Reflections: A Rather Embaressing Confession

****I am choosing to open up big time and hoping I am met with compassion rather than judgment. We'll see****

In 2011 I finally saw myself in the mirror for what I was, a weak woman.

It's true that if you don't love and respect yourself then no one else will. I didn't know my value and because of this I ended up with men who didn't know it either. It took more than three years for me to end a marriage to a man that didn't want to be with me. Although he never directly said it, his actions spoke very loudly. I cared for him so much and believed we could work things out. He didn't want to.

Coming out of this painful experience I should have taken the time to heal and self reflect, but I was afraid of being alone. I jumped right into another relationship with a man named Jason Andrews. At first he was sweet filling my head with empty promises and lies. Well here's the ugly truth. When we met I was in a very vulnerable place. He knew this and took full advantage. Jason had no car, no job, and was essentially homeless. He explained in half truths that he had made some poor choices and was trying to rebuild his life. Not only could I relate, I could also respect that. My parents raised me to get to know a person rather than judge them based on their circumstances, so this is what I did. It resulted in him getting use of my car, me partially financially supporting him, and eventually giving him a place to stay. I opened up to him about my insecurities which he once again used to his advantage. The verbal and emotional abuse were pretty consistent as was the sexual neglect too. I was a sad excuse of a person who didn't understand that I deserved so much more than I was settling for.

Four months into the relationship I discovered his "hard times" were really due to the fact that he was a crack addict. He applied to my empathy/stupidity and I stayed with him. Two weeks later I called him at work explaining I needed him to take me to the hospital as I was in a lot of pain. His job was a 10 minute drive from our apartment, yet he took over an hour to get home. Then after twenty minutes with me in the hospital he left me to go get pizza because he was hungry. He was gone for two and 1/2 hours. I tried to end things that night, but he convinced me how much he cared and he would do better. Once again I didn't understand just how unhealthy this all was. I believed him.

Less than two weeks later I found naked pictures of his ex-girlfriend downloaded onto my computer. I flipped out, he managed to convince me I was being overly sensitive because all guys look at porn. I think what dug so deep was this wasn't some random girl on a website, but this was a woman he knew personally and had been with. Add that to my giant insecurities about the way I look and the fact that he never ONCE called me beautiful or sexy. Maybe I convinced myself this was okay. People had flaws and this was one of his.

A week later the day before my 30th birthday he relapsed. He came stumbling home at three in the morning high off his ass. I kicked him out. Then on the night of my birthday he kept calling my phone crying that he didn't have a place to stay and was hungry. He didn't understand why I could be so cruel leaving him to fend for himself in the middle of the winter. The next day I sent him packing. His own parents wouldn't take him in which should have told me something. Jason ended up in a homeless shelter in downtown Albany.

Less than two weeks later after several text messages and phone calls telling me all the things I wanted to hear I took him back. Now I know what you're thinking because several months later I am thinking the same thing, what the hell? Forget low self esteem, clearly I had no self esteem. I honestly thought being with Jason was as good as it was ever going to get for me. I was this unlovabale and unattractive person that was lucky someone wanted me at all. Happily Ever After didn't happen to people like me.

Unfortunately after I took him back I turned into a neurotic paranoid person that constantly scoured his cell phone and emails behind his back. After about a month I was going to give him the 100% green light when I found a porno of his ex-girlfriend, the same one that was in the photos, on my computer. It was pretty graphic. It was then that I realized he never cared for me, he probably didn't even like me. I wasn't a person, I was someone he could get things from.

When I 100% ended things he tried to convince me that I should be the one to move out because he was the one that had liked this apartment in the first place. I pointed out that 99% of the stuff in the apartment was mine: all the furniture, appliances, ect. All he had was a closet full of clothes and some misc items in boxes from his dad's house. Additionally I was in a better financial position to afford the apartment. Then he called me selfish saying that everything had to be my way all the time. Lastly he called me a slut stating the real reason I was ending the relationship was so I could start humping random guys. This was the same man who had looked me in the eyes as he told me he loved me and wanted to build a life with me. Now that my well had run dry he let it all out: I was a selfish slut.

We agreed to finish out the month since he had paid his half and then he would move out. He lasted less than a week before he relapsed again. He didn't come home. This time I wasn't going to be a victim. I packed all his shit in garbage bags, drove it down to his job, and dumped it out front. I contacted his boss, who had hired him only on the condition he stayed clean, to inform him Jason had relapsed and stolen the company vehicle to do so. And lastly I called a locksmith.

A day later Jason called the cops on me for theft. He was jonesing for another fix and had run out of money. I had the $100 he had left behind that I was using towards our mutual bills, money he owed me. It wasn't worth getting arrested so I gave him the money back.

Then he was hospitalized for an overdose. I ran there to see if he was okay. Thank the powers that be for the intervention of my parents. They told me that I needed to choose: Jason or them. I walked right out of the hospital after I told him to never contact me again. It was the slap in the face I needed to realize just how far I had fallen into that dark place he had taken me to.

Here are the facts. He's been battling a drug addiction for over ten years. He has lied and stolen from everyone he knows. His one and only daughter barely knows who he is since he's been in rehab or jail most of her life. He cheated on the only women he ever officially dated: his ex-wife, his ex-girlfriend, and me with anything that came his way. I have had no contact with him since March 29th 2011, but I am certain he is still using and has moved onto his next "mark". I only hope she can be a lot stronger and smarter than I was.



Believe it or not I am actually grateful for Jason Andrews because he was my rock bottom. If it weren't for him I wouldn't have moved out of the house I shared with my ex-husband and into the apartment I now call home. If it weren't for him I wouldn't have been so assertive about getting my current job which is a giant step up from my last job. If it weren't for him I wouldn't have my rabbit Banjo and therefore wouldn't have my rabbit Amelia, and I love them more than I can even explain. If it weren't for him I wouldn't have gone back into therapy to work on building myself up to be the best possible version of myself. And if it weren't for him devaluing me so much I wouldn't have come to eventually learn my own true value.

I take full responsibility for the horrible choices I made, but they made me stronger through the lessons they taught me. It's the end of 2011 and I can look in the mirror to see a strong woman.