Some Insight

First and foremost I want to extend my gratitude. In the last few months things have been a bit rocky for me with my health, but what has helped more than anything is knowing that I am not alone. People in my life have shown me in numerous ways that they care and offered their support in any way they could. I am so incredibly thankful.

A number of you on my feed have expressed your concern about what has been going on with me lately and I haven't been very transparent, but I am ready to open up.

Since November I have been to the ER three times. I have missed several days of work, gone through many tests, and consulted with various doctors. The medical world agrees there is definitely something wrong, but they just can't figure out what...yet. I am hopeful they will at some point and then we can start a course of action to get me back on the road to wellness.

But I am scared of the unknown right now. There are so many questions floating around in my head with very few answers. What is wrong with me? Will anyone ever figure it out? Am I going to get better?

My level of stress has skyrocketed causing daily anxiety attacks. These anxiety attacks have increased in length and severity. Often I am brought to tears by just how intense they get. These attacks have woken me up in the middle of the night on several occasions.

Lately I have been on edge lashing out at people I care about. They are only trying to help me and have done nothing to deserve my behavior, for this I am deeply and truly sorry. I am not acting like myself and very unhappy about it. I started to lose hope, became depressed about what was going on as things continued to get worse. 

My job, my family, my friendships are all suffering because I can't get a handle on this. I take responsibility for my actions. I promise I am doing the best I can to get back to me; I am proactively seeking medically attention as well as starting a variety of medications.

I want my life back. I want to be me again. 

Thank you for the kindness, compassion, and patience of those who have stood by me when I recognize just how easy it would be to walk away. This is a lot to deal with, it isn't pretty, but I'm going to push through it.

Someone With Chronic Health Problems

It is hard to have someone in your life with chronic health problems. There's just no way around the cold hard truth. They can be emotionally, physically, and financially draining.

Someone with chronic health issues can be unreliable at best, you just never know when they will bail on you at the last minute without warning because of an episode. It could have been an event really important to you that had been all planned out and anticipated for weeks, but suddenly they are a no-go. Or how about everyday social restrictions? This person just simply cannot participate in certain activities you enjoy because of their chronic health issues. This can be crippling to what could have been a thriving social life.

Someone with chronic health problems is probably a bit needy. They most likely don't want to be this way, that's just how it is. There will be times the people in their life will have to drop what they are doing and rearrange entire schedules to accommodate the latest health crisis. Drive them to appointments. Be on call for emergencies. Play nurse in the least sexy and fun way possible. If you choose to be in their life then be prepared that at any given moment you may get that unpleasant phone call to come running to their rescue.

Someone with chronic health problems will most likely be an emotional roller coaster. Yes, things can always be worse. They may be lucky and have a condition that does have ample medical research, medicines, and treatments that can help stabilize them. Then again they may not. Either way in that moment when they are suffering they may lose the ability to look beyond the pain to all the great things in their life, including you the wonderful partner/friend/family member, who has stood by them. In that moment of suffering they may be hurt, angry, stressed, depressed, and probably a combination of all of them. They may lash out at you because you're healthy and they are not, let me emphasize they would never wish this upon you and that they are only frustrated at your inability to relate.

Someone with chronic health problems might not feel like a person at all but a factory recall defect. They live life in suspense unsure when the next flare up will happen or how bad it will be. They are at the mercy of medical professionals who may be guessing at the ways to help them. They may fear that they are broken and unlovable. These feelings may be based on painful past experiences.

Someone with chronic health problems may end up being dishonest. This isn't in a way to manipulate you or deceive you in some hurtful way, this is a safeguard. They may downplay just how bad things are because they don't want to worry others or feel like they have become someone's burden. Sometimes they are being dishonest with themselves and they push through harder than they should which will just end up causing more harm than good. Often they smile through the pain because it seems like the path of least resistance.

Someone with chronic health problems cannot live life spontaneously. Each day they must map out what they are capable of doing. Conscious choices must be made and more often than not things will not go as planned, things will not get accomplished even if they really needed to. There are days that getting out of bed, leaving the house, and facing the world are a giant victory.

Sometimes it's hard to recognize that you are a person with a disease and not the disease itself.

This is written for those who have chronic health problems to know that you are not alone. There are so many of us out there who face the battle every day whether we want to or not. This was also written for those who chose to be in the live's of those with chronic health issues. We need love, support, compassion, and advocates when we are unable to do those things for ourselves.

This is not about pity and this is not about those who have chosen to exit my life. This is a hard path to walk and I choose to walk it rather than give up. Thankfully I know that I am not walking this alone

The Spoon Theory http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/w…

Change your attitude, change your life

I used to play the victim and believe me when I say I did it quite well. Everything ugly in my life was always someone else's fault. In efforts to gain sympathy I would post on my blog, facebook, or just ramble my sob story to anyone who would listen.

Please hear all the overly dramatized details of my big bad life. Accepted responses can include: you don't deserve this, things will get better, you poor sweet baby. Pretty much any version of that will do. Bonus points if you supply ice cream to me as well.

Well here's the real deal, being the weeping girl in the dark corner got old. After a while people grew tired of my piss poor attitude and moved on, and honestly who can blame them? Who wants to be around a 24/7 giant ball of misery? Negativity breeds negativity and I was like the plague. Unfortunately I did not have the option to run away from myself which meant I could continue to have my own perpetual pity party or I could make some serious changes.

Self refection can be a pretty grueling process. Looking into yourself, saying these things are not okay, and they need to be addressed. Equally important is seeing the things that are pretty wonderful and finding a way to bring those more to the surface. I knew I was in for a long uphill battle, did I have it in me to go the distance? There's no way to half ass this, all or nothing.

In recent years I have been someone that has lived by mottos, one of my favorite being "Change your attitude, change your life." It works, trust me when I say I am living proof.

When I played the victim it meant I had no power over my circumstances because I gave all that power to outside influences. In taking responsibility for the things in my life I take back the power and give myself the ability to change things. Not everything bad is someone else's fault, but at the same time not everything is my fault either.

Two major things come to light where I saw dramatic changes once I adjusted my attitude, the first was my health. I was very overweight with various ailments because of it. It was easy to say this was just how I was meant to be, inhale a box of cookies, and stay slothy on my couch watching endless hours of television. There was no quality to my life.

A choice was made to play a more active role by rejoining Weight Watchers and getting back into physical activity. Oddly enough I discovered a love of cooking fresh and nutritious meals as opposed to my previous preference of take-out/microwavable dishes. Additionally I experienced a surge of energy when I engaged in exercise that made me feel a rush I hadn't thought possible. The weight melted off, I stopped needing certain medications, and my quality of life vastly improved. I made a vow to myself to take care of myself from that point forward.

The second and honestly harder change was when it came to the relationships in my life. For years it was so easy to say I had been taken advantage of, been used, neglected, betrayed by the various people I had let into my life. Now that may have been true, but I was the one who gave those people the ability to do that. If I didn't stand up for myself or gave trust away too easily before I allowed someone the proper chance to earn it, then that's on me and not them. I choose who to date and befriend, no one else does that for me. So if I choose to invest in people with questionable character then I need to accept responsibility when that particular choice burns me.

