About three years ago I lost over thirty pounds on Weight Watchers. I was living the program: exercising 2-3 times a day every day, drinking over 100 oz of water, and logging every bit of food I ate in my weekly tracker. I had acquired a reputation for how devoted I was to the program that more than one Weight Watcher's staff member approached me about becoming a leader once I hit my goal weight. At the time my goal weight was fifteen pounds away, I was already 2/3 there. The best part was how I felt: healthy.
That's when the self sabotaging began: food binges, skipping out on the exercise, ditching meetings and weigh-ins. Sadly I gained all the weight back and then some. Over the next three years I yo-yo'd back and forth losing the weight, gaining it back, losing the weight, you get the picture.
Am I afraid of my own success?
On 3/1/10 I started a new diet and exercise program convinced that although Weight Watchers is a fine program, it just wasn't a good fit for me. The first week on this new program I did very well losing nearly four pounds. Weeks two and three I strayed. Last night I'm sitting in front of the TV eating a pint of Death By Chocolate ice cream while my husband lectures me, "You spent all this money on a program you're not even following!" After years of hearing me whine about my weight and the way I look he was entitled to give me a stern scolding.
This is what I do though, stand in my own way, but why? Four years ago I wrote over 100 pages of a novel and for no good reason just walked away from it. In the eighth grade I had a producer in the music industry interested in contracting me for some original songs I wrote...I never followed through. And recently it took me nearly three months to get my fertility blood work done so I can find out the exact cause of my infertility and get the proper treatments. What exactly am I afraid of?
I want to become a successful novelist, a mother, and a thinner healthier version of myself yet any great strides I make in these efforts I end up building roadblocks. Deep down I don't think it's doubt in my ability to achieve these things, but rather fear of achieveing them. Does that make sense to anyone out there? And if it does would you mind explaining it to me?
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About Me
- ElbieNy25
- "Scars are proof that we were brave enough to fight the battle and strong enough to survive it"-me 2008 Unfortunately/fortunately I have many scars from life, but I'm still here. I've been writing for over twenty years and just recently finished my first manuscript entitled "The Journey". I love peopl; they fascinate me with their stories, quirks, and mysterious ways.
1 comment:
Dont just say you will do something and try it. COMMIT to it like you have your friends and your husband. Diets DONT WORK! You have to make lifestyle changes that you can do for the rest of your life NOT follow some diet where you binge once a week because you miss everything you love. Maybe you should try a nutritionist and tell them exactly what you like to eat and go from there.
I have noticed that things that are for yourself you have trouble following thru, but things that are for others are always completed. Have you addressed this in counseling? Sounds like a form of self hate. I mean I know you have come so far over the years, but come on, if you REALLY want something...especially if its within your control, MAKE IT HAPPEN!!
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