It happened againt last night. There I was back at Nyack High School in some non-descript classroom when C started making fun of me. Then J, M, and E joined in. "No one likes you" "You're fat" "You're ugly" "You're a complete loser". I just sat there trying to ignore them, but the taunting got louder and more persistant as others joined in. There was no teacher around to stop it, not that they ever did. Thankfully this time it didn'tget physical. When most people wake up from a nightmare they can calmly remind themselves that it was just a dream, but the problem is that for me it's more of a memory.
Bullied, teased, picked-on however you want to word it the reality is that it happened to me the entire twelve years I attended the Nyack School System. Kids are cruel, I get it. And as an adult I now know and believe that people who bully are insecure and unhappy people who make themselves feel better by making others feel worse. So why after more than a decade is it still haunting me? Most of the time when I dream it's actually a nightmare and the most common nightmare I have is being back in school reliving the torment a second time around.
You're probably thinking "What's the big deal? Everyone has faced a little bullying in their life." The thing is it wasn't just "a little bullying". A good friend's father told me a couple of years back that as a parent, not even my parent, he knew I got it so bad. Other classmates of mine admitted to me that they personally didn't know anyone that got it worse than me. There was even a point during my senior year that I missed so much class because I was afraid to go to school. You can't go through something traumatic for the twelve most formative years of your life and just walk away like it never happened. The fucked up thing is I bet the ones who bullied me haven't thought even once about what happened since graduation day. They moved on, why wouldn't they?
I am still hurting and unable to let go. I wish I knew how. Years of therapy didn't help either. And I'm not naive enough to think I'll get closure with these people in the form of an apology. They might be good people now, they might still be jerks, who knows? It's not like either side is willing to reach out to the other.
This blog was not about empathy, it's just because sometimes you need to vent and get it all out. This is a healthy way of me recognizing what happened and admitting that there is nothing I can do to change it. And until I find resolution within myself the nightmares will probably continue.
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About Me
- ElbieNy25
- "Scars are proof that we were brave enough to fight the battle and strong enough to survive it"-me 2008 Unfortunately/fortunately I have many scars from life, but I'm still here. I've been writing for over twenty years and just recently finished my first manuscript entitled "The Journey". I love peopl; they fascinate me with their stories, quirks, and mysterious ways.
5 comments:
Children have no idea how mean they really are and how it affects another when they taunt, name call or worse. I'm sorry that you had to experience that in your life. I have seen in many headlines what bullying does to children and teenagers alike. Suicides are like wildfires all around the country. It is sad what some do make themselves feel better by putting others down. Thank you for putting it out there for others to be aware of.
Although we all may have some childhood trauma to deal with that does sound rather extreme. How horrible that must've been! I wonder if you were to learn lucid dreaming if that would help any. Lucid dreaming is when you are in a dream and you realize it is a dream and you take control of it. It helped me deal with confidence issues some years back. It may sound far fetch but if you were to learn this technique and be able to "wake" in your dreams, and use that as an opportunity to defend yourself and tell those other children to stop, maybe it would help empower you to get past some of it? Thanks for sharing!
Hiya Babes,
I'm sorry to hear all of that went down. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but straight up, I don't think there is. Just remember that your friends are always here for you. And on the days when that's not enough, imagine that kharma's on PMS and out to get them :)
So I say we plan for your next reunion and make them all look stupid!! Being the best you can be and accomplishing your goals will be the biggest payback EVER!!
I know HS must have been bad because I know about college for you and if you are dreaming about a time before that, THEN IT MUST HAVE BEEN BAD! You know I am here though...want me to beat them up?
Mine never stopped in high school, good lady. For 62 years, I've been stuttering. BAD. Maybe it's easier for a guy, I don't know, but I never had a single date in high school because I was too afraid of making a complete ass out of myself by stumbling over the fucking words it would take to ask a girl out.Here I was a big sports jock, graduated first in my class, and probably the best looking guy in school and it got me nowhere. Some people can be downright cruel. And you can't punch everyone out when the bastards taunt you, because THEY have rights. I so feel your pain; you have every right to rant and rave and shove that big Sequoia up everyone's asses. hope things are better for you now. Your friend, Bob
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