouldn't even feel it."
"You know we can use that to our advantage, do some kinky S&M type shit."
That did sound like a good time actually, but the truth was I wouldn't feel it because I am still numb over what happened with Brendon. Not that I would ever admit that to CC, once again we're not the ya-ya sisterhood type. Let her think I'm a punk if she wants. I never cared about her opinion before, or anyones for that matter, so why the hell start now.
Well maybe I care about one person's opinion. The very person that hasn't called or texted me since I left. Not that I'm waiting by my phone or checking it every five minutes cause that's just crazy. Oh crap, how did I turn into one of those girls?
I look Christin dead in the eye, "You know what, let's make this happen."
Ever since high school I had formed the opinion that no other girl had the ability to enjoy sex without attachment the way I did and then a few years ago Crazy Christin came into my life. She worked a few stores down from me at Toxic, the Hot Topic type/knock off store. I was in the food court during a lunch break feasting on the wonders of Taco Bell when I overheard a conversation she was having on her cell phone at a nearby table.
"If I speak more slowly will you understand me? I do not want to be your girlfriend, it was just sex, mediocre sex at best and now I'm over it." She snapped shut her phone and I started applauding her.
"Nicely done."
She smiled, "When will guys stop trying to turn us into their personal Disney Princesses? It's sickening."
You guessed it, the wild adventures of JJ and CC began....
If I had to label it and you know how much I despise labels, I would have called it a "Sex-petition". It wasn't so much about how many guys we got with, it was more who the guy was and what we did with them. Christin found some naughty XXX to do list off a website, gave me a copy, and it was game on. The only rule was that we couldn't sabotage or interfere with the other person's venture, if anything on several occasions we tried to help one another. Then we'd report back on what we did and how it was.
For all those college kids that look down on me because I chose not to take the road to higher education, let me explain that the things I was learning would prove to be just as valuable someday. Maybe they'll earn bigger salaries than me, drive fancier cars, and live in big plush houses with lawns perfectly manicured by a crew of illegal Mexicans but I know how to make a man orgasm so intensely he'll cry. It's true I made a man cry as he came. Are you surprised? I have told you several times before that I do what I do damn well. So fuck college!
My favorite experience had to be the orgy with CC, the two hot guys that work at Pizza Hut, and myself in a hot tub. Well it started in the hot tub, moved to a pool, a shower, and then eventually a water bed. Something about aqua aerobics gets me every time. And this was also the night I had my first female on female experience. CC is a petite little red head with the ass of a black girl, don't ask me how that happened. But the point is she's real cute and if I were ever to decide to really play for the other team it would be with someone like her. And experiencing the female orgasm from the other end was actually a lot of fun.
The thing about the sex-petition is that there is no clear cut winner or loser. You have orgasms, you win as far as we were concerned. And this is the kind of thing that has no definitive end...
Let's fast forward to the present. Today's my first day back at work since the car accident. The store owner's wouldn't even let me get back into the full swing of things, I can only work four 1/2 days this week instead of my usual six full days. And I'm not allowed to do anything too physical, so basically just work the register. Complete bullshit, I'm not some fragile China doll and surviving a major car wreck should only prove that.
My mood immediately turned around when CC came in to the store wearing green pleather pants. Wearing pleather is a skill very few people have, but she is one of the lucky ones. And then there's that mischievous grin of hers that lets me know I'm in for a real treat. She props herself up on the counter, "New guy at the watch kiosk is smokin'. I say we tag team him."
"Tempting, but I don't think I'm up to it."
"That must have been some accident, did it break your bones and your sex drive?"
Here's the thing about my friendship with CC, it only exists on a fun superficial level which is what I prefer. She did not visit me while I was home healing and I didn't want her to. We don't have heart to hearts or cry over lost loves. She's not like that, I'm not like that, and that's what makes this work so well between us. So movies, bowling, sexual conquests...yeah that pretty much sums up what we do together.
I laugh, "Hardly. I'm just so doped up right now I wouldn't even feel it."
"You know we can use that to our advantage, do some kinky S&M type shit."
That did sound like a good time actually, but the truth was I wouldn't feel it because I am still numb over what happened with Brendon. Not that I would ever admit that to CC, once again we're not the ya-ya sisterhood type. Let her think I'm a punk if she wants. I never cared about her opinion before, or anyones for that matter, so why the hell start now.
Well maybe I care about one person's opinion. The very person that hasn't called or texted me since I left. Not that I'm waiting by my phone or checking it every five minutes cause that's just crazy. Oh crap, how did I turn into one of those girls?
I look Christin dead in the eye, "You know what, let's make this happen."
Changing the Conversation
Today I am a little sad. The reason doesn't matter because as far as I am concerned the reason is a stupid one. Despite all that, I know that I fully have the power to change my mood by shifting my focus on the things going well in my life verses this one insignificant thing that isn't.
I have said it countless times and I'll say it again, I have the best parents in the world. They have unconditionally loved me, supported me, and encouraged me throughout my life. They teach me by example how to be the best possible version of myself. And I know at the end of the day when I feel the world is crumbling down around me that they will be by my side helping me to get through it.
My friends, my real friends, that have seen me at my worst and still love me. Although brutally honest at times they help me see things in a new perspective I would have not otherwise considered. And they have never once made me feel bad about who I was, actually they appreciate me just as much as I appreciate each of them.
My job which has the potential to turn into a career someday. It's literally right down the road from where I live, 10 minute commute rocks! My coworkers are funny, friendly, and helpful. My management team is approachable and encouraging. The pay if fair, the benefits nice, the hours are good, and there is a lot of room for advancement. In a time when unemployment is so high I feel incredibly grateful to not only have a job, but a really good job.
My health. I may have a slew of weird issues, but they are all manageable. I am fortunate to have good doctors who really want to help me get as well as I possibly can. And as rough as it may get sometimes, I still have far more good days than bad ones.
My wonderfully amazing bunnies. I hate leaving them every day and look forward to seeing them when I come home. I actually shout "BUNNIES!" when I enter my apartment. They fill my heart with such a happiness that only a fellow animal lover could possibly understand. They sooth me and make me laugh on a daily basis. Sometimes I feel they do so much more for me than I could ever do for them.
I have a beautiful apartment located in a good neighborhood, with off street parking, laundry on the premise, a free locked storage unit in the basement, and some pretty nice neighbors, that is in my price range (barely, but it is). In my apartment I have nice things, lots of nice things that have been acquired over the years. If you want to label me materialistic that is fine by me since I am a person fully willing to admit I like things.
My religion. I 100% believe that my life started to drastically turn around for the better when I opened my heart up to the God and Goddess. As soon as I stopped resisting them it was as of a weight had been lifted off of me. I pray in a very conversational manner with them every day several times a day. It's reassuring to know there is someone always there no matter what to listen and guide without judging me. I trust that they know what is best for me and will lead me to great things as long as I continue to have a strong faith. Through them all things are possible.
I am sure there is so much more to be thankful for, but I think this is a good start. I really want to push the negativity away and let the positivity through. Cheesy, I know but I believe it works. Funny thing happened, when I wrote out this list and read it to myself suddenly I didn't feel so sad anymore.
I have said it countless times and I'll say it again, I have the best parents in the world. They have unconditionally loved me, supported me, and encouraged me throughout my life. They teach me by example how to be the best possible version of myself. And I know at the end of the day when I feel the world is crumbling down around me that they will be by my side helping me to get through it.
My friends, my real friends, that have seen me at my worst and still love me. Although brutally honest at times they help me see things in a new perspective I would have not otherwise considered. And they have never once made me feel bad about who I was, actually they appreciate me just as much as I appreciate each of them.
My job which has the potential to turn into a career someday. It's literally right down the road from where I live, 10 minute commute rocks! My coworkers are funny, friendly, and helpful. My management team is approachable and encouraging. The pay if fair, the benefits nice, the hours are good, and there is a lot of room for advancement. In a time when unemployment is so high I feel incredibly grateful to not only have a job, but a really good job.
My health. I may have a slew of weird issues, but they are all manageable. I am fortunate to have good doctors who really want to help me get as well as I possibly can. And as rough as it may get sometimes, I still have far more good days than bad ones.
My wonderfully amazing bunnies. I hate leaving them every day and look forward to seeing them when I come home. I actually shout "BUNNIES!" when I enter my apartment. They fill my heart with such a happiness that only a fellow animal lover could possibly understand. They sooth me and make me laugh on a daily basis. Sometimes I feel they do so much more for me than I could ever do for them.
I have a beautiful apartment located in a good neighborhood, with off street parking, laundry on the premise, a free locked storage unit in the basement, and some pretty nice neighbors, that is in my price range (barely, but it is). In my apartment I have nice things, lots of nice things that have been acquired over the years. If you want to label me materialistic that is fine by me since I am a person fully willing to admit I like things.
My religion. I 100% believe that my life started to drastically turn around for the better when I opened my heart up to the God and Goddess. As soon as I stopped resisting them it was as of a weight had been lifted off of me. I pray in a very conversational manner with them every day several times a day. It's reassuring to know there is someone always there no matter what to listen and guide without judging me. I trust that they know what is best for me and will lead me to great things as long as I continue to have a strong faith. Through them all things are possible.
I am sure there is so much more to be thankful for, but I think this is a good start. I really want to push the negativity away and let the positivity through. Cheesy, I know but I believe it works. Funny thing happened, when I wrote out this list and read it to myself suddenly I didn't feel so sad anymore.
Randomness Infusion
I choose to believe the good in people despite a world that has taught me differently
Consistently I resisted to see what was so clearly in front of me
Stuck in a fairy tale in the same chapter on the same page
Naivety had become my iron cage
The faces they wear and choose to hide behind
The inception of deception has polluted the mind
I cannot be everything everyone wants me to be
An identity with warped elasticity
Your lies paralyze me
Whispers that should be shouts clawing their way out
Misery prospers in the drought of dreams
Once swept away by unkempt promises of another day
Time is an illusion designed for perpetual confusion
Would you even know the truth if it was presented to you?
A graveyard full of virtue, hope, and honor
A symphony for the deaf, an optical show for the blind
Some of us are crippled with a mountain to climb
Yank the beautiful roses, leave the weeds behind
Stuck in a trance falling down from your dizzying dance
Afraid of the fall, refuse the leap of chance
You want sunshine but refuse to leave the dark
Consistently I resisted to see what was so clearly in front of me
Stuck in a fairy tale in the same chapter on the same page
Naivety had become my iron cage
The faces they wear and choose to hide behind
The inception of deception has polluted the mind
I cannot be everything everyone wants me to be
An identity with warped elasticity
Your lies paralyze me
Whispers that should be shouts clawing their way out
Misery prospers in the drought of dreams
Once swept away by unkempt promises of another day
Time is an illusion designed for perpetual confusion
Would you even know the truth if it was presented to you?
A graveyard full of virtue, hope, and honor
A symphony for the deaf, an optical show for the blind
Some of us are crippled with a mountain to climb
Yank the beautiful roses, leave the weeds behind
Stuck in a trance falling down from your dizzying dance
Afraid of the fall, refuse the leap of chance
You want sunshine but refuse to leave the dark
Not That Girl
***Our girl JJ is back although still slightly damaged, then again wasn't she always?***
Okay if you repeat any of the following I will hunt you down and cause some serious pain. I mean it, we all know I have a certain reputation to uphold and if this got out it would completely destroy it. Yeah yeah yeah, here it goes. I think I am in love with Brendon.
Maybe the feelings had been there all along and I was too involved in my ignorant bliss to notice them. Then as time and distance grew between us my feelings kind of faded. There's also the very distinct possibility that I never felt that way about him before since I was some stone cold bitch with a heart made of ice and then the car accident made me put things in perspective. Who the hell knows? Either way there are definite feelings there now and I have no fuckin clue what to do with them.
He stayed with me during my first month of recovery. Contrary to a very popular sexual fantasy, a man playing nurse isn't quite so hot in reality. Brendon made sure I got my medication, cleaned my wounds and applied fresh dressings, drove me to doctors appointments, and sometimes helped bath/feed/dress me. As I previously stated the whole thing was a huge embarrassment to me because I felt like a major invalid. However I did appreciate the fact that he took care of Envy's litter box which was frankly something I would avoid until the smell grew unbearable.
