It happened againt last night. There I was back at Nyack High School in some non-descript classroom when C started making fun of me. Then J, M, and E joined in. "No one likes you" "You're fat" "You're ugly" "You're a complete loser". I just sat there trying to ignore them, but the taunting got louder and more persistant as others joined in. There was no teacher around to stop it, not that they ever did. Thankfully this time it didn'tget physical. When most people wake up from a nightmare they can calmly remind themselves that it was just a dream, but the problem is that for me it's more of a memory.
Bullied, teased, picked-on however you want to word it the reality is that it happened to me the entire twelve years I attended the Nyack School System. Kids are cruel, I get it. And as an adult I now know and believe that people who bully are insecure and unhappy people who make themselves feel better by making others feel worse. So why after more than a decade is it still haunting me? Most of the time when I dream it's actually a nightmare and the most common nightmare I have is being back in school reliving the torment a second time around.
You're probably thinking "What's the big deal? Everyone has faced a little bullying in their life." The thing is it wasn't just "a little bullying". A good friend's father told me a couple of years back that as a parent, not even my parent, he knew I got it so bad. Other classmates of mine admitted to me that they personally didn't know anyone that got it worse than me. There was even a point during my senior year that I missed so much class because I was afraid to go to school. You can't go through something traumatic for the twelve most formative years of your life and just walk away like it never happened. The fucked up thing is I bet the ones who bullied me haven't thought even once about what happened since graduation day. They moved on, why wouldn't they?
I am still hurting and unable to let go. I wish I knew how. Years of therapy didn't help either. And I'm not naive enough to think I'll get closure with these people in the form of an apology. They might be good people now, they might still be jerks, who knows? It's not like either side is willing to reach out to the other.
This blog was not about empathy, it's just because sometimes you need to vent and get it all out. This is a healthy way of me recognizing what happened and admitting that there is nothing I can do to change it. And until I find resolution within myself the nightmares will probably continue.
Visiters
Multiple Personality Disorder
There is a theory that in every great piece of fiction lies a kernal of truth. My novel (considered great by my standards) is no exception to this. It has been questioned on more than one occasion if any of my six characters are based either on myself or on people I know. The answer is yes. They are all in some way a part of me: well four of them are.
Lauren, the most obvious if not by name or physical description, comes into the lives of the other five characters after something dark happens to her. Instead of facing this dark event she chooses to run away in an effort to escape it. The pre-ceding event, rather events because its more than more one, are based on specific things that happened to me when I was sixteen years old. The essence of who Lauren is is who I was or in some ways still am today.
Reed in so many ways is who I want to be. Not literally a sex-obsessed, pot smoking, porn addict, but someone who is bold and fearless. Although he could be considered selfish and impulsive, Reed is raw and lives life for himself. He isn't caught up in what others think of him, he just travels the best path he chooses for himself. Reed is about action, experimenting, and isn't afraid to ruffle a few feathers. He says what most people are thinking but too self selconscious to say themselves.
Perry is the ultimate selfless person, always putting himself last. Perry will give so much of himself until there is nothing left. He's a people pleaser which turns him into a bit of a doormat at times. Perry enjoys the simple things in life and works hard for anything he has, nothing has been handed to him. My life has been full of constant challenges and struggles, so I believe I reflect that in Perry. Although Perry doesn't let it get to him the way I do.
Caleb above everything else is a dreamer. Caleb could spend countless hours thinking about all the wonderful things in life he wants to do, but that's all he does...day dream instead of going for it. Unfortunately this costs him a lot of good opportunities as life passes by him. I go through phases of being Caleb myself. Caleb, like me, can come up with all the excuses in the world to not do something instead of seeing all the reasons for actually going through with it.
Then there are two that are based on people I know, but to protect the innocent I will not disclose real names. Tyler has the most charmed life: good looking, intelligent, athletic, wealthy, and naturally excells at everything he does. The problem is Tyler knows how awesome he is which makes him pompous and condescending at times. He also doesn't appreciate all he has because it's been handed to him for the most part. Danielle (Dani) doesn't know how to love, is a complete tomboy, and brass with her words. Dani has plenty of opinions about others but she can't seem to figure out her own shit. She has personal space issues and a higher sex drive than the other five characters combined.
It is the combination of these six characters that drives the story and I couldn't picture it any other way. They frustrate yet inspire one another. And each of them has a specific journey they must travel. In writing this book I spoke in all six voices changing the POV, so in a way I felt like I had six different people running through my brain at any given point. Silly? Crazy? Maybe it's just the making of a great novelist. Who knows? I'm just beginning my own journey at this point.
Lauren, the most obvious if not by name or physical description, comes into the lives of the other five characters after something dark happens to her. Instead of facing this dark event she chooses to run away in an effort to escape it. The pre-ceding event, rather events because its more than more one, are based on specific things that happened to me when I was sixteen years old. The essence of who Lauren is is who I was or in some ways still am today.
Reed in so many ways is who I want to be. Not literally a sex-obsessed, pot smoking, porn addict, but someone who is bold and fearless. Although he could be considered selfish and impulsive, Reed is raw and lives life for himself. He isn't caught up in what others think of him, he just travels the best path he chooses for himself. Reed is about action, experimenting, and isn't afraid to ruffle a few feathers. He says what most people are thinking but too self selconscious to say themselves.
Perry is the ultimate selfless person, always putting himself last. Perry will give so much of himself until there is nothing left. He's a people pleaser which turns him into a bit of a doormat at times. Perry enjoys the simple things in life and works hard for anything he has, nothing has been handed to him. My life has been full of constant challenges and struggles, so I believe I reflect that in Perry. Although Perry doesn't let it get to him the way I do.
Caleb above everything else is a dreamer. Caleb could spend countless hours thinking about all the wonderful things in life he wants to do, but that's all he does...day dream instead of going for it. Unfortunately this costs him a lot of good opportunities as life passes by him. I go through phases of being Caleb myself. Caleb, like me, can come up with all the excuses in the world to not do something instead of seeing all the reasons for actually going through with it.
Then there are two that are based on people I know, but to protect the innocent I will not disclose real names. Tyler has the most charmed life: good looking, intelligent, athletic, wealthy, and naturally excells at everything he does. The problem is Tyler knows how awesome he is which makes him pompous and condescending at times. He also doesn't appreciate all he has because it's been handed to him for the most part. Danielle (Dani) doesn't know how to love, is a complete tomboy, and brass with her words. Dani has plenty of opinions about others but she can't seem to figure out her own shit. She has personal space issues and a higher sex drive than the other five characters combined.
It is the combination of these six characters that drives the story and I couldn't picture it any other way. They frustrate yet inspire one another. And each of them has a specific journey they must travel. In writing this book I spoke in all six voices changing the POV, so in a way I felt like I had six different people running through my brain at any given point. Silly? Crazy? Maybe it's just the making of a great novelist. Who knows? I'm just beginning my own journey at this point.
The Blogger Awards
Thanks to Claire for giving me this award
The rules of this award are: State 7 truths about yourself, then pass to 7 bloggers.
1. When I was in the fifth grade I learned the song "Fifty Nifty United States", and nearly twenty years later I can still recite all fifty states in alphabetical order in about 20 seconds.
2. There are only eight "Kaponers" left in the world: my dad Ed Kaponer, my mom Lourdes Kaponer, my brother Rich Kaponer, my sister-in-law Kat Kaponer, my uncle Larry Kaponer, my aunt Linda Kaponer, my cousin Jason Kaponer, and myself Laura Kaponer-Abate. I knew when I got married not only would I keep my last name, but I plan to give Kaponer as the middle name to each of my children to pass the name along. It's important to me.
3. I collect things: DVD's, angels/faeries/cherubs, pencils, funky colored nail polish, baord games, shoes, cigar boxes, apple decor for my kitchen, funny t-shirts...
4. I am still a child at heart: afternoon naps, coloring books, stuffed animals, disney movies, sleep with a night light, call my parents "mommy" and "daddy".
5.Halloween is by far my fave holiday. I always dress up, never wear the same costume twice, and start planning my next costume November 1st
6. I am a medical anomaly; doctors can never figure out what's wrong with me when there are things clearly wrong with me. All exams, tests, and vitals come back normal even if I'm vomiting up green and randomly bleeding...not to gross anyone out, but it's so frustrating bc if they don't know what's wrong than they can't treat me properly.
