Nothing fancy, just jeans and a t-shirt

As long as I can remember I was the girl with a plan. When I was five years old I could have easily laid out the next ten years of my life for you; the plan would go through several changes as time passed but there was in fact always a plan.

I have no plan. I stare into the uncertainty of my future with giant pools of fear in my eyes. I am that vulnerable little child searching desperately for the cubby with her name on it. Where is my place? Can someone hold my tiny hand and show me the way?

We're working on getting rid of our house through a process called "Deed in lieu of foreclosure". Essentially what this means is instead of trying to put our house on the market and sell it by traditional means, we're looking to sign it back over to the bank and walk away. There would be no fines, fees, penalties, or dark marks on our credit. It's an application process and if approved it can move rather quickly, like 30-90 days. The #1 reason people do this is divorce. We sent out our application about two weeks ago and haven't heard back yet. My brilliant brother who does mortgages for living told me about this. Banks hate the lengthy and costly foreclosure process, so this is why they consider this option in the first place.

Will they approve us? My brother is 90% sure they will. So if this happens, then where do I go? My family lives over 1000 miles away and I don't have a friend that can put my up, so I need to find a place of my own asap. This can't be just any place, but a place I can stay at for at least 2-3 years until I'm ready to move onto a more permanent place. Moving is both stressful and expensive, so I need a place I can call home and living on my own will be expensive, can't afford much. My living situation is in limbo and that sucks. I look around my dream home and it no longer feels like home to me, all I see are things I have to pack up and/or divide up with Antonio.

My boss is giving me until November at the latest to find another job or she's letting me go. When I told her I needed a raise and benefits because of my impending divorce she flat out refused me and told me I should start looking elsewhere. In under a month she hired my replacement and said she can't afford to keep both of us on for too long. Does she not understand the crappy job market? An employer can find someone right away, but an employee can be searching for weeks-months-years. I've been looking everyday, applied to over a hundred places, and had a few interviews...nothing yet. And the places I'm looking at will most likely mean a pay-cut, I make barely enough to survive on my own now. My job situation is in limbo too.

And I have sworn off dating. I know there are many great intelligent romantic loyal and loving men out there, but none of them seem to want me. I find the liars, users, and manipulators. Plus I need time to myself to heal from my failed marriage and build a healthy relationship with myself.

I haven't written poetry, my novel, my blog in months. I promise nothing to anyone. I'm just trying to survive here and that's hard enough.