But don't go awarding him some medal of honor just yet, believe me he had his fun too. The Disney movie marathon he forced me to watch and with one broken leg I was in no position to run away. And you know how much I loved him blaring boy band music during my at home Physical Therapy sessions. Did I mention he dressed me in the sparkliest and frilliest stuff he could get his hands on? That shit sure as hell wasn't in my closet so who the hell knows where it came from. And how could I forget what he did while I was sleeping? Let's just say I woke up with hot pink toe nails. There are some lines you just don't cross.
Speaking of crossing lines Brendon had been my closest friend for well over a decade now. I have never been someone that can't speak her mind; as a matter of fact I tend to do it very often, loudly, and bluntly. This is the reason why so many people resent me, I am that person that says out loud what everyone is quietly thinking yet are too chicken shit to actually say. I figured avoiding this particular conversation altogether was my best bet since it had been working so well for me all along, but unfortunately Brendon opened his damn mouth.
We were sitting on my couch enjoying the last few days we had together before he returned to his normal life and I braved the rest of this journey on my own. I think one of those lame Twilight movies was on and I was in the middle of making some snide remark about how the glitter effect adds to a vampire's intimidation factor when he just came out with it.
"JJ do you ever think about us?"
"Well it's been hard not to lately since you're up in face 24/7."
He shook his head, "You know that's not what I meant. What if we had taken things further back then?"
"Not sure how much further we could have taken it, we did swipe each others v-cards after all." I let out a laugh.
This is when things got real serious. Brendon turned off the movie, took my hands, and looked into my eyes. "Nobody gets me like you. You irritate me and make me happy all at the same time. And do you know why all my relationships eventually fail?"
"Because the sex gets old and stale?"
"No, because every girl I am with I compare to you and none of them have ever measured up. Why am I trying to find a replacement when the real thing is right here in front of me?"
Most girls would melt at the knees over this confession, but the truth is that all his words did was scare me. I don't doubt the reality that there is something between us, it's just I'm not sure I can go down that road. Brendon has been the one steady, consistent, good thing in my life since I was fourteen years old. Romance would destroy all that. Maybe it doesn't make sense to you, but at the end of the day I'm just not willing to risk it all.
I pulled my hands away, "I'm not what you're looking for and deep down you know it. You're into hand holding, cuddling after sex, celebrating monthly anniversaries. I'm not that girl. I'll never appreciate your romantic gestures and I definitely won't do any in return. If we gave this a shot you would just end up disappointed. Let's just keep things as they are."
In all the time I have known Brendon I have never once lied to him about anything small, big, in between until now. I saw the hurt wash over his face and immediately wanted to take it all back, tell him I did want to be with him but I didn't. The next few days went by quickly and then he was gone. My first night alone after he left I did something I promised I would never do, I cried over a guy. Here's the thing, Brendon isn't just some guy he is the guy.
Okay if you repeat any of the following I will hunt you down and cause some serious pain. I mean it, we all know I have a certain reputation to uphold and if this got out it would completely destroy it. Yeah yeah yeah, here it goes. I think I am in love with Brendon.
Maybe the feelings had been there all along and I was too involved in my ignorant bliss to notice them. Then as time and distance grew between us my feelings kind of faded. There's also the very distinct possibility that I never felt that way about him before since I was some stone cold bitch with a heart made of ice and then the car accident made me put things in perspective. Who the hell knows? Either way there are definite feelings there now and I have no fuckin clue what to do with them.
He stayed with me during my first month of recovery. Contrary to a very popular sexual fantasy, a man playing nurse isn't quite so hot in reality. Brendon made sure I got my medication, cleaned my wounds and applied fresh dressings, drove me to doctors appointments, and sometimes helped bath/feed/dress me. As I previously stated the whole thing was a huge embarrassment to me because I felt like a major invalid. However I did appreciate the fact that he took care of Envy's litter box which was frankly something I would avoid until the smell grew unbearable.
But don't go awarding him some medal of honor just yet, believe me he had his fun too. The Disney movie marathon he forced me to watch and with one broken leg I was in no position to run away. And you know how much I loved him blaring boy band music during my at home Physical Therapy sessions. Did I mention he dressed me in the sparkliest and frilliest stuff he could get his hands on? That shit sure as hell wasn't in my closet so who the hell knows where it came from. And how could I forget what he did while I was sleeping? Let's just say I woke up with hot pink toe nails. There are some lines you just don't cross.
Speaking of crossing lines Brendon had been my closest friend for well over a decade now. I have never been someone that can't speak her mind; as a matter of fact I tend to do it very often, loudly, and bluntly. This is the reason why so many people resent me, I am that person that says out loud what everyone is quietly thinking yet are too chicken shit to actually say. I figured avoiding this particular conversation altogether was my best bet since it had been working so well for me all along, but unfortunately Brendon opened his damn mouth.
We were sitting on my couch enjoying the last few days we had together before he returned to his normal life and I braved the rest of this journey on my own. I think one of those lame Twilight movies was on and I was in the middle of making some snide remark about how the glitter effect adds to a vampire's intimidation factor when he just came out with it.
"JJ do you ever think about us?"
"Well it's been hard not to lately since you're up in face 24/7."
He shook his head, "You know that's not what I meant. What if we had taken things further back then?"
"Not sure how much further we could have taken it, we did swipe each others v-cards after all." I let out a laugh.
This is when things got real serious. Brendon turned off the movie, took my hands, and looked into my eyes. "Nobody gets me like you. You irritate me and make me happy all at the same time. And do you know why all my relationships eventually fail?"
"Because the sex gets old and stale?"
"No, because every girl I am with I compare to you and none of them have ever measured up. Why am I trying to find a replacement when the real thing is right here in front of me?"
Most girls would melt at the knees over this confession, but the truth is that all his words did was scare me. I don't doubt the reality that there is something between us, it's just I'm not sure I can go down that road. Brendon has been the one steady, consistent, good thing in my life since I was fourteen years old. Romance would destroy all that. Maybe it doesn't make sense to you, but at the end of the day I'm just not willing to risk it all.
I pulled my hands away, "I'm not what you're looking for and deep down you know it. You're into hand holding, cuddling after sex, celebrating monthly anniversaries. I'm not that girl. I'll never appreciate your romantic gestures and I definitely won't do any in return. If we gave this a shot you would just end up disappointed. Let's just keep things as they are."
In all the time I have known Brendon I have never once lied to him about anything small, big, in between until now. I saw the hurt wash over his face and immediately wanted to take it all back, tell him I did want to be with him but I didn't. The next few days went by quickly and then he was gone. My first night alone after he left I did something I promised I would never do, I cried over a guy. Here's the thing, Brendon isn't just some guy he is the guy.
Looking Back in Order to Move Forward
Although this is not a completely original blog, I came across a journal from a few years ago and wanted to post a favorite poem I created during a not so happy skipping in the park while blowing bubbles time in my life.
**Hint this piece gets its full effect when read aloud and dramatically**
A Girl Named Angry
Quiet
It was quiet
Very Quiet
And then the riot
Her body would shake
Tears would break
The sounds she'd make
Every season with or without reason
She would commit treason
to her tranquil state
No one can appreciate
Corruption
Eruption
Destruction
Festered hate
The others around her would create
Heightened shrills
Gives your spine chills
A volcano destroying all surrounding innocence
An earthquake breaking what had been built
A tornado consuming all along it's path
Immortal wrath
Slaughtering her very soul
Holding captive her only control
Look behind her tiny frightened eyes
Here is where the answer lies
The most profound threat in all the world
An angry angry angry
Angry Girl
Very quiet
It was quiet
Quiet
**Hint this piece gets its full effect when read aloud and dramatically**
A Girl Named Angry
Quiet
It was quiet
Very Quiet
And then the riot
Her body would shake
Tears would break
The sounds she'd make
Every season with or without reason
She would commit treason
to her tranquil state
No one can appreciate
Corruption
Eruption
Destruction
Festered hate
The others around her would create
Heightened shrills
Gives your spine chills
A volcano destroying all surrounding innocence
An earthquake breaking what had been built
A tornado consuming all along it's path
Immortal wrath
Slaughtering her very soul
Holding captive her only control
Look behind her tiny frightened eyes
Here is where the answer lies
The most profound threat in all the world
An angry angry angry
Angry Girl
Very quiet
It was quiet
Quiet
02/17/2011
It's true that I am guilty of using the term "friends" far too loosely and have the ugly habit of referring to people as friends when they are merely acquaintances or coworkers. If I am to be completely honest with myself I only REALLY have very few real true friends that have stood by me at worst supporting me when I wasn't strong enough to support myself.
The next thing I am about to say people will either completely get or they won't, but I have actually considered my pets my friends. They accepted me as I was, never needed more from me than basic care and love, and never turned their backs on me when I needed someone to talk to. It has been said that a love between a person and their pet is one of the truest types of love there is because it is pure and free of complications. Your pet won't manipulate, lie, betray, talk behind your back, use you, or do any number of seedy things people are capable of. Take it for what it is, but it's completely true.
Suddenly on the evening of 2/17/11 I lost my best friend, Drew Bunnymore. And although I have an amazing love with my newer rabbits Banjo and Amelia, I am unsure if I will ever love a four legged creature the way I loved Drew. Drew and I experienced so many traditions together from moving from South Carolina to NY, moving into my house in Scotia, and the collapse of my marriage. On days when I felt the world didn't love or want me I knew that Drew did and sometimes just holding him could make the tears go away.
He understood me in a way most of my human companions did not. The best was that bunny intuition to know those days I needed just a little extra TLC or a good laugh with his binkies expeditions. And for a while after his death I was filled with regrets for not spending enough time with him and not showing him just how much he meant to me. Here's the thing, when you get close to someone they just know what is in your heart without the words ever leaving your mouth.
This is for you Drew. 10/16/06-02/17/11
The next thing I am about to say people will either completely get or they won't, but I have actually considered my pets my friends. They accepted me as I was, never needed more from me than basic care and love, and never turned their backs on me when I needed someone to talk to. It has been said that a love between a person and their pet is one of the truest types of love there is because it is pure and free of complications. Your pet won't manipulate, lie, betray, talk behind your back, use you, or do any number of seedy things people are capable of. Take it for what it is, but it's completely true.
Suddenly on the evening of 2/17/11 I lost my best friend, Drew Bunnymore. And although I have an amazing love with my newer rabbits Banjo and Amelia, I am unsure if I will ever love a four legged creature the way I loved Drew. Drew and I experienced so many traditions together from moving from South Carolina to NY, moving into my house in Scotia, and the collapse of my marriage. On days when I felt the world didn't love or want me I knew that Drew did and sometimes just holding him could make the tears go away.
He understood me in a way most of my human companions did not. The best was that bunny intuition to know those days I needed just a little extra TLC or a good laugh with his binkies expeditions. And for a while after his death I was filled with regrets for not spending enough time with him and not showing him just how much he meant to me. Here's the thing, when you get close to someone they just know what is in your heart without the words ever leaving your mouth.
This is for you Drew. 10/16/06-02/17/11
Revelations
Today's blog will be short and sweet because I am once again not feeling so great.
No one of us is 100% innocent all the time. It was easy for me to play the blame game most of my life over the various misfortunes I experienced, but the truth is I played a role even if it was minor in every single one. The minute I stopped asking "Why me?" and started asking "What can I do about it?" I took back the power over a previously viewed powerless situation.
I chose to have certain toxic people in my life and I chose to keep some of them around long after I knew what they were really about. There is no shortage of quality people out there, some of whom I am already fortunate to have in my life, so why hold on to those that only bring me down? This is why I began removing them from my life over the last year or so. This is also why even when some of them wanted to rekindle what we once had I decided I didn't want to go there again.
I chose to make a mess of my finances. I am a grown woman who acted like a child with her credit card for far too long. And as much fun as it may have been at the time, repairing the damage I caused is far harder then I thought it would be. It's a lesson I learned the hard way and won't soon forget either.