7. I believe in fate, karma, and reincarnation. Even though I think I often get the shit end of the stick when I don't deserve it. That's what faith is about I guess, blindly believing.
I am passing this award onto:
Shannon at http://jenesaisquoi-blog.blogspot.com/
Tracy at http://tracylenore.blogspot.com/
Laurell at http://laurellbresette.blogspot.com/
Margot at http://margokelly.blogspot.com/
Henya at http://henya-writingismylife.blogspot.com/
E.J. at http://the-open-vein-ejwesley.blogspot.com/
Regina at http://regina-unsettled.blogspot.com/
The rules of this award are: State 7 truths about yourself, then pass to 7 bloggers.
1. When I was in the fifth grade I learned the song "Fifty Nifty United States", and nearly twenty years later I can still recite all fifty states in alphabetical order in about 20 seconds.
2. There are only eight "Kaponers" left in the world: my dad Ed Kaponer, my mom Lourdes Kaponer, my brother Rich Kaponer, my sister-in-law Kat Kaponer, my uncle Larry Kaponer, my aunt Linda Kaponer, my cousin Jason Kaponer, and myself Laura Kaponer-Abate. I knew when I got married not only would I keep my last name, but I plan to give Kaponer as the middle name to each of my children to pass the name along. It's important to me.
3. I collect things: DVD's, angels/faeries/cherubs, pencils, funky colored nail polish, baord games, shoes, cigar boxes, apple decor for my kitchen, funny t-shirts...
4. I am still a child at heart: afternoon naps, coloring books, stuffed animals, disney movies, sleep with a night light, call my parents "mommy" and "daddy".
5.Halloween is by far my fave holiday. I always dress up, never wear the same costume twice, and start planning my next costume November 1st
6. I am a medical anomaly; doctors can never figure out what's wrong with me when there are things clearly wrong with me. All exams, tests, and vitals come back normal even if I'm vomiting up green and randomly bleeding...not to gross anyone out, but it's so frustrating bc if they don't know what's wrong than they can't treat me properly.
7. I believe in fate, karma, and reincarnation. Even though I think I often get the shit end of the stick when I don't deserve it. That's what faith is about I guess, blindly believing.
I am passing this award onto:
Shannon at http://jenesaisquoi-blog.blogspot.com/
Tracy at http://tracylenore.blogspot.com/
Laurell at http://laurellbresette.blogspot.com/
Margot at http://margokelly.blogspot.com/
Henya at http://henya-writingismylife.blogspot.com/
E.J. at http://the-open-vein-ejwesley.blogspot.com/
Regina at http://regina-unsettled.blogspot.com/
V-Monolgues
Tonight I will be performing in the Albany Law school's 2010 Production of Eve Ensler's "Vagina Monologues" in a piece entitled My Vagina Was My Village.
This was a movement that started back in 1997 to raise money and awareness in hopes of stopping violence towards women. The play is highly controversial; where my parents live in Bluffton, SC members of the community try to ban the performance each year. (Thankfully my parents are not part of that anti-movement) The skits range from funny The Woman Who Loved to Make Vaginas Happy to moving I was There In The Room to heartbreaking My Vagina Was My Village. It's based on interviews of real women who had real experiences both good and bad with their vaginas. Although I am acting, the story I am telling is very real and I am honored to be a part of it again. My first time was undergrad at SUNY Albany in the skit When I was 12 My Mother Slapped Me
I would like to share a quote just to demonstrate exactly why these performances are so important:
"But if you can't rape your wife, who can you rape?" ~ Senator Bob Wilson, Democrat, California, 1979
last I checked marital rape is still legal in 11 states. That's more than 1/5 or 20% of this country. With that being said, support the movement for yourself; a sister; a friend; a wife; a mother; a daughter. Whether you know it or not you are probably connected to a woman who has survived violence against her. If you don't make it to the performance I'm involved in this weekend, google and find one near you or pick up the book. If you think "I am only one person, what can I do?" Eve Ensler was only one person too...
This was a movement that started back in 1997 to raise money and awareness in hopes of stopping violence towards women. The play is highly controversial; where my parents live in Bluffton, SC members of the community try to ban the performance each year. (Thankfully my parents are not part of that anti-movement) The skits range from funny The Woman Who Loved to Make Vaginas Happy to moving I was There In The Room to heartbreaking My Vagina Was My Village. It's based on interviews of real women who had real experiences both good and bad with their vaginas. Although I am acting, the story I am telling is very real and I am honored to be a part of it again. My first time was undergrad at SUNY Albany in the skit When I was 12 My Mother Slapped Me
I would like to share a quote just to demonstrate exactly why these performances are so important:
"But if you can't rape your wife, who can you rape?" ~ Senator Bob Wilson, Democrat, California, 1979
last I checked marital rape is still legal in 11 states. That's more than 1/5 or 20% of this country. With that being said, support the movement for yourself; a sister; a friend; a wife; a mother; a daughter. Whether you know it or not you are probably connected to a woman who has survived violence against her. If you don't make it to the performance I'm involved in this weekend, google and find one near you or pick up the book. If you think "I am only one person, what can I do?" Eve Ensler was only one person too...
Friends w/ Benefits?
In my sequel "10 Years Later" I am exploring the complexities of friends with benefits. In my real life I never experienced this first hand, well I did, but that person is now my husband...
I am reaching out to my blog followers for some insight. These two particular characters have a romantic history, but because of present circumstance can't indulge in a full out romance. They are incredibly close friends who have sex with one another. Here are the questions I want to know:
Can friends with benefits really work?
What's the difference between a good friend you have sex with and someone you're dating?
How are rules or guidelines for the arrangement determined?
Is it a bad idea between two people who have a romantic history with one another?
Call me naive, but I just don't get it. I know it exists and works for some people out there, but how? Did two people overcome with hormones yet commitment issues just randomly decide upon this arrangement? I'm curious and I think in my understanding of the friends with benefits concept I can make my story more believable. Thanks for your help.
I am reaching out to my blog followers for some insight. These two particular characters have a romantic history, but because of present circumstance can't indulge in a full out romance. They are incredibly close friends who have sex with one another. Here are the questions I want to know:
Can friends with benefits really work?
What's the difference between a good friend you have sex with and someone you're dating?
How are rules or guidelines for the arrangement determined?
Is it a bad idea between two people who have a romantic history with one another?
Call me naive, but I just don't get it. I know it exists and works for some people out there, but how? Did two people overcome with hormones yet commitment issues just randomly decide upon this arrangement? I'm curious and I think in my understanding of the friends with benefits concept I can make my story more believable. Thanks for your help.
The Reason Was Dave
In the late 90's there was a Gwenyth Paltrow movie called "Sliding Doors". The premise behind it was that about ten seconds seperated this character from the life she currently led into a completely different one: whether she made it into the subway or not. The movie is split between the two scenerios and how her life played out because of this one event.
How many of us look back at events from our past thinking "What if I had gone the other way?"
My sophomore year of college I found myself in an unsual situation: two guys that wanted to date me. One was *Steve, a boy I had a strong sexual attraction to and then there was *Jake, someone I had a strong mental connection with. My heart told me Jake would be the better boyfriend because he was sweet, honest, and the type of person I could talk to for hours. Jake had very little experience when it came to relationships or sex, but I liked this about him because it meant he wasn't jaded. Steve was jaded coming from an on again off again on again relationship with a girl that openly cheated on him. Steve was more attractive, more sexually experienced, and all around more popular than Jake. I was nineteen which meant I followed my hormones instead of my head.
The relationship only lasted two weeks before Steve dumped me on my birthday for his bestfriend. I tried to see if Jake was still a viable option, but he had moved on. Smart guy refusing to be second place. I blew it with a great guy. For years I wondered what would have happened if I had chosen Jake? Would things have worked out better? Would I have remained friends with Steve? Suddenly I realized there was a completely viable third option: choose neither. Growing older and gaining some perspective does a funny thing to you sometimes.
