Turning Around (Trial and Error Monday)

My new phoenix tattoo symbolizing my re-birth

I read a great line in an MS that I am beta reading for "If you feel like you're traveling down the wrong road, then just turn around". Thanks PK!

The reason I have been MIA for the last couple of weeks is because so many parts of my life turned upside down.

1)I told my boss about my divorce and that it meant I needed more money and health insurance. Now I have been practically running this office for the last year, I bring in the most sales and have the heaviest work load. Because I am such a dependable worker my boss is allowed alot of personal freedom to cut out early, come in late, and take lots of time off. I thought I was worth what I was asking for, but she flat out refused me. This isn't the first time an employer didn't see my true worth, so now I have to look for another job which is never fun OR easy.

2) Antonio and I will also be putting our house, my dream house, on the market shortly. The home we owned in South Carolina was on the market for nearly 1 & 1/2 years, so I am not looking forward to this process either. Part of me wants to relish the time I still have in my beautiful home while the other part of me wants it to sell fast so I can move into my own place and truly start my own life. Kind of like a bandaid, I just want to rip it off and be done with it. Living with him in this house is both awkward and at times painful because this was the home we bought with the idea we would raise a family in it. Neither of us are moving out because it's huge and I can't see why we can't live like roomies since that was practically how we lived our marriage, seperate bedrooms and all. Plus I can't float rent and a mortgage at the same time, and I don't have anyone who can put me up so I have no where to go but into another place of my own. And Antonio is working three jobs to help pay for our home, so what right do I have to tell him to leave?

3)Then there's the fact that I've been *gasp* dating again. Nothing really serious, just having fun right now.

My trial and error over the past couple of weeks has been "Living my life for me". This means doing what makes me happy, putting myself first, and not making any more excuses about enjoying life to the fullest. And you know what? I'm actually happy. July 1st I decided to stop hating myself cold turkey because there is so much of me to love. If I look at the list of things I don't like about myself it really pales in comparison to the things I love about me. And the person I want to be vs the person I currently am really aren't all that different.

People can judge me or my situation all they want, but I don't care. I'm sick of trying to please others, I did that for more than 20 years and all it did was make me miserable. If what happened with Antonio has taught me anything, it's that I have to be there for me because at the end of the day I am the one who has to live with myself.

I plan to return to my regularly blogging schedule and pray that all my followers didn't leave. :-)