I chose to treat myself horribly for the vast majority of my life. I constantly sought validation, love, and acceptance in others who more often than not didn't give it to me. Sadly I have health conditions because of the poor decisions I made that cannot be undone, only treated in order to not get worse. Now I know I am worth so much more than I allowed myself to previously believe and I try to live every day to love myself in the best possible way I can.
I chose to accept that I am a flawed person, but it is these very flaws that help make me who I am and I choose not to let these flaws define me. The right people will see me beyond them and love me despite them, maybe even because of them.
No one of us is 100% innocent all the time. It was easy for me to play the blame game most of my life over the various misfortunes I experienced, but the truth is I played a role even if it was minor in every single one. The minute I stopped asking "Why me?" and started asking "What can I do about it?" I took back the power over a previously viewed powerless situation.
I chose to have certain toxic people in my life and I chose to keep some of them around long after I knew what they were really about. There is no shortage of quality people out there, some of whom I am already fortunate to have in my life, so why hold on to those that only bring me down? This is why I began removing them from my life over the last year or so. This is also why even when some of them wanted to rekindle what we once had I decided I didn't want to go there again.
I chose to make a mess of my finances. I am a grown woman who acted like a child with her credit card for far too long. And as much fun as it may have been at the time, repairing the damage I caused is far harder then I thought it would be. It's a lesson I learned the hard way and won't soon forget either.
I chose to treat myself horribly for the vast majority of my life. I constantly sought validation, love, and acceptance in others who more often than not didn't give it to me. Sadly I have health conditions because of the poor decisions I made that cannot be undone, only treated in order to not get worse. Now I know I am worth so much more than I allowed myself to previously believe and I try to live every day to love myself in the best possible way I can.
I chose to accept that I am a flawed person, but it is these very flaws that help make me who I am and I choose not to let these flaws define me. The right people will see me beyond them and love me despite them, maybe even because of them.
Figured You Out...
While cruising in my car to work jamming to Nickleback's "Figured You Out" it hit me about that crazy little thing called love/infatuation/lust. It's so easy for us to fall for the beautiful, smart, funny, well rounded person. Well not many of those exist, so how about the rest of us damaged folks out there? Isn't it our quirks and imperfections that REALLY make us who we are? Let's have some fun with this...
I like your crooked yellow teeth
I like your complete unreliability
I like your promiscuity with your twice weekly orgies
You're so fucked up it I feel better about me
I love the fact you have no car
I love you get so drunk you don't know where you are
I love you'd rather collect unemployment then get a real job
You smell like a bum in heat and you're a giant slob
And now I know who you are, it wasn't that hard just to figure you out
Googled you, Facebooked you
And now I know who you are, it wasn't that hard just to figure you out
Googled you, Facebooked you
I like your constant flatulence
You've got more metal than a chain linked fence
I like you failed your GED which makes me feel smart when you're with me
I like your dysfunctional family
And I love the way you're always broke
I love your highly offensive jokes
I love how you still live at home because you refuse to be all grown
I love your musty old lady breath
And now I know who you are, it wasn't that hard just to figure you out
Googled you, Facebooked you
And now I know who you are, it wasn't that hard just to figure you out
Googled you, Facebooked you
::instrumental interlude::
I like your bold faced lies to me
I like how children find you creepy
And I like your devious schemes to hurt nice people just for fun
All this made me realize you might just be the one
I love that you fall off the grid
I love you keep calling me Sid, my name is John
I love that you are always late and can't ever commit to a date
I love that I am one of many guys traveling down between your thighs
And now I know who you are, it wasn't that hard to figure you out
Googled you, Facebooked you
And now I know who you are, it wasn't that hard just to figure you out
Googled you, Facebooked you
I like your crooked yellow teeth
I like your complete unreliability
I like your promiscuity with your twice weekly orgies
You're so fucked up it I feel better about me
I love the fact you have no car
I love you get so drunk you don't know where you are
I love you'd rather collect unemployment then get a real job
You smell like a bum in heat and you're a giant slob
And now I know who you are, it wasn't that hard just to figure you out
Googled you, Facebooked you
And now I know who you are, it wasn't that hard just to figure you out
Googled you, Facebooked you
I like your constant flatulence
You've got more metal than a chain linked fence
I like you failed your GED which makes me feel smart when you're with me
I like your dysfunctional family
And I love the way you're always broke
I love your highly offensive jokes
I love how you still live at home because you refuse to be all grown
I love your musty old lady breath
And now I know who you are, it wasn't that hard just to figure you out
Googled you, Facebooked you
And now I know who you are, it wasn't that hard just to figure you out
Googled you, Facebooked you
::instrumental interlude::
I like your bold faced lies to me
I like how children find you creepy
And I like your devious schemes to hurt nice people just for fun
All this made me realize you might just be the one
I love that you fall off the grid
I love you keep calling me Sid, my name is John
I love that you are always late and can't ever commit to a date
I love that I am one of many guys traveling down between your thighs
And now I know who you are, it wasn't that hard to figure you out
Googled you, Facebooked you
And now I know who you are, it wasn't that hard just to figure you out
Googled you, Facebooked you
In the Dark
My finger tips trace the outline of your body
My lips taste you
Your hips between my thighs while my legs encase you
My hands guide you inside
Breaths shallow, breaths deep
Nails grazing down your back
Lost in each other, lost in time
Screaming, chanting, moaning
Needing and wanting more
Nibble hard nipples
Our tongues collide
Sex with you is like a drug to me feeding my hunger intimately
Sweet sweat along your chest
You whisper my name
Awakening my inner beast no one culd ever tame
In the dark in the heat our bodies wrestling between the sheets
My lips taste you
Your hips between my thighs while my legs encase you
My hands guide you inside
Breaths shallow, breaths deep
Nails grazing down your back
Lost in each other, lost in time
Screaming, chanting, moaning
Needing and wanting more
Nibble hard nipples
Our tongues collide
Sex with you is like a drug to me feeding my hunger intimately
Sweet sweat along your chest
You whisper my name
Awakening my inner beast no one culd ever tame
In the dark in the heat our bodies wrestling between the sheets
Revisiting an Old Friend
Here's a long anticipated interview with our favorite bad boy with the heart of gold, Reed from Prep School Sins and the sequel 10 years Later tells everyone where he and his friends ended up.
Q: We last left off with the much anticipated wedding. Is it right to assume it was Lauren and Caleb that tied the knot with you as the "Maid of Honor"?
(laughs) Yeah, there were several jokes made about me wearing a dress just like the other bridesmaids. I do have nice legs, but thought a tux like the guys would be best. Lauren and Caleb were meant for each other, we all knew it from the very start even though it took them a while to figure it out for themselves.
Q: But wasn't there some romantic history between you and Lauren?
Romantic ancient history. There was a brief thing between us back in high school, but she's become my closest friend now and I know that's the role she was meant to play in my life.
Q: Speaking of high school romance, did Dani and Perry ever figure things out?
Those stubborn idiots! I say that is the nicest possible way. Each one was holding onto pride instead of just admitting how they felt. I know from personal experience that you could miss out on something great that way. But it happened after the birth of their daughter. In the delivery room it just all came out, literally. Neither of them believe in marriage, so they are together and just figuring out how to make it work. Perry moved his career with National Geographic to a more domestic level and Dani's catering business is in high demand. They are quite the power couple.
Q: Don't think I didn't catch that little comment about missing out on something great. Were you referring to Lauren?
Are you really going to make me answer that? She's with the better man and I accept that. At the end of the day all I want is for her to be happy.
Q: Okay, okay I won't push. We haven't talked about Tyler yet. How's he fairing up?
He's been sober for several years now. And out of all the successes my friends have had over the years I have to say Tyler's sobriety is by far the most impressive in my opinion. And that foundation for at risk you he started a few years ago has really taken off. He refuses to use his families money and you know how well off the Fazio's are, the foundation is completely run on grants, donations, and through fundraising efforts. He feels that if he can prevent one kid from traveling that dark road he did then it's all worth it.
Q: There's more to that story though. Wasn't part of the reason Tyler started that program because of his sister?
(shakes his head) Natalia. For someone so destructive, many good things have come about because of her. And I may be a little biased here, but I think the best of them was my beautiful little angel Mia.
Q: That's right, you're a single dad with a very lucrative banking career.
I don't know about 'very lucrative career', I do alright for myself. I mean when I compare myself to Lauren starting her own national magazine, Caleb's architectural restoration business, Dani's catering company, Perry's National Geographic career, and Tyler's foundation...I really am the slacker just like I was in high school. Mia, seven years old now, is my big success. She's smart, sweet, and a well rounded child despite having not one but two crazies for parents. My mom teases me that she'll put me through way much more than I put her through, but I don't think the world could handle the second coming of Reed Hunter.
Q: Is it too touchy to ask how the newly weds are doing?
No, not at all since they're both two of my closest friends. Well it's been a couple of years, but they are very very happy. Fertility problems and all they had a very successful treatment of in-vitro after many attempts of course and are the proud parents of twins: a boy named Shamus after Caleb's late father and a girl named Elisabeth.
Caleb makes sure to work local jobs in order to be home evening and weekends with his family. Lauren travels to NYC once a month to oversea her magazine, but mostly she runs things from her satellite office at home. Lauren is for the most part a stay at home mom who even watches Mia after school. Mia is so infatuated with the babies she started asking me about giving her a brother or sister.
Q: She is? Well, what's going on with you on the romantic front these days?
There is someone, but I don't kiss and tell anymore. We're taking it as it comes and we'll see where it goes. And before you comment this is not about me being a commitment phobe it's honestly not like that. I'm a father now and I need to make sure the lady will fit into both of our lives before I make anything permanent.
I think that wraps it up for now....maybe one of these days I'll actually finish writing the sequel.
Q: We last left off with the much anticipated wedding. Is it right to assume it was Lauren and Caleb that tied the knot with you as the "Maid of Honor"?
(laughs) Yeah, there were several jokes made about me wearing a dress just like the other bridesmaids. I do have nice legs, but thought a tux like the guys would be best. Lauren and Caleb were meant for each other, we all knew it from the very start even though it took them a while to figure it out for themselves.
Q: But wasn't there some romantic history between you and Lauren?
Romantic ancient history. There was a brief thing between us back in high school, but she's become my closest friend now and I know that's the role she was meant to play in my life.
Q: Speaking of high school romance, did Dani and Perry ever figure things out?
Those stubborn idiots! I say that is the nicest possible way. Each one was holding onto pride instead of just admitting how they felt. I know from personal experience that you could miss out on something great that way. But it happened after the birth of their daughter. In the delivery room it just all came out, literally. Neither of them believe in marriage, so they are together and just figuring out how to make it work. Perry moved his career with National Geographic to a more domestic level and Dani's catering business is in high demand. They are quite the power couple.
Q: Don't think I didn't catch that little comment about missing out on something great. Were you referring to Lauren?
Are you really going to make me answer that? She's with the better man and I accept that. At the end of the day all I want is for her to be happy.
Q: Okay, okay I won't push. We haven't talked about Tyler yet. How's he fairing up?
He's been sober for several years now. And out of all the successes my friends have had over the years I have to say Tyler's sobriety is by far the most impressive in my opinion. And that foundation for at risk you he started a few years ago has really taken off. He refuses to use his families money and you know how well off the Fazio's are, the foundation is completely run on grants, donations, and through fundraising efforts. He feels that if he can prevent one kid from traveling that dark road he did then it's all worth it.
Q: There's more to that story though. Wasn't part of the reason Tyler started that program because of his sister?
(shakes his head) Natalia. For someone so destructive, many good things have come about because of her. And I may be a little biased here, but I think the best of them was my beautiful little angel Mia.
Q: That's right, you're a single dad with a very lucrative banking career.
I don't know about 'very lucrative career', I do alright for myself. I mean when I compare myself to Lauren starting her own national magazine, Caleb's architectural restoration business, Dani's catering company, Perry's National Geographic career, and Tyler's foundation...I really am the slacker just like I was in high school. Mia, seven years old now, is my big success. She's smart, sweet, and a well rounded child despite having not one but two crazies for parents. My mom teases me that she'll put me through way much more than I put her through, but I don't think the world could handle the second coming of Reed Hunter.