Here's the thing because I chose Steve it led to a chain of events both good and bad to unfold in my life. One of the greatest things was that I took time off from school and met Dave. Nine years later Dave is one of the most important people to me in my life; I call him my "Brousin" because he's closer to me than a cousin yet not quite like a brother to me. Dave is someone who can handle all my insanity, someone who's sincere and passionate, and above all else loyal. Dave traveled over a thousand miles to attend my wedding in South Carolina. Dave called me when he heard through the grapevine that I was having a tough time adjusting to my life back in NY. Dave never judges, berates, or lectures me no matter how deserving I may be of it. He just loves and accepts me with my 100 quirks and all.
So looking back I made the right choice in the long run. Everything happens for a reason, you may not know the reason at the time or agree with the reason once you know it, but there is in fact a reason.
How many of us look back at events from our past thinking "What if I had gone the other way?"
My sophomore year of college I found myself in an unsual situation: two guys that wanted to date me. One was *Steve, a boy I had a strong sexual attraction to and then there was *Jake, someone I had a strong mental connection with. My heart told me Jake would be the better boyfriend because he was sweet, honest, and the type of person I could talk to for hours. Jake had very little experience when it came to relationships or sex, but I liked this about him because it meant he wasn't jaded. Steve was jaded coming from an on again off again on again relationship with a girl that openly cheated on him. Steve was more attractive, more sexually experienced, and all around more popular than Jake. I was nineteen which meant I followed my hormones instead of my head.
The relationship only lasted two weeks before Steve dumped me on my birthday for his bestfriend. I tried to see if Jake was still a viable option, but he had moved on. Smart guy refusing to be second place. I blew it with a great guy. For years I wondered what would have happened if I had chosen Jake? Would things have worked out better? Would I have remained friends with Steve? Suddenly I realized there was a completely viable third option: choose neither. Growing older and gaining some perspective does a funny thing to you sometimes.
Here's the thing because I chose Steve it led to a chain of events both good and bad to unfold in my life. One of the greatest things was that I took time off from school and met Dave. Nine years later Dave is one of the most important people to me in my life; I call him my "Brousin" because he's closer to me than a cousin yet not quite like a brother to me. Dave is someone who can handle all my insanity, someone who's sincere and passionate, and above all else loyal. Dave traveled over a thousand miles to attend my wedding in South Carolina. Dave called me when he heard through the grapevine that I was having a tough time adjusting to my life back in NY. Dave never judges, berates, or lectures me no matter how deserving I may be of it. He just loves and accepts me with my 100 quirks and all.
So looking back I made the right choice in the long run. Everything happens for a reason, you may not know the reason at the time or agree with the reason once you know it, but there is in fact a reason.
The Only Thing to Fear is Success Itself
About three years ago I lost over thirty pounds on Weight Watchers. I was living the program: exercising 2-3 times a day every day, drinking over 100 oz of water, and logging every bit of food I ate in my weekly tracker. I had acquired a reputation for how devoted I was to the program that more than one Weight Watcher's staff member approached me about becoming a leader once I hit my goal weight. At the time my goal weight was fifteen pounds away, I was already 2/3 there. The best part was how I felt: healthy.
That's when the self sabotaging began: food binges, skipping out on the exercise, ditching meetings and weigh-ins. Sadly I gained all the weight back and then some. Over the next three years I yo-yo'd back and forth losing the weight, gaining it back, losing the weight, you get the picture.
Am I afraid of my own success?
On 3/1/10 I started a new diet and exercise program convinced that although Weight Watchers is a fine program, it just wasn't a good fit for me. The first week on this new program I did very well losing nearly four pounds. Weeks two and three I strayed. Last night I'm sitting in front of the TV eating a pint of Death By Chocolate ice cream while my husband lectures me, "You spent all this money on a program you're not even following!" After years of hearing me whine about my weight and the way I look he was entitled to give me a stern scolding.
This is what I do though, stand in my own way, but why? Four years ago I wrote over 100 pages of a novel and for no good reason just walked away from it. In the eighth grade I had a producer in the music industry interested in contracting me for some original songs I wrote...I never followed through. And recently it took me nearly three months to get my fertility blood work done so I can find out the exact cause of my infertility and get the proper treatments. What exactly am I afraid of?
I want to become a successful novelist, a mother, and a thinner healthier version of myself yet any great strides I make in these efforts I end up building roadblocks. Deep down I don't think it's doubt in my ability to achieve these things, but rather fear of achieveing them. Does that make sense to anyone out there? And if it does would you mind explaining it to me?
That's when the self sabotaging began: food binges, skipping out on the exercise, ditching meetings and weigh-ins. Sadly I gained all the weight back and then some. Over the next three years I yo-yo'd back and forth losing the weight, gaining it back, losing the weight, you get the picture.
Am I afraid of my own success?
On 3/1/10 I started a new diet and exercise program convinced that although Weight Watchers is a fine program, it just wasn't a good fit for me. The first week on this new program I did very well losing nearly four pounds. Weeks two and three I strayed. Last night I'm sitting in front of the TV eating a pint of Death By Chocolate ice cream while my husband lectures me, "You spent all this money on a program you're not even following!" After years of hearing me whine about my weight and the way I look he was entitled to give me a stern scolding.
This is what I do though, stand in my own way, but why? Four years ago I wrote over 100 pages of a novel and for no good reason just walked away from it. In the eighth grade I had a producer in the music industry interested in contracting me for some original songs I wrote...I never followed through. And recently it took me nearly three months to get my fertility blood work done so I can find out the exact cause of my infertility and get the proper treatments. What exactly am I afraid of?
I want to become a successful novelist, a mother, and a thinner healthier version of myself yet any great strides I make in these efforts I end up building roadblocks. Deep down I don't think it's doubt in my ability to achieve these things, but rather fear of achieveing them. Does that make sense to anyone out there? And if it does would you mind explaining it to me?
Digging My Way to China Looking For Quirks
Quirks, everybody's got them, and I have often said I have about 100 people's worth of quirks. Just regarding my unusual food quirks: I like apples and apple sauce but not apple juice, I prefer green grapes but purple raisins, I like all skittles but the purple ones or all Starburst but the red ones, I like lettuce on a sandwhich but don't eat salads...my parents went through hell trying to prepare meals for me as a kid. Without knowing everyone in the world of course I often declare myself the world's pickiest eater. This is just me, a bundle of quirks wrapped up in one little package.
My theory is that it is these quirks that make a person interesting. It doesn't have to be about food though. I have a friend who has "issues" with mascots: adults dressed up like the Easter Bunny, a Chipmonk, ect. Disney would be a nightmare for her. I know someone else who refuses to go barefoot, even indoors, and can't wear slippers, needs to be in sneakers at all times unless sleeping or in the shower. And yet another person who finds comfort in clutter: organization and order scare the crap out of this person. There are probably fascinating stories behind these quirks, but above all else I think in a way it helps define a sense of who these people are. Are we all just a list of quirks? Absolutely not, however these quirks might make profound marks in our everyday lives whether we realize it or not.
About a month ago I was catching up with my buddy Ethan telling him about "The Journey". I explained that a problem I personally have with various fictional movies, tv shows, or books is the lack of "Why". It's great to get to know a character as they are, but for me I want to know the background and how they got to be that way. Are we born with quirks or do they develop because of circumstance?
In middle school and high school I hated to read. I pretty much avoided it at all costs. On a day when I was bored out of my mind my dad would tell me "Laura, read a book." You know why I didn't? Because I hated being told what to do. School reading was something that was forced on me and they might have been good books, but they weren't of my own choosing. In elementary school you got to choose what you read so I loved it, I devoured books like they were cubes of cheese (I am madly in love with cheese btw). The same thing happened with my reading in college; although most reading was assigned to me it was by professors and courses I chose, so it felt like I wasn't being backed into a corner. Now I'm an avid reader again spending my entire lunch break at work and weekends in my pajamas on the couch escaping into another world.
I write how I read. My characters are three dimensional: Caleb is shy and sheltered, Reed is selfish and abrasive, Dani is emotionally absent and tough as rocks, Perry is clingy and docile, Tyler is entitled and overly-involved, Lauren is affectionate and secretive. Good to know, but why the hell are they that way? I have been told my book is more character driven than plot driven, but that is what would draw me in. Who are these characters, what motivates them, how did they become what they are, where are they coming from when they do what they do? Maybe for me I have never been satisfied with the superficial, I need to dig deep below the surface. And then I'll dig a little more.
