Puzzle Pieces

Fairly recently I decided to slowly dip my feet back into the dating pool. I am trying to avoid my usual belly flop technique. At present time I am NOT looking for a full fledged relationship or boyfriend, I want to take things slow and see what's out there. Ideally it would be nice to form a solid friendship with a guy first and then see if it develops into something more. I'm definitely not in the all or nothing mentality, if I meet someone nice but there are no sparks then I would love to have them as a friend.

Anyone who knows me or has read some of my blogs understands how badly hurt I have been in the past by my poor decision making skills when it comes to romance. It's not fair to place 100% of the blame on the guys because at the end of the day I went into these relationships completely willingly. I chose these men. No one forced me to date them or stay with them.

A mistake is only a mistake if you don't learn something from it. Each relationship not only helped me understand better what I want and don't want in a partner, it also helped me better understand myself.

*No cars, no deal. I have dated a handful of men without cars. This meant me and my car did all the driving. Not only was this expensive especially since they never offered to chip in for gas, it was also a major inconvenience. Sometimes plans couldn't happen because they couldn't get a ride or the bus schedule was out of wack. Add this to the fact that I have a sleep disorder that limits how long I can drive or my ability to drive at night. I'll be friends with someone without a car, but I won't date them.

*This leads perfectly to point #2. No job, no deal. You don't have to make six figures, but you should be able to financially support yourself. Once again I dated a handful of men who had fallen on hard times. Not surprisingly a lot of these men have the no car issue as well. So anything we ever did was on my dime: any date, any eating out, any fun activity. And staying in for a mellow and more cost effective evening was almost never something they were interested in. I have no problem paying for myself or treating another person but I am not going to fund an entire relationship nor would I expect the other person to.

*I love children, everyone knows this, but I recently discovered I don't want to date a man who already has them. Once again this is based on experience. The men I dated who had children all had baby mama drama. Additionally I don't know what my role or place would be in that child's life. I have so much respect for single parents, but I just don't feel I can go down that road again. And this may be selfish but a big dream of mine is to have my own kids some day and a man who already has kids may be less likely to want more.

*Attraction is an important factor. I was in two relationships with men that weren't attracted to me. This meant they weren't interested in physical affection such as cuddling or kissing and definitely didn't want to have sex with me. It also meant that their eyes as well as other body parts wandered. I in turn have dated a couple of guys I wasn't completely attracted to, but I went for it because they had amazing personalities. I think this is something that separates a friend from a lover, mutual attraction. Because I wasn't attracted to them there was no passion, no desire, no spark. Who wants a relationship without spark?

*We all have pasts and sometimes they include things we are less than proud of. I am obviously no exception to this, however in being more than understanding about certain men and their pasts I have gotten very badly burned when they ended up repeating their pasts with me. For this reason I will never again date someone who has a criminal record, a recovering drug addiction, or a series of infidelities with previous relationships. I don't care how long ago it was, it's just too high a risk and too stressful.

*Open minded. To call myself liberal would be a gross understatement. People who are discriminatory against certain religions, ethnicities, life style choices, genders....need not apply. I am a humanitarian and have no place in my world for bigotry. Living over three years in the bible belt taught me just how hurtful close minded people can be with their words and actions.

*Family oriented. I consider my parents my best friends and I consider my best friends my family. It's so important to me that the guy I'm with not only get along with my people, but that I get along with his. I want someone who has a good relationship with his parents and a solid group of friends. I can understand someone lacking in one department, but both raises a giant red flag.

*Maturity. I'm thirty years old, not twenty. Someone who has goals, aspirations, and direction in their life would be ideal. A guy who still insists on drinking until he gets shit faced on a regular basis, blowing all his money on fancy toys like big screen TVs without having money to pay his bills, working a minimum wage job with no motivation to climb up the ladder...we all have to pick a time and place to be grown ups. I can have fun, but there's also a time to step up to your responsibilities. This includes knowing how to make the bed, do your own laundry, and cook some basic meals. If your mommy still does all these things for you, well that's just sad. If you still live with your parents that's even worse.

*Sports obsessions. There are TV shows I absolutely adore, but my life doesn't stop for them. I won't blow off people, events, and obligations because my TV show is having a 90 minute special. I think it's great to have a passion, all passions need some sort of realistic limitation. If you're having a hard time deciding between your grandma's 90th birthday party and a baseball game, then there's something wrong.

*Religion. I was raised Jewish, dabbled in Christianity, and Paganism found me when I was nineteen. The likelihood of me finding a man with the same exact beliefs as me is not very high, but I want someone who believes in something. I also want someone who may not necessarily agree with my beliefs yet they will be respectful to them. Once I dated a man who said, "All religions are bullshit and you're a fuckin idiot for believing in one!" Faith is a beautiful thing and I know prayer has helped me through some of the darkest times in my life. It would be nice to share with someone the basic thought that some higher power is loving and taking care of us.


Settling is no longer an option for me. I've spent almost my entire dating life settling because I honestly believed I didn't deserve or couldn't get what I really wanted. No more. I know who I am, what I have to offer, and what I want. I'm college educated, beautiful, voluptuous, come from a great family, am on a career path, have my own place, compassionate, great sense of humor, and I treat my man like a king. All I'm asking is for the same in return. I know I am worth it.