Two way Street

I guess the theory on friendship is that ideally it should be mutually beneficial to both parties. Having said that I think I'm a pretty decent friend. I'm still learning that there are different levels of friendship that range from work friends to casual friends to friends you consider family. And sometimes I fumble, okay more often then most people.

At the ripe old age of thirty I have gained a perspective I didn't have for a good portion of my twenties.

Discovery #1: Not taking it as a personal assault when someone doesn't want to hang out with me. There are 1001 reasons why someone may say "no" to an invite of mine or not invite me to one of their things. Some of the reasons may directly have to do with me, some may not. The point is friendship doesn't mean someone is required to hang with someone for certain events or on certain days. So ease up little lady!

Discovery #2: Some personalities aren't going to mesh and that's just the way it is. This doesn't mean person A is an asshole or Person B is an asshole. What it means is that all of us grew up in different families, neighborhoods, different religions, ethnicity, experiences, ect. Differences can make things very interesting because often they open your eyes to see things in a new light you may have not previously considered. Other times differences can cause friction. Reference all the stupid wars going on around the world. The opposite end of the spectrum is being too similar. Similarities are a great way to relate to one another, but certain extreme personalities can cause explosive arguments. Two people that are both stubborn, or overly sensitive, or self involved. It's just not going to work out.

Discovery #3: This is my most recent discovery and a painful one at that. Just because you care about someone doesn't mean they should be in your life.

I don't know if any of you remember the blog I posted back in October about the "friend" that blew me off while I was sick in the hospital, but I gave her a second chance. She apologized profusely and said it would never happen again. I believed her. We had a mature discussion about how we both contributed to the fall out and agreed to work on our issues. Well I did and she didn't.

Since this has proved therapeutic for me in the past I thought I would once again write a mock letter to her that I will never send saying all the things I wish I had said. The problem is you can't have a mature discussion with her without it turning into a screaming match. I'll provide examples below.

Dear ____,

Back in October you told me the reason you blew me off while I was sick and in the hospital was because I had a negative attitude. This is unacceptable behavior when you claim you care about someone. Clearly your personal comfort was far more important than my health. This is why I ended the friendship the first time around. It also took you two weeks to recognize what you did was 100% certifiably shitty and apologize.

My family and my friends told me to walk away and NOT give you a second chance because you were a "callous and selfish bitch". Yet I believe people make mistakes and I believed you when you said things would be different this time around.

Unfortunately the hypocrisy continued. When you opened up to me about being lonely for the holidays and being upset about not being close to your family I listened and comforted. When I told you I was lonely and missed my family you accused me of being ungrateful for what I had and depressing you with my negative attitude.

When you continued to talk EVERY day about a guy you dated for a few weeks over the summer MONTHS after the relationship ended I listened and advised where I could. Eventually I told you I would prefer not to talk about him anymore. I felt four months on one topic was sufficient enough. Your response was "Why do you think your life is a million times more important than everyone elses." You contined to explain that all conversations always have to revolve around me and real friends don't limit topics of discussion. I made one polite request and it turned into ripping me a new asshole. An interesting side note is that you claimed I was the ONLY one of your friends that felt you talked about him too much, but when I met another one of your friends and you mentioned his name this friend's eyes rolled so far back in her head I thought she was having a seizure. And when I met someone I was interested in it only took two weeks (verses your four months) for you to tell me you were sick of hearing about him. So it's okay when you obsess over someone for MONTHS but I didn't even get two weeks before you told me to stop. And I though you said friends don't limit topics of conversations. Clearly you are the one that makes all the rules in this friendship.

This leads me onto my other point. You continually tell me I have a negative attitude. Well I agree I used to be a very negative person I don't see myself that way anymore. I thank God everyday for all I have. I go out of my way to make people around me laugh and smile. And my parents who have know me much longer than you and talk to me EVERYDAY have repeatedly complimented me on my new found POSITIVE attitude. Oddly enough both co-workers and friends tell me pretty much a daily basis what a pleasure I am to be around. But you complain on a fairly regular basis about the following: your finances, your landlord/apartment issues, the way you look, your horrible love life, your friends (I don't think there is one friend you have told me about where you haven't bitched about them), your job. Oddly enough you nearly lost your job for creating a negative atmosphere, several of your co-workers filed complaints about you. And this wasn't the first time that's happened to you either. I would choose to focus on all the good things you had going for you, how much I believed in you, and how change can be an exciting and positive thing. Yet you claim I have this overbearing negative attitude.

My recent complaints: my health (I was recently hospitalized and have had complications since then), missing my family (they live over 1000 miles away and I only see them twice a year), and being single for the first time in about nine years (divorce is a big deal). Most of my complaints were brushed off by you or met with a "suck it up" attitude because there are people with far worse issues than my own. Obviously this wasn't the kind of support I was hoping for.

