Rising From My Own Ashes (Confessional Tuesday)

June 21st 2010 I told him our marriage was over. I can recognize that a marriage isn't all fields of daisies, but a girl would like a daisy once in a while.

There are two people:

Antonio the friend is amazing. That is the guy I met more than ten years ago at the Denny's on Central Ave. We can talk to each other about anything, make each other laugh, challenge one another at TV trivia, and offer a sympathetic ear after a rough day. He is and always will be my best friend. We created not one, but two beautiful homes together and countless memories.

Antonio the husband was less than amazing. I'm not about to bash him, but let's just say he wasn't THERE for me the way a husband should be. And the biggest issue is that he gave up on us probably about six months into the marriage. He just stopped trying and it takes two to make any relationship work. After a while of fighting all on my own my fire burnt out too.

I am heartbroken and worried that I may never find true love especially since I clearly have no clue as to what it is. I am scared about the next steps i have to take: sell my house, get a higher paying job with health insurance, find a place to live, and learn how to be my own person. I have never had a healthy relationship with myself. I want to stop blaming myself and start loving myself. I want to learn how to be independent while fiercely going after my own dreams. And maybe someday when I am the best possible version of myself I can find someone who will love and appreciate me.

Antonio and I will remain friends. I keep telling people we will be like Bruce and Demi. Part of this break is to salvage our friendship. Mostly this is to save myself. I know I deserve so much more than he could or would give me.

I've cried. I've yelled. I've been numb. Most of all I have been okay. Honestly anyone who knows me knows what a resilient person I am. Life has thrown a lot of ugly shit my way and I'm still standing, so I know I can make it through this too. It's going to take time, money, prayer, patience, and the support of my family and friends but in the end I think I can actually end up better off than I was.

Untitled (Free Flow Friday)

Forever and always had an expiration date
Stuck on the downside of fate
What is love but an illusion leaving me in a state of blinded confusion
Your gentle caress, kind words, and promises were all pretty packaged lies
No longer looking through those rose colored eyes
Hurt me so good in a way I never believed you would
You stole my happily ever after, my smiles, and my laughter
Heart breaking from the years you've taken away from me
Wishing I could travel back to the day we met to stop that first domino from falling down leading to the trail of my biggest regret

What Goes Around Comes Around Unless You're Me (Bitch It Out Thursday)

Promises although not legally binding promises should be taken seriously in my opinion. I keep my promises, but several people around me do not. You know who you are, so I don't need to mention names.

I call people who do not call me back
I make plans with people who stand me up
I am considerate of others who are not considerate of me
I follow and comment on people's blogs who do not do the same for me
I hold up my end of a partnership even when others do not hold up theirs
And the biggest deal of all is that I LOVE people who do not love me back

I deserve better. Why continue to give me people my all when they give me their half-assed sorry pathetic self back? I have serious trust issues, anger issues, and self esteem issues because they people in my life keep dicking me around. If you can't appreciate me for who and what I am then piss off and stop wasting both of our times.

Those who are looking for a loyal, honest, sincere, and real person well here I am.

International Woman of Mystery (Wednesday Nobody Interviews)

This edition is with world traveler and fellow aspiring author Claire Gittens begin_of_the_skype_highlighting     end_of_the_skype_highlighting begin_of_the_skype_highlighting     end_of_the_skype_highlighting. To say I am envious of the places she's been would be a gross understatement.

1. How do we know each other?

We met in a weekly critique group on Writers' Digest Community.

2. Where do you originally come from, where are you now, and where have you been in-between?

I'm from Barbados. Now I live in Japan. I've lived in the US. I've also visited Colombia, Martinique, St. Maarten, Trinidad, Jamaica, Venezuela, India, Australia, Canada, Spain, Portugal, Bermuda, and Hong Kong. I think that's all. OH, Gibraltar.