Q: Is it too touchy to ask how the newly weds are doing?
No, not at all since they're both two of my closest friends. Well it's been a couple of years, but they are very very happy. Fertility problems and all they had a very successful treatment of in-vitro after many attempts of course and are the proud parents of twins: a boy named Shamus after Caleb's late father and a girl named Elisabeth.
Caleb makes sure to work local jobs in order to be home evening and weekends with his family. Lauren travels to NYC once a month to oversea her magazine, but mostly she runs things from her satellite office at home. Lauren is for the most part a stay at home mom who even watches Mia after school. Mia is so infatuated with the babies she started asking me about giving her a brother or sister.
Q: She is? Well, what's going on with you on the romantic front these days?
There is someone, but I don't kiss and tell anymore. We're taking it as it comes and we'll see where it goes. And before you comment this is not about me being a commitment phobe it's honestly not like that. I'm a father now and I need to make sure the lady will fit into both of our lives before I make anything permanent.
I think that wraps it up for now....maybe one of these days I'll actually finish writing the sequel.
Neurotic Dating
After a string of unsuccessful attempts at finding a relationship through sex Carly decided to pledge a vow of celibacy until her heart caught up with her hormones. All her girlfriends thought she was crazy to deny herself the simple joys of self pleasure while waiting for her "prince", but Carly felt this was the only way to break the self destructive pattern: like a guy, sleep with the guy, guy turns into an asshole.
Much to everyones' surprise she managed to keep this up for eight months, that is until she met Gavin. And don't think during those eight months she didn't have a few opportunities to stray because she definitely did. It wasn't always easy to listen to her head instead of her hormones as history would prove. Sex was often like a drug that lifted you to euphoric levels during with a hard crash and emptiness afterwards. Sure there were times she was jonesing for a fix, but the risk just didn't seem worth the reward anymore.
Carly had never done the whole online dating thing before and curiosity got the better of her just like it had countless times before. She refused to use a site she had to pay for because she feared nothing would materialize out of it and that would just be money wasted she could have spent on shoes. It is never a tragedy in Carly's opinion to blow money on a cute pair of wedges.
Anyways back to this Gavin guy. It started out innocently via email through the online dating site. A couple of days later it progressed to texting. After a couple more days they were having all night phone chats. At the one week mark they decided to meet up at a local diner to grab a bite to eat. To her pleasant surprise Gavin was even better looking in person than in his photos. Carly had heard numerous horror stories from friends about how the opposite was usually true.
Just like all the previous conversations, this one flowed quite nicely with much flirting. Carly found herself in a very familiar situation back at her place in bed with Gavin. She had told herself repeatedly that if anything were to happy it would stay PG 13: brief nudity with some profanity. The reality was lots of profanity during some hot steamy sex. He kept telling her she was beautiful and sexy, things she hardly ever believes about herself, and she devoured his words with a fierce hunger.
They got together two more times over the following week, each time leading to passionate naked play. She was not so secretly hoping that even though her actions were the same, maybe the outcome would be different. Maybe he would be different. Obviously this was a conversation she had had with herself countless times before and it had never turned out in her favor. But things with Gavin were looking promising...that is until she mentioned that they were dating.
Dating can cover a wide spectrum of scenerios from two people taht hang out and fool around to a couple on the verge of marriage. Carly meant the former situation, but Gavin must have interpreted otherwise and hence the cold front. Why do people make grossly incorrect assumptions instead of just boldly asking someone what they meant? The world may never know.
Previously Gavin had been texting and calling her on a regular basis, but then things changed. He would no longer initiate texts and his responses became one worded. She was conflicted if she should say something or not, she always seemed to make the wrong choice when a something like this came her way. Finally after a week of weirdness she called him to figure out what went wrong.
She could hear the hesitation in his voice before he came right out and said that he didn't like the fact that she used the word "dating". It made him feel uncomfortable and rushed when he was under the impression they were just taking things one day at a time and seeing where things went. He said girls always make sex mean so much more than it does and while he liked Carly maybe they should take a step back and just be friends.
It would have been easy for Carly to get stuck up in her head like she always did and psycho-analyze just where things went wrong, but she was done with being that girl. If he wanted to take a step back then she would. She stopped immediately responding to his texts. She stopped asking him to hang out. And she focused her energies on other pursuits. While she didn't regret sleeping with him, her body craved that release, she didn't want to try to convince someone to like her. Isn't that what dating is anyways? Whatever, she was over men who acted like little boys when a real woman came along. Clearly they were on very different pages. (at least this was what she told herself to soften the blow to her ego)
Time passed, a few months. Carly wasn't really dating anyone and she was okay with that, not thrilled to be single, but okay. Gavin had gradually begun texting her on a fairly regular basis again once enough time had passed for him to get over himself and realize that Carly wasn't trying to trap him into matrimony. They even had a few laughs over the whole misunderstanding. He called himself a "perpetually paranoid person that often gets stuck in his own head." Carly thought to herself, me too.
He awkwardly cleared his throat, "Would you like to go out sometime?"
"Like before?"
"No, an actual date this time. I want to give this a chance if you're still willing to."
"We've already been down this road. Things will be going great and then you'll freak out on me."
He laughed, "Hey I am a neurotic guy, what can I say? I promise to work on that if you promise to be a little more patient throughout the process."
You'll have to tune in next time to see what Carly did....
Much to everyones' surprise she managed to keep this up for eight months, that is until she met Gavin. And don't think during those eight months she didn't have a few opportunities to stray because she definitely did. It wasn't always easy to listen to her head instead of her hormones as history would prove. Sex was often like a drug that lifted you to euphoric levels during with a hard crash and emptiness afterwards. Sure there were times she was jonesing for a fix, but the risk just didn't seem worth the reward anymore.
Carly had never done the whole online dating thing before and curiosity got the better of her just like it had countless times before. She refused to use a site she had to pay for because she feared nothing would materialize out of it and that would just be money wasted she could have spent on shoes. It is never a tragedy in Carly's opinion to blow money on a cute pair of wedges.
Anyways back to this Gavin guy. It started out innocently via email through the online dating site. A couple of days later it progressed to texting. After a couple more days they were having all night phone chats. At the one week mark they decided to meet up at a local diner to grab a bite to eat. To her pleasant surprise Gavin was even better looking in person than in his photos. Carly had heard numerous horror stories from friends about how the opposite was usually true.
Just like all the previous conversations, this one flowed quite nicely with much flirting. Carly found herself in a very familiar situation back at her place in bed with Gavin. She had told herself repeatedly that if anything were to happy it would stay PG 13: brief nudity with some profanity. The reality was lots of profanity during some hot steamy sex. He kept telling her she was beautiful and sexy, things she hardly ever believes about herself, and she devoured his words with a fierce hunger.
They got together two more times over the following week, each time leading to passionate naked play. She was not so secretly hoping that even though her actions were the same, maybe the outcome would be different. Maybe he would be different. Obviously this was a conversation she had had with herself countless times before and it had never turned out in her favor. But things with Gavin were looking promising...that is until she mentioned that they were dating.
Dating can cover a wide spectrum of scenerios from two people taht hang out and fool around to a couple on the verge of marriage. Carly meant the former situation, but Gavin must have interpreted otherwise and hence the cold front. Why do people make grossly incorrect assumptions instead of just boldly asking someone what they meant? The world may never know.
Previously Gavin had been texting and calling her on a regular basis, but then things changed. He would no longer initiate texts and his responses became one worded. She was conflicted if she should say something or not, she always seemed to make the wrong choice when a something like this came her way. Finally after a week of weirdness she called him to figure out what went wrong.
She could hear the hesitation in his voice before he came right out and said that he didn't like the fact that she used the word "dating". It made him feel uncomfortable and rushed when he was under the impression they were just taking things one day at a time and seeing where things went. He said girls always make sex mean so much more than it does and while he liked Carly maybe they should take a step back and just be friends.
It would have been easy for Carly to get stuck up in her head like she always did and psycho-analyze just where things went wrong, but she was done with being that girl. If he wanted to take a step back then she would. She stopped immediately responding to his texts. She stopped asking him to hang out. And she focused her energies on other pursuits. While she didn't regret sleeping with him, her body craved that release, she didn't want to try to convince someone to like her. Isn't that what dating is anyways? Whatever, she was over men who acted like little boys when a real woman came along. Clearly they were on very different pages. (at least this was what she told herself to soften the blow to her ego)
Time passed, a few months. Carly wasn't really dating anyone and she was okay with that, not thrilled to be single, but okay. Gavin had gradually begun texting her on a fairly regular basis again once enough time had passed for him to get over himself and realize that Carly wasn't trying to trap him into matrimony. They even had a few laughs over the whole misunderstanding. He called himself a "perpetually paranoid person that often gets stuck in his own head." Carly thought to herself, me too.
He awkwardly cleared his throat, "Would you like to go out sometime?"
"Like before?"
"No, an actual date this time. I want to give this a chance if you're still willing to."
"We've already been down this road. Things will be going great and then you'll freak out on me."
He laughed, "Hey I am a neurotic guy, what can I say? I promise to work on that if you promise to be a little more patient throughout the process."
You'll have to tune in next time to see what Carly did....
New Attitude
I am pretty sure I have admitted this before, but I completely suck at dating. There must be people out there outside of the fictional world that actually get this stuff and if there are I sincerely hope I run into one so they can become my Yoda.
Some guys much like my shower run hot one minute and then completely cold the next. They like you, tell you they think you're amazing, and then disappear. This has happened to me before because I was too aggressive, too sexual, too friendly, too honest. The point is I always seemed to be a bit too much of something that said guy couldn't handle.
I know I am supposed to play it cool and let the guy chase me for a little bit, but I believe I also previously stated that I don't play games. It's a waste of everyone's time. If I like someone I am not afraid to tell them and in most cases pursue them. Why is this such a foreign concept to so many people? There are certain girls I personally know that barely end one relationship/fling/fuck buddy situation and already have the next person lined up. What's their secret? Better yet maybe I don't want to know.
Much like with my friendships, I tend to be very compassionate and patient about certain perceived short comings in the other person. It is rare this same courtesy is extended to me. Yes I am a quirky somewhat neurotic person. Believe me I have been working hard at smoothing out some edges, but honestly I'm not looking to completely rewrite my personality because some of these quirks are essential to who I am. And someone who can't accept all of me doesn't deserve any of me.
So this last person that shall remain unnamed is super interested one minute and then not the next. We have amazing phone conversations, then I don't hear from him. We'll be texting and he'll just stop...He'll say he likes me and can't wait to hang out again but then weirds out when I try to make plans with him. If I mention the words "date" or "dating" he clams up and assumes I want us to get married or something. Don't flatter yourself. I've been deliberately single because I am being choosy about who I eventually end up in a relationship with and at this right it most likely won't be you.
Maybe it's that whole evolution thing happening again, but I know what I deserve and what I don't. While I don't want a boyfriend/serious relationship anytime soon I do like the idea of spending time with someone and getting to know them. I don't like feeling like I am the one making all the moves or putting in most of the effort. That's an old pattern of mine I don't intend to revive.
This is me seeing and saying what good friends have been telling me for years: I am smart, beautiful, funny, and sweet. Do I have flaws? Absolutely, but I finally see myself as so much more than those flaws and the right guy will too. In the past I would have settled for sitting by my phone waiting for some guy to text/call me, well not anymore. If he doesn't see a good thing in front of him then that is him, NOT me.
Some of you are reading this thinking "Finally Laura, you're starting to get it!" It may take me a while, but eventually it sinks in. It's like that movie He's Just Not That Into You, if a guy wants to make it happen then he will and if he doesn't then he won't. I'm looking for a guy who wants to make things happen with me. Until then I am fine living my life and doing my own thing.
Some guys much like my shower run hot one minute and then completely cold the next. They like you, tell you they think you're amazing, and then disappear. This has happened to me before because I was too aggressive, too sexual, too friendly, too honest. The point is I always seemed to be a bit too much of something that said guy couldn't handle.
