About a Boy

At first I liked the idea of you and I can be honest enough with myself to admit that.
That night we were drawn to each other by some unknown force. And as cliché as this may sound your warmth pulled me in more than anything. You had the kind of smile that would make me have no choice but to smile back even on the shittiest of days. Trust me when I say that's saying a lot. Forget butterflies, I wanted to straight up vomit. Please take that as the highest of compliments because I despise vomiting. That probably didn't make any sense, so let's just say you rattled me in the best possible way.

It's unfair to say I had no expectations, I'll just leave it at I didn't necessarily have high expectations of where things would go. You were good looking and charismatic and really that's all that mattered to me at that particular point in time. I put on a pretty good show of this cool confident chick, but I'm not really her at all…at least not when it came to you. You made me all kinds of nervous. There was definitely a self pep talk before I asked you out. Oh and this would be the first of many to come.

You surprised me. You exceeded my expectations in every way. Maybe my expectations weren't so high to begin with, but a girl can hope can't she? It's hard for me to even remember the last time I had that good a time with someone. And each time was even better than the last. We laughed. We kissed. We began to open up a part of ourselves for the other one to get a sneak peak, a preview into what was yet to come.

And then the Mega Date happened. This was the day that would give insight into where this was all going. I walked away from it feeling this was a pretty great thing happening between us and things were definitely moving into a solid place. I liked you and I wasn't afraid to admit it and put it out there. I wanted more of you, more of us. Just more to see if there could be more. And there could have been more…

There were things that happened after that Mega Date. Things with you, things with me, just things. Not fantastically happy things either. I got spooked by how good and crappy things were all at the same time. We sat there afterwards on opposite ends of my living room couch. Both of us nervous. Both of us avoiding eye contact. I told you we were incompatible which wasn't completely truthful. We both know just how freakin compatible we are. I told you we should move forward as friends which wasn't 100% what I wanted either. You reluctantly agreed. How is it that in that moment I finally saw just how much you liked me? Just how much you were into this? All those doubts and insecurities that had been whispering in my ear since the beginning now silenced. I had once laughed when you told me you get "friend-zoned" all the time yet now I was doing that very thing.

Timing is everything and that is the honest truth. This was not our time, I completely get that, but it doesn't make it suck any less. What I should have told you was that we take a break and try again down the road…why completely close the door to the room I really want to be in? I still like you, take that for what you will. I'm still helplessly hopeful this will get another chance….but if it doesn't I would rather have you as a friend than as nothing at all.