Resentment Rears it's Ugly Head (Confessional Tuesday)

Antonio and I were doing great ever since the decision for the divorce. We were both happier and had mature conversations about the steps we needed to take: dividing our stuff, selling the house, me getting my own health insurance.

Antonio initiated in the beginning that if we're going to be friends we need to be open and honest with one another about our dating. This isn't to say we would divulge every minute detail, but at least be comfortable with each other knowing that the other person is back out on the market. Rita said this was dangerous water we were treading, but I decided to trust Antonio.

So he asked me about my dates or the people I was potentially interested in. I in turn asked him and he kept telling me there wasn't anyone. Then I find out he's been spending a decent amount of time "hanging out" with an ex-girlfriend.

I'm not jealous, just upset that he lied to me. He said he didn't tell me because she didn't want him too. I explained that we made a promise to be 100% upfront with one another and she needs to understand that. HUGE FIGHT! The tension in the house the last few days has been so thick because he thinks I'm overreacting and I think he lied to me again...this was another issue in our marriage, his lying to me.

The other night I hear him on the phone trying to calm her down and explaining that I still want us to be friends, interesting wording, I want the friendship, not him or us, but me.

Our house will most likely go on the market August 15th. To anyone out there who prays to any kind of entity, please pray that we get an offer at the open house (most likely August 21) and we close by Oct 1st. I no longer want to be under the same roof as Antonio. I need my physical freedom and we both desperately need space from one another. Obviously his top priority is this new girl and not trying to save a 10 year friendship.

I deserve so much better than this.

Thai-ing Something New (Trial & Error Monday)

The new hair (the color is permanent, but my curls will come back as I only had him blow it out straight)


Saturday night I joined my good friends Rita and Dave for some Thai food. For those of you who don't know me well, I am a notoriously picky eater. Summer of '92 when my family drove cross-country I basically survived on shredded cheddar cheese and ice cream, lost 20 pounds too! I have since tried to repeat this diet but sadly could not boast the same success. The Thai food was excellent and if you ask me what I ordered I can't remember, I liked it.

The best part of the evening was when I got up after the meal, tripped over my cushion seat, and landed knee first on the hardwood floor. There was much limping and icing after wards.

I also decided with all the changes going on in my life that I wanted a new look too. So my brilliant hair dresser gave me an all over deep red color, my once honey highlights are now a vibrant red as well too. Rita of course begs me to buy myself a straightener since I look so good and feel so confident when my hair is straight. I'm contemplating it. I would never permanently straighten my hair as I love my curls dearly.

Last week I got back to my own blogging, this week I hope to get back to following other people's blogs too. Then the following week I want to pick up working on my MS & it's sequel again.

The Phoenix Passions (Free Flow Friday)

This is more of a rap than a poem, inspired by Eminem's newest CD "Recovery"

They say hope is eternal and I'm eternally sprung
Wisdom wasted on the old foolishness runs deep in the young
Let me dirty dance with the devil cause my souls for sale
Highest bidder takes the prize for this reformed sinner
Don't you look at me with judgement in your eyes when you're dressed in designer lies
Traveling first class one way in the journey of lust
Savoring every lingering lick, touch, and thrust
This is me who I am the girl inside
Don't mistake me for the doormat I once was, this bitch's got pride
On the prowl for lifes taste after 29 yaers spent a waste of space
There's no mercy for the weak, if you want your voice heard you better fuckin speak
There are those who play the game and those who sit on the side
Feel the fame when they chant your name no longer denied
Push me and I'll push you back even worse
Center stage no more time to rehearse
My heart never caught up with my head buried in dust
Give me what I want right now and more of it too much is never enough
Phoenix rising from the heat of her ashes soaring into the bed of her latest passions

Are you out there? (Bitch It Out Thursday)

I have always equated jobs to relationships. When I was younger and had my part time/after school gigs, that was like casual dating. I knew it was short term and really just for fun. I didn't get much out of it except a small paycheck and product discounts, but it served its purpose at the time.

After college I wanted to find something more substantial, something I could grow with and be with long term. In seven years I have had six jobs: a bank, an elementary school, a data publishing company, an insurance call center, another insurance call center, and a personal lines insurance agency. Basically I stay at each one for about a year busting my ass in efforts to move up within the ranks, but for some odd reason it never seems to work out. I just haven't found that fit.

I don't want another job, I want a career. I want to find my niche; where I can excel at what I do, love what I do, and make good money at what I do. I would call that the holy trifecta and I'm starting to have my doubts if I'll ever find it.

