The Past Isn't Really Just The Past

It is often said that by living in the past you are ignoring the present and therefore denying yourself a future. Well I have to respectfully disagree because it is the path of our past that brought us to our current circumstances and will ultimately pave the way for whatever future we may have. Our past triumphs and failures helped shape the person we are and therefore cannot be so easily dismissed.

Recently I have experienced some hurdles with people close in my life because something I said or did triggered something in them from a past hurt. In one said situation I am embarrassed to say I actually requested that the person sweep that past underneath the rug and just try to move forward with me. My reasoning, as faulty as it was, was that I just didn't want to deal with it because of what negativity it may bring me. For priding myself on being an incredibly empathetic person that was a very callous action. How can I ever expect to build a relationship with someone without really knowing where they came from and how it got them to the here and now? The answer is that I can't.

People with all their many woven layers fascinate me. There is always this strong desire to dig deeper, unlock the mysteries of what makes this person's wheels turn and how they turn. And most people in your life will have come into your life somewhere in the middle of a journey, your beginning with them is not their actual beginning. What was the prequel to their story? Everyone has an origin.

If I want to develop something deeper than a casual acquaintanceship with someone I need to allow them the opportunity to open themselves up to me in ways that will most likely make both of us very uncomfortable. There will be stories they will tell that are not suitable for the Disney crowd. I need to shut up and listen, then offer my compassion and support. To really establish something with someone I hope to have in my life long term I need to create a safe space where they can lower their guard to let me see past the superficialities they may present to the rest of the world. And in all fairness I need to do the same in return; share, open, let them in. Yes, this creates an opportunity for extreme vulnerability where either of us may very well get hurt again OR it may create a chance for both of us to bond on a mutual trust that was born in that moment of emotional intimacy. 

There is such negativity surrounding past "baggage", but why does it have to be that way? If someone is happy or successful or damaged or cruel it's for a reason. People aren't just they way they are just because; the universe made them that way through a series of events, circumstances, and experiences. There is really no such thing as a completely clean slate or fresh start short of entire amnesia and even then it won't erase the impact you have had on others.

It's important to me that the bonds I establish with the people in my life are as genuine as possible. That means we have to allow the ugly to shine through and we all have a bit of ugly in us. I have to recognize that this person in front of me didn't just materialize out of nowhere, they walked a certain path that got them to this point in time. Go back in time, travel that path with them, allow them to travel mine with me. Recognize that we all have scars as proof we survived something. Don't be afraid of it.

Honestly I can't decide if I am more afraid of me or them, but I do recognize the very reality of this fear and my need to face it head on. 

Looks Aren't Everything, but They Really Kind of Are

In sixth grade I had a good friend Robert Curti. A natural friendship developed based on the close proximity of our lockers. He was also half hobbit like myself which brought about a mutual appreciation for being so small in such a large world, after all we had giant eight graders lurking around every corner. One of my favorite things about this friendship was how much we made one another laugh. Laughter is kind of one of my things, I might even adore it more than cheese. (another story for another time)

So what did I do? What I always do…I began crushing on my friend. I couldn't have just left well enough alone, nope I had to develop this monster "doodling his name in hearts on my notebook while daydreaming about our storybook wedding" crush. I know I am not completely alone in this. You have that awesome friend that gets certain pop culture references others don't, the person that makes you smile after that killer Social Studies test, and they are kind of nice to look at too. We as a human race are incredibly shallow, a point I will get into more later, but it is completely true and we should just all drown in this puddle of shallowness from time to time….or maybe not, I don't know, I digress.

Now remember this is middle school, so things must get handled a certain way. I told a mutual friend, Michael Sarracino, to tell Robert that I liked him as more than a friend and to find out if he liked me too. I know you are all on the edge of your seats and although I understand the many benefits of delayed gratification I am one impatient bitch, so here we go:

Michael reports back to me, "Robert said you are so incredibly smart. He likes how down to earth you are and that you're not some stuck up snob like most of the girls around here. He loves your morning chats, you always make him laugh….but you're a complete dog and he would never date you."

Obviously I was crushed by my crush, I understand that's how things often play out. I mean if everybody I crushed on crushed on me too, well there just aren't enough hours in the day to be with that many people….woah mama! And even though Robert hurt my feelings, I really didn't want to lose the friendship, but he was completely done with me. He immediately started bullying me so harshly (words do hurt my friends) that I started carrying around all my books on me to avoid going to my locker or when I absolutely had to go I never went alone. Strength in numbers and all that. :-(

I felt an emoticon was appropriate there, so I added it.

Robert wasn't the first to do that to me and definitely not the last. Throughout the rest of middle school, high school, and college I was told multiple times how I was just not attractive enough or too fat, mostly it was that I was too fat, to be dateable. ::sigh:: Obviously this gave me a bit of a complex and even though there were some very wonderful people in my life that would tell me just how beautiful they found me, that was never what I saw looking back in me in the mirror. I would fixate on all the things supposedly wrong with me physically: bad hair, acne, overweight, scars, ect.

About two years ago I got my life on track because of some problems that arose from living a very very unhealthy life. I lost weight and with that gained the desire to put much more effort into my appearance (I didn't even see the point in trying before) by doing my hair, making certain fashion choices, occasionally wearing some make-up. The Robert Curti's of the world started treating me quite differently.

I started getting Facebook friend requests from people that wanted nothing to do with me back in school now insisting we catch up and get together. I got my very first cat call while walking to my car after work one day. Two men literally fought over who could hold the door for me at the bank a couple of weeks ago. And sometimes without asking retailers will give me stuff heavily discounted or for free. I just kept saying that people were being so nice to me all of a sudden and it was pointed out to me that people aren't THAT nice, they're shallow and think I am hot. The kindness is a ploy to get into my pants. Interesting side note, I mostly wear skirts and dresses. I just felt the need to point out a potential hole in the statement of getting into my pants.

While I can appreciate all the attention, I am still the same person just with a shinier spruced out exterior. And honestly a good deal of the time I do NOT see what others see when I see myself. I still have a tendency to fixate on what still needs to be worked on. I am still being judged for my looks. Before people didn't want to get to know me because I wasn't appealing to them and now fairly often people ONLY want to get to know me because I look appetizing to them. In the past year I have had "friends" that kept me around because they thought I was nice to look at, but didn't particularly care for me as a person. Those people have since been voted off the island.

I understand when we see something pretty we get excited, I am certainly no exception to this. But I do still believe a person is much more than the sum of their outward appearance. This is why I have and always will have people in my life of all shapes, sizes, and colors. There is a currently vacancy for a purple trapezoid friend if you know of any.

I am also very humbled by this experience because on some level deep down to me I will always be that ugly little girl no one wanted. I'm a work in progress, but then again who isn't?