Additionally when a relationship falls apart it is never just ONE person's fault. Every player had a role in the break down of a romance or friendship. For me I need to step back and evaluate how things went down from the other person's perspective. What drove them to act or say certain things. What was my contribution? In the future what can I do differently? It's always a learning opportunity because if you don't learn from it you'll keep doing the same thing over and over again. I will never be able to control other people's behaviors, but I do have complete control over how I act and react towards them. That is in my power, that is my choice and no one can ever take that away from me.

It was really enlightening for me when I discovered certain patterns in my previous relationships. It's really difficult to place the blame entirely on someone else when the same things kept happening. I had to look at the one common denominator which was me. And although I still have relationships both platonic and romantic that don't always turn out the way I had hoped, I am glad to say that in the past two years they have all been vastly different which means I am learning, growing, and adapting. And believe me when I say that I am far from done in that process.

I would also like to give thanks to all the people past and present that have been a part of my journey so far. Each person has taught me something about myself. I am able to see with much more clarity my strengths, my weaknesses, and discover new and exciting parts of who I am.

My attitude now is that life is good, my life is good. It is not perfect nor will it ever be, but the things I am unhappy with I now understand I have the power to change. I have the power over my life and that feels pretty great.

The Past Isn't Really Just The Past

It is often said that by living in the past you are ignoring the present and therefore denying yourself a future. Well I have to respectfully disagree because it is the path of our past that brought us to our current circumstances and will ultimately pave the way for whatever future we may have. Our past triumphs and failures helped shape the person we are and therefore cannot be so easily dismissed.

Recently I have experienced some hurdles with people close in my life because something I said or did triggered something in them from a past hurt. In one said situation I am embarrassed to say I actually requested that the person sweep that past underneath the rug and just try to move forward with me. My reasoning, as faulty as it was, was that I just didn't want to deal with it because of what negativity it may bring me. For priding myself on being an incredibly empathetic person that was a very callous action. How can I ever expect to build a relationship with someone without really knowing where they came from and how it got them to the here and now? The answer is that I can't.

People with all their many woven layers fascinate me. There is always this strong desire to dig deeper, unlock the mysteries of what makes this person's wheels turn and how they turn. And most people in your life will have come into your life somewhere in the middle of a journey, your beginning with them is not their actual beginning. What was the prequel to their story? Everyone has an origin.

If I want to develop something deeper than a casual acquaintanceship with someone I need to allow them the opportunity to open themselves up to me in ways that will most likely make both of us very uncomfortable. There will be stories they will tell that are not suitable for the Disney crowd. I need to shut up and listen, then offer my compassion and support. To really establish something with someone I hope to have in my life long term I need to create a safe space where they can lower their guard to let me see past the superficialities they may present to the rest of the world. And in all fairness I need to do the same in return; share, open, let them in. Yes, this creates an opportunity for extreme vulnerability where either of us may very well get hurt again OR it may create a chance for both of us to bond on a mutual trust that was born in that moment of emotional intimacy. 

There is such negativity surrounding past "baggage", but why does it have to be that way? If someone is happy or successful or damaged or cruel it's for a reason. People aren't just they way they are just because; the universe made them that way through a series of events, circumstances, and experiences. There is really no such thing as a completely clean slate or fresh start short of entire amnesia and even then it won't erase the impact you have had on others.

It's important to me that the bonds I establish with the people in my life are as genuine as possible. That means we have to allow the ugly to shine through and we all have a bit of ugly in us. I have to recognize that this person in front of me didn't just materialize out of nowhere, they walked a certain path that got them to this point in time. Go back in time, travel that path with them, allow them to travel mine with me. Recognize that we all have scars as proof we survived something. Don't be afraid of it.

Honestly I can't decide if I am more afraid of me or them, but I do recognize the very reality of this fear and my need to face it head on. 

Looks Aren't Everything, but They Really Kind of Are

In sixth grade I had a good friend Robert Curti. A natural friendship developed based on the close proximity of our lockers. He was also half hobbit like myself which brought about a mutual appreciation for being so small in such a large world, after all we had giant eight graders lurking around every corner. One of my favorite things about this friendship was how much we made one another laugh. Laughter is kind of one of my things, I might even adore it more than cheese. (another story for another time)

So what did I do? What I always do…I began crushing on my friend. I couldn't have just left well enough alone, nope I had to develop this monster "doodling his name in hearts on my notebook while daydreaming about our storybook wedding" crush. I know I am not completely alone in this. You have that awesome friend that gets certain pop culture references others don't, the person that makes you smile after that killer Social Studies test, and they are kind of nice to look at too. We as a human race are incredibly shallow, a point I will get into more later, but it is completely true and we should just all drown in this puddle of shallowness from time to time….or maybe not, I don't know, I digress.

Now remember this is middle school, so things must get handled a certain way. I told a mutual friend, Michael Sarracino, to tell Robert that I liked him as more than a friend and to find out if he liked me too. I know you are all on the edge of your seats and although I understand the many benefits of delayed gratification I am one impatient bitch, so here we go:

Michael reports back to me, "Robert said you are so incredibly smart. He likes how down to earth you are and that you're not some stuck up snob like most of the girls around here. He loves your morning chats, you always make him laugh….but you're a complete dog and he would never date you."

Obviously I was crushed by my crush, I understand that's how things often play out. I mean if everybody I crushed on crushed on me too, well there just aren't enough hours in the day to be with that many people….woah mama! And even though Robert hurt my feelings, I really didn't want to lose the friendship, but he was completely done with me. He immediately started bullying me so harshly (words do hurt my friends) that I started carrying around all my books on me to avoid going to my locker or when I absolutely had to go I never went alone. Strength in numbers and all that. :-(

I felt an emoticon was appropriate there, so I added it.

Robert wasn't the first to do that to me and definitely not the last. Throughout the rest of middle school, high school, and college I was told multiple times how I was just not attractive enough or too fat, mostly it was that I was too fat, to be dateable. ::sigh:: Obviously this gave me a bit of a complex and even though there were some very wonderful people in my life that would tell me just how beautiful they found me, that was never what I saw looking back in me in the mirror. I would fixate on all the things supposedly wrong with me physically: bad hair, acne, overweight, scars, ect.

About two years ago I got my life on track because of some problems that arose from living a very very unhealthy life. I lost weight and with that gained the desire to put much more effort into my appearance (I didn't even see the point in trying before) by doing my hair, making certain fashion choices, occasionally wearing some make-up. The Robert Curti's of the world started treating me quite differently.

I started getting Facebook friend requests from people that wanted nothing to do with me back in school now insisting we catch up and get together. I got my very first cat call while walking to my car after work one day. Two men literally fought over who could hold the door for me at the bank a couple of weeks ago. And sometimes without asking retailers will give me stuff heavily discounted or for free. I just kept saying that people were being so nice to me all of a sudden and it was pointed out to me that people aren't THAT nice, they're shallow and think I am hot. The kindness is a ploy to get into my pants. Interesting side note, I mostly wear skirts and dresses. I just felt the need to point out a potential hole in the statement of getting into my pants.

While I can appreciate all the attention, I am still the same person just with a shinier spruced out exterior. And honestly a good deal of the time I do NOT see what others see when I see myself. I still have a tendency to fixate on what still needs to be worked on. I am still being judged for my looks. Before people didn't want to get to know me because I wasn't appealing to them and now fairly often people ONLY want to get to know me because I look appetizing to them. In the past year I have had "friends" that kept me around because they thought I was nice to look at, but didn't particularly care for me as a person. Those people have since been voted off the island.

