Change your attitude, change your life

I used to play the victim and believe me when I say I did it quite well. Everything ugly in my life was always someone else's fault. In efforts to gain sympathy I would post on my blog, facebook, or just ramble my sob story to anyone who would listen.

Please hear all the overly dramatized details of my big bad life. Accepted responses can include: you don't deserve this, things will get better, you poor sweet baby. Pretty much any version of that will do. Bonus points if you supply ice cream to me as well.

Well here's the real deal, being the weeping girl in the dark corner got old. After a while people grew tired of my piss poor attitude and moved on, and honestly who can blame them? Who wants to be around a 24/7 giant ball of misery? Negativity breeds negativity and I was like the plague. Unfortunately I did not have the option to run away from myself which meant I could continue to have my own perpetual pity party or I could make some serious changes.

Self refection can be a pretty grueling process. Looking into yourself, saying these things are not okay, and they need to be addressed. Equally important is seeing the things that are pretty wonderful and finding a way to bring those more to the surface. I knew I was in for a long uphill battle, did I have it in me to go the distance? There's no way to half ass this, all or nothing.

In recent years I have been someone that has lived by mottos, one of my favorite being "Change your attitude, change your life." It works, trust me when I say I am living proof.

When I played the victim it meant I had no power over my circumstances because I gave all that power to outside influences. In taking responsibility for the things in my life I take back the power and give myself the ability to change things. Not everything bad is someone else's fault, but at the same time not everything is my fault either.

Two major things come to light where I saw dramatic changes once I adjusted my attitude, the first was my health. I was very overweight with various ailments because of it. It was easy to say this was just how I was meant to be, inhale a box of cookies, and stay slothy on my couch watching endless hours of television. There was no quality to my life.

A choice was made to play a more active role by rejoining Weight Watchers and getting back into physical activity. Oddly enough I discovered a love of cooking fresh and nutritious meals as opposed to my previous preference of take-out/microwavable dishes. Additionally I experienced a surge of energy when I engaged in exercise that made me feel a rush I hadn't thought possible. The weight melted off, I stopped needing certain medications, and my quality of life vastly improved. I made a vow to myself to take care of myself from that point forward.

The second and honestly harder change was when it came to the relationships in my life. For years it was so easy to say I had been taken advantage of, been used, neglected, betrayed by the various people I had let into my life. Now that may have been true, but I was the one who gave those people the ability to do that. If I didn't stand up for myself or gave trust away too easily before I allowed someone the proper chance to earn it, then that's on me and not them. I choose who to date and befriend, no one else does that for me. So if I choose to invest in people with questionable character then I need to accept responsibility when that particular choice burns me.

Additionally when a relationship falls apart it is never just ONE person's fault. Every player had a role in the break down of a romance or friendship. For me I need to step back and evaluate how things went down from the other person's perspective. What drove them to act or say certain things. What was my contribution? In the future what can I do differently? It's always a learning opportunity because if you don't learn from it you'll keep doing the same thing over and over again. I will never be able to control other people's behaviors, but I do have complete control over how I act and react towards them. That is in my power, that is my choice and no one can ever take that away from me.

It was really enlightening for me when I discovered certain patterns in my previous relationships. It's really difficult to place the blame entirely on someone else when the same things kept happening. I had to look at the one common denominator which was me. And although I still have relationships both platonic and romantic that don't always turn out the way I had hoped, I am glad to say that in the past two years they have all been vastly different which means I am learning, growing, and adapting. And believe me when I say that I am far from done in that process.

I would also like to give thanks to all the people past and present that have been a part of my journey so far. Each person has taught me something about myself. I am able to see with much more clarity my strengths, my weaknesses, and discover new and exciting parts of who I am.

My attitude now is that life is good, my life is good. It is not perfect nor will it ever be, but the things I am unhappy with I now understand I have the power to change. I have the power over my life and that feels pretty great.

The Past Isn't Really Just The Past

It is often said that by living in the past you are ignoring the present and therefore denying yourself a future. Well I have to respectfully disagree because it is the path of our past that brought us to our current circumstances and will ultimately pave the way for whatever future we may have. Our past triumphs and failures helped shape the person we are and therefore cannot be so easily dismissed.