3. How do you help assimilate into all the different cultures?

I really like languages. So it's very important for me to be able to speak the language when I travel. Also, I like to see the type of tourism that's a little bit off the beaten path. Meet the locals and stuff. Being from a very "tourist-y" country, I know from experience, that what tourists see can be very different from every day life.

4. How did you become such a world traveler especially at such a young age?

From the time I was a kid, I got involved in things that would include travelling. I went to Martinique 3 times on French exchange programs. I went to Bahamas with Girl Guides (you call them Girl Scouts). I went to Jamaica on a university sponsored trip. Ditto for the 6 weeks I spent in Colombia. Bermuda, Portugal, Spain and Gibraltar were all during my time training with the US Coast Guard. (I also got the chance to see 11 US states with the CG.)

5. Is there a method to your madness when it comes to picking your destination or how long you stay there for?

For the ones with groups I was involved in. For the others, sometimes there are places I just really want to go. Like Hawaii, Italy and Greece- none of which I've been to, but all of which I hope to visit some day. Some happen because something comes up. I was feeling all "give-back-y" and then the opportunity to go to India and build houses for Dalits came up. A few times, it's to visit family and friends. Half my family lives in Canada, as does one of my best friends. I also have family in Australia. And sometimes, it's just that I haven't travelled in a while and get a "Hmmm, I feel like going somewhere," feeling. Then I see where I can afford and I'm off.

6. You know what they say "There's no place like home", at least that's what Dorothy said. What do you miss the most about home and how often do you get to go back?

I haven't been back in a year and a half. I miss the culture. We're a small island (166 square miles) and we have our own ways of speaking, our own calendar of special events, even a different education system from the US and Britain (although it's closer to Britain's.) Sometimes, I see something funny and know that only another Barbadian (or at least another Carribean local) would get it. I also miss hearing calypso on the radio :)

7. How does all this travel affect your career aspirations? What are some of the jobs you've held down because of your travels?

I think that my travels helped me get the job I currently do (an English teacher) because one important role we have is to internationalise the students. I've also been a tour guide and a translator on a passenger submarine, both of which had to do with my ability to work with people of different cultures. I've taught both French and Spanish. SomedayI I'd like to work as a UN translator. In between writing novels of course.

8. Where was your favorite destination and why? Your least favorite?

Colombia. I just love the Spanish culture. I love languages so being a foreign language country, it felt like an extra part of me had come alive. Spanish speakers are so much friendlier than French too. India, was my least favourite. It felt like a constant assault on all 5 of my senses. As for India, the food was too spicy, the atmosphere too noisy. And crossing the road safely was an act of God. those videos that go around the net about the madness on Indian roads? They're true!

9. Where do you think you'll be five years from now professionally, personally, and destination wise?

I hope to either be volunteering for the UN in a French or Spanish speaking country - or working for the UN- or doing an MFA Creative Writing w/ Translation, either at Queens in NYC or at Vermont College.

10. And now the cherry on the sundae of all my interviews. If you could be any breakfast cereal, what you be and why?

TRIX! Because Trix are for Kids! And I'm a kid at heart

Turn Out The Lights (Trial & Error Monday)

I had two major new experiences this weekend: reuniting with a friend after fifteen years AND glow-in-the dark mini golf.

Mike is someone I knew in Middle School and High School, but after his freshman/my sophomore year he moved away. It was a Facebook status message that prompted our reunion; after my Rockland trip last weekend I simply put "Back in the 518" upon my return. Mike responded that he was in the same area code, but this is a huge area, the capital district of NY to be exact so we could have been more than an hour apart. Turns out Mike lives less than 10 minutes from me!

There was an attempt to hang out last Thursday that didn't work out and honestly Saturday almost didn't work out either. But when we got together I met his lovely mom, his dog that I swear is part Mastodon, and "adult" Mike.

