Recently I have experienced some hurdles with people close in my life because something I said or did triggered something in them from a past hurt. In one said situation I am embarrassed to say I actually requested that the person sweep that past underneath the rug and just try to move forward with me. My reasoning, as faulty as it was, was that I just didn't want to deal with it because of what negativity it may bring me. For priding myself on being an incredibly empathetic person that was a very callous action. How can I ever expect to build a relationship with someone without really knowing where they came from and how it got them to the here and now? The answer is that I can't.
People with all their many woven layers fascinate me. There is always this strong desire to dig deeper, unlock the mysteries of what makes this person's wheels turn and how they turn. And most people in your life will have come into your life somewhere in the middle of a journey, your beginning with them is not their actual beginning. What was the prequel to their story? Everyone has an origin.
If I want to develop something deeper than a casual acquaintanceship with someone I need to allow them the opportunity to open themselves up to me in ways that will most likely make both of us very uncomfortable. There will be stories they will tell that are not suitable for the Disney crowd. I need to shut up and listen, then offer my compassion and support. To really establish something with someone I hope to have in my life long term I need to create a safe space where they can lower their guard to let me see past the superficialities they may present to the rest of the world. And in all fairness I need to do the same in return; share, open, let them in. Yes, this creates an opportunity for extreme vulnerability where either of us may very well get hurt again OR it may create a chance for both of us to bond on a mutual trust that was born in that moment of emotional intimacy.
There is such negativity surrounding past "baggage", but why does it have to be that way? If someone is happy or successful or damaged or cruel it's for a reason. People aren't just they way they are just because; the universe made them that way through a series of events, circumstances, and experiences. There is really no such thing as a completely clean slate or fresh start short of entire amnesia and even then it won't erase the impact you have had on others.
It's important to me that the bonds I establish with the people in my life are as genuine as possible. That means we have to allow the ugly to shine through and we all have a bit of ugly in us. I have to recognize that this person in front of me didn't just materialize out of nowhere, they walked a certain path that got them to this point in time. Go back in time, travel that path with them, allow them to travel mine with me. Recognize that we all have scars as proof we survived something. Don't be afraid of it.
Honestly I can't decide if I am more afraid of me or them, but I do recognize the very reality of this fear and my need to face it head on.
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