Fat Bitches

****More from our friend JJ. Warning this is not for those that easily offend****


First of all I need to state that I recognize people come in all shapes and sizes, obviously some more flattering than others. I have no direct problem with overweight people as a whole. You like to stuff your face, I get it. I love food too, I just take a much less glutenous approach to it. What I do have a problem with are lazy fat bitches that complain about themselves while jamming a box of oreos down their throat. Allow me to elaborate.

Years ago when I first started working at Lani's there was this girl, some college kid looking for petty cash to play around with, named Simone. While I wouldn't call Simone a heifer, she was a girl that had quite a bit of extra meat on her. Once again I couldn't give two shits how much she weighs as it didn't affect my life one way or another. What aggravated me was her constant bitching about it.

Here's the thing if you are miserable about something in your life that you have absolutely no control over I get it. Grieve about it, adjust to the situation, and move forward. There are countless stories about people who rose above their shitty circumstances and persevered. Lifetime does a weekly movie about it. On the other hand if you are miserable about something in your life you have COMPLETE control over then shut the fuck up and do something about it. Seriously can someone please explain to me how hard it is to not shove food down your fat face because I just don't understand.

Simone was what I would classify as extra special. Not only was she so obsessed with her thunder thighs and stomach rolls that she felt the need to point it out to others, but she was seven different levels of delusional about why she was overweight. Once again I will admit that there are certain medical conditions out there that may contribute to a person's obesity, but this was far from the case. I have seen Simone gorge on cookies, ice cream, candy bars, and fast food every single day I worked a shift with her. But if you ask Simone the reason why she's had such significant weight gain it's because of her period, her anti-depressants, and all the stress in her life. Riiiiiiight! It has nothing to do with those chili cheese fries you inhaled for breakfast. Yes I said breakfast!

Before you go thinking I went turbo bitch on her let me explain I really tried to keep my mouth shut for once. My mom's voice kept ringing in my head "If you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all." Her voice shows up at the most annoying times. Anyways I tried to ignore Simone. I'd walk away or ask her to go do something on the other end of the store. I even tried the extreme abrupt topic change on occasion: weather, sports, politics....anything besides her fattness. None of it worked. It was as if she had a super power: stupidity force field where all logic and reason bounced right off of her. You laugh, but I bet you know at least a couple people with that same super power.

One day I reached my breaking point. It was bound to happen. She came into work in clothes that probably fit her best thirty pounds ago and the bitching began. My eyes rolled so far up in my head I was sure they would get stuck there. It started out as laughing like a mad woman because all this time spent with this crazy fat bitch had driven me insane.

She looked at me with complete confusion, "Are you okay?"

"I am, but clearly you're not. And I think at this point one of three things is going to have to happen: one of us quits, we never work the same shifts again, or you shut the fuck up about your blubbery body."

"You don't understand, I've tried everything and nothing seems to work. It's so frustrating."

"Ever consider Bulimia?"

"You're kidding right?"

"Not really. You seem to inhale food like a famine is fast approaching. I think you'd get faster results with anorexia, but I feel you lack the discipline required. So binge and purge seems like the best viable option."

Then the most beautiful thing happened, silence. She stood there speechless as I smirked and walked away. It probably wasn't a coincidence that about a week later Simone ending up quitting. Some lame story about needing to focus on her school work. This is just another example of my zero bullshit tolerance and how I like to get shit done.


P.S.
I know you thought I was done, but this whole experience reminded me of something else. There is an entire fashion industry out there that makes clothes to suit every body type you can think of from skeletore to shamu, yet why do countless women shimmy their flabby selves into clothes meant for runway models? Do not wear a bikini if you have more rolls than a bakery. Just say no to spandex, Lycra, and anything form fitting if you don't take care to make your form fit. booty shorts for those that have no booty is just plain sad. And under no circumstances does the public need to see your thong above your jeans. Before you dress take into consideration that other people have to look at you.