The results are in from my ultrasound this morning. The clomid didn't work. I asked my OBGYN if my husband and I should still go forward with the sex schedule this month. She said, "It won't hurt, but I don't see anything happening either." The game plan is to increase the dosage next month, run another test, and see if that round works.
Do I even have a right to be angry? And if so, at who? It's no ones fault I am infertile. It just is what it is. So screaming and kicking things might feel good in the moment but they won't bring me a baby.
Should I cry? I have cried so many times over this already. The pain is so deep when I realize there is a chance that I may never be a mother. Crying won't bring me a baby either.
For reasons I can't get into right now I am unable to adopt. I would love to adopt, but the system won't allow me. So if I don't have a baby by my own means, then it just won't happen.
Those who have known me a long time know my life has been a constant struggle. Nothing comes easy. Everything is some epic battle. An incurable health condition since I was three, more than a decade of bullying and torment in school/professional world, and now this whole baby thing. Am I perfect? Far from it. But I would like to believe that I am a good person who lives my life being honest, respectful, and kind. When do I get my turn in the sunshine?
It is what it is. I am what I am. It'll be what it'll be. And I'll forge forward because I don't know any other way. I just wonder if it'll ever get better and if so when? I've been waiting more than twenty years for the answer to that question.
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About Me
- ElbieNy25
- "Scars are proof that we were brave enough to fight the battle and strong enough to survive it"-me 2008 Unfortunately/fortunately I have many scars from life, but I'm still here. I've been writing for over twenty years and just recently finished my first manuscript entitled "The Journey". I love peopl; they fascinate me with their stories, quirks, and mysterious ways.
4 comments:
Aw! I know there aren't words to make this better. Just know that my thoughts are with you, hon.
The pain I feel for you will never compare to yours by any measure or the trials and tribulations that you have overcome to become the person you are today. You have come so far down a broken road with pot holes and road blocks that you have managed to become this magnificant, beautiful soul whom inspires the world with your words. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Your not alone. It seems the ones who shouldn't be parents are those who often have the largest families. Then there are those who would love to have a child and a family, and they were dealt a bad card. One day you'll learn the answer to your question... but if you've been waiting 20 years for that answer already... then it is likely you will no longer care when you get it.
Hey girl! I too went through infertility, never became pregnant, and ultimately adopted. I blogged through most of the journey and you can start at the beginning at
http://aray2004.blogspot.com/2008/05/so-today-is-first-day.html
I trusted my OB whole-heartedly to do her job and help me become pregnant. When we were unable to become pregnant I blamed myself and God. It wasn't until two years later that I learned I that I should have blamed her. Apparently I had turned to the incorrect OB as she was simply not equipped to recognize my condition. I would urge you to do three things:
1) Seek a specialist. It will be expensive but you will be glad you did and will ultimately be much more beneficial than your OB. I say this because of the statement "Clomid didn't work so we are increasing the dosage". Depending upon how much blood work she did and how much she knows about your aforementioned medical condition, you may be dealing with something Clomid won't solve. (which was my ultimate issue and could have been avoided had I just gone to see a specialist) Therefore, increasing the dosage is just going to make you experience more side effects of the drug and accomplish nothing.
2) Know that you are not crazy. You are NOT CRAZY. Infertility is devestating to a woman and ranks among the top three most stressful events a person can go through. Combine that with the emotional and psychological side effects that come with Clomid and you probably do feel crazy. Ask your doctor (or the specialist you should go see!) about Femera. It is like Clmid with fewer side effects so it should help.
3) Know you are not alone. I am about to begin the fertility process one last time (won't be blogging about it this time so don't look for my new journey!)...this time I am doing things so differently and I feel much better!
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