Recently I have experienced some hurdles with people close in my life because something I said or did triggered something in them from a past hurt. In one said situation I am embarrassed to say I actually requested that the person sweep that past underneath the rug and just try to move forward with me. My reasoning, as faulty as it was, was that I just didn't want to deal with it because of what negativity it may bring me. For priding myself on being an incredibly empathetic person that was a very callous action. How can I ever expect to build a relationship with someone without really knowing where they came from and how it got them to the here and now? The answer is that I can't.

People with all their many woven layers fascinate me. There is always this strong desire to dig deeper, unlock the mysteries of what makes this person's wheels turn and how they turn. And most people in your life will have come into your life somewhere in the middle of a journey, your beginning with them is not their actual beginning. What was the prequel to their story? Everyone has an origin.

If I want to develop something deeper than a casual acquaintanceship with someone I need to allow them the opportunity to open themselves up to me in ways that will most likely make both of us very uncomfortable. There will be stories they will tell that are not suitable for the Disney crowd. I need to shut up and listen, then offer my compassion and support. To really establish something with someone I hope to have in my life long term I need to create a safe space where they can lower their guard to let me see past the superficialities they may present to the rest of the world. And in all fairness I need to do the same in return; share, open, let them in. Yes, this creates an opportunity for extreme vulnerability where either of us may very well get hurt again OR it may create a chance for both of us to bond on a mutual trust that was born in that moment of emotional intimacy. 

There is such negativity surrounding past "baggage", but why does it have to be that way? If someone is happy or successful or damaged or cruel it's for a reason. People aren't just they way they are just because; the universe made them that way through a series of events, circumstances, and experiences. There is really no such thing as a completely clean slate or fresh start short of entire amnesia and even then it won't erase the impact you have had on others.

It's important to me that the bonds I establish with the people in my life are as genuine as possible. That means we have to allow the ugly to shine through and we all have a bit of ugly in us. I have to recognize that this person in front of me didn't just materialize out of nowhere, they walked a certain path that got them to this point in time. Go back in time, travel that path with them, allow them to travel mine with me. Recognize that we all have scars as proof we survived something. Don't be afraid of it.

Honestly I can't decide if I am more afraid of me or them, but I do recognize the very reality of this fear and my need to face it head on. 

Looks Aren't Everything, but They Really Kind of Are

In sixth grade I had a good friend Robert Curti. A natural friendship developed based on the close proximity of our lockers. He was also half hobbit like myself which brought about a mutual appreciation for being so small in such a large world, after all we had giant eight graders lurking around every corner. One of my favorite things about this friendship was how much we made one another laugh. Laughter is kind of one of my things, I might even adore it more than cheese. (another story for another time)

So what did I do? What I always do…I began crushing on my friend. I couldn't have just left well enough alone, nope I had to develop this monster "doodling his name in hearts on my notebook while daydreaming about our storybook wedding" crush. I know I am not completely alone in this. You have that awesome friend that gets certain pop culture references others don't, the person that makes you smile after that killer Social Studies test, and they are kind of nice to look at too. We as a human race are incredibly shallow, a point I will get into more later, but it is completely true and we should just all drown in this puddle of shallowness from time to time….or maybe not, I don't know, I digress.

Now remember this is middle school, so things must get handled a certain way. I told a mutual friend, Michael Sarracino, to tell Robert that I liked him as more than a friend and to find out if he liked me too. I know you are all on the edge of your seats and although I understand the many benefits of delayed gratification I am one impatient bitch, so here we go:

Michael reports back to me, "Robert said you are so incredibly smart. He likes how down to earth you are and that you're not some stuck up snob like most of the girls around here. He loves your morning chats, you always make him laugh….but you're a complete dog and he would never date you."

Obviously I was crushed by my crush, I understand that's how things often play out. I mean if everybody I crushed on crushed on me too, well there just aren't enough hours in the day to be with that many people….woah mama! And even though Robert hurt my feelings, I really didn't want to lose the friendship, but he was completely done with me. He immediately started bullying me so harshly (words do hurt my friends) that I started carrying around all my books on me to avoid going to my locker or when I absolutely had to go I never went alone. Strength in numbers and all that. :-(

I felt an emoticon was appropriate there, so I added it.

Robert wasn't the first to do that to me and definitely not the last. Throughout the rest of middle school, high school, and college I was told multiple times how I was just not attractive enough or too fat, mostly it was that I was too fat, to be dateable. ::sigh:: Obviously this gave me a bit of a complex and even though there were some very wonderful people in my life that would tell me just how beautiful they found me, that was never what I saw looking back in me in the mirror. I would fixate on all the things supposedly wrong with me physically: bad hair, acne, overweight, scars, ect.