Like dating, all my jobs seemed GREAT in the beginning. Full of promises that were later unfulfilled. Managers that didn't believe in me or worse yet berated me. And then I lose my steam and motivation.

I think I would be an amazing office manager or personal assistant. I'm organized, detail oriented, customer friendly, can work great independently and in a team setting, and have done general admin work for every job I have had since I was fourteen.

The other aspect is that I don't get paid my worth. Jobs always low ball me and I jsut accept it because I have this stupid belief that I don't deserve any better. Every since July 1st when I got self esteem I decided I will NOT settle in any aspect of my life and that especially includes employment. So I'll looking around for that dream job that gives me what I want and I need.

On The Hunt (Wednesday Nobody Interviews)

This week's "Nobody Interview" is with my favorite bad boy Reed Hunter. This interview is unconventional as he is a fictional charactor from my unpublished MS's "Prep School Sins" and it's sequel title TBA. He's entering his junior year of high school at Stanobia Academy located just outside of Salem, Mass.

1. How do we know eachother?

(eyes me up and down) We met last November when you're brilliant mind created me, but in my opinion we don't know eachother nearly well enough.

2. In Prep School Sins we get to see the interesting group dynamics between you and your closest childhood friends. Why don't you tell us a little bit about each of them.

(rolls eyes) I thought this interview was about me? Whatever. Tyler is my roommate and the guy has a giant redwood stuck up his ass. All about schedules and planning, he even irons his damn clothes the night before. Dude needs to take it easy every once in a while. Who else? Oh yeah, my boy Perry. Perry is so pussy whipped by Dani, he won't even look at another girl. What a waste because Dani aint all that. But he's a pretty good artist, can do just about anything creative with his hands. It's cool that he's got his thing, you know? My thing is pot and porn, well I guess that's two things. Anyways, Perry rooms with Caleb or as I like to call him 'Scarlet V'. Caleb is the only one of us that hasn't tapped some sweet ass yet. He's a bit quiet too, kind of a pansy. Sometimes I think he might be gay actually not that there's anything wrong with that, my older bro is gay.

3. You briefly mentioned Dani. She's the only girl in the group. What's your relationship like with her?

First of all you can hardly call Dani a girl, I think she has more testosterone running through her than the rest of us. (chuckles) As far as relationships, I don't do those. Why waste money on wooing a girl when there are plenty of ways to get it for free? If I ever did have a relationship it wouldn't happen until I was real old like twenty-five or something and it would never be with Dani. Dani does her thing and I do mine.

4. So you've never had a girlfriend?

Are you offering up your services sweetheart? (I shake my head) No, I'm all about cutting to the chase. There is a girl I'm dealing with, you know a friends with benefits thing, but just benefits. I don't do affection, romance, or any of that bullshit. Get it, get out, get over it. That's my method of attack.

5. Well you're young, maybe someday when you meet the right girl your opinions will change. Do you have a specific type?

Baby, I meet the 'right girl' all the time. (winks) Right now, right here, oh yeah. And as far as my type, I don't discriminate: younger, older, short, tall, Hispanic, Asian, Black, White. It don't matter cause pussy is pussy. My type is female.

6. Okay, besides getting laid what other interests do you have?

Here at Stanobia Academy I try to keep a low profile. Tyler's Mr. Big Man on campus. I smoke dope in the woods pretty much every afternoon and do the bare minimum to pass my classes. I think there are better ways to spend my time other than stressing over boring academic shit. I am on the varsity swim team, but that's because it's an activity where I can show off what I'm working with in a tiny speedo. Great way to pick up chicks. So I guess it is always about sex with me but what do you expect?!

7. Typically high school juniors are starting to think about their plans for after high school. Where do you see yourself post-graduation?

Well my buddies will probably head off to college, but that's not really my deal. I'm doing school now because it's mandatory, as in my parents will kick my ass to the curb if I don't graduate high school and it's not cheap to support some of my habits. I definitely don't want anymore school. I don't know, I'm not a planner. I like living impulsively day to day. I'm all about having my fun right now, do first think later. Damn why did you have to get all serious? You're killing my buzz girl.

8. Okay, okay. You mentioned earlier that you have a friend with benefits. How exactly does that work?

We have sex.

Care to elaborate?

It's really freaky hot sex. Different places, sometimes we bring another girl into it. This girl is a sexual acrobat too.

Who is she?

Can't get into that.