I think a big difference between you and me is that I actively tried to change the things in my life I was unhappy about. You hated how much weight you had gained, but wouldn't change your eating or exercise habits. And once again this was something that wasn't your fault. It was meds, or IBS, or stress. You can't even take responsibility for gaining fifty pounds! And when you complained about finances you would still go to the movies or out to eat or buy jewlery. Or when you complained about how much your ex hurt you and how he wasn't the right guy for you, you kept holding on to the possibility of getting back together with him and even tried twice. Whenever people tried to give you advice: me, your other friends, your brother you would just snap at us or tell us to mind our own bussiness.

Originally I thought that I would be alone for Christmas. Thank goodness for Facebook because after I posted this I got five different invites for Christmas Day! I knew you would only have your brother while everyone else had some big family thing going on. We talked about playing games, watching movies, doing Tarot card readings, and laughing the night away. Well your brother locked himself in your room for three hours refusing to socialize with us. "I don't give a shit about your friend." We didn't watch a movie or play any games because we were waiting on your other friend to show up, we waited more than an hour and half which wasn't fair to the friend that had showed up on time....me. Then your tardy friend bolted right after we ate. Then when your brother did join us he said that I needed to leave because I was mooching on your holiday. Countless insults and cursing came from your brother while I sat by quietly and took it out of respect for YOU. I sat there listening to you scream and curse at each other for more than an hour talking about me as if I wasn't even there. Finally your brother ended up back in your room. I wanted to leave but I stayed because I saw how YOU were visibly upset by how everything had gone wrong. Once again I put YOU before ME. But yet you claim I always put myself first.

The next day I told you I wanted to spend the following Christmas with my family. You told me that you shouldn't have invited me in the first place. Then you went on to explain that all your friends ruined your Christmas. There goes that victim mentality again that you did nothing wrong. You said that my negative attitude was unappreciated. Wow. I chose to spend Christmas with you over far more friendlier invites, stayed for seven hours (three of those hours after your brother verbally assaulted me), brought games/tarot/movies/dessert but you accused me of not putting in an effort.

Sometimes it takes a little while for things to sink in. But it suddenly hit me last night that none of my efforts are ever good enough for you. You amplify my flaws and ignore my assets. Whenever I try to have a mature discussion with you about something on my mind you blow up at me and start rapidly firing off insults. Unfortunately I have a pattern of letting people into my life that don't appreciate, don't respect, and don't treat me well. That needs to stop.

When you were getting terrorized at work I was there for you. I even went out to dinner with you one night when I had other plans to support you. When you left work I organized a secret going away party. When you were apartment hunting I scoured ads for you AND spent an evening looking at places with you. When you had a bad health scare I offered to go to a clinic with you and hold your hand. When you felt down on yourself from your failed romance I constantly reminded you how amazing you were. When you got into fights with other friends I was your sounding board. I praised you, complimented you, and supported you. You told me I was one of the few people that really helped you get through this dark time and you don't know what you would have done without me. Then on three occasions you accused me of not being there for you EVER. Your moods swings were scary and unpredictable. And the one time I brought you around some of my friends you made such a horrible impression that they labeled YOU dramatic, self involved, and a bit too much.

I tried to end things amicably. "I would have rather told you this than texted it, but I don't think this is a healthy friendship for either of us. Clearly we both want something that the other person can't or won't give. I will always have a special place in my heart for you and some of the times we shared but I need to move forward with my life. I wish you lots of luck with all the exciting changes you're going through. Please have a happy and safe new year."

Your response was further insults about my negative attitude, erratic behavior, and how miserable I am to be around. If I had had any doubts about ending the friendship the second time around your response solidified things for me. I think you're an insecure person who needs to bring me down to make yourself feel better. You couldn't even take my friendly goodbye with good grace and instead felt the need to throw in one last insult. One of my goals this past year has been to severely decrease the amount of drama in my life and looking back YOU were the only source of drama for me in the past couple of months.

I predict just like last time you'll try to weasel your way back into my life, but I am 100% done. I have an amazing family and although I don't have many friends they are of the BEST quality out there. I don't need someone who doesn't appreciate me and all the countless things I do for them. You have explained that the people in your life don't like spending time with you and now I understand why. Your other friends practically sprinted out of your apartment on Christmas. I think you maybe have split personality disorder or you're bi-polar. You like me, you don't like me. I'm an incredibly supportive friend, I'm never there for you. You appreciate how I listen to you, I never listen to you. I was starting to get whiplash from all your mood swings and it wasn't just me. Your tardy friend who has known you for YEARS mentioned this behavior on Christmas, the guy you dated over the summer mentioned this multiple times, your former co-workers and supervisors complained about this, your brother mentioned this....so can we ALL be wrong? Either way you should seek help beacuse your behavior ends up chasing all teh quality people out of your life. I speak from personal experience as therapy did wonders for me when I was in a dark place. I know I'm a flawed person, but I am so much more than the sum of my flaws and every chance you got you would point them out.

I deserve better than you gave me and now I know this.