About two years ago I got my life on track because of some problems that arose from living a very very unhealthy life. I lost weight and with that gained the desire to put much more effort into my appearance (I didn't even see the point in trying before) by doing my hair, making certain fashion choices, occasionally wearing some make-up. The Robert Curti's of the world started treating me quite differently.

I started getting Facebook friend requests from people that wanted nothing to do with me back in school now insisting we catch up and get together. I got my very first cat call while walking to my car after work one day. Two men literally fought over who could hold the door for me at the bank a couple of weeks ago. And sometimes without asking retailers will give me stuff heavily discounted or for free. I just kept saying that people were being so nice to me all of a sudden and it was pointed out to me that people aren't THAT nice, they're shallow and think I am hot. The kindness is a ploy to get into my pants. Interesting side note, I mostly wear skirts and dresses. I just felt the need to point out a potential hole in the statement of getting into my pants.

While I can appreciate all the attention, I am still the same person just with a shinier spruced out exterior. And honestly a good deal of the time I do NOT see what others see when I see myself. I still have a tendency to fixate on what still needs to be worked on. I am still being judged for my looks. Before people didn't want to get to know me because I wasn't appealing to them and now fairly often people ONLY want to get to know me because I look appetizing to them. In the past year I have had "friends" that kept me around because they thought I was nice to look at, but didn't particularly care for me as a person. Those people have since been voted off the island.

I understand when we see something pretty we get excited, I am certainly no exception to this. But I do still believe a person is much more than the sum of their outward appearance. This is why I have and always will have people in my life of all shapes, sizes, and colors. There is a currently vacancy for a purple trapezoid friend if you know of any.

I am also very humbled by this experience because on some level deep down to me I will always be that ugly little girl no one wanted. I'm a work in progress, but then again who isn't?

　

About a Boy

At first I liked the idea of you and I can be honest enough with myself to admit that.
That night we were drawn to each other by some unknown force. And as cliché as this may sound your warmth pulled me in more than anything. You had the kind of smile that would make me have no choice but to smile back even on the shittiest of days. Trust me when I say that's saying a lot. Forget butterflies, I wanted to straight up vomit. Please take that as the highest of compliments because I despise vomiting. That probably didn't make any sense, so let's just say you rattled me in the best possible way.

It's unfair to say I had no expectations, I'll just leave it at I didn't necessarily have high expectations of where things would go. You were good looking and charismatic and really that's all that mattered to me at that particular point in time. I put on a pretty good show of this cool confident chick, but I'm not really her at all…at least not when it came to you. You made me all kinds of nervous. There was definitely a self pep talk before I asked you out. Oh and this would be the first of many to come.

You surprised me. You exceeded my expectations in every way. Maybe my expectations weren't so high to begin with, but a girl can hope can't she? It's hard for me to even remember the last time I had that good a time with someone. And each time was even better than the last. We laughed. We kissed. We began to open up a part of ourselves for the other one to get a sneak peak, a preview into what was yet to come.

And then the Mega Date happened. This was the day that would give insight into where this was all going. I walked away from it feeling this was a pretty great thing happening between us and things were definitely moving into a solid place. I liked you and I wasn't afraid to admit it and put it out there. I wanted more of you, more of us. Just more to see if there could be more. And there could have been more…

There were things that happened after that Mega Date. Things with you, things with me, just things. Not fantastically happy things either. I got spooked by how good and crappy things were all at the same time. We sat there afterwards on opposite ends of my living room couch. Both of us nervous. Both of us avoiding eye contact. I told you we were incompatible which wasn't completely truthful. We both know just how freakin compatible we are. I told you we should move forward as friends which wasn't 100% what I wanted either. You reluctantly agreed. How is it that in that moment I finally saw just how much you liked me? Just how much you were into this? All those doubts and insecurities that had been whispering in my ear since the beginning now silenced. I had once laughed when you told me you get "friend-zoned" all the time yet now I was doing that very thing.

Timing is everything and that is the honest truth. This was not our time, I completely get that, but it doesn't make it suck any less. What I should have told you was that we take a break and try again down the road…why completely close the door to the room I really want to be in? I still like you, take that for what you will. I'm still helplessly hopeful this will get another chance….but if it doesn't I would rather have you as a friend than as nothing at all.