My theory is that it is these quirks that make a person interesting. It doesn't have to be about food though. I have a friend who has "issues" with mascots: adults dressed up like the Easter Bunny, a Chipmonk, ect. Disney would be a nightmare for her. I know someone else who refuses to go barefoot, even indoors, and can't wear slippers, needs to be in sneakers at all times unless sleeping or in the shower. And yet another person who finds comfort in clutter: organization and order scare the crap out of this person. There are probably fascinating stories behind these quirks, but above all else I think in a way it helps define a sense of who these people are. Are we all just a list of quirks? Absolutely not, however these quirks might make profound marks in our everyday lives whether we realize it or not.
About a month ago I was catching up with my buddy Ethan telling him about "The Journey". I explained that a problem I personally have with various fictional movies, tv shows, or books is the lack of "Why". It's great to get to know a character as they are, but for me I want to know the background and how they got to be that way. Are we born with quirks or do they develop because of circumstance?
In middle school and high school I hated to read. I pretty much avoided it at all costs. On a day when I was bored out of my mind my dad would tell me "Laura, read a book." You know why I didn't? Because I hated being told what to do. School reading was something that was forced on me and they might have been good books, but they weren't of my own choosing. In elementary school you got to choose what you read so I loved it, I devoured books like they were cubes of cheese (I am madly in love with cheese btw). The same thing happened with my reading in college; although most reading was assigned to me it was by professors and courses I chose, so it felt like I wasn't being backed into a corner. Now I'm an avid reader again spending my entire lunch break at work and weekends in my pajamas on the couch escaping into another world.
I write how I read. My characters are three dimensional: Caleb is shy and sheltered, Reed is selfish and abrasive, Dani is emotionally absent and tough as rocks, Perry is clingy and docile, Tyler is entitled and overly-involved, Lauren is affectionate and secretive. Good to know, but why the hell are they that way? I have been told my book is more character driven than plot driven, but that is what would draw me in. Who are these characters, what motivates them, how did they become what they are, where are they coming from when they do what they do? Maybe for me I have never been satisfied with the superficial, I need to dig deep below the surface. And then I'll dig a little more.
Learning How To Love
I can't whistle and whenever I announce this to people they feel the need to showboat whistle in front of me. I understand the basic mechanics behind it, but for some reason I just can't execute it. And that's okay by me, I have survived 29 years without whistling and gotten by just fine: my marriage, my career, and my overall well being don't depend on my whistling ability. Still it would be fun to do, but I've learned to deal with it...
Some things just come naturally to people like shooting a 3-pointer, playing the drums, or creating a culinary masterpiece. I can't do those things either. Something I have ALWAYS been good at is love. Loving others is a skill in my opinion. Opening your heart up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable is not something everyone can do, but for me it comes naturally. I am a self proclaimed cuddle slut; enjoy cuddling and basically any means of physical affection. Sometimes I have to learn to tone it down because there are people in my life who are not as affectionate as I am or simply prefer their personal space.
I attribute my ability to love to the household I grew up in. My parents were very big on hugs and "I love yous", so maybe it was a combination of nature and nurture. And when you're growing up you can fall into this mindset that every family is just like yours when that couldn't be further from the truth. It got me thinking about my total opposite out there, the person who struggled with love because no one ever taught them how.
In "The Journey" Dani (Danielle) Harris has two parents whose marriage is more of a business relationship than a romance. Her childhood home is devoid of almost all human emotion. Both parents are so wrapped up in their careers they simply don't have time or care to spend quality time with their daughters. At sixteen years old Dani has never once uttered the words "I love you" to anyone in her life. Dani is also uncomfortable with affection of any kind even from her boyfriend of early three years. In the novel each character has a specific journey and for Dani it's learning how to love, not just romantically, but in general because there are so many types of love. Some of you out there who are similar to me in your ability to love might not understand it, but if you think about how you gained your specific skill it's most likely a product of the environment you came from. I know that's the case with me. There are other things going on with Dani that make her keep people at arms length because a part of her feels unworthy of love when others offer it to her.
Will Dani figure it out or will she remain stuck in her ways? Just one more reason to read "The Journey"...
Some things just come naturally to people like shooting a 3-pointer, playing the drums, or creating a culinary masterpiece. I can't do those things either. Something I have ALWAYS been good at is love. Loving others is a skill in my opinion. Opening your heart up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable is not something everyone can do, but for me it comes naturally. I am a self proclaimed cuddle slut; enjoy cuddling and basically any means of physical affection. Sometimes I have to learn to tone it down because there are people in my life who are not as affectionate as I am or simply prefer their personal space.
I attribute my ability to love to the household I grew up in. My parents were very big on hugs and "I love yous", so maybe it was a combination of nature and nurture. And when you're growing up you can fall into this mindset that every family is just like yours when that couldn't be further from the truth. It got me thinking about my total opposite out there, the person who struggled with love because no one ever taught them how.
In "The Journey" Dani (Danielle) Harris has two parents whose marriage is more of a business relationship than a romance. Her childhood home is devoid of almost all human emotion. Both parents are so wrapped up in their careers they simply don't have time or care to spend quality time with their daughters. At sixteen years old Dani has never once uttered the words "I love you" to anyone in her life. Dani is also uncomfortable with affection of any kind even from her boyfriend of early three years. In the novel each character has a specific journey and for Dani it's learning how to love, not just romantically, but in general because there are so many types of love. Some of you out there who are similar to me in your ability to love might not understand it, but if you think about how you gained your specific skill it's most likely a product of the environment you came from. I know that's the case with me. There are other things going on with Dani that make her keep people at arms length because a part of her feels unworthy of love when others offer it to her.
Will Dani figure it out or will she remain stuck in her ways? Just one more reason to read "The Journey"...
Something I May Never Have
New Years Eve 2009 was both the beginning and the end. That was the day my doctor confirmed that I couldn't have children at least not on my own without some level of medical intervention. For someone who had been planning motherhood since she started her Cabbage Patch collection in the first grade, this was quite a blow. It's not that I can't EVER have children, but much like my bicycle riding I will need training wheels to head down this road while others around me pop wheelies on their big kid bikes all on their own.
For me I always pictured pregnancy happening after an intimate moment shared with my husband. But our conception will be clinical with drugs, a doctor probing my "special" areas, and a schedule. I joked about the prospect of ending up with quintuplets because in life when you are faced with something that saddens you, you can laugh or cry about it. I have done enough crying for many lifetimes to come.
The doctor told me, "You are young, you are healthy, you will get pregnant." I want to believe her, she is after all a fertility expert, but I am going to have my doubts because that is who I am and nothing so far in my life has come easy. I put my story out there because it's nothing to be ashamed of: it's part of who I am like my big brown eyes or short stature. Mind you it isn't a particularly favorite feature of mine, but it's there nonetheless. And the funny thing is the more I talk about it with people the more I am discovering just how many others out there know what I am going through.
I recently stated part of knowing our personal strengths is in accepting our limitations. I am also a firm believer of the mantra "Everything happens for a reason", so this must be a part of my journey.
For me I always pictured pregnancy happening after an intimate moment shared with my husband. But our conception will be clinical with drugs, a doctor probing my "special" areas, and a schedule. I joked about the prospect of ending up with quintuplets because in life when you are faced with something that saddens you, you can laugh or cry about it. I have done enough crying for many lifetimes to come.
The doctor told me, "You are young, you are healthy, you will get pregnant." I want to believe her, she is after all a fertility expert, but I am going to have my doubts because that is who I am and nothing so far in my life has come easy. I put my story out there because it's nothing to be ashamed of: it's part of who I am like my big brown eyes or short stature. Mind you it isn't a particularly favorite feature of mine, but it's there nonetheless. And the funny thing is the more I talk about it with people the more I am discovering just how many others out there know what I am going through.
I recently stated part of knowing our personal strengths is in accepting our limitations. I am also a firm believer of the mantra "Everything happens for a reason", so this must be a part of my journey.
I Never Learned How To Ride A Bicycle
True story! There is actually a sad reasoning behind it. The summer between second and third grade my grandpa was up visiting and teaching me how to ride a bike. I thought finally! Up until that point I would walk alongside my friends while they rode their bikes or drag along behind in my red radio flyer wagon. You remember those right? I was the only one still with training wheels on my bike which was the equivalent of wearing diapers as far as I was concerned; something for babies NOT an eight year old.