I understand when we see something pretty we get excited, I am certainly no exception to this. But I do still believe a person is much more than the sum of their outward appearance. This is why I have and always will have people in my life of all shapes, sizes, and colors. There is a currently vacancy for a purple trapezoid friend if you know of any.

I am also very humbled by this experience because on some level deep down to me I will always be that ugly little girl no one wanted. I'm a work in progress, but then again who isn't?

　

About a Boy

At first I liked the idea of you and I can be honest enough with myself to admit that.
That night we were drawn to each other by some unknown force. And as cliché as this may sound your warmth pulled me in more than anything. You had the kind of smile that would make me have no choice but to smile back even on the shittiest of days. Trust me when I say that's saying a lot. Forget butterflies, I wanted to straight up vomit. Please take that as the highest of compliments because I despise vomiting. That probably didn't make any sense, so let's just say you rattled me in the best possible way.

It's unfair to say I had no expectations, I'll just leave it at I didn't necessarily have high expectations of where things would go. You were good looking and charismatic and really that's all that mattered to me at that particular point in time. I put on a pretty good show of this cool confident chick, but I'm not really her at all…at least not when it came to you. You made me all kinds of nervous. There was definitely a self pep talk before I asked you out. Oh and this would be the first of many to come.

You surprised me. You exceeded my expectations in every way. Maybe my expectations weren't so high to begin with, but a girl can hope can't she? It's hard for me to even remember the last time I had that good a time with someone. And each time was even better than the last. We laughed. We kissed. We began to open up a part of ourselves for the other one to get a sneak peak, a preview into what was yet to come.

And then the Mega Date happened. This was the day that would give insight into where this was all going. I walked away from it feeling this was a pretty great thing happening between us and things were definitely moving into a solid place. I liked you and I wasn't afraid to admit it and put it out there. I wanted more of you, more of us. Just more to see if there could be more. And there could have been more…

There were things that happened after that Mega Date. Things with you, things with me, just things. Not fantastically happy things either. I got spooked by how good and crappy things were all at the same time. We sat there afterwards on opposite ends of my living room couch. Both of us nervous. Both of us avoiding eye contact. I told you we were incompatible which wasn't completely truthful. We both know just how freakin compatible we are. I told you we should move forward as friends which wasn't 100% what I wanted either. You reluctantly agreed. How is it that in that moment I finally saw just how much you liked me? Just how much you were into this? All those doubts and insecurities that had been whispering in my ear since the beginning now silenced. I had once laughed when you told me you get "friend-zoned" all the time yet now I was doing that very thing.

Timing is everything and that is the honest truth. This was not our time, I completely get that, but it doesn't make it suck any less. What I should have told you was that we take a break and try again down the road…why completely close the door to the room I really want to be in? I still like you, take that for what you will. I'm still helplessly hopeful this will get another chance….but if it doesn't I would rather have you as a friend than as nothing at all.

Identity

Sometimes I wonder if she'll come to me when I least expect it. I'll fall asleep one night, then wake up the person I was supposed to be. For now the truth remains that I lay bundled up in my blanket of false security. Security laced with high doses of insecurity is the actuality of my reality. How can anyone really know me if I don't know myself? Filled deeply with a knowledge of wealth for all the things except the most important thing of all.

I know the facts. All the things you fill in on the top section of any application. Name, date of birth, place of residence are not the evidence of who you are. What am I? A girl wandering around lost looking for that cubby to crawl inside and stow away till the storm passes. Excuse me, can you tell me which way to go? Would you know the person underneath if I peeled all these labels away one by one leaving behind my naked self?

Exposed.

Vulnerable.

Alone.

This road seems endless and my feet are sore. I don't want to be here anymore. Or there. Or there. Or really anywhere. Dizzying with confusion within this mass illusion. There is really no solution to my problem, not yet anyways. Maybe all these years I've been running away from the fears of if I find her I won't like her at all. She won't live up to the hype and hopes of all my highest dreams. It seems she wasn't worthy of the pursuit, never should have started at all. Keeping the incomplete me confined within these walls.

Of course I believed the chorus when they sang to me all my failures. In all honestly it became a siren song that pulled me along making me unable to pull away day after day after day. There was a symphony chillingly reminding me that I could never be anything other than what I already was and what I was wasn't much of anything at all. You can fall even lower when you're already down. Trust me I know. Stilted wilted flower stuck in the dark refusing to grow. It's safe here. It's quiet here. Maybe just maybe I even belong here.

　

Would I even recognize her if she walked right up to me and stared into me her deep brown eyes mirroring my own? Her touch my touch, her voice my voice, her thoughts the lighter shade of those that resonate in my own mind. Released from all the ugly that drowns me. Could it be? She would be free in an existence I always hoped I'd be. She would be enough, not enough for anyone else, enough for herself. Confidence infused with wisdom infused with clarity in complete mastery.

I am not her.

Not yet.

But maybe...

Things She Never Knew

History is written by the victors, Her Story was written by the survivor.

The first boy to ever say "I love you" covered her body in blacks and blues. This would set the pattern for all her relationships to come. Love meant pain, suffering, and heartache. It would build her up only to break her back down time and time again. And it would never matter what others told her for she believed it was her fault. If she had been more sexy, more intelligent, more of whatever he wanted her to be then it wouldn't have happened. But she couldn't be more, so she kept getting less than anyone deserved. This was a lesson she would take her entire lifetime to learn.

　

The next one chased her for years. Was she running from him or running from her fears? When caught he filled her head and heart with promises so beautiful she felt she had walked into a dream. But these dreams were nothing more than illusions. He decided the chase had tired him out. Anything that wasn't her became a more worthy pursuit. Forever and always really meant until she was no longer shiny and new. If she had been better than who she actually was then he would have stayed. This was a lesson she would carry with her until she was ready to learn from it.

　

The third she wanted to save because she felt she would never be able to save her own self. He latched onto her draining anything good and pure and true that had remained from previous devastations. He never used his fists, but often struck her with hateful words that tore her down until there was hardly anything left of the girl she had once been so long ago. She was merely his means to an end until he could step on her to reach something bigger and better. With what little strength she had left she crawled away vowing to never open her heart to another man again. This was a lesson she felt illiterate to.

　

She became an empty vessel allowing them to use her body for whatever they please truly believing she had nothing more to offer. Often she would stare into the mirror sickened by what she saw. Ugly, wasteful, used up. Happy endings belonged to others, she would never find hers. A woman torn down by those she only ever tried to build up. Not everything that is broken can be fixed, but then again was she ever a whole person to begin with?

 Things she never knew were maybe things she didn't want to know.
No one forced her to be with these men. She chose to be with them and now she needed to choose to be with herself. To stop seeking love and validation from the outside when it needs to come from within. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, this was no different. It was time to step out from the shadows of men and into the light of herself.

Woman Undefined

She stared at her naked self examining all of her that makes woman beautiful. The curves, the softness, the dark flowing hair cascading down her back. Her fingertips gently glide over her skin examining the parts of her she should know so well by now, but clearly did not know at all. How do you define the essence of a woman?

Child baring hips that will never bare a child

She felt hollowed out. Something taken from her so many others take for granted. Was she even a woman at all? And if not, how else could she identify herself? These were questions no one could fully answer, least of all herself. Her heart would never be as full as it could have been in another world where her fate had laid out a different path. In her own body's betrayal she lost a hope within a dream within a destiny that would never be.