Identity

Sometimes I wonder if she'll come to me when I least expect it. I'll fall asleep one night, then wake up the person I was supposed to be. For now the truth remains that I lay bundled up in my blanket of false security. Security laced with high doses of insecurity is the actuality of my reality. How can anyone really know me if I don't know myself? Filled deeply with a knowledge of wealth for all the things except the most important thing of all.

I know the facts. All the things you fill in on the top section of any application. Name, date of birth, place of residence are not the evidence of who you are. What am I? A girl wandering around lost looking for that cubby to crawl inside and stow away till the storm passes. Excuse me, can you tell me which way to go? Would you know the person underneath if I peeled all these labels away one by one leaving behind my naked self?

Exposed.

Vulnerable.

Alone.

This road seems endless and my feet are sore. I don't want to be here anymore. Or there. Or there. Or really anywhere. Dizzying with confusion within this mass illusion. There is really no solution to my problem, not yet anyways. Maybe all these years I've been running away from the fears of if I find her I won't like her at all. She won't live up to the hype and hopes of all my highest dreams. It seems she wasn't worthy of the pursuit, never should have started at all. Keeping the incomplete me confined within these walls.

Of course I believed the chorus when they sang to me all my failures. In all honestly it became a siren song that pulled me along making me unable to pull away day after day after day. There was a symphony chillingly reminding me that I could never be anything other than what I already was and what I was wasn't much of anything at all. You can fall even lower when you're already down. Trust me I know. Stilted wilted flower stuck in the dark refusing to grow. It's safe here. It's quiet here. Maybe just maybe I even belong here.

　

Would I even recognize her if she walked right up to me and stared into me her deep brown eyes mirroring my own? Her touch my touch, her voice my voice, her thoughts the lighter shade of those that resonate in my own mind. Released from all the ugly that drowns me. Could it be? She would be free in an existence I always hoped I'd be. She would be enough, not enough for anyone else, enough for herself. Confidence infused with wisdom infused with clarity in complete mastery.

I am not her.

Not yet.

But maybe...

Things She Never Knew

History is written by the victors, Her Story was written by the survivor.

The first boy to ever say "I love you" covered her body in blacks and blues. This would set the pattern for all her relationships to come. Love meant pain, suffering, and heartache. It would build her up only to break her back down time and time again. And it would never matter what others told her for she believed it was her fault. If she had been more sexy, more intelligent, more of whatever he wanted her to be then it wouldn't have happened. But she couldn't be more, so she kept getting less than anyone deserved. This was a lesson she would take her entire lifetime to learn.

　

The next one chased her for years. Was she running from him or running from her fears? When caught he filled her head and heart with promises so beautiful she felt she had walked into a dream. But these dreams were nothing more than illusions. He decided the chase had tired him out. Anything that wasn't her became a more worthy pursuit. Forever and always really meant until she was no longer shiny and new. If she had been better than who she actually was then he would have stayed. This was a lesson she would carry with her until she was ready to learn from it.

　

The third she wanted to save because she felt she would never be able to save her own self. He latched onto her draining anything good and pure and true that had remained from previous devastations. He never used his fists, but often struck her with hateful words that tore her down until there was hardly anything left of the girl she had once been so long ago. She was merely his means to an end until he could step on her to reach something bigger and better. With what little strength she had left she crawled away vowing to never open her heart to another man again. This was a lesson she felt illiterate to.

　

She became an empty vessel allowing them to use her body for whatever they please truly believing she had nothing more to offer. Often she would stare into the mirror sickened by what she saw. Ugly, wasteful, used up. Happy endings belonged to others, she would never find hers. A woman torn down by those she only ever tried to build up. Not everything that is broken can be fixed, but then again was she ever a whole person to begin with?

 Things she never knew were maybe things she didn't want to know.
No one forced her to be with these men. She chose to be with them and now she needed to choose to be with herself. To stop seeking love and validation from the outside when it needs to come from within. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, this was no different. It was time to step out from the shadows of men and into the light of herself.

Woman Undefined

She stared at her naked self examining all of her that makes woman beautiful. The curves, the softness, the dark flowing hair cascading down her back. Her fingertips gently glide over her skin examining the parts of her she should know so well by now, but clearly did not know at all. How do you define the essence of a woman?

Child baring hips that will never bare a child

She felt hollowed out. Something taken from her so many others take for granted. Was she even a woman at all? And if not, how else could she identify herself? These were questions no one could fully answer, least of all herself. Her heart would never be as full as it could have been in another world where her fate had laid out a different path. In her own body's betrayal she lost a hope within a dream within a destiny that would never be.