I know I am supposed to play it cool and let the guy chase me for a little bit, but I believe I also previously stated that I don't play games. It's a waste of everyone's time. If I like someone I am not afraid to tell them and in most cases pursue them. Why is this such a foreign concept to so many people? There are certain girls I personally know that barely end one relationship/fling/fuck buddy situation and already have the next person lined up. What's their secret? Better yet maybe I don't want to know.
Much like with my friendships, I tend to be very compassionate and patient about certain perceived short comings in the other person. It is rare this same courtesy is extended to me. Yes I am a quirky somewhat neurotic person. Believe me I have been working hard at smoothing out some edges, but honestly I'm not looking to completely rewrite my personality because some of these quirks are essential to who I am. And someone who can't accept all of me doesn't deserve any of me.
So this last person that shall remain unnamed is super interested one minute and then not the next. We have amazing phone conversations, then I don't hear from him. We'll be texting and he'll just stop...He'll say he likes me and can't wait to hang out again but then weirds out when I try to make plans with him. If I mention the words "date" or "dating" he clams up and assumes I want us to get married or something. Don't flatter yourself. I've been deliberately single because I am being choosy about who I eventually end up in a relationship with and at this right it most likely won't be you.
Maybe it's that whole evolution thing happening again, but I know what I deserve and what I don't. While I don't want a boyfriend/serious relationship anytime soon I do like the idea of spending time with someone and getting to know them. I don't like feeling like I am the one making all the moves or putting in most of the effort. That's an old pattern of mine I don't intend to revive.
This is me seeing and saying what good friends have been telling me for years: I am smart, beautiful, funny, and sweet. Do I have flaws? Absolutely, but I finally see myself as so much more than those flaws and the right guy will too. In the past I would have settled for sitting by my phone waiting for some guy to text/call me, well not anymore. If he doesn't see a good thing in front of him then that is him, NOT me.
Some of you are reading this thinking "Finally Laura, you're starting to get it!" It may take me a while, but eventually it sinks in. It's like that movie He's Just Not That Into You, if a guy wants to make it happen then he will and if he doesn't then he won't. I'm looking for a guy who wants to make things happen with me. Until then I am fine living my life and doing my own thing.
Drug Induced Insanity
More from our friend JJ
Someone pseudo famous once said that when life is going well somehow it manages to pull a sneak attack and fuck you over. Although I am sure it was in some pop song that put it much more delicately, but the point is still the same. In my case I was on my way to work when some asshole came from my left, ran a red light, and slammed into me. At the moment life shouted "Fuck you JJ!"
It's not that I don't know how to ask for help, I just don't need it most of the time. I guess if I were one of the seven deadly sins I would most likely be Pride. Often people get lazy and have a tendency to over rely on others. While in my case I prefer to do the exact opposite. JJ can pay her own bills, change her car's tires and oil, and take care of herself when she's sick or injured. If you want to call me stubborn that's just fine by me since I believe I already explained more than once I couldn't give two shits what you think about me. I happen to consider myself an independent woman and don't you dare start singing that lame Destiny's Child song. Stop it! Seriously, pop music and JJ don't mix.
When I woke up in the hospital to see Brendan sitting by my bedside I was not overwhelmed with gratefulness, rather annoyance. Even a major car accident can't get me some privacy. I like "me time". Too bad hospital rooms don't have a Do Not Disurb Sign to hang on the door. If I'm dying some machine will start beeping to let everyone know, so unless that happens just leave me be.
"What are you doing here?" unfortunately my voice was hoarse which meant my true tone didn't come across the way I wanted it to.
He smiled, "Came to make sure you were okay."
"Well now you've seen me, so now you can go."
He smiled, "Oh JJ you know very well you're bitchiness isn't going to drive me away. I've been dealing with it for far too long and built up a strong immunity against it. Also seeing as how you're in no shape to forcibly remove me, you'll just have to suck it up and deal."
"Brendon if you know me so well then you know I don't do things I don't want to ever. If I want you gone then I'll make it happen."
He shrugged, "Fair enough. By the way the only reason your mom isn't here is because I promised her that I would look after you, but if you'd prefer her here I can make that happen."
Damn, he's good. The mother threat is like my kryptonite. Remember my dad used the same method when I got suspended from school? Well more than a decade later it still works. Brendon or my mom? My hand had been forced. I didn't like to make a habit of seceding, so I went for an abrupt topic change instead.
"How's my car?"
"Totalled."
"What?! How am I supposed to get to work?"
"JJ you're not going anywhere. You have a broken leg, fractured collar bone, cracked ribs, and a mild concussion. You'll be on bed rest for at least a month."
Are you surprised I was more upset about the car than my personal injuries? That car was my baby and fully paid off too. You know that excited sense of independence teenagers get as soon as they get their license? Well that never wore off for me. I don't do public transportation. My car gave me the ability to get where I wanted when I wanted how I wanted. And I would be re missed to say it held fond memories of some vehicular sex too. Unlike just about everything else in my life, my car held sentimental value to me.
Brendon took some personal time off from work and stayed with me on my couch while I took the slow as ass road to recovery. It was embarrassing that he had to help me do everything; I felt like such an invalid being spoon fed and bathed. You know I fought him every step of the way too that is when I wasn't completely doped up on pain killers. Those were nice by the way, like really good weed but legal. It sent me places I can't even begin to describe to you.
According to Brendon I wasn't quite acting like myself. He accused me of saying some weird shit like "thank you", "You're so wonderful", "Let's cuddle", and the worst of all by far "I love you." I have never told anyone I loved them before, I mean maybe my parents when I was too young to know any better, but I don't say those words EVER. If I did happen I am claiming drug induced insanity.
Someone pseudo famous once said that when life is going well somehow it manages to pull a sneak attack and fuck you over. Although I am sure it was in some pop song that put it much more delicately, but the point is still the same. In my case I was on my way to work when some asshole came from my left, ran a red light, and slammed into me. At the moment life shouted "Fuck you JJ!"
It's not that I don't know how to ask for help, I just don't need it most of the time. I guess if I were one of the seven deadly sins I would most likely be Pride. Often people get lazy and have a tendency to over rely on others. While in my case I prefer to do the exact opposite. JJ can pay her own bills, change her car's tires and oil, and take care of herself when she's sick or injured. If you want to call me stubborn that's just fine by me since I believe I already explained more than once I couldn't give two shits what you think about me. I happen to consider myself an independent woman and don't you dare start singing that lame Destiny's Child song. Stop it! Seriously, pop music and JJ don't mix.
When I woke up in the hospital to see Brendan sitting by my bedside I was not overwhelmed with gratefulness, rather annoyance. Even a major car accident can't get me some privacy. I like "me time". Too bad hospital rooms don't have a Do Not Disurb Sign to hang on the door. If I'm dying some machine will start beeping to let everyone know, so unless that happens just leave me be.
"What are you doing here?" unfortunately my voice was hoarse which meant my true tone didn't come across the way I wanted it to.
He smiled, "Came to make sure you were okay."
"Well now you've seen me, so now you can go."
He smiled, "Oh JJ you know very well you're bitchiness isn't going to drive me away. I've been dealing with it for far too long and built up a strong immunity against it. Also seeing as how you're in no shape to forcibly remove me, you'll just have to suck it up and deal."
"Brendon if you know me so well then you know I don't do things I don't want to ever. If I want you gone then I'll make it happen."
He shrugged, "Fair enough. By the way the only reason your mom isn't here is because I promised her that I would look after you, but if you'd prefer her here I can make that happen."
Damn, he's good. The mother threat is like my kryptonite. Remember my dad used the same method when I got suspended from school? Well more than a decade later it still works. Brendon or my mom? My hand had been forced. I didn't like to make a habit of seceding, so I went for an abrupt topic change instead.
"How's my car?"
"Totalled."
"What?! How am I supposed to get to work?"
"JJ you're not going anywhere. You have a broken leg, fractured collar bone, cracked ribs, and a mild concussion. You'll be on bed rest for at least a month."
Are you surprised I was more upset about the car than my personal injuries? That car was my baby and fully paid off too. You know that excited sense of independence teenagers get as soon as they get their license? Well that never wore off for me. I don't do public transportation. My car gave me the ability to get where I wanted when I wanted how I wanted. And I would be re missed to say it held fond memories of some vehicular sex too. Unlike just about everything else in my life, my car held sentimental value to me.
Brendon took some personal time off from work and stayed with me on my couch while I took the slow as ass road to recovery. It was embarrassing that he had to help me do everything; I felt like such an invalid being spoon fed and bathed. You know I fought him every step of the way too that is when I wasn't completely doped up on pain killers. Those were nice by the way, like really good weed but legal. It sent me places I can't even begin to describe to you.
According to Brendon I wasn't quite acting like myself. He accused me of saying some weird shit like "thank you", "You're so wonderful", "Let's cuddle", and the worst of all by far "I love you." I have never told anyone I loved them before, I mean maybe my parents when I was too young to know any better, but I don't say those words EVER. If I did happen I am claiming drug induced insanity.
115 N Holmes St: Learning to Drive
This is from Maggie's perspective
When I first moved up to Albany I was asked so many times why I didn't know how to drive. People in the suburbs don't get that people in the city don't need to drive and actually most of us don't. Where having a car is a basic necessity in suburbia, in the city it can be more of a hassle with all the traffic and limited parking. And insurance prices, forget about it.
For the most part I managed to do just fine without my own transport. Albany has a pretty decent bus system that can get me to most places I need to go. On the occasion it doesn't I know someone who is willing to get me there or I can spring for a cab. Thankfully the latter doesn't happen to often. Adapting to survive has become one of my biggest strengths over the years.
Yet who would have thought at 63 years old I'd be learning how to drive? You're probably wondering what's even the point to start now. Well it's something I wanted to do for me mostly to see if I could. They say "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" and I say a stubborn old Puerto Rican Dog can learn anything it wants to.
I know that both Mike and Daphne would have been more than willing to help me out, but it was Louwin I approached. To be completely honest I had ulterior motives of getting to know her a little better. I remember when I first moved up to the Albany area and how disconnected I felt when I started that job with the house keeping business. It's not easy being the new kid and feeling like the odd one out. And I know how consumed Mike and Daphne are with their owns lives right now, let me be the one to extend the olive branch.
To my pleasant surprise Louwin was very excited to go on this little adventure with me. She suggested we use the visitor parking lots over at SUNY. She was both patient and encouraging with me. Someday if she decides to be a mother these traits will go a long way. My arrangement with Louwin became the same bartering system everyone else in the house uses: teach me to drive, I'll teach her some cooking skills. The poor girl only knows sandwiches and instant just add water type of meals. I may handle dinner, but she's lost for breakfast and lunch.
While washing vegetables one night Louwin declared, "Mike hates me."
I put my hand on her shoulder, "No sweetheart, he does not hate you he just does not know you. Give it time. All friends start out as strangers."
Her shoulders slumped. Maybe it's just me, but I never understood this great need for someone to seek validation in others. You should seek it in yourself. Some people, usually younger people, carry the weight of the world on their shoulders unnecessarily. I guess that is age and experience though.
After a minute of chopping peppers I added, "You should talk to him, find out his story. Daphne too."
Louwin spun on her heals with a grin on her face. "What is your story Maggie?"
When I first moved up to Albany I was asked so many times why I didn't know how to drive. People in the suburbs don't get that people in the city don't need to drive and actually most of us don't. Where having a car is a basic necessity in suburbia, in the city it can be more of a hassle with all the traffic and limited parking. And insurance prices, forget about it.
For the most part I managed to do just fine without my own transport. Albany has a pretty decent bus system that can get me to most places I need to go. On the occasion it doesn't I know someone who is willing to get me there or I can spring for a cab. Thankfully the latter doesn't happen to often. Adapting to survive has become one of my biggest strengths over the years.
Yet who would have thought at 63 years old I'd be learning how to drive? You're probably wondering what's even the point to start now. Well it's something I wanted to do for me mostly to see if I could. They say "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" and I say a stubborn old Puerto Rican Dog can learn anything it wants to.