Beautiful

To me this was always so much more than a word

It's a state of being

Craving something I hardly ever heard

Relentlessly grasping with all five senses

Inside of me afraid I will never be invited

Consistently told quite boldly thanks but no thanks

My father used to call me pretty girl, but I often wondered "what did he know that the rest of the world didn't?"

There are so many different depths yet I was stuck swimming in the most shallow pond

What was it about me that I had or didn't have? 

Was I put together wrong?

Not everything broken can be fixed

A fantasy destination I may never reach

Every time that I was passed over for someone else I hoped maybe next time it would be different

One day they might just realize they were wrong all along

Breath it in, believe it, see in, be it

To me this was always so much more than a word

Someone I used To Be

There was a time that I believed there was nothing to believe in. I was on the outside looking in. Happiness was an opportunity I could never grasp; moments of sanity fleeting. When I thought things couldn't get worse, they did. When I thought things couldn't get any better, I was right.

No one understood, but I didn't want them to understand because the only way to understand it was to immerse yourself in it. How can you watch the ones you love drown alongside you?

The cycle of numbness verses being consumed by raw emotion. Not completely sure which was worse.

They couldn't save me, I had to save myself. All their love meant nothing if I couldn't love myself. I had to find a reason, something to hold onto to pull myself up. For a long time I really didn't give a shit. Most of the people in my life eventually gave up while a small few stood by me. I was grateful and at the same time felt sorry for them.

I was ugly.

I was useless.

I was lost.

Sometimes I would fantasize about a life where I hadn't been made defective. Wow, what would that have been like? To be just like everyone else every damn day living a life full of possibilities. Possibilities. The ability to break through this self inflicted prison I call home. My abnormal is the only normal I know.

Who am I?

What am I?

Why am I this way?

Living among the shadows isn't really living at all.

Wreckless

She leaps into the unknown

Faster than the speed of fear

Vast emptiness in her eyes

Dangerously wreckless


She ignites her own inferno

Pursuing instant gratification

Living without limitation

Purging the last breathe of light in her soul


She seeks pleasure in the pain

Breaking through the numbness

Blade to skin without a flinch

Reminding her she's alive

No title, some erotic poetry

Come to me my deepest temptation
Fill me, thrill me, instill me with your sin
Clawing my way down your back
Show me how naughty can be so damn nice
You are that favorite mistake I love to make time and time again
Bite me, fight me, ignite me
Bodies soaked in lust
Tie me up without tying me down
Turn me around and take it out on my hide
Deep, deeper, deepest
Keep it up, keep it in, keep it going
Fuck the rose, give me all your thorns

Forgiveness Does Not Equal Acceptance

Recently I came across my old DBT ( Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) binder to pass on to a friend. This is a therapy technique specific to people who have Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD. For more information on the condition:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001931/


Every one's story is different and I have gone into mine many times, so that's not what this post is about. It's about when I came across this very powerful phrase that reminded me of a theme in my journey to wellness..."Forgiveness Does Not Equal Acceptance".

I used to have this distorted filter which sifts out all the good stuff and holds onto all the bad stuff. Memories of horrible times in my life play over and over while overshadowing some really amazing things that have happened along the way. It works in so many other aspects of my life such as compliments verses insults; 9/10 people tell me I'm beautiful but I grasp onto that one person who called me ugly. It repeats itself like a theme song in my head to the point that I can't even hear I'm beautiful.

After a lifetime of living this way I needed to do some major renovations. The thing is you need to find the source of the problem in order to have a long lasting and successful fixture otherwise you're putting scotch tape on giant gaping hole in your foundation...it just won't hold up.

Anger, pain, resentment at all the people in my life who have hurt me. There comes a point where you need to just let go so you can move on. I've always been a bit of a stubborn person and it took nearly thirty years for me to be able to do this. I can forgive them, but it doesn't mean I'm okay with what happened. I am at peace with what happened.

The hardest part of all was forgiving myself for the pain, anger, and resentment I may have caused others but mostly myself. Out of all the people in my life who have hurt me, no one has caused a deeper cut than the one I did with my own hand. I didn't love myself. I didn't respect myself. I didn't know my own value. And to be completely honest sometimes there are days I still need a gentle reminder. These things take time and I get that.

Horrible people and horrible actions are not one in the same. I am not my past. What I am is a person full of possibilities, some good and some bad. I have no doubt I will fall down again, the difference is I am so much quicker to get right back up these days and keep going skinned knees and all.

Frozen (A place I used to be, but no longer am)

Frozen in a fortress of my own tears

The light shadowed by my fears

Mightiest of angels can't save a soul already damned

Beaten down by the force of my own hand

Traveled a road you will never know

As a war wages within the only place I call home

Pleading for a way no longer wanting to stay in this crippling day

Scars from the past opening wounds for tomorrow

A numbness so heavy, a shield to my sorrow

Pieces of me shattered on the floor

Silently screaming no more

The Scarlet D

Disclaimer: This will not be some sappy pity party where I cry myself a
river over how a failed marriage destroyed me...um seriously who even
thinks that anymore?


Filling out the forms at the doctors office and checking off that
magical box "divorced" is how I know I have really arrived in the
promised land. But if I still had some doubts the glamorous paper gown
and cold metal stirrups put my mind at ease. OBGYN lady looks up at me
with her minors' light strapped to her forehead which by the way if she
finds any gold I call dibs as I am now a bitch on a budget.

While digging around she questions me, such the multi-tasker! "Do you
always use protection?"

I shrug, "Not really necessary at this point with my partners, but thank
you."

"You are aware of the increased risks of contracting sexually
transmitted diseases when you have unprotected sex with multiple
partners?"

I bite my lip. "But I assure you my partners are 100% faithful to me and
when I am done they are scrubbed down and put away."

She nearly drops her nifty tools. "Excuse me?"

This is when I happily list off all my toys in my drawer full of goodies
back at home. She gives me a stern look not appreciating my sense of
humor. You know how they say you shouldn't fuck with the people who
handle your food? I guess the same should be said for those who handle
your cervix. Lesson learned. I passed my exam with flying colors which
was why I was a bit disappointed when my request for a sticker "I got my
pap smear today!" was denied. Can you believe such a thing doesn't even
exist? At least they could have given me a lollipop and a balloon. As a
consolation prize I snatched a hand full of free flavored condoms. You
never know the next time you'll be stuck in traffic and fresh out of
gum.

Okay okay okay, here it comes. I met the one we shall not name but if we
must let's call him Spoon because well, why not? Oh wait I digress and
so early on too. Well it's a story not incredibly uncommon really: we
met young, rushed into sex, rushed into a relationship, rushed into home
ownership, rushed into marriage....then decided it would be fun to make
each other miserable for a few years with lots of angry fights and
crying before dragging our feet to divorce court.

Here is my grievance with the whole divorce process. It's long and
boring...let's make it a series of gladiator tournaments. Each event
wins a prize we're disputing like the house or our sanity. In the end
there is a giant obstacle course with alligators because I firmly
believe alligators should be involved in the divorce process. Whoever
wins the final event has to explain while wearing a clown suit that they
are an impotent deusch bag on national television. Actually they should
sing all the reasons they are a failure as a husband errr spouse to the
tune of "Ice Ice Baby".