He whooped my ass so bad in mini golf beating me by more than twenty strokes. I joked that had this been a date he would have totally screwed up. I looooove mini golf and always get a hole-in-one once each time I play. But this was probably my worst game ever: I was playing in a short skirt and low cut tank top with wedged heels on, it was in the dark, and honestly Mike was just a far superior player. Mike knew what angles to shoot at much like in a game of pool although he "claims" he doesn't play pool that well.

Afterward I introduced him to the Triple Lindy at Moes, then we drove back to my house where we talked for hours. I didn't end up driving him home until after midnight and we decided we were going to hang out again soon. He might even go with me to my next Rockland trip in July.

Greedy For Lust (Free Flow Friday)

I'm consumed in my lust for you
Greedy for every deep thrust from you
I know now that I can't ever get enough of you
There's a hunger in your eyes when your face is between my thighs
Make me beg for it, long for it, scream for it
My nails graze down your back as I ache for your attack
Bodies glazed in sweat you make me nice and wet
As I moan your name over and over again
My orgasm climbs with your warm body on top of mine
Pin my down, turn me around, show me how you like it done
That's the spot, right there, hit it hard as you pull my hair
And don't you dare stop until we're both good and ready
I'll sway my hips to your nice and steady
Putting my mouth anywhere I please to devour you whole
We'll both lose control
And when you think we're done I'll start in on the next round of fun
I'll keep going longer than I should to make sure I make you hurt so good

Broil-her I barely Know Her (Nobody Interview)

***Disclaimer: All previous interviews were done on the computer so I was able to cut and paste exact responses. This was my first phone interview so responses are paraphrased although I did a final read-through with the interviewee to make sure I was accurate***

Okay I have been seriously slacking on my blog the last few weeks and completely dropped the ball on my favorite feature "The Nobody Interviews". Today's interview is Delaina Bomhoff, a girl who knows her way around the kitchen.

1. How do we know each other?

We met nine years ago when I did my one semester at SUNY Albany.

2. What first inspired your passion for cooking?

Probably my mother's lack of passion for cooking. She's so passionate about everything else, but her definition of cooking is opening up a package and tossing it into the microwave oven or crockpot.

3. Do you have a specialty dish? If so please share the details.

Probably what impresses people the most is my Moose which I make from scratch. One dark chocolate bar, 1/2 semi sweet baking bar, orange liquor which I cook in a double boiler. Next I beat with egg yokes, fold egg whites into it, and chill it. Then I make homemade crepes and put the Moose into the crepes.

4. Do you have a specific brand you prefer for your kitchen "arsenal" and if so why?

I have favorite pieces, but not a brand I'm loyal too. Like I buy a Honda, then another Honda, then another Honda. I have a Vitamix which is this high powered blender and I couldn't live without it. LOVE IT!!!!

5. Do you find yourself more critical of other people's cooking?

I'm not critical of the process of other people's cooking, but the ingredients they use. I think they should get the highest quality ingredients like why get a Kia when you can get a Beamer? I like to use car analogies. But there's a huge difference in taste.

6. Speaking of ingredients, where do you shop for yours?

I live across the street from a supermarket, Publix, where I get the bulk of my products. I go comnpletely organic so what I can't get there I buy at Whole Foods.

7. Where do you get your recipes from?

I have a "go-to" book I use, Rodale's Whole Food Cookbook. That's when I'm at home, of course there's my lap top. I'll go onto www.allrecipes.com or www.recipeszar.com and look up two or three different recipes, then combine the parts of them that I like.

8. Do you have any formal culinary training? If not, do you want some?

I do not (have formal training) and I've toyed with the idea of attending the local culinary arts school here. But the jobs I would get once I graduate from there would interfere with the things that are the most important to me: my daughter, my husband, my dog, and my cat. You have to be willing to sacrifice a lot.

9. Would you ever want to cook professionally in any capacity?

I would own my own cafe if there wasn't a ridiculous amount of overhead. If I lived in a smaller town maybe, but a huge city like Orlando makes survival for a "mom and pop" really difficult.