After a particularly brutal August afternoon that involved my grandpa doing some yard work at my house he went downstairs to take a nap. My dad told me to go get him because it was time to take him back into the city (where he lived). Eight year old me hopped down the stairs to the family room where my grandpa peacefully slept in the recliner. The problem was that I couldn't wake him up. My dad chalked it up to me trying too gently, but he couldn't wake grandpa up either. No one could. In his sleep he had died right there in the recliner of my family room.
Maybe it seems silly more than twenty years later, but I still associate learning to ride a bike with my grandfather and his death even though the two are completely unrelated. It's not as if I never tried again: once with my dad after college and once with my now husband a couple years after that. I just couldn't keep my balance. Later I was told I had an inner ear issue that made balancing a particularly difficult thing for me so in reality I may never be able to ride a bike.
Some people might say "What's the point? You're older now, you have a license and a car." But it's not about riding into town with my friends anymore, it's about being able to do something I haven't been able to do before. I want to learn to ride a bike for me, no other reason other than to prove I can do it. My entire life people have been imposing limitations on me: not pretty enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not cool enough, not good enough. This is something I just have to do. I need to finish what I started with my grandpa more than two decades ago.
When the spring comes, in Albany that's usually sometime in May/June, I'm dusting the cobwebs off my damn bike and going for it. Honestly what's the worst that can happen? I fall? It's like that song by the late Aaliyah "If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again".
After a particularly brutal August afternoon that involved my grandpa doing some yard work at my house he went downstairs to take a nap. My dad told me to go get him because it was time to take him back into the city (where he lived). Eight year old me hopped down the stairs to the family room where my grandpa peacefully slept in the recliner. The problem was that I couldn't wake him up. My dad chalked it up to me trying too gently, but he couldn't wake grandpa up either. No one could. In his sleep he had died right there in the recliner of my family room.
Maybe it seems silly more than twenty years later, but I still associate learning to ride a bike with my grandfather and his death even though the two are completely unrelated. It's not as if I never tried again: once with my dad after college and once with my now husband a couple years after that. I just couldn't keep my balance. Later I was told I had an inner ear issue that made balancing a particularly difficult thing for me so in reality I may never be able to ride a bike.
Some people might say "What's the point? You're older now, you have a license and a car." But it's not about riding into town with my friends anymore, it's about being able to do something I haven't been able to do before. I want to learn to ride a bike for me, no other reason other than to prove I can do it. My entire life people have been imposing limitations on me: not pretty enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not cool enough, not good enough. This is something I just have to do. I need to finish what I started with my grandpa more than two decades ago.
When the spring comes, in Albany that's usually sometime in May/June, I'm dusting the cobwebs off my damn bike and going for it. Honestly what's the worst that can happen? I fall? It's like that song by the late Aaliyah "If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again".
Reed + Lauren + Caleb = Trouble
Reed Hunter doesn't do romance. Why waste money on flowers, candy, and date night when you could just as easily spend it on pot? Besides Reed never had any trouble landing a girl he wanted with his good looks and smooth talking alone. Some say he was born girl crazy, but he prefers to be considered an appreciator of women...all women, no preference as to shape, color, size, ethnicity. And no two women are the same because they each have their own unique smell, taste, and noises they make when he gets them into bed. He's about the hunt, the chase, the game: if a girl gives in too easily then what's the point? If a girl plays too hard he moves on refusing to break a non-sexual sweat. Reed doesn't believe in relationships either; he's sixteen. Let him worry about boring things like commitment when he's old, like in his late twenties.
Caleb Garrahey has been coined "The Scarlet V" by his friends because he's the last remaining virgin in the group. Caleb never had a girlfriend, but not because there aren't girls out there who want him, because he's shy and a bit sheltered. He used to be an "ugly duckling" skinny, scabby knees, walking hunched over. Now he could be equated to looking like a Calvin Klein model although Caleb is completely oblivious to his hotness even when girls come onto him in a very direct way. Caleb is a dreamer and a romantic, but no one really knows this side of him unfortunately. He's the all around good guy: loyal friend, dutiful son, and model student. Life is passing him by because he is too damn passive about taking chances and putting himself out there.
Lauren Knapp is a mystery wrapped in an enigma buried under a puzzle. She transfers to Stanobia Academy, a private boarding high school, in her junior year. There are dark circumstances surrounding her arrival that she refuses to talk about with anyone at first. Lauren is beautiful although not in a typical way and no one at her previous school appreciated the way she looked and neither does she; the boys at Stanobia are a different story. She catches the immediate attention of both Reed and Caleb, but for very different reasons. Reed wants her because she's a challenge to him: the first girl to not melt at his feet standing up to him and his BS. Caleb falls for her because she encourages him to crawl out of his shell in order to experience life. The most important relationship to Lauren however is the one she is trying to repair with herself. Who gets the girl? To find out you'll have to read The Journey...
Caleb Garrahey has been coined "The Scarlet V" by his friends because he's the last remaining virgin in the group. Caleb never had a girlfriend, but not because there aren't girls out there who want him, because he's shy and a bit sheltered. He used to be an "ugly duckling" skinny, scabby knees, walking hunched over. Now he could be equated to looking like a Calvin Klein model although Caleb is completely oblivious to his hotness even when girls come onto him in a very direct way. Caleb is a dreamer and a romantic, but no one really knows this side of him unfortunately. He's the all around good guy: loyal friend, dutiful son, and model student. Life is passing him by because he is too damn passive about taking chances and putting himself out there.
Lauren Knapp is a mystery wrapped in an enigma buried under a puzzle. She transfers to Stanobia Academy, a private boarding high school, in her junior year. There are dark circumstances surrounding her arrival that she refuses to talk about with anyone at first. Lauren is beautiful although not in a typical way and no one at her previous school appreciated the way she looked and neither does she; the boys at Stanobia are a different story. She catches the immediate attention of both Reed and Caleb, but for very different reasons. Reed wants her because she's a challenge to him: the first girl to not melt at his feet standing up to him and his BS. Caleb falls for her because she encourages him to crawl out of his shell in order to experience life. The most important relationship to Lauren however is the one she is trying to repair with herself. Who gets the girl? To find out you'll have to read The Journey...
I used to live in Never Never Land
"Scars are proof that we were brave enough to fight the battle and strong enough to survive it"- Laura Kaponer-Abate 2008
Facebook is a great way to re-connect with people you knew back when. Some people have achieved so much traveling the world, playing venues in their band, high fashion modeling, starting up their own business ventures, and then there's me...
Looking back I see all the things I never was but desperately wanted to be. In school I was never popular, athletic, beautiful, invited to cool parties, or accomplished in any way that was important to my peers. Sure there were things I did well, but nothing I really did exceptionally well. That was then...
Now I see all the things I could be and the steps I am taking to get there. A New York Time's best selling novelist, a mother, physically and mentally healthy, a better friend, a supportive wife, and the best version of myself I could possibly be. I think part of knowing your strengths are knowing your limitations too. And I limit myself when I wait by the curb each day for Doc and Marty Mcfly to drive up in the DeLorean to whisk me off into my past to fix my supposed mistakes and short comings. Stop living in the shadows of your past Laura and look into the daylight of your future.
Everyone has a purpose. Maybe I don't know mine yet which would explain all my fumbles but I am still willing to try. The truth is that other ventures didn't work out for me previously because my heart wasn't in it. My heart has always been in writing. This novel saved me. It made me believe that I am extraordinary whether the rest of the world knows it or not. I know it or at least I'm trying to know it.
Facebook is a great way to re-connect with people you knew back when. Some people have achieved so much traveling the world, playing venues in their band, high fashion modeling, starting up their own business ventures, and then there's me...
Looking back I see all the things I never was but desperately wanted to be. In school I was never popular, athletic, beautiful, invited to cool parties, or accomplished in any way that was important to my peers. Sure there were things I did well, but nothing I really did exceptionally well. That was then...
Now I see all the things I could be and the steps I am taking to get there. A New York Time's best selling novelist, a mother, physically and mentally healthy, a better friend, a supportive wife, and the best version of myself I could possibly be. I think part of knowing your strengths are knowing your limitations too. And I limit myself when I wait by the curb each day for Doc and Marty Mcfly to drive up in the DeLorean to whisk me off into my past to fix my supposed mistakes and short comings. Stop living in the shadows of your past Laura and look into the daylight of your future.