I AM NOT BITTER. I am better. Did I cry while stuffing my face with the
lava cake sundaes at Friendly's? Maybe a few dozen times just to get it
out of my system. Then I decided the best medicine is making other
people uncomfortable about my situation. There were a lot of people who
witnessed our courtship and marriage, so there were a lot of opinions
and offers of sympathy. Mainly what everyone wanted to know was what had
happened. So depending on the day, my mood, and if Mercury was in
retrograde I would reply with any of the following:

"I consider myself a pretty open minded woman but there are just some
things that should be done with farm animals and hot wax."

"He was a bit of a bleeder."

"Sex change. Now my ex-husband is my best girlfriend and we go
patrolling for under aged hotties together."

"They wouldn't allow me to get my gun permit, so I settled on divorce.
Did you still need someone to watch the kids next weekend?"

"I found Jesus and I'm not really into threesomes."

"Apparently some people seem to think cannibalism is NOT okay.
Whatever."

"He was holding me back from pursuing my life long dream of moving to
the Philippines and running my very own Nike sweatshop."


You be surprised to learn that I have been accused more than once of
masking my pain with my sarcasm, but I am quick to reply that's what the
drugs and meaningless sex with strangers are for. Everyone has their own
coping mechanisms, don't judge mine and I'll be sure not to judge
yours...to your face.

I guess the real question I want to know at this point is, what's next
for me?

The Storm

Within all of us there lives a seed of darkness; it is up to each person to decide whether they will let that seed grow into something that may own day fester and consume them whole. It has been said that those who choose to give into the darkness will be granted immortality to continue doing the bidding of evil. Make no mistake, it is not a gift but rather a curse. The girl of water formerly known as Bethany lived hidden away in a cabin surrounded by trees. The day she gave birth to the prophecy was the very same day she slaughtered her soul along with any of her humanity. It is true that her choice to follow the path of darkness rewarded her with great power beyond her wildest dreams yet this power came at a cost; because she had offset the balance of the universe she would feel the searing pain of the damage she had caused for all eternity. Every day, every hour, every minute she would continue to feel crippled until things were somehow made right. She had been living like this for nearly two centuries. The thought had often crossed her mind of killing the prophecy children off as well as their parents. This would not only prevent everything from evolving into complete fruition, but perhaps it would also put an end to her suffering. Often she would find herself fantasizing about how, when, and where she would do it. These were the only simple pleasures in her life. That and causing torture to small defenseless animals: ripping wings off of butterflies, turning up the acidic level on lakes and streams to burn alive the creatures inside, knocking baby birds out of their nests. If even for the briefest of moments it allowed her to deflect her own misery onto something else. Regular pilgrimages were made to get supplies at a nearby town where she was known as the ugly evil crone. No one knew her real name and she preferred it that way. Everywhere she would go crowds would part to let her through, mothers with small children crossed the street to get away from her, no one dare speak to her unless she addressed them specifically, and everyone avoided direct eye contact. A small smile crept upon her face at this power she held over people without using any actual power. Although days when she was feeling particularly foul she had been known with the flick of her wrist to cause slight havoc amongst unsuspected by-passers: the little girl's ice cream cone instantaneously melting to a pile of mush, the young lovers tripping and falling face first onto the pavement, the teenager getting a third degree burn where her cell phone had rested along her face. Once again it was the simple pleasures that made the days pass by with a little more grace. Bethany had chosen the life of solitude many years back, a lonely life, yet the only one she knew. After she turned herself over to darkness her family shunned her and in turn Bethany shunned the rest of the world. There was a barrier spell placed so no animal or person could enter within the one mile radius around her home. If they tried they would receive an electrical zap much like the invisible fence some people have for their dogs yet much stronger and painful. While sitting on her front porch one afternoon enjoying the quiet the day had brought upon her, she perked up at the vision of a young woman coming towards her. How did this woman pass the barrier? Upon closer examination Bethany saw this was no ordinary person, she was a child of the elements more specifically of earth. Bethany stood up fists clenched at her sides, "You are not welcome here." The woman smiled, "I mean you know harm." Bethany belted out a cackle, "Mean me no harm? Obviously you don't know who you're dealing with stupid stupid girl!" The woman looked her defiantly right in the eyes, "I know exactly who you are after all I came to seek you out." "Then if you know who I am you must know what I am capable of. Its not me who needs to worry about being harmed." "Perhaps you should think twice before making idle threats to someone born in earth in an area surrounded by an abundance of trees. How do you think I got past your barrier spell?" Bethany thought for a moment. It had been a long while since she had come across such a bold and daring person. In reality the very last person had been her brother and that seemed like another lifetime ago. Bethany sat back down then motioned to the chair next to her. She surveyed the girl from top to bottom fully taking her in: the large brown eyes, the long braided hair, the round feminine curves. She was the epitome of life and beauty which was everything Bethany was not. "How did you find me? I took great measures to make sure no one knew who I was or where I was." The young woman sat down hesitantly and cocked her head to the side, "For the past couple of weeks I have been sending messages through the trees. I wasn't sure if you were still alive and if you were alive just how willing you would be to help us." She shook her head, "I don't make it a habit of wasting my energies on actions that will serve someone elses best interest." "Really? Even if it meant an end to the prophecy and your suffering?" "Who said I was suffering?" The young woman motioned to the trees around them, "Don't you know trees are notorious gossips? Now tell me am I wasting my time?" Bethany scratched her chin, "You have my attention. Now what is it exactly that you had in mind?" ********** Adam and Athena sat cross legged across from one another on the ground. Since his arrival they had begun doing daily transference sessions in order to give Athena a small taste of Adam's