10. I just want to thank you once again for doing this interview. As per tradition my last question is, if you could be any breakfast cereal what would you be and why?

Probably the Back to Nature Chocolate Granola because it's awesome and my husband loves it, so I could be a cereal and he would still love me, just sprinkle me on his yogurt.

Appreciation (Bitch it Out Thursday 5 days late or 2 days early)

I debated for weeks about posting anything on here about my current job, but decided what the hell. Let me start of by saying that I probably have the best boss and best job since post college. My boss bought me a birthday gift, says "thank you" more than anyone else I know, and is usually pretty flexible when I want to take some time off. There have even been a few occasions where she bought me lunch including last Monday to celebrate my 1 year anniversary here.

Here's the thing, there are basic things EVERY employer should do to retain their talent and they are as follows:

Competitive Salary: I have a four year degree from a major university where I graduated in the top 10% of my class. I came into this position with more than a decade of customer service experience although no sales experience. My salary is barely above what my first job offered me when I was fresh out of college and I recently accidentally found out that the part-timer is paid higher than me when I break down my salary to an hourly rate.I think for all I do: the only full timer in the office working the last few hours of every day by myself, probably 3/4 of the general office admin work, and last I checked bringing in the most sales...I should be paid more. It would be nice if she offered it to me based on all my hard work this past year, but I'll most likely have to ask for it. And if I hear something about her financially not being able to "swing it" I would be insulted given she can "swing" all these other personal luxeries in her life. I won't list them, but they are plentiful believe me.

Benefits: I was offered medical benefits, but they were minimal and insufficient for someone with as complex a medical history as myself. As far as paid time off I get about 8 days a year. Every previous job has given me at least 2 weeks. The paid holidays only include the "usual" that just about every business does except major retailers; New Years Day, Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Right now my husband carries the benefits, but they're very expensive and exclude a lot of the basics. This is the first job I have had where I didn't have benefits. What if something happens to my husband? I'll be screwed because I can't afford the COBRA or to outright buy a private policy on my own. Even if I don't elect the benefits offered at my job I'd at least like to know the option is there for comparable coverage. It's a sense of security I'd rather not be without.

Equipment and Supplies: It's a beautiful little office, but the desk set-up is completely wrong. 2/3 of the desks in the main part are set up with our backs facing the front door. There are two issues with this, the first is security. There have been several occasions where customers have snuck up on me. In the wintertime when it gets dark early and both stores on either side of us are vacant, someone could easily come up from behind me with a gun or knife. Our front door isn't very loud so we don't always hear people when they come in. A simple wind chime from the dollar store could help alleviate some of this issue, but in reality the desks need to be taken apart (three piece "C" design) and turned around. This request was made over two months ago and has still not been done. It's a pain in the ass to do because my desk would have to be swapped with the other girl, but it probably wouldn't take more than 2 hours at best. I even offered to help but the boss refused for fear of me getting injured in the process. The second issue with the desk set-up is from a customer service stance. If I'm on the phone and can't get to a customer right away, I would like to be able to give them a visual acknowledgement so they know I know they're here. Customers have made several comments about not seeing us (there are partial partitions creating a cubical like atmosphere). Sometimes customers walk right passed our backwards desks and right into my boss' private office because they honestly didn't know anyone else was here. Why not move to the front empty desk that is properly facing the door? Because it's in front of a full wall of windows with horrible sun glare that offers no privacy to me or my customers.

Opportunities for growth and advancement: Simply put there are none. This is a small office: my boss, a part-timer, and me. The only way for me to grow is if she invents a new title/position for me or I decide to branch out on my own. When I was hired I was told she would hire someone else a few months down the line to work under me, but a year later that still hasn't happened. This is a problem when I want afternoons off and when I get slammed during our busy spurts because I'm here by myself.