Everyone has a purpose. Maybe I don't know mine yet which would explain all my fumbles but I am still willing to try. The truth is that other ventures didn't work out for me previously because my heart wasn't in it. My heart has always been in writing. This novel saved me. It made me believe that I am extraordinary whether the rest of the world knows it or not. I know it or at least I'm trying to know it.
Because Rita told me to do this back in November
Everyone is familiar with the "Twilight" books/movies and if you aren't you were probably living under a rock for the past two years.
My qualm is with this specific scene in "New Moon". Bella, an 18 year old girl, goes missing for hours. Her father Charlie being a typical father AND the chief of police sends out a search party for her especially with the mysterious gory deaths that just happen to occur in this town. Charlie is surrounded by his search party going over the next course of action when a half naked man (at least ten years older than Bella) walks out of the woods carrying an unconscious Bella. Everyone including Charlie thanks the naked man for finding Bella. WTF?
Let's look at the facts here:
Teenage daughter MIA for hours
History of gruesome deaths in the town
Half naked older man carrying teenage girl
Teenage girl unconscious
How many dads do you know that would be thanking the half naked man? Now how many dad's do you know that would be using their shot gun on the man? I know this is not just me. And my dad was a conservative elementary school teacher who hardly ever let anything phase him, but somehow I doubt he would be thanking a half naked man carrying an unconscious me out of the woods. Just sayin.
Let me clarify that I like the movies and will probably see the third installment Eclipse opening weekend. It's just the unrealistic nature of that entire scene rubbed me the wrong way. Stephanie Meyers seems to be doing alright for herself and is far more established in her career than I am, but I hope with my book I can keep it real. I get that her book is fantasy: vampires, werewolves, ect. But that scene was a situation very much grounded in the realms of reality at least there was nothing supernatural about it.
Where I grew up teenagers experimented with drugs, sex, and the darker things in life. I grew up in suburbia in a town like so many other towns across the country. So when I read a book about teenagers it confuses me when these things aren't even mentioned. These days I have found there are more wolves in high school than little red riding hoods. By no means am I promoting these things, but I'm not discounting them either. They happen whether parents, teachers, and other adults choose to recognize them or not. Someone asked me if my book was the type of book parents would want their kids to read. I answered honestly and said "no". My book is putting it all out there, but I am not using anything I haven't personally or second hand experienced. Some people prefer to live in their bubble of ignorant bliss whereas I do not.
It's like one of my character's says, "I would rather you hurt with me your truth than pacify me with your lies."
My qualm is with this specific scene in "New Moon". Bella, an 18 year old girl, goes missing for hours. Her father Charlie being a typical father AND the chief of police sends out a search party for her especially with the mysterious gory deaths that just happen to occur in this town. Charlie is surrounded by his search party going over the next course of action when a half naked man (at least ten years older than Bella) walks out of the woods carrying an unconscious Bella. Everyone including Charlie thanks the naked man for finding Bella. WTF?
Let's look at the facts here:
Teenage daughter MIA for hours
History of gruesome deaths in the town
Half naked older man carrying teenage girl
Teenage girl unconscious
How many dads do you know that would be thanking the half naked man? Now how many dad's do you know that would be using their shot gun on the man? I know this is not just me. And my dad was a conservative elementary school teacher who hardly ever let anything phase him, but somehow I doubt he would be thanking a half naked man carrying an unconscious me out of the woods. Just sayin.
Let me clarify that I like the movies and will probably see the third installment Eclipse opening weekend. It's just the unrealistic nature of that entire scene rubbed me the wrong way. Stephanie Meyers seems to be doing alright for herself and is far more established in her career than I am, but I hope with my book I can keep it real. I get that her book is fantasy: vampires, werewolves, ect. But that scene was a situation very much grounded in the realms of reality at least there was nothing supernatural about it.
Where I grew up teenagers experimented with drugs, sex, and the darker things in life. I grew up in suburbia in a town like so many other towns across the country. So when I read a book about teenagers it confuses me when these things aren't even mentioned. These days I have found there are more wolves in high school than little red riding hoods. By no means am I promoting these things, but I'm not discounting them either. They happen whether parents, teachers, and other adults choose to recognize them or not. Someone asked me if my book was the type of book parents would want their kids to read. I answered honestly and said "no". My book is putting it all out there, but I am not using anything I haven't personally or second hand experienced. Some people prefer to live in their bubble of ignorant bliss whereas I do not.
It's like one of my character's says, "I would rather you hurt with me your truth than pacify me with your lies."
Too Many Adverbs Spoils The Soup
Walking the streets alone at night you hear foot steps creeping up behind you. You look back, but no one is there. Picking up your pace you take your keys out of your pocket hoping to get into your car as soon as possible. The steps behind you get louder and sound like they're coming closer. A cool chill runs down your spine, your heart begins to race, and your breathing is uneven. Although you cannot see it, you know what's lurking within the shadows because you've heard the horror stories from others who have been attacked. It's every writer's greatest fear; the adverb.
Some of the most successful novelists such as Stephen King talk about the perils of adverbs and how they detract from a good story. Adverbs are a crutch rookie writers cling onto for dear life. I have previously mentioned my concerns about the length of my novel and I think eliminating most if not all of my adverbs might be a fair solution to chop down the word count without compromising the integrity of the story line. Unfortunately I am more than halfway through the self-editing process at this point, a grueling task at best, so I have an idea for how to skim my novel for adverbs: I'll do a word search for the letters "ly" because I have a theory that most adverbs end in "ly"(slowly, softly, deeply, sadly).
I never had a strong feeling towards adverbs one way or the other, but apparently the writing community at large feels negatively towards them. Not that I am a conformist by any means, but to get into the game you have to first play by the rules and then when you have made a name for yourself you can start to break the rules. So adverbs, nothing personal but I just think we'd be better off as friends. We had good times and I'll never forget the way you gently, softly, and deeply loved me but I need to grow and move on. You're holding me back. It's not you, well yes it is you and not me.
Some of the most successful novelists such as Stephen King talk about the perils of adverbs and how they detract from a good story. Adverbs are a crutch rookie writers cling onto for dear life. I have previously mentioned my concerns about the length of my novel and I think eliminating most if not all of my adverbs might be a fair solution to chop down the word count without compromising the integrity of the story line. Unfortunately I am more than halfway through the self-editing process at this point, a grueling task at best, so I have an idea for how to skim my novel for adverbs: I'll do a word search for the letters "ly" because I have a theory that most adverbs end in "ly"(slowly, softly, deeply, sadly).
I never had a strong feeling towards adverbs one way or the other, but apparently the writing community at large feels negatively towards them. Not that I am a conformist by any means, but to get into the game you have to first play by the rules and then when you have made a name for yourself you can start to break the rules. So adverbs, nothing personal but I just think we'd be better off as friends. We had good times and I'll never forget the way you gently, softly, and deeply loved me but I need to grow and move on. You're holding me back. It's not you, well yes it is you and not me.
Rainbows, pots of gold, and oreo cookies
Did you ever know someone who had the tendancy to complain about their unfortunate circumstances, but never did a damn thing to change them? The girl complaining about her weight while she devours an entire box of oreos or the guy who complains he never has any money to pay his bills but seems to have enough to go out drinking three times a week? Yeah...those people. Well I used to be one of those people too. This past New Years I was depressed that another year had gone by and I had yet to accomplish any of my dreams, one of the biggest ones being "write a novel". A friend told me, "If you're upset about your dreams not coming true, then go make them come true."
With St. Patrick's day approaching I am thinking about that mythical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. So here I am chasing rainbows, getting winded cause I'm very out of shape, but still here I am running after them. One rainbow will lead me to a literary agent, another will lead me to a publisher, and yet another will lead me towards the journey of my next novel which I have already started writing. (My husband Antonio says this is premature however) Maybe all these years I never found my pot of gold because I was sitting around waiting for it to fall in my lap instead of being more proactive about hunting it down myself.