I know that both Mike and Daphne would have been more than willing to help me out, but it was Louwin I approached. To be completely honest I had ulterior motives of getting to know her a little better. I remember when I first moved up to the Albany area and how disconnected I felt when I started that job with the house keeping business. It's not easy being the new kid and feeling like the odd one out. And I know how consumed Mike and Daphne are with their owns lives right now, let me be the one to extend the olive branch.
To my pleasant surprise Louwin was very excited to go on this little adventure with me. She suggested we use the visitor parking lots over at SUNY. She was both patient and encouraging with me. Someday if she decides to be a mother these traits will go a long way. My arrangement with Louwin became the same bartering system everyone else in the house uses: teach me to drive, I'll teach her some cooking skills. The poor girl only knows sandwiches and instant just add water type of meals. I may handle dinner, but she's lost for breakfast and lunch.
While washing vegetables one night Louwin declared, "Mike hates me."
I put my hand on her shoulder, "No sweetheart, he does not hate you he just does not know you. Give it time. All friends start out as strangers."
Her shoulders slumped. Maybe it's just me, but I never understood this great need for someone to seek validation in others. You should seek it in yourself. Some people, usually younger people, carry the weight of the world on their shoulders unnecessarily. I guess that is age and experience though.
After a minute of chopping peppers I added, "You should talk to him, find out his story. Daphne too."
Louwin spun on her heals with a grin on her face. "What is your story Maggie?"
OKCupid not so ok
Here's another edition of "Adventures in Online Dating". As a joke/out of curiosity Rita signed me up for Okcupid which is a free site. If I'm going to face rejection, why pay for it? Honestly I was expecting the same lack of interest I had experienced on the paid sites, but that was not the case. In the world of Okcupid there is always a full moon and the crazies run amok.
Here are some of the gems that approached me:
I'm 18 years old and looking for cougars. You are freakin hot! Hit me up sometime.
No thanks
Hey Ma what's good? You lookin' fine as hell. Curvy women do it best. Holla at yo boy
People like this need to be removed from the gene pool
Thirty fives years old, don't have a full time job right now because I like to dedicate as much time to LARPING as possible and working would get in the way of that. I live in my parent's basement, so if you come over you'd get to meet them right away! I am fluent in the romantic language of Klingon. Live long and prosper baby!
This one was real hard to resist, yet somehow I managed.
Hobbies include playing football, watching football, talking about football. I'm actually in college right now studying sports so I can become a football coach. I like movies about football, books about football, and created a meet-up group to play flag football. Most of my wardrobe consists of football jerseys. I am real well rounded individual with many interests. Look forward to hearing from you.
Um....yeah...no...WTF?!
Recreational drug user looking for someone to have some good casual sex with. Don't want a relationship unless it's an open relationship. P.S. I have a pet cat who rocks!
While I admire his openness I think I'll pass
So I am trying to decide what is worse: the lack of responses from quality men or the abundant responses from the weirdos? The above were just few examples as my inbox is overflowing with emails just like these. Oye me.
Here are some of the gems that approached me:
I'm 18 years old and looking for cougars. You are freakin hot! Hit me up sometime.
No thanks
Hey Ma what's good? You lookin' fine as hell. Curvy women do it best. Holla at yo boy
People like this need to be removed from the gene pool
Thirty fives years old, don't have a full time job right now because I like to dedicate as much time to LARPING as possible and working would get in the way of that. I live in my parent's basement, so if you come over you'd get to meet them right away! I am fluent in the romantic language of Klingon. Live long and prosper baby!
This one was real hard to resist, yet somehow I managed.
Hobbies include playing football, watching football, talking about football. I'm actually in college right now studying sports so I can become a football coach. I like movies about football, books about football, and created a meet-up group to play flag football. Most of my wardrobe consists of football jerseys. I am real well rounded individual with many interests. Look forward to hearing from you.
Um....yeah...no...WTF?!
Recreational drug user looking for someone to have some good casual sex with. Don't want a relationship unless it's an open relationship. P.S. I have a pet cat who rocks!
While I admire his openness I think I'll pass
So I am trying to decide what is worse: the lack of responses from quality men or the abundant responses from the weirdos? The above were just few examples as my inbox is overflowing with emails just like these. Oye me.
Nick, Katie, and Charlie: One Year Later
Charlie:
I still send post cards with music lyrics to Nick. At the risk of sounding like a complete chick I miss him. And although we never had the most solid relationship, he was the closest thing to a brother I had. Sometimes distance is the best thing you can do for a relationship. While I don't regret following my heart with Katie, I do regret that Nick got hurt in the process. But we both have to pick up the pieces and move on to wherever our journey may take us.
It was at some dive bar in Savannah, GA where chance met opportunity. I was staring at a blank piece of paper in my notebook desperately trying to find my next blog inspiration when the smooth sound of Failed Optimism sailed into my ears. It was a concept beyond me how people of my generation can not only understand but produce the intimate soul that jazz is all about. Sure we know Pop, Rock, and other diluted genres where the artists focus more on dollar signs and air play then the actual art of making music, but Jazz? Sadly most music has become noise these days.
The best way, in my opinion, to appreciate jazz is with your eyes shut. Let the cool undertones run through the pulse of your body. Don't just listen to the story, open your ears and really hear it. A slight smile was playing upon my face when my waitress interupted my thoughts.
"Everything okay?"
I explained how my latest muse had found me. We chatted for a bit. She went to college part time while working full time to pay for it. I was kind of floating by figuring things out while blogging about the randomness of life. She asked for my blog address. Then we parted ways.
You know how these things go. She liked my blog about the band and told some of her friends. Those friends in turn told some of their friends. And the ball kept rolling. About a month later I received a tentative job offer from a magazine based out of NY. They wanted to pay me to blog on their site about music. Are you freakin kidding me? This job would involve some travel, mostly on the east coast. It's funny how life works out sometimes. I had been given an opportunity that combined two of my biggest passions: travel and music.
Katie was completely supportive. But we both agreed she shouldn't come along with me, instead it was best she stay grounded in Savannah. She had an adventure of her own she was working on.
Katie:
For quite some time I had been this lost little girl and I think part of me had just assumed that's how it was always going to be. Unfortunately I didn't have that one thing I was passionate about, that was until Jacob came into my life. Then I just knew that this was what I had been waiting for all along.
As much as I care about Charlie, things just didn't work out between us romantically. It wasn't for lack of trying, but eventually things just fizzled out and we realized we were much better off as very close friends. I don't regret my choice to give things a shot with him because at least now I know and not knowing can completely gnaw at you. And if it weren't for Charlie I wouldn't have ended up in Savannah.
Savannah is one of those amazing cities so rich in history you can't help but get immersed in it all. You can imagine how excited I was when I got an entry level clerk job with the Savannah Conservative League Preservation Society. (Yeah say that ten times fast.) Our main purpose is to secure grants in order to preserve old buildings and then hopefully get them recognized as historic landmarks. Lots of research, lots of leg work, and lots of unknown variables. Not too long ago I would have been scared by such an unstructured work atmosphere, now I am thriving.
Okay, okay. I know you're all wondering about this Jacob fellow. First of all it's not what you think. Shortly after Charlie and I ran off together I discovered I was pregnant. Unfortunately I had been intimate with both Charlie and Nick within the same time period, so to avoid ending up on Maury I had a paternity test discreetly with Charlie. He is not the father, but he agreed to support me every step of the way.
I am well aware you won't agree with my decision and may even hate me for it. I decided not to tell Nick about his son. Nick has been there for me in every possible way since the day we met at Banjo's. Now it's time for him to focus on his own happiness and I don't want to stand in the way of that. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them go.
NICK:
It's not every day you open your heart up to someone and they walk away. At least that doesn't happen on a regular basis to me and thank God for that. It only happened to me the one time and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. Even though it's been a year not a day goes by that I don't think of her. It's the little things I miss like her laugh, her stick figure art, and ice creams sundaes while watching a movie together.
When you love someone that doesn't just go away, but I chose to focus all my energies on my other love, Banjo's. Uncle Tommy was never the same after his heart attack which meant that I stepped up to take things over. It's true this was what I had been working for since I was nine years old it's just that I never expected it to happen so suddenly or so soon. But it was actually kind of perfect timing considering the whole Katie and Charlie situation, if I ever needed a distraction then this was it.
Although my uncle had done an amazing job establishing Banjo's I felt it was my turn to make it my own. Charlie was still sending me those post cards and it got me thinking about live music. I wanted to keep things authentic though, this wasn't some night club. So on the weekends I had local musicians play here. Music had never really been my thing, but it seemed to bring in a different crowd and that was how I met Elena.
Elena is a petite girl with hot pink streaks in her strawberry blond hair. She may be tiny but she has a personality larger than life. Picture Tinkerbelle meets sledgehammer. Yeah, that pretty much sums her up. It's kind of intimidating at times actually. That fateful day she walked into the cafe wearing knee high leather boots over her dark jeans and a denim jacket with patches all over it. Her eyes were covered in glittery eye shadow. It struck me how someone could be so tough yet so soft at the same time. Elena thrust artwork in my face.
"What about the artists?!" She wanted to know.
"Musicians are artists", I argued. But in the end I had once again become powerless over a girl that walked into Banjo's looking for an opportunity. An entire wall became dedicated to local artists.
Elena is not some Katie replacement, nor would I want her to be. But I need to move on with my life and find my own way to happiness. It's a day by day process. I think the only thing that still haunts me is the unknown of if I will ever get my best friend back again.
I still send post cards with music lyrics to Nick. At the risk of sounding like a complete chick I miss him. And although we never had the most solid relationship, he was the closest thing to a brother I had. Sometimes distance is the best thing you can do for a relationship. While I don't regret following my heart with Katie, I do regret that Nick got hurt in the process. But we both have to pick up the pieces and move on to wherever our journey may take us.
It was at some dive bar in Savannah, GA where chance met opportunity. I was staring at a blank piece of paper in my notebook desperately trying to find my next blog inspiration when the smooth sound of Failed Optimism sailed into my ears. It was a concept beyond me how people of my generation can not only understand but produce the intimate soul that jazz is all about. Sure we know Pop, Rock, and other diluted genres where the artists focus more on dollar signs and air play then the actual art of making music, but Jazz? Sadly most music has become noise these days.
The best way, in my opinion, to appreciate jazz is with your eyes shut. Let the cool undertones run through the pulse of your body. Don't just listen to the story, open your ears and really hear it. A slight smile was playing upon my face when my waitress interupted my thoughts.
"Everything okay?"
I explained how my latest muse had found me. We chatted for a bit. She went to college part time while working full time to pay for it. I was kind of floating by figuring things out while blogging about the randomness of life. She asked for my blog address. Then we parted ways.
You know how these things go. She liked my blog about the band and told some of her friends. Those friends in turn told some of their friends. And the ball kept rolling. About a month later I received a tentative job offer from a magazine based out of NY. They wanted to pay me to blog on their site about music. Are you freakin kidding me? This job would involve some travel, mostly on the east coast. It's funny how life works out sometimes. I had been given an opportunity that combined two of my biggest passions: travel and music.
Katie was completely supportive. But we both agreed she shouldn't come along with me, instead it was best she stay grounded in Savannah. She had an adventure of her own she was working on.
Katie:
For quite some time I had been this lost little girl and I think part of me had just assumed that's how it was always going to be. Unfortunately I didn't have that one thing I was passionate about, that was until Jacob came into my life. Then I just knew that this was what I had been waiting for all along.
As much as I care about Charlie, things just didn't work out between us romantically. It wasn't for lack of trying, but eventually things just fizzled out and we realized we were much better off as very close friends. I don't regret my choice to give things a shot with him because at least now I know and not knowing can completely gnaw at you. And if it weren't for Charlie I wouldn't have ended up in Savannah.
Savannah is one of those amazing cities so rich in history you can't help but get immersed in it all. You can imagine how excited I was when I got an entry level clerk job with the Savannah Conservative League Preservation Society. (Yeah say that ten times fast.) Our main purpose is to secure grants in order to preserve old buildings and then hopefully get them recognized as historic landmarks. Lots of research, lots of leg work, and lots of unknown variables. Not too long ago I would have been scared by such an unstructured work atmosphere, now I am thriving.
