Things I Should Have Said

Dear John,

I just want to put it out there that I have been hurt badly in the past when it comes to matters of the heart. I accept responsibility for choosing the wrong kind of guy and/or rushing things before really getting to know someone. It sounds like such a cliche but I really thought you were different.

I have never clicked so much with any guy before. The amount of things we had in common literally blew my mind:

1. As adults still dressing up for Halloween
2. Full belief and fascination with the super natural
3. Anti-guns/hunting
4. Old fashioned approach to dating (a recent development for me)
5. The importance of starting a family in the not so distant future so the kids can have a relationship with their grandparents
6. Love of Disney
7. Obsession with collectibles: you Disney and me Angels
8. Our love for music, especially being vocalists
9. Referring to our pets as out "kids"


There was a nice steady flow to our conversations. We never ran out of things to talk about. We found the other person smart, funny, intelligent, and attractive. John I can't tell you the last time I was this excited about a dating prospect. It's so scary putting yourself out there again but I was hopeful that this could lead to something amazing.

Yet if I dig a little bit deeper there were things that irked me. The more I tried to sweep them under the rug the more I kept tripping over them until I eventually landed flat on my face.

I know you have been out of the game for a while, you told me eight years since your last relationship, (I guess this should have been one of teh first red flags I noticed) but here are a few pointers that I promise are not specifically unique to me and will most likely apply to the vast majority of the women you come across:

The phone thing is just weird. I get that some people just aren't "phone people", but if you're trying to get to know someone it's a good idea to go beyond texting and emailing to an actual phone call. Phone calls are a happy medium between texting/emailing and face to face interactions. It's more personal too. You stating that you won't ever talk on the phone because you don't feel like it implies your unwillingness to compromise. Dating and relationships are about compromise. I hate to break it to you but unless you date a puppet you won't get your way all the time every time. And if you tell a girl you're so busy that you probably won't get to meet her face to face for weeks and you're STILL unwilling to give her a phone call....there's something going on there.

No one wants to feel like an after thought. If you're in the middle of texting someone and need to step away to do something for 30-40 minutes, let the person know instead of leaving them hanging. Or when someone texts you early afternoon and you don't get back to them for hours because you were "busy", you're sending a clear message that there are countless things that are more important than them. Not a good feeling.

Reciprications. Most girls like to be complimented, ideally without having to fish for them. When a girl texts you a picture of herself and instead of replying with something like "You look nice" or "That's a great pic", you choose to not respond for a few days, well it's not going to sit well with the girl. A girl who throws you compliments such as "nice smile", "you're funny", "I think you're a great guy" an appropriate response is Thank You. Instead you would brush off my compliments as a joke or say that you already knew that. It was hard to decide if you were insecure or full of yourself. And the fact that over weeks of communicating you didn't manage to compliment me even once also speaks volumes of your character. Another red flag to how one sided things would be with you.

Excuses. We mutually agreed our first date would be dinner at Olive Garden. You explained more than once that you were really looking forward to meeting me. Unfortunately I was battling a nasty cold, so we decided our date would happen when I got better. A week later when I was on the mend you said that the holiday time was really busy and we'd have to play it by ear. You told me you probably wouldn't be able to text that Friday night because you had all this holiday shopping to get done. Saturday you tell me your "big shopping expedition" consisted of buying scrap book paper at Joann's. Afterwards you went out to dinner with your family....something you had previously told me you do every night of the week. Your actions aren't matching up with your words. So you couldn't skip one family dinner, once again something you do every night of the week, to have dinner with me? I get that family is important to you but you did ditch them last Christmas to go to Disney with your friends. Seems inconsistant.

I knew the risk of putting myself out there again meant I stood the chance of getting disappointed, rejected, and hurt. Once again I thought you were different. It's unfortunate that I went into this whole heartily and you went into it half assed. And it was a blow to my ego that I was obviously much more interested in the prospect of "us" than you were. I think the thing that tipped the scales against you was when I texted you a picture of me and more than two days passed with no response. I don't think you're a bad guy by any means; we're just on different pages. And although I doubt I'll ever find a guy I have as much in common with, I'm willing to lose some similarities in exchange for someone whose attentive and "into me".

You seemed surprised when I told you things weren't going as I thought they should. I just have to wonder where your head is at when you tell me I have to wait weeks to meet you face to face, you refuse to have a phone conversation, and you don't want me talking to any other guys in the meantime. So I'm supposed to put my life on hold for a guy I haven't even met? Suppose I actually did that and then when January rolls around you have brand new shiny reasons why we can't meet up. Time is the most valuable thing we own because it's the one thing we use that we can't ever get back. I can't waste anymore time on a guy that isn't willing to put in the time for me.

It's seems like you're either playing games or you're not ready to give things an honest shot. I wish you luck in what you're looking for. As for me I need to keep this little promise to myself not to settle for less than what I deserve.

Sincerely,
Laura