power which was only continuing to grow as the days progressed towards his twenty-first birthday. She had become an addict jonesing for her next fix, but everyone knew Adam had the upper hand since transference only worked between two willing parties. There would never be a scenario where she could just outright take from him what she had been craving most all these years. Additionally since Adam initiated each transference session he alone controlled just how much of his own essence went temporarily to her. Athena's eyes glistened, "And you think we can get Evan here too?" Adam nodded, "He'll come looking for me, but not before I'm ready to let him know where I am." Athena's boyfriend paced impatiently back and forth, "And why would he walk into an obvious trap?" Adam stood up and stared him down, "I already told you that Evan is weak and simple minded. He's also impulsive and careless. If he suspects I'm in danger he won't hesitate to come find me because I'm his brother and he loves me." He wouldn't back down, "And why should we trust you? By that same logic he's your brother and you love him." "Are you deaf or just dumb? Evan is a loose cannon with powers far beyond what he can control. My loyalties changed when he nearly burned my girlfriend to death recently because they got into a heated argument. I don't even know if she'll awaken. He is dead to me, or soon will be." Athena jumped up giddy with excitement, "Will we really be able to drain his powers?" Adam nodded, "Yes, just let me facilitate things. You get your power, I get my revenge, we both come out ahead." ********** It was mere hours before Evan turned twenty-one, yet he could already feel power surging throughout his body. At times it was intense he felt without a release he would literally go out of his mind. Thankfully Layla was with him to help keep him grounded. A couple days back they had received a cryptic message from Calla that put them on a twelve hour train ride then a two hour hike to exactly middle of nowhere Virgina. Armed with backpacks and a compass they kept on traveling East. Calla had mentioned they would know when to stop. Neither Layla nor Evan was sure exactly what that meant, but they trusted her. They had made their way from a plain field into a heavily wooded area. Then as the sun was beginning to set Layla grabbed Evan's arm, her eyes widened, and she gestured with her other hand "Look, it's Adam." Evan's jaw dropped. There was his recently estranged brother alongside their completely estranged mother and a small entourage of ten people with them. There was something different about Adam in the eyes, a part of him that Evan didn't quite recognize. And a horrible thought crossed his mind as he wondered if this is where he had been all along, with her. Did he still hold empathy for Athena even after all he had taught Adam about her? They all stopped when there was just a few feet separating them. Adam broke the silence, "I assume you got the message?" Evan merely nodded in response. Layla squinted her eyes. Athena grinned as she motioned for her people to step back a bit. Then she turned to Adam, "How are we going to do this?" Layla stepped forward, "Do what exactly?" Adam looked Evan directly in the eyes, "You are going to give to do a transference with Mom because you are a complete menace especially after what you did to Calla." Evan looked confused, "Calla? But she's...". Layla put her hand on Evan's chest to stop him, "No Evan, Adam is right. This is something that needs to be done." She turned to him, "You lack focus, discipline. I have tried so hard with you, but this is a moment made of dreams. It needs to all go away." Suddenly all was understood between them. Evan, Athena, and Adam each held hands while shutting their eyes. Layla stepped back fully aware that things were about to get ugly. Athena opened herself up to receive the power although she got far more than she expected. At first she was filled with a warm power surge greater than those she had previously experienced with Adam. Then he face began to crinkle in confusion, pain, agony. Tears streamed down her face for the first time in her life as she began to scream. She couldn't break the connection between them because the two of them were too strong for her. She was in a transference lock down. Adam was flooding her with the emotions of all her victims while Evan was flooding her with nearly twenty one years of the pain she had caused him with all his night terrors. As her allies tried to rush forward to help her Layla summoned a giant tornado that pushed the allies together and pulled them away; far enough to not disturb what the boys were doing with Athena yet close enough that Layla could still maintain control. Layla saw two more people approach and just as she was about to sweep them up too she stopped when she realized one of them was Calla. She was unsure who Calla's companion was yet she sensed the old woman was more friend than foe. Slowly Layla reigned in her forces releasing Athena's allies as they all dropped to the ground unconscious. Shortly thereafter Adam and Evan let go of Athena, she collapsed to the ground burying her face in her hands crying. Adam rushed over to Calla pulling her into his arms so tightly, "It was so hard being apart from you, but you were right that it would be worth it in the end." Layla questioned, "All of this was your idea?" Calla nodded bashfully. Then she explained, "It's not over yet and we don't have much time. This needs to get done before you turn twenty-one and come into full power. You need to meet someone, this is..." Before she could finished Calla abruptly pushed Adam to the ground and took a giant fireball right to the chest. Her face lost all color as she fell to the ground. All eyes looked up searching for the source to see that Athena was back on her feet, unsteadily, but with a darkness painted all over her face. "I will NOT be made a fool of, certainly not by some half wit children and their parlor tricks." Her words were barely above a whisper clearly a sign that she was still very weak from what Adam and Evan had put her through. Before anyone had the chance to retaliate the large tree behind Athena grabbed her dragging her against the base of the tree and with one swift motion snapped her neck. Adam crawled over to Calla pulling her still body next to his own. Her began crying so hard he was having trouble breathing. Layla and Evan rushed over to them. The old woman stepped towards them, "It's not over yet." Layla was angry, "Who the hell are you?" "It doesn't matter who I am, only what I came here for." She placed her left hand on Adam's back, then her right hand on Evan's back. As she closed her eyes she began chanting odd words none of them understood. Both boys heads shot up as a visible ball of energy left them. "The prophecy is over." She began to walk away. Layla shouted after her, "What have you done to them?" But the woman never responded. When her back was towards them and she was only a few yards away she dissipated into a black mist. The three of them exchanged glances then finally all rested their eyes on Calla's tranquil face.