Okay, okay. I know you're all wondering about this Jacob fellow. First of all it's not what you think. Shortly after Charlie and I ran off together I discovered I was pregnant. Unfortunately I had been intimate with both Charlie and Nick within the same time period, so to avoid ending up on Maury I had a paternity test discreetly with Charlie. He is not the father, but he agreed to support me every step of the way.
I am well aware you won't agree with my decision and may even hate me for it. I decided not to tell Nick about his son. Nick has been there for me in every possible way since the day we met at Banjo's. Now it's time for him to focus on his own happiness and I don't want to stand in the way of that. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them go.
NICK:
It's not every day you open your heart up to someone and they walk away. At least that doesn't happen on a regular basis to me and thank God for that. It only happened to me the one time and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. Even though it's been a year not a day goes by that I don't think of her. It's the little things I miss like her laugh, her stick figure art, and ice creams sundaes while watching a movie together.
When you love someone that doesn't just go away, but I chose to focus all my energies on my other love, Banjo's. Uncle Tommy was never the same after his heart attack which meant that I stepped up to take things over. It's true this was what I had been working for since I was nine years old it's just that I never expected it to happen so suddenly or so soon. But it was actually kind of perfect timing considering the whole Katie and Charlie situation, if I ever needed a distraction then this was it.
Although my uncle had done an amazing job establishing Banjo's I felt it was my turn to make it my own. Charlie was still sending me those post cards and it got me thinking about live music. I wanted to keep things authentic though, this wasn't some night club. So on the weekends I had local musicians play here. Music had never really been my thing, but it seemed to bring in a different crowd and that was how I met Elena.
Elena is a petite girl with hot pink streaks in her strawberry blond hair. She may be tiny but she has a personality larger than life. Picture Tinkerbelle meets sledgehammer. Yeah, that pretty much sums her up. It's kind of intimidating at times actually. That fateful day she walked into the cafe wearing knee high leather boots over her dark jeans and a denim jacket with patches all over it. Her eyes were covered in glittery eye shadow. It struck me how someone could be so tough yet so soft at the same time. Elena thrust artwork in my face.
"What about the artists?!" She wanted to know.
"Musicians are artists", I argued. But in the end I had once again become powerless over a girl that walked into Banjo's looking for an opportunity. An entire wall became dedicated to local artists.
Elena is not some Katie replacement, nor would I want her to be. But I need to move on with my life and find my own way to happiness. It's a day by day process. I think the only thing that still haunts me is the unknown of if I will ever get my best friend back again.
Short, but not so sweet
I met someone, liked him, and it didn't work out. Unfortunately this is kind of a pattern of mine. Now in the past I would psycho analyze it all trying to figure out what I did wrong, but honestly why do I always have to be the one to blame? For the first time I actually believe the old pick me up "it's his loss".
After all the times I have been hurt by guys I was still willing to open myself up to someone new. That is a small victory for me. Maybe not so small actually. And I was willing to take a chance on something that I felt could have been amazing, he was too afraid to go there with me.
There is only one Laura Kaponer out there and she is smart, beautiful, kind, and an all around incredible person. The hopeless/hopeful romantic inside me still says that someday I will meet someone who will see all that and not want to let me go. I just have to be patient and keep living my life until that day comes.
I am hurt, I am disappointed, and I am a little sad. But we all know I have gotten over much bigger upsets and it's only made me stronger in the end.
After all the times I have been hurt by guys I was still willing to open myself up to someone new. That is a small victory for me. Maybe not so small actually. And I was willing to take a chance on something that I felt could have been amazing, he was too afraid to go there with me.
There is only one Laura Kaponer out there and she is smart, beautiful, kind, and an all around incredible person. The hopeless/hopeful romantic inside me still says that someday I will meet someone who will see all that and not want to let me go. I just have to be patient and keep living my life until that day comes.
I am hurt, I am disappointed, and I am a little sad. But we all know I have gotten over much bigger upsets and it's only made me stronger in the end.
Reflection mixed with Confession
Today I turned thirty one years young. I remember last year being an emotional wreck for my birthday despite being surrounded by good people who loved me. This year I am a different person because after a long hard uphill battle I have learned to love myself.
Out of all the people in my life who have hurt me no one has caused greater damage than the damage I have caused myself. The doubt, the verbal abuse, and worst of all the complete lack of respect I had for myself put me in one ugly situation after another with some very questionable characters. If you asked me why I allowed these things to happen I wouldn't be able to pin point it to one day or one person that ingrained in me the low sense of self. In all honesty it was probably many things that led me to believe I was unworthy of a good life.
Many of you know I struggled for nearly two decades with self mutilation. It's unfortunate that the stigma attached to this form of addiction labels someone who suffers from it as some attention seeking adrenaline junky that can stop at any time they want. Most wouldn't say the same for people who suffer from substance abuse or an eating disorder. Addiction is addiction and it comes in many forms. What I would like to point out to people is that unlike something like alcoholism where you can put yourself in situations to avoid alcohol I could never put myself in a place to avoid myself.
If you could understand how many times I tried to reach out for help and was ostracized or made fun of then you would see why this was something that was so hard to walk away from. I internalized EVERYTHING. If someone was mad at me, didn't like me, I didn't get a good grade, was passed over for an opportunity in my mind it meant I was a useless piece of shit. When people were unkind to me I actually believed I had done something to deserve it. And the only way to compensate for that searing emotional pain was to create a physical pain. Physical pain made sense to me because you could see it, clean it, bandage it. How do you fix a broken heart?
My closest friends and family will not agree with me on this one, but I have to thank Jason Andrews for helping me hit rock bottom so I could get the help I needed. It all started with an amazing therapist who taught me to change my perspective; I am not a mutilator, I am someone who used to mutilate. The difference is that I don't wrap up my entire identity in one aspect of something I do. Jason had lost his everything because of his addiction and I knew if I didn't change then someday I might too.
Everyday we have a choice: stay stuck in the past or move forward to the future. I can never go back and change what I did, but I can learn from them to make difference choices for the future. The scars will fade over time, but they will still be there. Unfortunately avoiding my triggers is nearly impossible since life is a trigger. And since I don't plan on living in a bubble I need to be better prepared to jump the hurdles as I come up to them. I know they are coming, I just don't always know when.
I am not powerless against my addiction. It will probably always be my natural instinct to go to that place when life punches me in the gut, but I am strong person and know I can push through anything as long as I believe I can. How can I be so confident after two decades of giving in to something so destructive? That's easy, I finally learned to love myself. And I would never intentionally cause pain to someone I love. Those who know me best know just how true that is.
My New Year's resolution this year was to treat myself with the same love, compassion, and respect I show others. It's sad that it took me such a long time to make that kind of promise to myself. This may sound silly but sometimes I wish I could go back in time to give myself a hug. All along all I ever needed and wanted from life was to be loved and accepted. Oddly enough I was so busy trying to find it in others that I didn't realize who I needed it most from was myself.
Thirty one is going to be my best year yet because I am the best possible version of myself I have ever been.
Out of all the people in my life who have hurt me no one has caused greater damage than the damage I have caused myself. The doubt, the verbal abuse, and worst of all the complete lack of respect I had for myself put me in one ugly situation after another with some very questionable characters. If you asked me why I allowed these things to happen I wouldn't be able to pin point it to one day or one person that ingrained in me the low sense of self. In all honesty it was probably many things that led me to believe I was unworthy of a good life.
Many of you know I struggled for nearly two decades with self mutilation. It's unfortunate that the stigma attached to this form of addiction labels someone who suffers from it as some attention seeking adrenaline junky that can stop at any time they want. Most wouldn't say the same for people who suffer from substance abuse or an eating disorder. Addiction is addiction and it comes in many forms. What I would like to point out to people is that unlike something like alcoholism where you can put yourself in situations to avoid alcohol I could never put myself in a place to avoid myself.
If you could understand how many times I tried to reach out for help and was ostracized or made fun of then you would see why this was something that was so hard to walk away from. I internalized EVERYTHING. If someone was mad at me, didn't like me, I didn't get a good grade, was passed over for an opportunity in my mind it meant I was a useless piece of shit. When people were unkind to me I actually believed I had done something to deserve it. And the only way to compensate for that searing emotional pain was to create a physical pain. Physical pain made sense to me because you could see it, clean it, bandage it. How do you fix a broken heart?
My closest friends and family will not agree with me on this one, but I have to thank Jason Andrews for helping me hit rock bottom so I could get the help I needed. It all started with an amazing therapist who taught me to change my perspective; I am not a mutilator, I am someone who used to mutilate. The difference is that I don't wrap up my entire identity in one aspect of something I do. Jason had lost his everything because of his addiction and I knew if I didn't change then someday I might too.
Everyday we have a choice: stay stuck in the past or move forward to the future. I can never go back and change what I did, but I can learn from them to make difference choices for the future. The scars will fade over time, but they will still be there. Unfortunately avoiding my triggers is nearly impossible since life is a trigger. And since I don't plan on living in a bubble I need to be better prepared to jump the hurdles as I come up to them. I know they are coming, I just don't always know when.
I am not powerless against my addiction. It will probably always be my natural instinct to go to that place when life punches me in the gut, but I am strong person and know I can push through anything as long as I believe I can. How can I be so confident after two decades of giving in to something so destructive? That's easy, I finally learned to love myself. And I would never intentionally cause pain to someone I love. Those who know me best know just how true that is.
My New Year's resolution this year was to treat myself with the same love, compassion, and respect I show others. It's sad that it took me such a long time to make that kind of promise to myself. This may sound silly but sometimes I wish I could go back in time to give myself a hug. All along all I ever needed and wanted from life was to be loved and accepted. Oddly enough I was so busy trying to find it in others that I didn't realize who I needed it most from was myself.
Thirty one is going to be my best year yet because I am the best possible version of myself I have ever been.
My Journey
Most women/girls can get a bit obsessive over the way they look and I am certainly no different. With me my main focus was always and probably always will be my weight. Looking back I always had some extra cushioning and was mercilessly teased for this in my formative years. I watched with envy as girls around me ate whatever they wanted while still maintaining these slender physiques. What was equally annoying were the skinny girls that constantly bitched about how fat they were when it was incredibly obvious they weren't.
For the past two decades I have become what is commonly referred to as the "yo-yo dieter". I lose, then I gain it all back plus a little extra. My biggest successes have been through Weight Watchers when I was 15, then 26, then 28.
At the beginning of 2011 it no longer became some mission about vanity. I was diagnosed with Fatty Liver Disease, early stages, but if not taken care of it would progress to possible cirrhosis in the future. I made some positive changes to my health for a few weeks then resorted back to my old ways because mentally I just wasn't ready to deal with it all. Later in the year I was diagnosed with Re-occurring Colitis.
Think about it Laura. You are only thirty years old and you are destroying your body. The time of making excuses needed to stop. So what if I know other people who are far heavier than me and don't have these issues. They are not me. How many more health issues do I need before I take a serious look at my life and the horrible direction it's heading.
Over the summer both my parents went back to Weight Watchers. They would fill me in every week on their progress and kept trying to convince me that I should go back too. Stubborn as I was I kept saying "maybe" or "eventually" or insert random lame excuse. When I saw them Thanksgiving I was blown away at how amazing they both looked. As they have done countless times before, my parents inspired me.
12/13/11 I rejoined Weight Watchers. This time it would be different because this time I am different. I began planning my meals 1-2 weeks out ahead of time. I gave myself the option to be more flexible on the weekends while staying more regimented during the week. I made the commitment to weigh in EVERY week and attend meetings on a regular basis unless there was some extreme circumstance where I couldn't (massive snowstorm).
This is a promise I made to myself. I am not doing this to attract men, I am not doing this to compete with thinner/better looking people I know, I am not doing this to seek social acceptance. There is one reason alone, I am doing this to give myself the best chance at a long, happy, fulfilling life. Don't I deserve this? The answer seems so obvious even though I have been ignoring it for years.