Open Door Policies: I am an innovator. I come up with ideas all the time at any job I've ever had to improve both myself and the business as a whole. It's disheartening when I sit across from someone who nods her head, praises me, and then basically throws my idea away. It's even worse when I get snapped at for having an idea. Am I just a warm ass in the seat? I want to contribute. Let me prove how valuable I can be to you. And if you don't think my ideas can work then give me a valid reason instead of brushing me off. One example: Instead of hiring a part time afternoon person, why not approach the local colleges for an intern. This area is overly saturated in colleges boasting about 20 within a 20 mile radius. The intern can earn course credits or get paid minimum wage. After a few months if they have proven their worth then you can offer them an employment opportunity. This is a win/win situation that would cost my boss nothing but time. She thought it was a great idea and put me in charge of it. I drafted an email, contacted some of the schools, and fielded the phone calls from prospects. In the end my boss decided she didn't like the idea and would rather just hire someone direct. Wow, what a waste of my time.



When you don't have these BASIC things at a job, then people leave. High turn over with employees could potentially lead to a turn over in customers. Customers like to establish relationships and they are going to get put off if they see a new face every few months. It'll raise questions like: why doesn't anyone stick around? can I trust this person? I have seen this happen at job after job where really solid people leave and it's unfortunate, but people get burned out. With the crap economy people aren't switching as often, but that shouldn't be the reason someone stays at a particular job. They should want to stay.

I have said my piece.

Embracing The Big Girl (Confessional Tuesdays)

After months of pressuring me I finally broke down last night and let Rita take me bra shopping. The weight gain created a spillage situation in all my bras and the situation needed to be handled. Before we left we were in her living room talking.

"What does it mean when a guy says he likes 'thick' girls? What's a thick girl?" I asked.
"Gina. Me. You."
"Me?"
"Welcome to the world of big girls Laura, embrace it."

I teared up. My entire life I have held onto this notion that the only beautiful version of me was a thin one. The girl in those pictures from Spring 2009 was the sexy hot mama I longed to be and I was so far from that at this time in my life. Why could I see other "Big Girls" and honestly find them beautiful, but not see it in myself?

We went to Crossgates to Lane Bryant where we met an awesome saleslady Stephanie. She measured me (40 DD for those who are curious). I tried on several bras, some capris which tend to fit me like full length jeans, some shirts, and this gorgeous long dress that my short self would have to hem. I sent pictures to another friend of mine who whole heartily approved of my fashion choices.

This may not seem like some giant confession, but to me it is. I have been in denial for several months and now I am saying it "Laura Kaponer-Abate is a BIG GIRL". It's as much a part of my identity right now as my religion, political views, and ethnicity. This is who I am, what I am, and it's okay. Maybe I can be big AND beautiful.

P.S.
As an added bonus I now have a juicy little ass that I NEVER had before.

Todo, we're not in Scotia anymore (Trial and Error Monday)

Back in the day, which according to Dane Cook was a Wednesday, I used to be a very impulsive person. During my senior year of college I would randomly drive to the 24/7 Walmart in Saratoga Springs (about an hour drive) at 2 AM with my friends. No real reason, just because. One winter break I decided to go down to NYC to visit my good friend Mark and while I was there I got my tongue pierced. I wanted it, so I did it. My bacherlorette party in Myrtle Beach I got up on stage where a 80's tribute band was playing and dirty danced. Some people argued that my overall impulsive nature led to situations I later regretted; probably somewhat true, but the fact remains that my life was exciting and filled with great stories to tell.

Fast forward to present day where my life has become far from impulsive sitting solidly on downright predictable. The other side of Laura, the planner-organizer-stay in her comfort zone kind of girl has taken control of the wheel and shoved impulsive girl into the trunk. Impulsive girl aka I.G. kicked, screamed, and begged to come out while square Laura stayed on the same daily path driving below life's speed limit. Yawn!

