Deeply In Like

The infamous "they" say to trust your gut instinct because it'll never steer you wrong. My entire life my gut has told me to run away whenever I get romantically involved with a guy. It screams things at me like: he'll hurt you, he'll leave you, he can't be trusted, he isn't for real...

Even after years with Antonio I still couldn't 100% trust him or let my guard down. Call it a self fulfilling prophecy, but as much as I tried to ignore my gut's warning it always ended up coming true. There I was left heart broken while my gut smirked "told you so."

This is unfamiliar to me. I was just looking for friends and had decided to put the whole romance thing on the back burner, file it under 'perhaps, someday, maybe, but not likely'. The infamous "they" also say that when you stop trying or looking for something is when that certain something will come looking for you. My gut is singing a new tune: go for it, he's the real deal, you can trust him.

Is this a practical joke? Hardly. My gut doesn't play around, tried to warn me about my near fatal car accident Aug 13, 2008. (I ignored that too) This time I'm going to listen to the advice I'm receiving.

Jason is unlike anyone I have ever met. We make each other laugh. He's been 100% honest from day one about some very intimate things and in turn so have I. Sometimes we can just spend hours laying on the couch snuggled up with his arms around me while we watch TV/a movie. He may be even more affectionate than me and that's saying a lot.He's a romantic. Jason is the optimist to my pessimist. The biggest shock of all is how he is with my rabbit. It took two years for Drew to let Antonio hold him/pick him up, but Jason did it upon his first visit to my house. My rabbit doesn't like anyone but me, now there's an exception to that and that would be Jason. "They" also say animals are a good judge of character. He's a great listener with sage advice that has worked out every time I have taken it so far.

Tuesday night Jason held me while I broke down and cried over Julito's death.

I could come up with an entire list of reasons why we shouldn't be together. That's the easy thing to do, run away and be scared of something that feels so right when just about everything else in my life feels so wrong. Being with Jason feels so natural and right to me. I can't explain it because like I said this is completely unfamiliar to me. The timing sucks, but I don't want to miss out on something that could be amazing. I'm living in the moment and enjoying it for what it is, who knows what will happen.

I'm happy.

All good things must come to an end

There are dog families and there are cat families, mine was a parakeet family. The reasons are two fold: my mom claims to be allergic to both cats and dogs AND my dad grew up in a parakeet family himself.

I could list all the parakeets my family has seen throughout the years, but there are really three that are pertinent to this blog. For my eleventh birthday I told my parents I wanted my own parakeet, not that I didn't love the family parakeet, but I wanted one of my own. I found myself a beautiful yellow parakeet that I named Lucky. It was only a mere few days of chirping back and forth, Lucky from my room and Igor (the family parakeet) from the kitchen, when we finally decided to unite the two star crossed lovers. Lucky was no longer my bird, but belonged to Igor. Lucky lived about 8 years.

On a whim my senior year of college I decided to travel down to the local petstore and get myself another parakeet. My friend Rita named the bird Julio, no clue why, but I liked it so the name stuck. I was not living in dorms, but on/off campus apartments where I had my own room. Sadly Julio only lived a few months; turns out things like scented candles, febreeze, and body spray are all lethal to parakeets and I used these on a daily basis. My now husband and I had just started dating at the time and he promised me for a Christmas gift he would get me another parakeet when I was ready.

About six months later and a thousand miles away I fell in love with another yellow parakeet that I named Julito (Spanish for little Julio). We called her Juli though. Juli and I had an interesting relationship. At first it was just me and her in my apartment, so we bonded. I finger trained her, shared meals with her, and we chilled on the couch watching TV together. Then Juli fell in love with my dad and couldn't give a crap about me. When Antonio moved in with me, Juli bonded with him too. She would bite me, screech at me, and flat out ignore me unless I had food. She would eat anything: ice cream, steak, tacos, pasta...

When we moved back to NY a couple of years ago Juli and I re-formed our previous relationship. Maybe it was the four months we spent apart, but she had a new found appreciation for me. I'd like to think that if I wasn't her favorite person, I at least cracked the top three.

Juli started laying batches of unfertilized eggs. She was doing so many of them we were concerned for her health. There were multiple trips to the vet.Then she started plucking out her own feathers. She didn't seem depressed, still flying around and chirping, but we got her a parakeet friend in case she was lonely. Soon her eggs didn't have shells and they were giant balls of blood. She was covered in blood. The last few days she could barely move except when she was shaking.