My life has not been an easy one for reasons I would rather not disclose on a blog. And for years all I could see were the dark clouds, thunder storms, and puddles surrounding me. The infamous "they" say its best to write what you know, well I know teen angst pretty damn well so my novel The Journey is full of it. There are six characters struggling with life and the search for who they are. Dani needs to open her heart to love, Reed needs to learn how to be a friend to himself and others, Tyler needs to accept his own personal limitations, Perry needs to let go of the past and learn to grow from it, Caleb needs to come out of his shell by taking chances and experiecing life, and Lauren needs to make peace with herself. All six of them chasing rainbows, but what's beautiful is that they don't even know it.
Sweaty, out of breath, with all my muscles aching as I keep running like a decapitated chicken towards those rainbows that will lead me to my pot of gold. At least this time around I'm actually going for it.
With St. Patrick's day approaching I am thinking about that mythical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. So here I am chasing rainbows, getting winded cause I'm very out of shape, but still here I am running after them. One rainbow will lead me to a literary agent, another will lead me to a publisher, and yet another will lead me towards the journey of my next novel which I have already started writing. (My husband Antonio says this is premature however) Maybe all these years I never found my pot of gold because I was sitting around waiting for it to fall in my lap instead of being more proactive about hunting it down myself.
My life has not been an easy one for reasons I would rather not disclose on a blog. And for years all I could see were the dark clouds, thunder storms, and puddles surrounding me. The infamous "they" say its best to write what you know, well I know teen angst pretty damn well so my novel The Journey is full of it. There are six characters struggling with life and the search for who they are. Dani needs to open her heart to love, Reed needs to learn how to be a friend to himself and others, Tyler needs to accept his own personal limitations, Perry needs to let go of the past and learn to grow from it, Caleb needs to come out of his shell by taking chances and experiecing life, and Lauren needs to make peace with herself. All six of them chasing rainbows, but what's beautiful is that they don't even know it.
Sweaty, out of breath, with all my muscles aching as I keep running like a decapitated chicken towards those rainbows that will lead me to my pot of gold. At least this time around I'm actually going for it.
Speed Dating For Novelists
Over the course of the last week I rifted through the names of approximately 250 literary agents in an effort to send out query letters to find a potential match for my novel. So far I have received three rejections. The old Laura would have taken it personally, shed some tears, and gone into a self deprecating tirade. But honestly what's the point? There will be so many more to come. As one e-rejection put it "this is an industry of opinions and ours is only but one, so please keep trying." Well duh!
I equate finding "the one", the agent who will fall in love with my manuscript, to dating. Sometimes a person will walk right past you without even looking. Other times they'll glance, but disregard you. Then there's the occasional flirting which may lead to a first date. During the dating process you get to know someone both mentally and physically. Finding a literary agent is more about the physical in my opinion. They lay it all out there for you: some want a mere taste of you while others want you to give it all up right away. Then you're left vulnerable waiting to see if they want more. Will they call me? Did they like me? Considering all the query letters I sent out, some with pieces of my manuscript, I'm feeling a little slutty.
But you have to put yourself out there, it's all part of the mating game. And I could end up with 100 rejections, probably will and that's okay, because all I need in the end is one acceptance. All I need is that one literary agent to see the potential in my novel; that one agent who will want to climb into bed with it (figuratively of course) and feel the passion I felt while I created it.
What do I want in an agent? Someone who is persistent, honest, creative, intelligent, can think outside the box, loyal, can give me a swift kick in the ass when I need it but isn't afraid to hold my hand if I need that too, and most importantly someone who believes in my novel as much as I do. Notice I didn't list anything about experience level because someone may be new to the game but have more fire than those who have been around a lot longer; much like myself.
So I sit here waiting, hoping, wanting, and dreaming for that special someone. I know in my heart they will come, it's just a matter of when and how.
I equate finding "the one", the agent who will fall in love with my manuscript, to dating. Sometimes a person will walk right past you without even looking. Other times they'll glance, but disregard you. Then there's the occasional flirting which may lead to a first date. During the dating process you get to know someone both mentally and physically. Finding a literary agent is more about the physical in my opinion. They lay it all out there for you: some want a mere taste of you while others want you to give it all up right away. Then you're left vulnerable waiting to see if they want more. Will they call me? Did they like me? Considering all the query letters I sent out, some with pieces of my manuscript, I'm feeling a little slutty.
But you have to put yourself out there, it's all part of the mating game. And I could end up with 100 rejections, probably will and that's okay, because all I need in the end is one acceptance. All I need is that one literary agent to see the potential in my novel; that one agent who will want to climb into bed with it (figuratively of course) and feel the passion I felt while I created it.
What do I want in an agent? Someone who is persistent, honest, creative, intelligent, can think outside the box, loyal, can give me a swift kick in the ass when I need it but isn't afraid to hold my hand if I need that too, and most importantly someone who believes in my novel as much as I do. Notice I didn't list anything about experience level because someone may be new to the game but have more fire than those who have been around a lot longer; much like myself.
So I sit here waiting, hoping, wanting, and dreaming for that special someone. I know in my heart they will come, it's just a matter of when and how.
Weight Watchers for my Novel
The average first novel ranges in length from 60,000-90,000 words. The Journey is approximately 214,000 words. So I begin stressing out over the idea of skimming my novel down by more than half because it'll end up looking like a third world country refugee. My mom tells me, "Since when have you done things the way everyone else does?" She has a point.
The Journey has six main characters. Count that: six! They each have their own journey to experience which means my novel has six smaller stories within that whole story. I was asked what the main thread to my novel is. And it was best explained as six different threads braided together. (thanks Dav Freedman) So with six different MAIN characters it's impossible to tell the story in 60,000-90,000 words. Will I be trimming the fat? Of course, those who know me best know I am always trying to trim the fat. But trimming the fat may mean I get the book down to 200,000 words. Maybe my book would be considered chubby or big boned then. Who knows?
The self editing process is tedious though. Well I enjoy writing, thrive on it actually, I can definitely say that I hate editing. Grammar and spelling are not my strong suit and the computer only catches so much, so you have to go through it yourself with a fine tooth comb. For example if you misspell a word, but it spells another word correctly then the computer won't catch that. And then there are content fix-ups that need to be done. This story took me about four months to write, so it may take about half that time to properly edit the book.
Patience is a virtue I don't have. Anyone know where I can purchase a bushel of it?
The Journey has six main characters. Count that: six! They each have their own journey to experience which means my novel has six smaller stories within that whole story. I was asked what the main thread to my novel is. And it was best explained as six different threads braided together. (thanks Dav Freedman) So with six different MAIN characters it's impossible to tell the story in 60,000-90,000 words. Will I be trimming the fat? Of course, those who know me best know I am always trying to trim the fat. But trimming the fat may mean I get the book down to 200,000 words. Maybe my book would be considered chubby or big boned then. Who knows?
The self editing process is tedious though. Well I enjoy writing, thrive on it actually, I can definitely say that I hate editing. Grammar and spelling are not my strong suit and the computer only catches so much, so you have to go through it yourself with a fine tooth comb. For example if you misspell a word, but it spells another word correctly then the computer won't catch that. And then there are content fix-ups that need to be done. This story took me about four months to write, so it may take about half that time to properly edit the book.
Patience is a virtue I don't have. Anyone know where I can purchase a bushel of it?
Pimpin The Novel
Everyone who sets foot into my house knows about my parakeet Juli. Juli has a habit of making herself known whether its the small feathers or seeds she's dropped around or that damn loud screeching she does (the equivalent of a two year old's temper tantrum). Juli has no problem flying onto your shoulder especially when you don't want her to because she wants you to know she's here and you can't ignore her no matter how hard you try. As silly as it might sound this bird is great at self promoting.
WWW.writersmarket.com talks about one of the most important things a new or established author can do is self promote. I mean what's the point of having created an amazing piece of literature if no one knows about it? Don't get me wrong, I fully understand that there are people out there who write just for themselves because I used to be one of those people too. Nothing wrong with that at all, but my novel was meant to be read by many. So how do I get that to happen?