9. Okay, I am going to attempt to steer this conversation away from sex. What is your favorite childhood memory?

That's easy, Halloween when I was six. All of us dressed up as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I was Michaelangelo. I think sometimes I miss how simple things were back then. We were just kids trying to grab as much candy as possible without a care in the world. It's not that I stress about anything now, but all my friends do. It can be a real downer sometimes like they can't just let loose and have some crazy fun.

10. I want to thank you for taking the time out to do this interview with me. My traditional last question, if you could be any breakfast cereal what would you be and why?

What the fuck kind of question is that? You're a bit weird, you know that right? Well I guess I would be Lucky Charms because I am magically delicious.

Internet Romance (Confessional Tuesday)

It happened unexpectedly but I met someone, kind of. I was chatting with a guy I came across through www.writersmarket.com on a strictly friendship level for about the last couple of months. It started with him reading one of my blogs on that site about my battles with mental illness. He reached out to me because he could relate to what I was saying. It felt good. I have an amazing support system of friends and family, but none of them know what I battle each day and I would never wish it on them of course. When you meet someone who "gets you" on that level there's a bond others just wouldn't understand.

I also opened up to him about what was going on with Antonio and he listened. No real advice because he's never been there, but he had a very empathetic ear. Over the course of our conversations something happened and I ended up legitimately liking this guy. Then I found out from him that the feelings were mutual. The best part is that this guy knows the "worst" of me and is completely okay with it. Another lesson I learned from my failed marriage is that you can't just be with parts of who I am, you need to love and accept all of me. This is what I'm doing for myself.

I can't guarantee that this ISN'T a rebound and that's why I'm taking things slow. He also lives about 1500 miles away, so we can't have a real relationship at this point. We're talking on the phone every day and he's making plans to fly up here to meet me in September. In the meantime I told him I have to take care of myself, so I'm dating around and just having fun.

Is this crazy? Absolutely. But he makes me smile which a guy hasn't done for me in a long time. If things actually do work out with him that would be amazing, but if they don't I'll be okay with that too. the most important relationship to me right now is the one I have with myself. I am still focused on me and the things that I need to do to make me happy.

Turning Around (Trial and Error Monday)

My new phoenix tattoo symbolizing my re-birth

I read a great line in an MS that I am beta reading for "If you feel like you're traveling down the wrong road, then just turn around". Thanks PK!

The reason I have been MIA for the last couple of weeks is because so many parts of my life turned upside down.

1)I told my boss about my divorce and that it meant I needed more money and health insurance. Now I have been practically running this office for the last year, I bring in the most sales and have the heaviest work load. Because I am such a dependable worker my boss is allowed alot of personal freedom to cut out early, come in late, and take lots of time off. I thought I was worth what I was asking for, but she flat out refused me. This isn't the first time an employer didn't see my true worth, so now I have to look for another job which is never fun OR easy.

2) Antonio and I will also be putting our house, my dream house, on the market shortly. The home we owned in South Carolina was on the market for nearly 1 & 1/2 years, so I am not looking forward to this process either. Part of me wants to relish the time I still have in my beautiful home while the other part of me wants it to sell fast so I can move into my own place and truly start my own life. Kind of like a bandaid, I just want to rip it off and be done with it. Living with him in this house is both awkward and at times painful because this was the home we bought with the idea we would raise a family in it. Neither of us are moving out because it's huge and I can't see why we can't live like roomies since that was practically how we lived our marriage, seperate bedrooms and all. Plus I can't float rent and a mortgage at the same time, and I don't have anyone who can put me up so I have no where to go but into another place of my own. And Antonio is working three jobs to help pay for our home, so what right do I have to tell him to leave?

3)Then there's the fact that I've been *gasp* dating again. Nothing really serious, just having fun right now.

My trial and error over the past couple of weeks has been "Living my life for me". This means doing what makes me happy, putting myself first, and not making any more excuses about enjoying life to the fullest. And you know what? I'm actually happy. July 1st I decided to stop hating myself cold turkey because there is so much of me to love. If I look at the list of things I don't like about myself it really pales in comparison to the things I love about me. And the person I want to be vs the person I currently am really aren't all that different.

People can judge me or my situation all they want, but I don't care. I'm sick of trying to please others, I did that for more than 20 years and all it did was make me miserable. If what happened with Antonio has taught me anything, it's that I have to be there for me because at the end of the day I am the one who has to live with myself.

I plan to return to my regularly blogging schedule and pray that all my followers didn't leave. :-)