This morning I came downstairs into teh kitchen and saw a note on her still covered cage "Please, please don't uncover". Antonio had already left for work. My heart sank as I peaked inside and saw her tail sticking out underneath a folded papertowel. As I lifted the paper towel tears sprang to my eyes. Juli was dead.

All good things must come to an end and Juli Kaponer Abate was a great thing in my life. RIP Jan 3rd 2004-Sep 27 2010. We'll be having a proper burial within the next few days at Antonio's parents backyard. At least now she's no longer suffering. As hard as this is on me and Antonio, I can't imagine what Juno (our other parakeet) will be going through.

Everything happens for a reason or so I'm told.

My Beef With Legolas

A couple of weeks ago while watching "Lord Of The Rings" with a friend, I began pondering a few things. Why after these epic battles when every damn survivor is left bloody, bruised, sweaty, and full of mud does Legolas look ready to shoot an add for Mabelline? Not a hair out of place, perfect porcelain skin, clothes freshly pressed...WTF? What is his secret? I work a desk job Monday through Friday for eight hour shifts and definitely don't look as good leaving as I did when I came in. Although my job stressful, I can assure you there are no brawls with Orcs. Hmmmm

And one more thing, what's with the endless supply of arrows? He carries a knapsack that is always half-full, yet he never runs out. Did they edit the scenes out where they stop off at the Forrest merchant to replenish their supplies? Is this a magical knapsack that replaces each arrow he uses? He never runs out. I would like to apply the same magic to the gas tank of my car if at all possible especially with how gas prices have been going.

Lastly I think we can admit that Legolas is deeply in love with Aragorn. I'm all about beautiful man on man love or the interracial elf-human thing. I'm sure Redtube has entire videos dedicated to just that.

I am if nothing else an observant person.

To Whom It May Concern:

I'll be the first to admit to my spoiled brat tendencies; I have a history of wanting a lot, wanted it delivered to me quickly, and wrapped in a pretty little bow. After careful reconsideration I have decided to make some amendments on my wish list. The following has been narrowed down to the bare necessities:

1. Happiness, true bliss, smiles so big my face hurts after wards. Laughter, upon laughter, upon laughter until hiccups ensue. A warmth and lightness in my heart that is almost entirely unfamiliar to me currently.

2. Mental Health and well being. And let me specify that I don't want the kind that comes out of a bottle either, I want this oh-natural. No more impulsive, self destructive behavior. Although the occasional purchase of cute shoes should still be allotted.

3. Physical Health and well being. No more chronic pain and freakish illnesses modern medicine cannot identify. This will allow me to be physical again in any capacity I choose to: walking, kick boxing, whatever. P.S. This includes my epic battle with acne, poof be gone

4. Financial security and the career that provides it. I really feel these two go together like PB&J. PB was a lonely man before J came along, but now look at them?! My dream career is something I love doing and that I do well with co-workers I get along with and bosses that appreciate me. It also pays me enough to cover all my bills AND have some cushion afterward. I know such a career exists for me, it's just playing hard to get currently. I may have to wine, dine, rufie, and seduce it once I find it.

Any others wonderful things you would like to throw my way I'll just consider a bonus: an epic romantic love, a first class trip around the world, weekly all day spa visits, a chance to hang out with Drew Barrymore, the success of having my published work in the NY Times Best Seller list, the ability to whistle...

So thanks for taking my requests into consideration. I get that you're very busy with ruling the universe and all as you try to prevent mankind from completely mucking things up. Daunting I know, but if you get around to it maybe throw some of my more than reasonable requests my way? Cool, thanks.

Sincerely,

Laura K

It could happen to you too when you least expect it

Beth and Jay sat in her car with the radio playing low in the background. The crisp air of impending autumn was just outside. She avoided direct eye contact with him, something about him made this social butterfly turn completely inward.

"Let's make a pact', Jay took her tiny hand into his own much larger one, "How about you stop assuming that I am like every guy that you've ever known, and when you look at me see me."

She didn't want to cry around him, they had only known each other one week. Beth refused to let her newly built fortress walls crumble this early on. That was how she always managed to get hurt, she trusted to freely, gave her heart away to easily. Not this time, even if he was different.

