Someone I used To Be

There was a time that I believed there was nothing to believe in. I was on the outside looking in. Happiness was an opportunity I could never grasp; moments of sanity fleeting. When I thought things couldn't get worse, they did. When I thought things couldn't get any better, I was right.

No one understood, but I didn't want them to understand because the only way to understand it was to immerse yourself in it. How can you watch the ones you love drown alongside you?

The cycle of numbness verses being consumed by raw emotion. Not completely sure which was worse.

They couldn't save me, I had to save myself. All their love meant nothing if I couldn't love myself. I had to find a reason, something to hold onto to pull myself up. For a long time I really didn't give a shit. Most of the people in my life eventually gave up while a small few stood by me. I was grateful and at the same time felt sorry for them.

I was ugly.

I was useless.

I was lost.

Sometimes I would fantasize about a life where I hadn't been made defective. Wow, what would that have been like? To be just like everyone else every damn day living a life full of possibilities. Possibilities. The ability to break through this self inflicted prison I call home. My abnormal is the only normal I know.

Who am I?

What am I?

Why am I this way?

Living among the shadows isn't really living at all.