The Calm Before...

Summer was melting into autumn. The leaves on the trees had changed color, but had not yet fallen. Weather was cooling down with still a hint of summer lingering in the air reminding you it had not left quite yet. Beyond the trees the tranquil water of the creek told a story underneath. Two heads abruptly erupted to the surface. Their bodies intertwined in an embrace as their lips gently glided together. As they pulled away he brushed the silver hair off of her face. She stared deeply into his soft brown eyes before whispering, "I love you Allan of earth." He flashed the special smile that only belonged to her, "I love you too Sarah of water." "Then marry me. Let's marry right now before it all happens and we lose the only chance we may ever have." Allan shook his head, "There is nothing I have wanted more in my entire lifetime, but I won't marry you." He bit his lip before continuing, "Not until we have survived it all and we will survive." Clearly frustrated Sarah began to swim away from him back towards the land. Without hesitation he followed her. Since the children had left the two of them had had plenty of time to focus their energies on rekindling the romance they had once left behind. Swimming lessons, gardening side by side, quiet nights in front of the fire, and Sarah had even managed to muster the courage to climb a small tree. Ending each day wrapped in each other's arms with the joy of waking up next to one another each morning. They had been virtually inseparable until this moment when Sarah had been hurt by Allan's rejection. On land she grabbed one of the towels to begin drying herself off. Instead of reaching for the other towel Allan wrapped his arms around her from behind. She fell into him feeling calmness sweep through her entire body. They held each other in silence while tears slipped down her cheek. They had lived in a world of ignorant bliss for nearly an entire year, but now with less than a month to go until the boys turned twenty-one it had all become too loud to ignore. It was heading their way whether they were ready for it or not. The worst part was all the uncertainty surrounding them. What was coming? How would they fight it? Would any of them make it through? As if reading her thoughts he said, "I just want to enjoy this time with you. Let us not make hasty decisions based on fears. If a month from now you still wish to marry me then I will make sure you have the most beautiful wedding of your dreams. For you Sarah I would give the world to and there is no doubt in my mind after everything happens there will still be plenty of a world to give." She turned to face him, "I was such a fool to ever walk away from you." "All that matters is that we are together now. Things have a way of happening just as they were meant to." With his thumb he tipped her face up to his, then lowered his lips down towards hers. ***** Feeling as if she were an entire world away Calla was nestled on one of the highest branches of her oak tree. Her back leaned against the trunk with her right leg stretched out along the branch while her left leg dangled carelessly. She played with the end of her braided hair wishing she could keep this moment forever with it's beautiful simplicity. Her brown eyes stared longingly at her grandpa playing in the water with Sarah. Their story was not yet over, in fact it had found an entirely new beginning. Despite that watching them was bitter sweet for two reasons: it had taken them forever to get back to where they had once left off as young lovers, so much time wasted when time was the most valuable thing they all had. Secondly Calla wondered if Adam and her would ever be able to enjoy old age together. Would any of them find their happily ever after? Since she had returned home with Layla and the boys, Calla had chosen to spend the majority of her time with the oak tree that opened her eyes to a world she could have never imagined for herself. Her theory was that hearing those words all over again as an older and somewhat wiser person would shed some fresh perspective on it all. Perhaps there was some detail she had previously missed, maybe after everything that had happened over the years she could understand everything just a bit better than when she was that five year old little girl. The only difference as far as she could tell was that the story had unfolded past the birth of the boys up until more recent times. Frustration reigned in every part of her as she was presented with information she not only knew, but for the most part had experienced first hand. There had to be some reason the tree had chosen her besides the obvious link to her grandfather, the boy from the generation who had come so close to offsetting the prophecy before the one who actually had. Adam and Evan were the prophecy in the flesh, Layla was their guide, but what role did Calla play if any at all? Her mind flashed back to Layla's ugly words about Calla being some insignificant sidekick in the prophecy. She now knew Layla hadn't fully meant what she said, yet it rang some truth to it. Even if one could argue the fact that because Calla was born of earth it helped to ensure that all four elements worked together, Calla could argue that it could have been anyone born of earth. Why her? What made her so special? What could she do that someone else couldn't? A gentle breeze blew through the branches tickling Calla's bare skin. As high up as she was there was no fear within her for the possible fall to the solid earth below. Her kinship with this tree had created a trust that ran as deep as it's roots. Although all those born of earth have a particular connection with nature, Calla had the rare gift of communication with trees. It was with this oak tree especially that she felt she could know herself best. Suddenly she stopped playing with her hair, swung her right leg to the side, and grabbed the branch she was sitting on with both hands. Her grip was so tight her knuckles were white. Her eyes widened with surprise. This tree. Her connection. The communication. Her focus had been on the messages she received from the tree while she failed to realize she could send messages right back. Calla could only hope that what she needed to say would get to the right person and within the short amount of time they had left. She swung both legs around, placed her left hand gently on the trunk of the oak tree and began to speak, "You do not know me, but I know you. You are the only one that can help us." ******** Walking down the Main street in Nyack Layla and Evan enjoyed their ice cream cones on this unusually warm autumn night. Unfortunately they had discovered most stores close early on week nights, a concept neither of them could comprehend, but then again it made for a quiet night with not many people around. For a moment it was easy to forget what was barreling towards them, they could claim temporary amnesia in an effort to enjoy this beautiful night just the two of them. Evan smirked, "You know the way you're licking that cone makes it very hard for me to keep things PG between us." Layla rolled her eyes, "Is everything about sex with you?" With his free hand he grabbed hers, their fingers interlacing, and he replied, "Not everything. You look beautiful tonight." "You don't have to sweet talk me, I'm already sleeping with you." "Now whose making it all about sex?" he teased. They made their way through the park and sat side by side on some vacant swings. It was as if they were the only two people that existed in the world as the quiet of night surrounded them. There were certain people that could have entire conversations without saying a single word. Layla and Evan were not those kinds of people. Their conversations were aggressive, hostile, and combative not unlike a sword fight to the death. In this evening alone they had argued if ice cream was a valid form of dinner, the Palisades super mall verses the family friendly Nanuet Mall, if people should curb their dogs, the legalization of marijuana, and right now the continuation of training. Layla's lips pursed, "The training is done because I say it's done." Evan gave Layla a hale Hitler salute, "I didn't realize militant dictators gave up right before the big battle. Maybe you've just run out of steam and have nothing left to give." Layla stood up with her fists by her side, "You're not the only one on the front line here. This whole thing is bigger than you and me." Evan stood up to literally go toe to toe with her just as they had done so many times before, "Are you saying there are things you know that you aren't telling us? Do you think it's smart to keep us in the dark?" "Oh that's sweet coming from you Mr. has a deep connection to mommy every night but let me keep it on the downlow to protect everyone's fragile feelings. For such a smart guy you really are a complete moron." "You think I wanted those dreams? They haunted me, made me ill." Evan sat back down on the swing looking completely deflated. It wasn't like him to ever back down from an argument, but Layla had hit his weak spot. She knelt down in front of him. With a gentleness in her voice, "Hey if we had known we could have helped block her. You can control the connection. There are ways, that is why Sarah didn't know your father was still alive all these years despite her efforts to reach out to him. That is also why my father knew I was safe after I left home because I allowed him to sense me." Evan looked into her eyes, "You know ever since that day I nearly killed you I have felt you with me always. It's as if you were a part of me I just couldn't shake and that's how I found you in the Hudson when you tried to..." Layla cut him off, "When I nearly made the biggest mistake of my life. Something I could never do again because now you're a part of me", she patted the tattoo above her heart, "You all are. That's why I'm in this with you on the front line until the very end." *************** This plan came into motion along his travels with the rest of them although the details stayed deep within him. For the last couple of weeks he threw himself into a deep meditation in an effort to form that connection deep within himself. Since the crossover had happened Adam had focused his energies n trying to understand his once dormant fire self. It wasn't lost on Adam that he had grown up with the fortune of a water mentor in his grandma and now a fire mentor in Evan, when Evan had never had anyone to show him the way. Sometimes it was all too easy to take for granted that all along someone had always been there to guide him. Yet some roads he knew he must walk alone. They were all sitting around a large bonfire drinking beers, laughing, and living without a care in the world. As if his presence was sensed all eyes turned towards him at his unexpected arrival. It was clear from their vacant expressions that none of them had the faintest idea who he was, but that didn't matter because he wasn't there for them. With a fierce determination that had taken practically a lifetime to build he made his way right to the person he had come for. It only took an instant for recognition to register on her face. Her lips curved into a devious smile while her eyes glittered like that of a wolf sizing up it's prey. Adam was direct and to the point, "We need to talk." The man sitting next to her stood up, "Who the hell are you?" She stood up alongside her companion placing her arm across his chest, "Now that's no way to treat a welcomed guest. I'll make sure everyone makes you feel right at home. Someone grab him a beer." Adam shook his head, "I'm not twenty one yet and you out of all people should know that. Mom."

Breaking Boundaries

On Adam and Evan's twentieth birthday Layla came back. It was almost as if she was this different person who smiled and laughed with a softness to her that had never existed before. Perhaps in some ways this is who she was all along deep underneath it all. The time she spent with her family erased the dark cloud that once loomed over her. And it was on that day Layla revealed the tattoo above her heart as the same one Calla, Adam, and Evan had on each of their shoulders.

Despite everything Layla was still Layla. "Happy Birthday and all that. Realize this is the countdown until all things come to a head. This will also be the most difficult part of the training. I need your complete trust, dedication, and of course discipline." On the last word she winked at Evan.

Her and Evan had exchanged letters on a weekly basis since she returned back to her childhood home. They didn't email, text, or even call one another on the phone. He respected that she needed that time to focus on being with them, there was so much lost time to catch up on. It was Evan who had insisted before he left that she remain in contact with him. And it was through these letters that their relationship really grew into something so much more than either had anticipated. Although neither one knew exactly where they stood at this point; Layla hoped it was something they could figure out together if they managed to survive what was ominously barreling towards them.

She took her usual stance with arms crossed over her chest as she made direct eye contact with each mentee. "Pack your bags. Only bring with you what you absolutely need. We are going on a long trip to learn first hand what we are up against. You will be pushed beyond your current emotional and physical limitations, so brace yourselves because this is about to get real intense."

Calla and Adam began to laugh. Layla lost her cool, "Did I not just explain how serious this is? What exactly don't the two of you understand about that?!

Calla stifled her giggles, "It's just that Evan said those same exact words to us a while back. 'Brace yourselves, this is about to get real intense'. You two really are in sync, aren't you? It's cute."

Before Layla could respond Evan jumped in, "Not everyone wants to live out some Disney fantasy romance. Why don't you guys focus on what you have and leave us out of it? Layla please continue."

Layla nods her head, "Whoa, I'm gone for a little while and someone develops manners. I'm impressed."

Evan laughs, "If you'd prefer me feisty I can make that happen too, but we better send the kids away first."