"Jay I can't make you any promises at this point." Her voice was frail.

His eye contact didn't falter one bit. Those hazel eyes were brimming over with warmth and sincerity, something she couldn't ignore as hard as she tried. It was the classic battle of logic verses intuition. Logically she had no reason to believe he wouldn't betray her like all the others had, but something in her gut told her not be be afraid and let him in. What was it about him?

"Are you even going to give me a chance to prove I'm not an asshole?" Jay squeezed her fingers.

Beth looked deep into his eyes, leaned in and softly kissed him on the lips. He put his hands on her face to pull her closer into him. They just sat there kissing, lost in a moment neither of them wanted to escape.

When she pulled away she confessed, "I like you."

"Does that scare you?"

"No."

Why even bother...

My mortgage company tells me they will not even consider my deed in leui of foreclosure application unless we list our house on the market for at least 90 days. Something the customer service rep failed to mention 30 days ago when I originally requested the application...

I just want to start my life over and begin to heal, but I can't do that as long as I'm living under the same roof as my ex-husband. We have been getting along very well the last month or so, but that doesn't mean this isn't emotionally trying for me. Living in my dream house that I can no longer have with the man I used to be in love with that broke my heart, I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone.

There's also the fact that I busted my ass to pack up 90% of my belongings which are now in my attic. So aside from my furniture, clothes, and toiletries I don't have access to many of my things.

My mortgage company would rather spend the time and money to forclose on me, then work with me in my time of hardship. They know I'll be out of a job by Nov 1st and divorced...

Why doesn't anything positive ever come my way? I feel as if I'm constantly being punished and don't know why. I put in everything I had to make this marriage work and he didn't. Now that I want to pick up the fragmented pieces of my life it's been one road block after another. Why can't someone somewhere cut me a break?

I'll be jobless and stuck in a home with a daily reminder of my heartbreak. Whenever I get my hopes up and think positive (like I did about this whole deed application) I get crushed with disappointment...

Less money, mo problems

My boss is out for a week because of a family emergency, so we get the awesome office substitute Sue. Sue is full of insight both professionally and personally, good people. She suggested I blog about my job search efforts.

Everyday I search the following websites:

www.capitalareahelpwanted.com
www.careerbuilder.com
www.craigslist.com
www.monster.com
www.timesunion.com/jobs


I have literally applied for over a hundred jobs at this point. I have had three interviews: MVP Healthcare, East Greenbush Chiropractic, and CSC. sadly I don't think I'm any closer to finding a job than I was when I started this entire process.

My deadline is Nov 1st when my current boss drops me beacuse "She can't afford to keep me on." Let me explain the BS of that situation. The last Monday in June I tried to do the forthright thing by opening up to my boss about my divorce and explaining I will need to make more money to support myself. Here are the facts: I have worked there over a year, I'm the only full time staff person so therefore I put in the most man hours, I have been the office leader in sales for all on 2010, do 90% of all admin work, and have stepped up to bat without hesitation on countless occasions when my boss had personal issues going on. She flat out refused to even discuss the option of a raise and told me I should start looking elsewhere. I promise her because of stuff she has going on I'll stay no matter what until at least September. Less than a month later the part-timer quits. We're only a three man operation, so my boss scrambles to find someone. Now logically she should have replaced the art time position that was vacant, but 1/2 way through the summer she hires my replacement and then tells me she can't afford to keep both of us on. I am stuck training the new person who also happens to be the reason for my impending unemployment. I like her, but there's a small side of resentment lingering. I get that it's not her fault, but still. So I have a deadline of Nov 1st where if I don't find something by then my boss is letting me go.

As if I didn't have enough stress going on. Any advice and/or suggestions for how to amp up my job search?

What A Girl Wants

I realized that I already have the perfect man in my life. He never talks backs, always listens, loves to cuddle, eats my leftover pizza crust, is always excited to see me...his name is Drew Bunnymore. I look forward to the day in the not so distant future when we move out together and get a place of our own.

After work on Monday I went to the library for the first time in months and got some self help books: two on divorce from a woman's perspective, a humorous take and one on Borderline Personality Disorder. The first one I'm reading is called "Ask Me About My Divorce", a collection of essays meant to change your mind about the idea that divorce equals failure but it's rather a new beginning. So far it's light hearted, just what I need.

