Single Girl Syndrome, theories by JJ

Last weekend Brendon was in town. Now normally his visits are something I look forward to, but this time he brought along an unexpected and honestly unwanted companion...his new girlfriend Tiffany. Before I even met her images had already conjured up of some big breasted blond bimbette who twirls her hair while obnoxiously chewing bubblegum like a cow. Isn't that what all girls named Tiffany are like? The same can be said for girls named Heather, Mindy, and Kelly. These are the exact kind of girls I try desperately to avoid.

The meet up was pretty uneventful. At one point she excused herself during lunch to go to the bathroom, no doubt to purge, and contrary to my previous image of Tiffany she was actually extremely waif like. How a man can find a girl attractive that has the body of a twelve year old boy is beyond me. Real women have breasts, hips, thighs, meat to cover up their rib cage. This girl was a white version of one of those save the children ads where fifteen cents a day can get them a Harvard education. Anyways...after skelatore left the table Brendon gave me this look. You don't know someone for years and not understand what they're saying without them even saying it.

I cleared my throat, "No comment."

"Wow, Ms. Opinionated has nothing to say? That's a first."

"Well I have two questions. Are you getting some and is it any good?"

A smile spread across his face. "A big yes to both."

"Then you have my blessing."


I know that you're thinking there's probably some sort of jealousy issue going on here and you couldn't be further from the truth. Brendon is someone I care about and his happiness means something to me when I couldn't give a rats ass about most other people's contentment, but I just can't support the whole "relationship thing". People have this compulsion to pair off with one another as if the world will stop spinning if they don't. The world is so overpopulated we could probably do with a little less baby popping at this point. Do you remember at the end of each episode of The Price is Right when Bob Barker would make some comment about "responsible pet owners spay and neuter their pets"? Well I think responsible people should consider doing it for themselves.

There is this little thing I call Single Girl Syndrome. Although guys suffer from it too, much like bulimia it's predominate in females. From an early age it gets drilled into girls' heads that if they don't find their male counterpart they are incomplete persons. What a load of bullshit! As I have previously mentioned Disney and cheesy romantic comedies are the main culprit. If a woman isn't paired off by a certain age she becomes some old maid while men remain the eternal thriving bachelor. Fuck that, I like to pride myself on being an eternal bacherlorette. There's no man out there no matter how good he can give it to me that will make me foresake all other cock.

Valentine's Day, New Years Eve, your birthday are all just ordinary days on the calendar. You will survive without some giant romantic overture, believe me when I say I've been doing great all these years without it. It's tiring to hear all the whining about waiting for that great love and how empty your life is without it. Get a dog, they're about just as intelligent as the average male and they can lick their own balls so you don't have to.

Or maybe you need to shut the fuck up and reevaluate things. Do you have a job? Are you relatively healthy? Do you have food and shelter? Then you have more than most people in Africa. How about re-directing all that energy to a quest for the full body orgasm? When you find it you will not regret it unlike love which seems to be full of regrets.