Identity

Sometimes I wonder if she'll come to me when I least expect it. I'll fall asleep one night, then wake up the person I was supposed to be. For now the truth remains that I lay bundled up in my blanket of false security. Security laced with high doses of insecurity is the actuality of my reality. How can anyone really know me if I don't know myself? Filled deeply with a knowledge of wealth for all the things except the most important thing of all.

I know the facts. All the things you fill in on the top section of any application. Name, date of birth, place of residence are not the evidence of who you are. What am I? A girl wandering around lost looking for that cubby to crawl inside and stow away till the storm passes. Excuse me, can you tell me which way to go? Would you know the person underneath if I peeled all these labels away one by one leaving behind my naked self?

Exposed.

Vulnerable.

Alone.

This road seems endless and my feet are sore. I don't want to be here anymore. Or there. Or there. Or really anywhere. Dizzying with confusion within this mass illusion. There is really no solution to my problem, not yet anyways. Maybe all these years I've been running away from the fears of if I find her I won't like her at all. She won't live up to the hype and hopes of all my highest dreams. It seems she wasn't worthy of the pursuit, never should have started at all. Keeping the incomplete me confined within these walls.

Of course I believed the chorus when they sang to me all my failures. In all honestly it became a siren song that pulled me along making me unable to pull away day after day after day. There was a symphony chillingly reminding me that I could never be anything other than what I already was and what I was wasn't much of anything at all. You can fall even lower when you're already down. Trust me I know. Stilted wilted flower stuck in the dark refusing to grow. It's safe here. It's quiet here. Maybe just maybe I even belong here.

　

Would I even recognize her if she walked right up to me and stared into me her deep brown eyes mirroring my own? Her touch my touch, her voice my voice, her thoughts the lighter shade of those that resonate in my own mind. Released from all the ugly that drowns me. Could it be? She would be free in an existence I always hoped I'd be. She would be enough, not enough for anyone else, enough for herself. Confidence infused with wisdom infused with clarity in complete mastery.

I am not her.

Not yet.

But maybe...