Looks Aren't Everything, but They Really Kind of Are

In sixth grade I had a good friend Robert Curti. A natural friendship developed based on the close proximity of our lockers. He was also half hobbit like myself which brought about a mutual appreciation for being so small in such a large world, after all we had giant eight graders lurking around every corner. One of my favorite things about this friendship was how much we made one another laugh. Laughter is kind of one of my things, I might even adore it more than cheese. (another story for another time)

So what did I do? What I always do…I began crushing on my friend. I couldn't have just left well enough alone, nope I had to develop this monster "doodling his name in hearts on my notebook while daydreaming about our storybook wedding" crush. I know I am not completely alone in this. You have that awesome friend that gets certain pop culture references others don't, the person that makes you smile after that killer Social Studies test, and they are kind of nice to look at too. We as a human race are incredibly shallow, a point I will get into more later, but it is completely true and we should just all drown in this puddle of shallowness from time to time….or maybe not, I don't know, I digress.

Now remember this is middle school, so things must get handled a certain way. I told a mutual friend, Michael Sarracino, to tell Robert that I liked him as more than a friend and to find out if he liked me too. I know you are all on the edge of your seats and although I understand the many benefits of delayed gratification I am one impatient bitch, so here we go:

Michael reports back to me, "Robert said you are so incredibly smart. He likes how down to earth you are and that you're not some stuck up snob like most of the girls around here. He loves your morning chats, you always make him laugh….but you're a complete dog and he would never date you."

Obviously I was crushed by my crush, I understand that's how things often play out. I mean if everybody I crushed on crushed on me too, well there just aren't enough hours in the day to be with that many people….woah mama! And even though Robert hurt my feelings, I really didn't want to lose the friendship, but he was completely done with me. He immediately started bullying me so harshly (words do hurt my friends) that I started carrying around all my books on me to avoid going to my locker or when I absolutely had to go I never went alone. Strength in numbers and all that. :-(

I felt an emoticon was appropriate there, so I added it.

Robert wasn't the first to do that to me and definitely not the last. Throughout the rest of middle school, high school, and college I was told multiple times how I was just not attractive enough or too fat, mostly it was that I was too fat, to be dateable. ::sigh:: Obviously this gave me a bit of a complex and even though there were some very wonderful people in my life that would tell me just how beautiful they found me, that was never what I saw looking back in me in the mirror. I would fixate on all the things supposedly wrong with me physically: bad hair, acne, overweight, scars, ect.

About two years ago I got my life on track because of some problems that arose from living a very very unhealthy life. I lost weight and with that gained the desire to put much more effort into my appearance (I didn't even see the point in trying before) by doing my hair, making certain fashion choices, occasionally wearing some make-up. The Robert Curti's of the world started treating me quite differently.

I started getting Facebook friend requests from people that wanted nothing to do with me back in school now insisting we catch up and get together. I got my very first cat call while walking to my car after work one day. Two men literally fought over who could hold the door for me at the bank a couple of weeks ago. And sometimes without asking retailers will give me stuff heavily discounted or for free. I just kept saying that people were being so nice to me all of a sudden and it was pointed out to me that people aren't THAT nice, they're shallow and think I am hot. The kindness is a ploy to get into my pants. Interesting side note, I mostly wear skirts and dresses. I just felt the need to point out a potential hole in the statement of getting into my pants.

While I can appreciate all the attention, I am still the same person just with a shinier spruced out exterior. And honestly a good deal of the time I do NOT see what others see when I see myself. I still have a tendency to fixate on what still needs to be worked on. I am still being judged for my looks. Before people didn't want to get to know me because I wasn't appealing to them and now fairly often people ONLY want to get to know me because I look appetizing to them. In the past year I have had "friends" that kept me around because they thought I was nice to look at, but didn't particularly care for me as a person. Those people have since been voted off the island.

I understand when we see something pretty we get excited, I am certainly no exception to this. But I do still believe a person is much more than the sum of their outward appearance. This is why I have and always will have people in my life of all shapes, sizes, and colors. There is a currently vacancy for a purple trapezoid friend if you know of any.

I am also very humbled by this experience because on some level deep down to me I will always be that ugly little girl no one wanted. I'm a work in progress, but then again who isn't?