*****

They traveled for approximately nine months. Of course being born of air Layla felt it was her job to mentally prepare them as best as she could. She was especially thankful for all the traveling she had done with her father as a child because it set the road map for the journey she needed to take them on. It was her father taht helped her make connections with various circles so they would have food and lodging along the way.

As they approached the first fallen villages attacked by the revolutionists Layla placed her hand on Adam's chest to stop him. Her voice was filled with concern, "I want you to be especially careful. This will affect you differently from the others."

Adam cocked his head to the side, "My weakness is my empathy."

Layla lowered her arm, "It is also your greatest strength."

"That's what Calla says."

Layla looks over at Calla,"She is a very smart girl. Are you ready for this?"

He nodded and all four of them went forward. As soon as they crossed over into the water village the pain nearly crippled Adam. He fell down to his knees squinting his eyes shut while screaming. The essence of everyone his mother had killed called out to him filling his heart with their cries for help. Calla knelt down beside him and wrapped her arms around him rocking them both back and forth.

Layla rushed over, "No, let him feel it. This is very important."

Evan yelled, "Are you nuts? It's going to end up killing him. Let Calla calm him down or maybe we should just get the hell out of here."

Layla walked over to block Evan's path to Adam. "Please trust me." She was aggressive while pleading with him at the same time. She yelled over her shoulder, "Adam don't let this break you."

Evan gave Layla a look to express he understood. She stepped aside and he walked towards Adam. He gave Calla a look to let her know he had this. He knelt down beside his brother. "Focus on your breathing first. You have to be one with them. Like me with the fire. You can do this. We can do this." Evan grabbed his Adam's hand.

Layla whispered, "transference."

When Adam allowed him they both became equal water and fire. Calla backed away and stood next to Layla as they watched the most horrific and beautiful thing imaginable. Adam and Evan became engulfed in liquid flames. It was too much for either of them to handle on their own, yet together it seemed to have strengthened them. They cried, not for themselves but for all the lost souls unable to move on. The event lasted a couple of hours. When it was all over the boys let go of one another and fell over.


At night Calla stayed up a little longer than everyone else to listen to the trees. Although most born of earth had a natural kinship with wildlife, Calla's bond to trees was particularly strong. The trees had chosen her to trust their secrets to. This was her role in the prophecy, the historian. It was almost as if that large oak tree sought he out all those years ago. Calla was finding along this excursion so many trees wanted to help guide her.

One particular evening the four of them were roasting marshmallows by a campfire when Calla dropped her stick to the ground. Her face went completely pale. The other's tried talking to her, but it was as if she was in a trance. Then a calm washed over her while she smiled shyly to herself. A few tears tumbled down her cheeks. She stood up and walked away.

When Adam stood up to follow her Layla signaled for him to stay. Impatiently he asked, "What's going on?"

Layla replied, "Her parents spirits are talking to her through the trees. Give her this time to be with the them in the only way she can."

"How do you know all this crap?" Evan asked.

Layla threw a gram cracker at him, "While you were busy goofing off I spent my free time learning as much as I could about anything, especially all things related to the prophecy."

"Didn't you ever have any fun?" Adam wanted to know.

Layla shrugged, "I think fun is a matter of perspective. For me this was my source of fun. That and getting naked with your brother."

Adam grimaced, "Thanks for that disturbing image."

Calla rejoined them a short while later. She put a fresh marshmallow on her stick and started roasting it like nothing had happened. After a few minutes she looked at Adam and Evan sitting across from her. "Your father is alive."

The Road to Home

You were once a piece of me
That has left entirely
Hopefully I can learn to be
Once more a part of you completely

Adam stared down at his journal analyzing the poem he had just written. It wasn't about just one person. The reality was that he felt lost without all of them playing a major part in his life. This world made no sense without them in it and he would rather hurt with them around then be empty without them. The problem was that he had no idea how to make things right again. This was a web entangled on so many levels.

He stared across the room at Evan's empty bed. Although technically Evan was the older one, it was often Adam who had assumed the big brother role. He worried where his brother was and if he was coming home at all. It had been more than a week since schools let out for break. Had things really gotten to that point? Maybe Adam should plan an impromptu trip down to the city to confront Evan and finish the conversation they had started months before. He looked back down at the mostly empty page of his journal hoping answers would appear for him.

It was as if she had materialized out of nowhere. Suddenly Calla was standing by the foot of Adam's bed. On instinct he jumped up, pulled her into him, and whispered apologies into her hair. She was his calm. He was a fool to have pushed her away all this time. Maybe the two of them could figure out a way to make their family whole again.

Calla pointed to a severely wilted flower on Adam's nightstand, "Is that?"

He nodded, "The flower you healed the day I first saw you. That night I picked it and have kept it in my journal ever since."

"How did I never know about it?"

"It was something I wanted to keep for myself. Recently I think we have all learned that despite our best intentions secrets can be a very dangerous thing."

Calla took the flower into her hand, shut her eyes, and began chanting quietly to herself. It was as if Adam was time traveling back to that day all those years ago. Once again right before his eyes he saw the wilted flower come into full bloom. When Calla opened her eyes she handed the flower to Adam. "It has healed and so will your heart."


*****

Sarah was sitting on the floor by the fire drinking a warm cup of tea when someone abruptly entered the house. There was the familiarity of his scent as well as the softness of his foot steps as they approached her. She didn't even have to turn around to know who it was. "Calla is upstairs with Adam. I'm trying really hard to not be so square about it all."

Allan sat down next to her, took away her tea, and wrapped his hands around hers. Those gentle eyes got her every time. No matter what had happened he was home to her and always would be. When you've known someone for a lifetime there is a way to have an entire conversation without saying a single word. The two of them just sat there smiling like the giddy teenagers they once were, then as if it was the most natural thing in world they leaned in and kissed. It wasn't the deep passionate kiss of their youth, but it was still just as special.

Allan ran his thumb along the outline of his face, "I let you walk away from me once before. I'll be damned if I'm going to let it happen again."

"What took you so long?"

Then they became very aware of a presence looming over them. Allan cleared his throat awkwardly, "Evan. Hello."

"I think the parent is supposed to walk in on their kid fooling around, not the other way around. Then again everything seems to be backwards around here anyways. I need to talk to Adam, is he here?"

Sarah stood up, "Where have you been all week? I called the school and they said you weren't there. I was worried."

He let out a sigh, "I had to take care of something for a friend. I'll explain everything, I promise. Is Adam here?"

"He's upstairs with Calla", Allan replied.

Evan smiled "Even better." Before either of them could respond he took off up the stairs towards his room.


*****
Adam and Calla were sitting on Adam's bed laughing and talking when Evan burst into the room. They both looked at him with wide eyed expressions. Evan walked right over to where they were sitting, pulled a chair from the nearby desk, and sat directly in front of them. He looked each of them squarely in the face, "I want to try something, but I need you both to be open to it. I was originally going to only do this with Adam, but I think Calla could benefit too."

Calla shook her head, "I don't know Evan."

Evan nodded, "I understand your hesitation. I have broken a trust, but I strongly believe this will be the way to fix it. It's called transference and if you let me I want to try to show you my dreams."

"Eighteen years worth of dreams? We could be here a while", Adam responded.

Evan reached out a hand to each of them, "No, this will be more of the highlight reel. Please give me a chance."

Calla grabbed his left hand while Adam grabbed his right one. Then came the disclaimer, "Brace yourselves, this is about to get real intense."