Beautiful

To me this was always so much more than a word

It's a state of being

Craving something I hardly ever heard

Relentlessly grasping with all five senses

Inside of me afraid I will never be invited

Consistently told quite boldly thanks but no thanks

My father used to call me pretty girl, but I often wondered "what did he know that the rest of the world didn't?"

There are so many different depths yet I was stuck swimming in the most shallow pond

What was it about me that I had or didn't have? 

Was I put together wrong?

Not everything broken can be fixed

A fantasy destination I may never reach

Every time that I was passed over for someone else I hoped maybe next time it would be different

One day they might just realize they were wrong all along

Breath it in, believe it, see in, be it

To me this was always so much more than a word

Someone I used To Be

There was a time that I believed there was nothing to believe in. I was on the outside looking in. Happiness was an opportunity I could never grasp; moments of sanity fleeting. When I thought things couldn't get worse, they did. When I thought things couldn't get any better, I was right.

No one understood, but I didn't want them to understand because the only way to understand it was to immerse yourself in it. How can you watch the ones you love drown alongside you?

The cycle of numbness verses being consumed by raw emotion. Not completely sure which was worse.

They couldn't save me, I had to save myself. All their love meant nothing if I couldn't love myself. I had to find a reason, something to hold onto to pull myself up. For a long time I really didn't give a shit. Most of the people in my life eventually gave up while a small few stood by me. I was grateful and at the same time felt sorry for them.

I was ugly.

I was useless.

I was lost.

Sometimes I would fantasize about a life where I hadn't been made defective. Wow, what would that have been like? To be just like everyone else every damn day living a life full of possibilities. Possibilities. The ability to break through this self inflicted prison I call home. My abnormal is the only normal I know.

Who am I?

What am I?

Why am I this way?

Living among the shadows isn't really living at all.

Wreckless

She leaps into the unknown

Faster than the speed of fear

Vast emptiness in her eyes

Dangerously wreckless


She ignites her own inferno

Pursuing instant gratification

Living without limitation

Purging the last breathe of light in her soul


She seeks pleasure in the pain

Breaking through the numbness

Blade to skin without a flinch

Reminding her she's alive

No title, some erotic poetry

Come to me my deepest temptation
Fill me, thrill me, instill me with your sin
Clawing my way down your back
Show me how naughty can be so damn nice
You are that favorite mistake I love to make time and time again
Bite me, fight me, ignite me
Bodies soaked in lust
Tie me up without tying me down
Turn me around and take it out on my hide
Deep, deeper, deepest
Keep it up, keep it in, keep it going
Fuck the rose, give me all your thorns

Forgiveness Does Not Equal Acceptance

Recently I came across my old DBT ( Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) binder to pass on to a friend. This is a therapy technique specific to people who have Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD. For more information on the condition:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001931/


Every one's story is different and I have gone into mine many times, so that's not what this post is about. It's about when I came across this very powerful phrase that reminded me of a theme in my journey to wellness..."Forgiveness Does Not Equal Acceptance".

I used to have this distorted filter which sifts out all the good stuff and holds onto all the bad stuff. Memories of horrible times in my life play over and over while overshadowing some really amazing things that have happened along the way. It works in so many other aspects of my life such as compliments verses insults; 9/10 people tell me I'm beautiful but I grasp onto that one person who called me ugly. It repeats itself like a theme song in my head to the point that I can't even hear I'm beautiful.

After a lifetime of living this way I needed to do some major renovations. The thing is you need to find the source of the problem in order to have a long lasting and successful fixture otherwise you're putting scotch tape on giant gaping hole in your foundation...it just won't hold up.

Anger, pain, resentment at all the people in my life who have hurt me. There comes a point where you need to just let go so you can move on. I've always been a bit of a stubborn person and it took nearly thirty years for me to be able to do this. I can forgive them, but it doesn't mean I'm okay with what happened. I am at peace with what happened.

The hardest part of all was forgiving myself for the pain, anger, and resentment I may have caused others but mostly myself. Out of all the people in my life who have hurt me, no one has caused a deeper cut than the one I did with my own hand. I didn't love myself. I didn't respect myself. I didn't know my own value. And to be completely honest sometimes there are days I still need a gentle reminder. These things take time and I get that.