Friday June 11, 2010 4:55 P.M. I.G. broke out, stole the car keys, and left "boring" Laura stranded on the side of the road. I.G. drove two and half hours downstate to Westchester to visit a friend. Said friend practically crapped his pants when he got the phone call "Be down there in about 3 hours!" On her mini vacation I.G. bought two new sexy pairs of shoes because she left her "goodie two-shoes behind", ate out every night, and followed her heart instead of her head.

I.G. brought a few souvenirs back too: interesting, silly, and goofy grinned. Unfortunately the vast majority of the people she wanted to see downstate weren't available because of the extreme lack of notice, but the company she did keep was very entertaining.

The battle between the old Laura and the new Laura is just beginning...

Hating the Player and The Game (Confessional Tuesday)

Apples to Apples
Balderdash
Phase 10
Uno
Hearts/Spades
Text Twist
Tetris
Scene It

Just a small example of the types of games I love to play. Last Saturday night I went to a house party where I learned two new games: "Werewolf" and "Wits and Wagers". At my house I have a closet full of games that I am always looking for a group of people to round up for.

Mind Games

That is what I do not partake in. With me what you see is what you get. If I want to hang out with someone cause I think they're cool, then I ask them. If I want to call someone, then I do. If I like someone, then I tell them. I am not sure why, but this seems to scare the shit out of most people; my direct and honest approach as opposed to all the convoluted rules I should be playing by. I come on too strong I'm told, so I try to tone it down a bit but then I'm not being me. I have this larger than life personality that can't be boxed up and shoved in the back of a closet like people seem to want me to.

Am I crazy? Don't answer that. I know I am in general, but am I about this? To want to speak my mind and just be me? Why can't I go up to a stranger on the street and tell them they have a beautiful smile? Beacuse I do stuff like that by the way. Maybe I was born without a filter or my social etiquette gene never fully developed.

I Clammed Up (Trial and Error Monday)

This weekend was very eventful. Here are some of the highlights

Friday night Rita, Gina, and I went to Walmart to buy a bridal shower gift for our friend Julie. We decided to all chip in on one larger gift as opposed to getting three smaller ones. The winner was a digital picture frame, but when we got there and printed out the registry something else caught our eyes as well. We are three little gutter minded girls and this meant we just HAD to but the item entitled "Wash Pole". This was in addition to the aforementioned digital frame. This is the scene at Walmart and rather loud voices:

Rita: How large is the pole?
Laura: Do they come in many different sizes?
Gina: Where do they have the poles?
Rita: Excuse me sir, where do you keep your "wash poles"?
Gina: Maybe Julie will use the pole on Bobby?
Laura: Or the other way around. There are many uses for a "wash pole".

You get the point. We are three women pushing thirty acting like perverted little children. Is there really any other way to be?

Saturday Day we drove up to Oneida where the bridal shower was. Unfortunately most of the guests didn't show. But I did meet a four year old with swagger. He approaches me at the food table, "Hey you, what's your name?" Oh yeah, he's going to be trouble when he gets older. And oddly enough his mother tells is how he was a complete surprise. She didn't know she was pregnant, went to the ER for back pains, and had a baby. I have HEARD of stories like this, but never thought I would come face to face with one. WOW!

Then I took Rita to go see "Prince of Persia" with me. I have mixed thoughts about the film, but Jake G looked amazing. Then we randomly ended up at a house party about a mile away from Rita's house where we played a RPG type game called Werewolf.

Sunday Rita took me to a BBQ b-day party in Clifton Park. There were a slew of gorgeous gay men, funny shaped rubber bands, geese on the lake, a diva dog, and more sexual innuendos than an an season of "Will and Grace" which was on the TV at one point when we eventually went inside. (rain and wind won out after several rounds of boxing)

I had to try something new, so I tried some claims. After chewing for a minute or so, I not so discretely spit it up in the trash. It was too chewy. Ugh!

My evening ended with a nearly three hour phone conversation with my buddy Julian from Writers Market. That Alabama accent makes me get a giddy school girl grin.

