Missing Someone Who Has Lost Herself

Confessional Tuesday

Dear Alexis,

I miss you even though I shouldn't. I miss the girl I met my sophomore year of college who stood by me when almost everyone else turned their backs on me. I miss the girl who said after my suicide attempt, "What can I do to be a better friend to you?" I remember the nights we'd laugh so hard I'd pee myself: quote book, playing in the fountain at SUNY, movies nights...

I remember when Mark and I went to visit you in Spain. You were spending the year studying abroad, but you seemed like you belonged there. We met your international friends, you played translator and in my case match maker, and we explored Sevilla together. Being overseas with you felt just as comfortable as being in my childhood home because you made it that way.

I remember all the trips I took to the other side of the Hudson River to hang out with you and your friends, who then became my friends. Slumber parties, chillin' in Jarod's basement, driving around aimlessly, and the diner where I got drunk off of water. You introduced me to the world of Harry Potter, the movies anyways. I still haven't read any of the books.

I remember the trip to Six Flags that we took with Elliot and Mark. I remember the New Years Eve/Dave's birthday party at my house. I remember my farewell party when I was going to Australia for the summer. I remember Jarod's graduation party. There were apparently a lot of parties...

So when I think back to the years of memories we built together, it pains me that you didn't care enough to try. When I called you that day to ask you to be my Maid of Honor I was so nervous that you would refuse me, I don't know why because you hadn't refused me once in our entire friendship. Because of the distance, me in S.C. and you in D.C., your traditional duties were severely shortened. In the end you had a year and half to write a speech, buy a dress, and show up. You showed up in the dress, but what happened to the speech?

You stood up there and summed up our entire friendship in about two minutes. You confessed after a few drinks to a some people that you hadn't written a speech at all. You even asked a mutual friend months earlier to write the speech for you. You broke my heart. I don't know who you became, but I don't miss that person.

Part of me questioned if I ever knew you at all. A year after my wedding the truth unfolded from several sources: you took all the credit at the time for my bachelorette party yet in reality had nothing to do with it but paying your way, you never made countless phone calls and email attempts to the various bridal party members like you had claimed (some of them said they had never even heard from you once), the long speech you said you spent more than a year working on but changed at the last minute because your boyfriend told you it was too much about me (no shit, I'm the bride) was never written at all.

You never gave me a single reason why when I asked you.

After our falling out I made several attempts to reach out to you and repair our friendship. You were going to visit me two summers ago, but had to cancel for work obligations. Then I find out you made five or six trips to NY that summer never once calling me to make plans. I leave you voice messages which you don't return. I send you emails, yet get no replies. You tell my husband and some of my friends how you miss me and regret the way things went down, but do nothing to make things right. I gave you so many chances to start fresh with me and you threw each one away like it meant nothing.

I miss you and I know I shouldn't. More than three years later I still hurt even though you probably don't. And I will never completely close off that part of my heart that you belong to because I just can't. I think our friendship is a buried treasure and maybe someday we'll find it again together.

Sincerely,
Laura