Something I May Never Have

New Years Eve 2009 was both the beginning and the end. That was the day my doctor confirmed that I couldn't have children at least not on my own without some level of medical intervention. For someone who had been planning motherhood since she started her Cabbage Patch collection in the first grade, this was quite a blow. It's not that I can't EVER have children, but much like my bicycle riding I will need training wheels to head down this road while others around me pop wheelies on their big kid bikes all on their own.

For me I always pictured pregnancy happening after an intimate moment shared with my husband. But our conception will be clinical with drugs, a doctor probing my "special" areas, and a schedule. I joked about the prospect of ending up with quintuplets because in life when you are faced with something that saddens you, you can laugh or cry about it. I have done enough crying for many lifetimes to come.

The doctor told me, "You are young, you are healthy, you will get pregnant." I want to believe her, she is after all a fertility expert, but I am going to have my doubts because that is who I am and nothing so far in my life has come easy. I put my story out there because it's nothing to be ashamed of: it's part of who I am like my big brown eyes or short stature. Mind you it isn't a particularly favorite feature of mine, but it's there nonetheless. And the funny thing is the more I talk about it with people the more I am discovering just how many others out there know what I am going through.

I recently stated part of knowing our personal strengths is in accepting our limitations. I am also a firm believer of the mantra "Everything happens for a reason", so this must be a part of my journey.