A Love Poem To Myself (Free Flow Friday)

Beautiful isn't some skinny airbrushed bitch on the cover on Cosmo.
Beautiful is the essence of some one's soul

What makes you beautiful is the life you've led and the person you have been
Your scars are beautiful because they are badges of survival
Your eyes tell the unpublished story of your journey
And your heart is pure despite the corruption that has surrounded it all these years

Just because others haven't appreciated your value doesn't mean it isn't there
Don't focus on how far you still have to go, but how far you have already come
Be proud that you are unlike everyone else and stop trying so hard to change that
Love all that you are instead of coveting all that you are not

You are phenomenal, talented, intelligent, and above all else resilient
It is because of tragedies that you have become triumphant
And the most beautiful thing about you is that you have no idea how beautiful you are

Baby Got Back Problems (Bitch it Out Thursday)

It started November of 2008, approximately 3 months after my horrific near fatal car accident. A burning pain radiated from my right shoulder blade. Then it spread to my right rib cage, felt like someone had kicked me over and over again in some violent hate crime.

It hurt to breath.

Sometimes the pain would span like a band across my back and chest. Other times it would travel down my right arm.

I could barely move.

I saw my primary care physician. I went to the ER twice. I saw a neurologist. I got a professional deep tissue massage. I applied heat. I applied cold. I tried a variety of pain killers. I rubbed on medicinal cream. Nothing really seemed to work.

They ran tests: bone scan, MRI, X-ray. Everything came back normal. WTF?

More than a year and 1/2 later the pain still persists. Sometimes I'm in tears with severely limited mobility on my right hand side. Driving hurts, typing hurts, carrying stuff hurts...

My dad keeps insisting I try Acupuncture. I would, but insurance doesn't cover it and it's like $80 a session. Maybe I just run up my credit card bill, I need to get my life back. Can I put a price limitation on getting well?

Finally Admitting The Truth To Myself

Confessional Tuesdays

I'm afraid I lost him and I don't know how to get him back. The few that know the details say that I shouldn't blame myself, but I do. All those years of dealing with the burdens that come along with my physical and mental health issues must have finally drained him. There's only so much someone can take. Most of the people who walked out on me didn't last nearly as long as he did.

I can't make him love me. I can't make him stay. And I can't change who or what I am as I have been trying for years. I just want him to be happy and if that's without me, then so be it.

I'm defective: mentally ill, physical ailments doctors can't diagnose or treat, and infertile. He could definitely do so much better and maybe after all these years he's finally realizing that. I'm fighting to fix things all by myself. I love him so much it hurts and I would do anything to make things right. But maybe it's me. It has to be me.

Trial and Error Monday: Memorial Day Edition

This post is a day late because of the three day holiday weekend. There were a couple of new experiences I had this weekend:

What wasn't so new: Going to Maxies for my friend's birthday and singing some crazy Karaoke
What was new: Not drinking at all (never done that at Maxies) and singing a Taylor swift song I had only previously sung in my car and once to my 90 year old neighbor.

What wasn't so new: I did some writing for another draft of Prep School Sins
What was new: I re-wrote the intro using 90% of the critique suggestions from Julie and it got me some very positive feedback

What wasn't so new: Spending my day off relaxing in my underwear
What was new: Driving Antonio to the mechanic to pick up his car while still in my underwear

What wasn't so new: Ending up at a restaurant I don't like because I am an overly picky eater and my friend chose it to celebrate her birthday
What was new: Thinking outside the box and finding a delicious meal option off of the children's menu

And technically this shouldn't count because it happened Thursday, but this experience was the most exciting of all so I have to include it. Thursday I went with my friend to her ultrasound appointment. I had never seen one before and this was the one where we found out the gender. She's having a boy just like she wanted! To see the baby moving around (inside her) just made everything more real. And this is a moment I will cherish forever.