In other developments, for the first time since I was three years old I officially don't "like" anyone. I have always had crushes, usually a few at a time, but I can honestly say the only person I'm really interested in right now is me. About damn time I stopped focusing all my attention on some boy and started with some self love. Well okay, I do madly love my rabbit-man...

If I posted a personal ad

You will never meet anyone like me and that's probably a good thing because if two of me existed an apocalypse would most likely ensue. A complete walking contradiction: the smartest dumb girl, spontaneous planner, easy going anal retentive, hardworking couch potato, introverted social butterfly, jaded eternal optimistic, naive skeptic, serious goofball, and reliable flake. Proudly a self proclaimed hug/cuddle whore. Like a puppy I crave affection and can never get enough of it. I don't play games unless they're card games, board games, computer games. I say what I'm thinking, mean what I say, and do what I said I would. You don't need to interpret or peel back the layers to find out who I really am, it's all laid out right before you. Nothing can match that love between humans and their pets, my rabbit has the amazing gift to sooth my savage soul just by letting me hold him. I love all animals except insects and I don't think they count anyways. Unfortunately I'm not as thin as I wish I was, but I'm learning to be okay with that and be comfortable in my own skin. My fave thing ever is making other people smile, those I love and complete strangers too. An innovator with a head full of ideas but no clue how I'll make them happen. No one is perfect, everyone has a past and flaws; I won't judge you so please don't judge me either. My parents are my best friends. Everyone needs a hobby, but please don't have an obsession such as sports where I can't exist in your world when a game is on TV. Let's stay up all night talking about nothing and everything. Texting is great, talking on the phone is even better, and face to face is the best. Complete movie nut both going to and staying in, wish I could rack up frequent flier miles with how often I go. I bowl horribly, mini-golf decently, and dance pretty well. I'm a collector of collections. And I'm real, so you should be too.

Nothing fancy, just jeans and a t-shirt

As long as I can remember I was the girl with a plan. When I was five years old I could have easily laid out the next ten years of my life for you; the plan would go through several changes as time passed but there was in fact always a plan.

I have no plan. I stare into the uncertainty of my future with giant pools of fear in my eyes. I am that vulnerable little child searching desperately for the cubby with her name on it. Where is my place? Can someone hold my tiny hand and show me the way?

We're working on getting rid of our house through a process called "Deed in lieu of foreclosure". Essentially what this means is instead of trying to put our house on the market and sell it by traditional means, we're looking to sign it back over to the bank and walk away. There would be no fines, fees, penalties, or dark marks on our credit. It's an application process and if approved it can move rather quickly, like 30-90 days. The #1 reason people do this is divorce. We sent out our application about two weeks ago and haven't heard back yet. My brilliant brother who does mortgages for living told me about this. Banks hate the lengthy and costly foreclosure process, so this is why they consider this option in the first place.

Will they approve us? My brother is 90% sure they will. So if this happens, then where do I go? My family lives over 1000 miles away and I don't have a friend that can put my up, so I need to find a place of my own asap. This can't be just any place, but a place I can stay at for at least 2-3 years until I'm ready to move onto a more permanent place. Moving is both stressful and expensive, so I need a place I can call home and living on my own will be expensive, can't afford much. My living situation is in limbo and that sucks. I look around my dream home and it no longer feels like home to me, all I see are things I have to pack up and/or divide up with Antonio.

My boss is giving me until November at the latest to find another job or she's letting me go. When I told her I needed a raise and benefits because of my impending divorce she flat out refused me and told me I should start looking elsewhere. In under a month she hired my replacement and said she can't afford to keep both of us on for too long. Does she not understand the crappy job market? An employer can find someone right away, but an employee can be searching for weeks-months-years. I've been looking everyday, applied to over a hundred places, and had a few interviews...nothing yet. And the places I'm looking at will most likely mean a pay-cut, I make barely enough to survive on my own now. My job situation is in limbo too.

And I have sworn off dating. I know there are many great intelligent romantic loyal and loving men out there, but none of them seem to want me. I find the liars, users, and manipulators. Plus I need time to myself to heal from my failed marriage and build a healthy relationship with myself.

I haven't written poetry, my novel, my blog in months. I promise nothing to anyone. I'm just trying to survive here and that's hard enough.