My heaviest weight peaked around 176 sometime last spring. Needless to say most of my clothes didn't fit me. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin that I had anxiety attacks pretty much on a daily basis. When I officially joined Weight Watchers again I weighed in at 167.4. Eight weeks later I am 156.8, 10.6 pounds down. Thankfully I have lost every week so far, but I know that won't necessarily always be the case. This time around I am setting a reasonable goal of 5 pounds per month. My ultimate goal is around 115 pounds which I should reach around next October. I am also waiting until I am around 150 to start exercising again as my feet are in pretty bad shape from supporting all the extra weight.
I am excited, hopeful, and committed to making this a lifestyle instead of some quick fix.
For the past two decades I have become what is commonly referred to as the "yo-yo dieter". I lose, then I gain it all back plus a little extra. My biggest successes have been through Weight Watchers when I was 15, then 26, then 28.
At the beginning of 2011 it no longer became some mission about vanity. I was diagnosed with Fatty Liver Disease, early stages, but if not taken care of it would progress to possible cirrhosis in the future. I made some positive changes to my health for a few weeks then resorted back to my old ways because mentally I just wasn't ready to deal with it all. Later in the year I was diagnosed with Re-occurring Colitis.
Think about it Laura. You are only thirty years old and you are destroying your body. The time of making excuses needed to stop. So what if I know other people who are far heavier than me and don't have these issues. They are not me. How many more health issues do I need before I take a serious look at my life and the horrible direction it's heading.
Over the summer both my parents went back to Weight Watchers. They would fill me in every week on their progress and kept trying to convince me that I should go back too. Stubborn as I was I kept saying "maybe" or "eventually" or insert random lame excuse. When I saw them Thanksgiving I was blown away at how amazing they both looked. As they have done countless times before, my parents inspired me.
12/13/11 I rejoined Weight Watchers. This time it would be different because this time I am different. I began planning my meals 1-2 weeks out ahead of time. I gave myself the option to be more flexible on the weekends while staying more regimented during the week. I made the commitment to weigh in EVERY week and attend meetings on a regular basis unless there was some extreme circumstance where I couldn't (massive snowstorm).
This is a promise I made to myself. I am not doing this to attract men, I am not doing this to compete with thinner/better looking people I know, I am not doing this to seek social acceptance. There is one reason alone, I am doing this to give myself the best chance at a long, happy, fulfilling life. Don't I deserve this? The answer seems so obvious even though I have been ignoring it for years.
My heaviest weight peaked around 176 sometime last spring. Needless to say most of my clothes didn't fit me. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin that I had anxiety attacks pretty much on a daily basis. When I officially joined Weight Watchers again I weighed in at 167.4. Eight weeks later I am 156.8, 10.6 pounds down. Thankfully I have lost every week so far, but I know that won't necessarily always be the case. This time around I am setting a reasonable goal of 5 pounds per month. My ultimate goal is around 115 pounds which I should reach around next October. I am also waiting until I am around 150 to start exercising again as my feet are in pretty bad shape from supporting all the extra weight.
I am excited, hopeful, and committed to making this a lifestyle instead of some quick fix.
115 N Holmes St: Valentines Day
***Mike's perspective***
I live in a house with three women, none of which I am dating or sleeping with and I have this nagging feeling that I am supposed to do something for Valentine's Day. Not that I would ever hook up with any of them, Maggie is far too old and like a mother to me while the other two are attractive but I prefer NOT to shit where I eat. Never in my life have I done anything for this stupid day unless you count the days when I was in elementary school and the teacher made you do some lame arts and crafts project for your mom. But I'd like to point out that was my mom and there was obvious no romance behind it whatsoever. Flowers? Candy? A hearty pat on the back? I am not exaggerating when I say there is not an ounce of romance in me.
One of the big perks of not being in a relationship is that women won't ever expect anything of me. I tell them up front "You know that sweet guy in all those romantic comedies you bawl your eyes out to? Well I'm not him. I will never be him and if you want him then you better start looking elsewhere." Yet surprisingly with my direct and honest approach there will occasionally be a girl that truly believes I am just presenting her with a challenge; she can break me down and get me to fall madly in love with her. NO NO NO!!!!!
What makes my predicament worse is that all three of these women are some version of single: widowed, divorced, and unattached. There is no other guy around to take the pressure off of me. Someone should do something nice for them especially after all they do for me: Maggie is a sweet mother type that makes the most amazing home cooked meals and Daphne not only gave me a place to live but the free reign to do whatever projects I wanted to around the house. But if I do for them does that mean I have to do for the college brat too?
I'll set the record straight, I do NOT hate Louwin because that would imply I actually gave a shit about her one way or the other and I definitely don't. In all honesty I think the three of us were better off without her, I mean what exactly does she bring to the table? She doesn't cook, doesn't fix things, doesn't even have a pleasant personality. Mostly she just takes up space and gets in the way. But because she's college educated she probably thinks she's superior to all of us. Fuck that. I have no respect for people that have that certain sense of entitlement when most of us have to bust our asses to get the things we have. At least Maggie, Daphne, and me can relate to one another on that level. Louwin not so much.
Because I am a simple guy I decide to leave each lady a single rose with a box of chocolates on their bed the morning of Valentine's Day after they each left for work. Against my better judgement I include Louwin too. Maybe it was my passive aggressive way of showing her that I am the bigger person. Funny thing is when I came back to my room later that night there was a brand new hammer on my bed with a shiny red bow on it. No card, no note, but I knew who it was from. For the first time since I met her that girl she actually managed to put a smile on my face.
Don't read anything into it...
I live in a house with three women, none of which I am dating or sleeping with and I have this nagging feeling that I am supposed to do something for Valentine's Day. Not that I would ever hook up with any of them, Maggie is far too old and like a mother to me while the other two are attractive but I prefer NOT to shit where I eat. Never in my life have I done anything for this stupid day unless you count the days when I was in elementary school and the teacher made you do some lame arts and crafts project for your mom. But I'd like to point out that was my mom and there was obvious no romance behind it whatsoever. Flowers? Candy? A hearty pat on the back? I am not exaggerating when I say there is not an ounce of romance in me.
One of the big perks of not being in a relationship is that women won't ever expect anything of me. I tell them up front "You know that sweet guy in all those romantic comedies you bawl your eyes out to? Well I'm not him. I will never be him and if you want him then you better start looking elsewhere." Yet surprisingly with my direct and honest approach there will occasionally be a girl that truly believes I am just presenting her with a challenge; she can break me down and get me to fall madly in love with her. NO NO NO!!!!!
What makes my predicament worse is that all three of these women are some version of single: widowed, divorced, and unattached. There is no other guy around to take the pressure off of me. Someone should do something nice for them especially after all they do for me: Maggie is a sweet mother type that makes the most amazing home cooked meals and Daphne not only gave me a place to live but the free reign to do whatever projects I wanted to around the house. But if I do for them does that mean I have to do for the college brat too?
I'll set the record straight, I do NOT hate Louwin because that would imply I actually gave a shit about her one way or the other and I definitely don't. In all honesty I think the three of us were better off without her, I mean what exactly does she bring to the table? She doesn't cook, doesn't fix things, doesn't even have a pleasant personality. Mostly she just takes up space and gets in the way. But because she's college educated she probably thinks she's superior to all of us. Fuck that. I have no respect for people that have that certain sense of entitlement when most of us have to bust our asses to get the things we have. At least Maggie, Daphne, and me can relate to one another on that level. Louwin not so much.
Because I am a simple guy I decide to leave each lady a single rose with a box of chocolates on their bed the morning of Valentine's Day after they each left for work. Against my better judgement I include Louwin too. Maybe it was my passive aggressive way of showing her that I am the bigger person. Funny thing is when I came back to my room later that night there was a brand new hammer on my bed with a shiny red bow on it. No card, no note, but I knew who it was from. For the first time since I met her that girl she actually managed to put a smile on my face.
Don't read anything into it...
The Apology Contradiction
Apologies Are Hard. If you are the one apologizing it can be difficult to swallow your pride and admit you were wrong. There's always the risk that you end up looking like a complete fool especially if that other person chooses not to forgive you. If you are the one being apologized to sometimes there's an issue of a broken trust and whether or not it can be repaired.
Apologies Are Easy. At the end of the day they are just two simple words that some people think have the magical power to erase the hurt, grief, and embarrassment they caused someone else. Sometimes it's easier to just forgive, sweep the troubles underneath the rug, and move on without actually dealing with the issue head on.
January 21st I blogged about someone I considered a friend who abruptly and cruelly ended our friendship. To summarize she told me she no longer wanted to associate with me via text message and then publicly posted very hurtful things about me on Facebook. When I tried to reach out to her she refused my phone calls.
January 30th this same person sent me an email apologizing. She explained that I had in fact done NOTHING wrong. The reason she did what she did was a defense mechanism to push me away by hurting me to keep me from eventually hurting her. Now she wants to repair our friendship.
Here's the thing. I completely understand the concept of being afraid to let people get close to you. I also understand the fear/paranoia of getting hurt based on how people have hurt you in the past. And I can even understand pushing someone away because of these things. What I don't understand is lashing out at someone for those reasons. Can someone please explain this one to me?
Unfortunately I have had countless people in my life hurt me, the vast majority of which have never apologized. To be honest in some cases an apology wouldn't be appropriate for the things that were done. However I guess this crazy little thing called growing up has forced me recently to let go of the past, stop holding useless grudges especially against unimportant people, and no longer harbor the hate/pain in my heart.
I chose to forgive this person, but I will NOT forget what she did. I don't know if the trust will ever be repaired, but I also know I am tired of having "bad blood" with people. I explained we can be friendly at work, but nothing outside of work. The problem is she's trying to pick up right where we left off before the fall out. It's not the same between us and probably won't ever be the same. This is a classic example of "I'm sorry" fixes everything when it clearly doesn't.
It's time to focus on the positive because EVERY negative situation has some positive in it. In this case my ability to forgive isn't a weakness rather it is a strength. As my dad would put it I am evolving.
Apologies Are Easy. At the end of the day they are just two simple words that some people think have the magical power to erase the hurt, grief, and embarrassment they caused someone else. Sometimes it's easier to just forgive, sweep the troubles underneath the rug, and move on without actually dealing with the issue head on.
January 21st I blogged about someone I considered a friend who abruptly and cruelly ended our friendship. To summarize she told me she no longer wanted to associate with me via text message and then publicly posted very hurtful things about me on Facebook. When I tried to reach out to her she refused my phone calls.
January 30th this same person sent me an email apologizing. She explained that I had in fact done NOTHING wrong. The reason she did what she did was a defense mechanism to push me away by hurting me to keep me from eventually hurting her. Now she wants to repair our friendship.
Here's the thing. I completely understand the concept of being afraid to let people get close to you. I also understand the fear/paranoia of getting hurt based on how people have hurt you in the past. And I can even understand pushing someone away because of these things. What I don't understand is lashing out at someone for those reasons. Can someone please explain this one to me?
Unfortunately I have had countless people in my life hurt me, the vast majority of which have never apologized. To be honest in some cases an apology wouldn't be appropriate for the things that were done. However I guess this crazy little thing called growing up has forced me recently to let go of the past, stop holding useless grudges especially against unimportant people, and no longer harbor the hate/pain in my heart.
I chose to forgive this person, but I will NOT forget what she did. I don't know if the trust will ever be repaired, but I also know I am tired of having "bad blood" with people. I explained we can be friendly at work, but nothing outside of work. The problem is she's trying to pick up right where we left off before the fall out. It's not the same between us and probably won't ever be the same. This is a classic example of "I'm sorry" fixes everything when it clearly doesn't.
It's time to focus on the positive because EVERY negative situation has some positive in it. In this case my ability to forgive isn't a weakness rather it is a strength. As my dad would put it I am evolving.
About Me
- ElbieNy25
- "Scars are proof that we were brave enough to fight the battle and strong enough to survive it"-me 2008 Unfortunately/fortunately I have many scars from life, but I'm still here. I've been writing for over twenty years and just recently finished my first manuscript entitled "The Journey". I love peopl; they fascinate me with their stories, quirks, and mysterious ways.