Some Insight

First and foremost I want to extend my gratitude. In the last few months things have been a bit rocky for me with my health, but what has helped more than anything is knowing that I am not alone. People in my life have shown me in numerous ways that they care and offered their support in any way they could. I am so incredibly thankful.

A number of you on my feed have expressed your concern about what has been going on with me lately and I haven't been very transparent, but I am ready to open up.

Since November I have been to the ER three times. I have missed several days of work, gone through many tests, and consulted with various doctors. The medical world agrees there is definitely something wrong, but they just can't figure out what...yet. I am hopeful they will at some point and then we can start a course of action to get me back on the road to wellness.

But I am scared of the unknown right now. There are so many questions floating around in my head with very few answers. What is wrong with me? Will anyone ever figure it out? Am I going to get better?

My level of stress has skyrocketed causing daily anxiety attacks. These anxiety attacks have increased in length and severity. Often I am brought to tears by just how intense they get. These attacks have woken me up in the middle of the night on several occasions.

Lately I have been on edge lashing out at people I care about. They are only trying to help me and have done nothing to deserve my behavior, for this I am deeply and truly sorry. I am not acting like myself and very unhappy about it. I started to lose hope, became depressed about what was going on as things continued to get worse. 

My job, my family, my friendships are all suffering because I can't get a handle on this. I take responsibility for my actions. I promise I am doing the best I can to get back to me; I am proactively seeking medically attention as well as starting a variety of medications.

I want my life back. I want to be me again. 

Thank you for the kindness, compassion, and patience of those who have stood by me when I recognize just how easy it would be to walk away. This is a lot to deal with, it isn't pretty, but I'm going to push through it.

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