Friend Zone

I don't mean to brag, but I'm really good at rejection. I think there's an art to it that took me years to perfect. Don't feel bad because not everyone has been fortunate enough to have the opportunities to hone this particular skill set like I have.

Although there have been countless romantic rejections in my life time I'll go over the highlight reel for you.

In fifth grade Doug Breshin said, "I'd rather kill myself than date Laura." It's good to know that even at such a young age he understood his options. Death clearly was much more appealing than having anything to do with me. Although it was good to know he had such strong feelings for me I have to admit I was hoping for them to be slightly different than suicidal.

In sixth grade by good buddy Robert Curti told a mutual friend, "Laura has the best personality. She's smart, funny, and not stuck up like most of the girls around here. But she's a dog." Finally a guy who had given me clarity. Personality, no matter how amazing it is, doesn't matter unless you're a knock out. Good to know. Note to self: Start saving for plastic surgery fund immediately.

In eighth grade a friend attempted to fix me up with Charles Jackson. He looked a lot like Jesse from "The Mighty Duck" movies. In a crowded hallway my friend pointed me out to him. He yelled so loud that several heads turned around "HELL NO!" There's an important lesson here that sometimes rejection includes public humiliation.

A consistent remark I kept getting from my romantic interests was how unattractive I was. What confuses me is that I didn't have any of the trade mark features that would make someone fugly. I didn't have horrible acne, any large or irregular facial features like big nose or dumbo ears, my teeth were white and straight without any overbite, no unsightly scars of deformities. This led me to believe what it boiled down to was my weight.

The "beautiful people" as I called them in school all had one thing in common, at least the girls did, they were all skinny. They could wear midriffs with their size zero jeans. So I guess being overweight meant that I was undesirable to the opposite sex. Shakira hips DO lie. I think the ideal woman probably is skinny with a giant ass and huge hooters. Sadly I had no ass, but I do have huge hooters along with a big stomach and thighs too.

Apparently I had been cast in the comedic sidekick role; half the pay with none of the perks of a lead. For boys I was the girl he would talk to about the much hotter girls he liked. For girls I was the ugly friend/wing person. My heart would flutter when a guy came up to me, then drop down to my stomach when he asked about the friend I was with. I can't even tell you how many times that happened.

Opinions are like assholes, everyone has them. And apparently assholes have a lot of opinions! When I was studying abroad in Australia a guy mentioned that I could be really pretty if I lost weight. It's good to know I had some potential buried underneath all my layers of flab. The guy I dated last year, yes the crack addict, was obsessed with his ex...yes the one he had naked pics and a porno of. She was of course skinny with big boobs. Then there was the guy I dated over the summer whose screen saver was always a half naked skinny girl although he swore he loved my curves. But he did keep pushing for me to take up Yoga. Hmmmm. Oddly enough I don't think any guy I ever dated loved, liked, or appreciated my fullness.

I already mentioned that 95% of all the profiles I come across on match.com state they are looking for a girl that's "slender" or "athletic and toned". So is the message here that I have to lose weight for a guy to like me? Forget the fact that I graduated in the 10% of my class in college, that I've done tons of volunteer work throughout my life, how loyal/honest/dependable/reliable I am, my sense of humor that has people in tears. Clearly no matter how many amazing non-physical attributes I have they will never matter unless I have the body of Brittney Spears circa 1999. Guys are lining up to be with that crazy bitch. True story.

Instead of developing my intelligence and humanitarian skills I should have been doing 1000 sit ups to get glistening abs. If some day I am fortunate enough to have an ugly daughter I will pass along the lessons all these fabulous men have taught me; mommy loves you but no one else will.