Here are some ideas. With the help of my dear friend Dave I want to turn this blog into a basic website. First and foremost I need to add some graphics to spice things up, make it a little easier on the eyes. Next I want to add some interaction: funny poles, question and answers page, and open ended blogs prompting reader response. One fun thing I wanted to do was create a link for each character with a blurb about them, an excerpt from the book on them, and a feature where you can ask that character a question and I'll respond in that character's "voice". There would also be an about the author section for those of you wondering "Who the hell is this girl?" I wonder that myself at times. Then of course there would be progress reports about my process: how far along am I in my editing, did I find an agent, did I find a publisher, ect. I also want to schedule some reading of my book at local book stores or coffee houses. But most of all I want to hear from YOU. What are some ideas you have? What directions do you think I should go in with my self promoting aside from screeching and flying on people's shoulders?
I want people to know my name, Laura Kaponer, and I want people to know my book, The Journey. Someone recently told me that it is persistence that shows others how passionate you are for something. I plan on being very persistent in the efforts to make my dream become a reality.
WWW.writersmarket.com talks about one of the most important things a new or established author can do is self promote. I mean what's the point of having created an amazing piece of literature if no one knows about it? Don't get me wrong, I fully understand that there are people out there who write just for themselves because I used to be one of those people too. Nothing wrong with that at all, but my novel was meant to be read by many. So how do I get that to happen?
Here are some ideas. With the help of my dear friend Dave I want to turn this blog into a basic website. First and foremost I need to add some graphics to spice things up, make it a little easier on the eyes. Next I want to add some interaction: funny poles, question and answers page, and open ended blogs prompting reader response. One fun thing I wanted to do was create a link for each character with a blurb about them, an excerpt from the book on them, and a feature where you can ask that character a question and I'll respond in that character's "voice". There would also be an about the author section for those of you wondering "Who the hell is this girl?" I wonder that myself at times. Then of course there would be progress reports about my process: how far along am I in my editing, did I find an agent, did I find a publisher, ect. I also want to schedule some reading of my book at local book stores or coffee houses. But most of all I want to hear from YOU. What are some ideas you have? What directions do you think I should go in with my self promoting aside from screeching and flying on people's shoulders?
I want people to know my name, Laura Kaponer, and I want people to know my book, The Journey. Someone recently told me that it is persistence that shows others how passionate you are for something. I plan on being very persistent in the efforts to make my dream become a reality.
My Query
What happens when a transfer student from New York named Lauren Knapp walks into the lives of five childhood friends attending a boarding school outside of Salem, Massachusetts? There is mystery surrounding who Lauren is and how she wound up at the locally prestigious Stanobia Academy and it is her sudden appearance into the world of these five friends that becomes a catalyst for not only her own personal journey of self discovery, but each of their own as well. It is during this junior year of high school that each of them will realize at sixteen years old you possess all the vulnerabilities of your childhood while learning the first responsibilities of adulthood. Tyler Fazio is a boy born into privilege who naturally excels at everything he sets out to do. Reed Hunter is equipped with a carefree attitude about life and a typical teenage boy’s one track mind. Perry Richards is the only one attending the school on an athletic scholarship although his true passions belong to his art. Caleb Garrahey is the shy small town boy sheltering himself from his own happiness. And Danielle Harris is constantly trying to out-do the boys being the only girl in the original group proving she’s tougher, stronger, and faster than the rest. There will be love found and love lost, deep secrets from the past brought into light, and in the end no one will remain the same person they once were. Travel the emotional roller coaster of The Journey from laughter to tears and back to laughter first hand as you see the experiences of Tyler, Reed, Perry, Caleb, Danielle, and Lauren through their own eyes.
The Journey is a raw piece of young adult fiction because being a teenager in the modern day is raw: drugs, alcohol, sex, romance, and homework make high school a modern day battle field. All of the characters are flawed with their own personal inner demons to face; some will triumph while others will fail. The novel is approximately 300 pages in length, told in the third person, and switches perspective amongst the six different characters as the story progresses. At the very core it's about showing how at sixteen years old you think you know everything, but the first lesson is in admitting that you know nothing. I believe there is a story to be told about the real American teenager who is rough around the edges, clumsy, and at times offensive but it is these things that make them genuine.
Who am I? I grew up in the suburbs of New York City in a town called Valley Cottage. When I was about seven years old I first discovered my love for writing, but my first major honor came in the fifth grade when I won a D.A.R.E writing competition. The summer before I entered the sixth grade I wrote a letter to the editor of The Rockland Journal News entitled "Save The Geese". In middle school I performed an originally composed song at a school peace concert and my poetry was published in the yearbook. Later on in high school I co-wrote and organized the ceremony for my Jewish Confirmation, self published an anthology for a class project, and performed another originally composed song at graduation. I attended the State University of New York at Albany where I majored in English with a concentration in writing. Although my background is predominantly in poetry, short stories, and essays I have become captivated by the novel writing experience. This is my first novel, but definitely won't be my last. As described by one of my former classmates, "Laura Kaponer is a diamond in the rough".
The Journey is a raw piece of young adult fiction because being a teenager in the modern day is raw: drugs, alcohol, sex, romance, and homework make high school a modern day battle field. All of the characters are flawed with their own personal inner demons to face; some will triumph while others will fail. The novel is approximately 300 pages in length, told in the third person, and switches perspective amongst the six different characters as the story progresses. At the very core it's about showing how at sixteen years old you think you know everything, but the first lesson is in admitting that you know nothing. I believe there is a story to be told about the real American teenager who is rough around the edges, clumsy, and at times offensive but it is these things that make them genuine.
Who am I? I grew up in the suburbs of New York City in a town called Valley Cottage. When I was about seven years old I first discovered my love for writing, but my first major honor came in the fifth grade when I won a D.A.R.E writing competition. The summer before I entered the sixth grade I wrote a letter to the editor of The Rockland Journal News entitled "Save The Geese". In middle school I performed an originally composed song at a school peace concert and my poetry was published in the yearbook. Later on in high school I co-wrote and organized the ceremony for my Jewish Confirmation, self published an anthology for a class project, and performed another originally composed song at graduation. I attended the State University of New York at Albany where I majored in English with a concentration in writing. Although my background is predominantly in poetry, short stories, and essays I have become captivated by the novel writing experience. This is my first novel, but definitely won't be my last. As described by one of my former classmates, "Laura Kaponer is a diamond in the rough".
Confidence Savings Account
Once a guy I met told me, "I wish I could just give you an injection of confidence." This comment was made after knowing me for less than an hour, but it doesn't take all that long to be around me and know I am not by any means a confident person. There are situations in my life where I should have been confident, but I wasn't and no amount of accolades would have made me confident. There are many possible reasons for this: a little too much bullying in my childhood, constantly struggling for every minute achievement, and even my greatest accomplishments getting short sided by others. Whatever the reason behind this lack of confidence it all boils down to the fact that I just don't believe in my self.
When it comes to my writing I would describe myself as a sprinter rather than a middle distance or marathon runner: short stories, plays, and mostly poetry. Although I love writing I was always too anxious to get to the finish line which often meant I would miss out on the all important process; the actual run itself. When you run, or speed walk as I used to do, its not about the mileage you put on your sneakers but rather the wind against your face, the feel of the earth underneath your feet, and the surge of adrenaline throughout your entire body. I always wanted to be a published author which for me meant an anthology of my short stories, plays, and poetry.
Then I experienced The Journey. The Journey is my first novel which some may argue may a bit too long boasting over three-hundred pages. Hey I'm an extremist constantly bouncing from one end of the spectrum to the other. For me the book was about getting to know these characters: seeing the world from their point of view, feeling their hurt and frustration and greatest triumphs. The book earned it's title not only from what the characters went through, but also what I went through as well. For me writing this novel was a journey and in the end as corny as it may seem within these new characters I created I found new friends. And as I learned about the book I learned about myself.
All these years I have been storing away confidence much like a savings account or college fund waiting for that moment in my life when I would splurge on that one big thing. This is it, it's finally arrived after more than twenty years, and that moment is this novel. I know this novel will be successful and touch readers the way it has touched this writer. And I can't tell you how or why or what, but it will happen and I just know it. Faith is the belief in something without the tangible evidence to support it or in spite of tangible evidence against it. I have faith in The Journey and the amazing places it will take me.
About Me
- ElbieNy25
- "Scars are proof that we were brave enough to fight the battle and strong enough to survive it"-me 2008 Unfortunately/fortunately I have many scars from life, but I'm still here. I've been writing for over twenty years and just recently finished my first manuscript entitled "The Journey". I love peopl; they fascinate me with their stories, quirks, and mysterious ways.