Horrible people and horrible actions are not one in the same. I am not my past. What I am is a person full of possibilities, some good and some bad. I have no doubt I will fall down again, the difference is I am so much quicker to get right back up these days and keep going skinned knees and all.

Frozen (A place I used to be, but no longer am)

Frozen in a fortress of my own tears

The light shadowed by my fears

Mightiest of angels can't save a soul already damned

Beaten down by the force of my own hand

Traveled a road you will never know

As a war wages within the only place I call home

Pleading for a way no longer wanting to stay in this crippling day

Scars from the past opening wounds for tomorrow

A numbness so heavy, a shield to my sorrow

Pieces of me shattered on the floor

Silently screaming no more

The Scarlet D

Disclaimer: This will not be some sappy pity party where I cry myself a
river over how a failed marriage destroyed me...um seriously who even
thinks that anymore?


Filling out the forms at the doctors office and checking off that
magical box "divorced" is how I know I have really arrived in the
promised land. But if I still had some doubts the glamorous paper gown
and cold metal stirrups put my mind at ease. OBGYN lady looks up at me
with her minors' light strapped to her forehead which by the way if she
finds any gold I call dibs as I am now a bitch on a budget.

While digging around she questions me, such the multi-tasker! "Do you
always use protection?"

I shrug, "Not really necessary at this point with my partners, but thank
you."

"You are aware of the increased risks of contracting sexually
transmitted diseases when you have unprotected sex with multiple
partners?"

I bite my lip. "But I assure you my partners are 100% faithful to me and
when I am done they are scrubbed down and put away."

She nearly drops her nifty tools. "Excuse me?"

This is when I happily list off all my toys in my drawer full of goodies
back at home. She gives me a stern look not appreciating my sense of
humor. You know how they say you shouldn't fuck with the people who
handle your food? I guess the same should be said for those who handle
your cervix. Lesson learned. I passed my exam with flying colors which
was why I was a bit disappointed when my request for a sticker "I got my
pap smear today!" was denied. Can you believe such a thing doesn't even
exist? At least they could have given me a lollipop and a balloon. As a
consolation prize I snatched a hand full of free flavored condoms. You
never know the next time you'll be stuck in traffic and fresh out of
gum.

Okay okay okay, here it comes. I met the one we shall not name but if we
must let's call him Spoon because well, why not? Oh wait I digress and
so early on too. Well it's a story not incredibly uncommon really: we
met young, rushed into sex, rushed into a relationship, rushed into home
ownership, rushed into marriage....then decided it would be fun to make
each other miserable for a few years with lots of angry fights and
crying before dragging our feet to divorce court.

Here is my grievance with the whole divorce process. It's long and
boring...let's make it a series of gladiator tournaments. Each event
wins a prize we're disputing like the house or our sanity. In the end
there is a giant obstacle course with alligators because I firmly
believe alligators should be involved in the divorce process. Whoever
wins the final event has to explain while wearing a clown suit that they
are an impotent deusch bag on national television. Actually they should
sing all the reasons they are a failure as a husband errr spouse to the
tune of "Ice Ice Baby".

I AM NOT BITTER. I am better. Did I cry while stuffing my face with the
lava cake sundaes at Friendly's? Maybe a few dozen times just to get it
out of my system. Then I decided the best medicine is making other
people uncomfortable about my situation. There were a lot of people who
witnessed our courtship and marriage, so there were a lot of opinions
and offers of sympathy. Mainly what everyone wanted to know was what had
happened. So depending on the day, my mood, and if Mercury was in
retrograde I would reply with any of the following:

"I consider myself a pretty open minded woman but there are just some
things that should be done with farm animals and hot wax."

"He was a bit of a bleeder."

"Sex change. Now my ex-husband is my best girlfriend and we go
patrolling for under aged hotties together."

"They wouldn't allow me to get my gun permit, so I settled on divorce.
Did you still need someone to watch the kids next weekend?"

"I found Jesus and I'm not really into threesomes."

"Apparently some people seem to think cannibalism is NOT okay.
Whatever."

"He was holding me back from pursuing my life long dream of moving to
the Philippines and running my very own Nike sweatshop."


You be surprised to learn that I have been accused more than once of
masking my pain with my sarcasm, but I am quick to reply that's what the
drugs and meaningless sex with strangers are for. Everyone has their own
coping mechanisms, don't judge mine and I'll be sure not to judge
yours...to your face.

I guess the real question I want to know at this point is, what's next
for me?