Some Insight

First and foremost I want to extend my gratitude. In the last few months things have been a bit rocky for me with my health, but what has helped more than anything is knowing that I am not alone. People in my life have shown me in numerous ways that they care and offered their support in any way they could. I am so incredibly thankful.

A number of you on my feed have expressed your concern about what has been going on with me lately and I haven't been very transparent, but I am ready to open up.

Since November I have been to the ER three times. I have missed several days of work, gone through many tests, and consulted with various doctors. The medical world agrees there is definitely something wrong, but they just can't figure out what...yet. I am hopeful they will at some point and then we can start a course of action to get me back on the road to wellness.

But I am scared of the unknown right now. There are so many questions floating around in my head with very few answers. What is wrong with me? Will anyone ever figure it out? Am I going to get better?

My level of stress has skyrocketed causing daily anxiety attacks. These anxiety attacks have increased in length and severity. Often I am brought to tears by just how intense they get. These attacks have woken me up in the middle of the night on several occasions.

Lately I have been on edge lashing out at people I care about. They are only trying to help me and have done nothing to deserve my behavior, for this I am deeply and truly sorry. I am not acting like myself and very unhappy about it. I started to lose hope, became depressed about what was going on as things continued to get worse. 

My job, my family, my friendships are all suffering because I can't get a handle on this. I take responsibility for my actions. I promise I am doing the best I can to get back to me; I am proactively seeking medically attention as well as starting a variety of medications.

I want my life back. I want to be me again. 

Thank you for the kindness, compassion, and patience of those who have stood by me when I recognize just how easy it would be to walk away. This is a lot to deal with, it isn't pretty, but I'm going to push through it.

Someone With Chronic Health Problems

It is hard to have someone in your life with chronic health problems. There's just no way around the cold hard truth. They can be emotionally, physically, and financially draining.

Someone with chronic health issues can be unreliable at best, you just never know when they will bail on you at the last minute without warning because of an episode. It could have been an event really important to you that had been all planned out and anticipated for weeks, but suddenly they are a no-go. Or how about everyday social restrictions? This person just simply cannot participate in certain activities you enjoy because of their chronic health issues. This can be crippling to what could have been a thriving social life.

Someone with chronic health problems is probably a bit needy. They most likely don't want to be this way, that's just how it is. There will be times the people in their life will have to drop what they are doing and rearrange entire schedules to accommodate the latest health crisis. Drive them to appointments. Be on call for emergencies. Play nurse in the least sexy and fun way possible. If you choose to be in their life then be prepared that at any given moment you may get that unpleasant phone call to come running to their rescue.

Someone with chronic health problems will most likely be an emotional roller coaster. Yes, things can always be worse. They may be lucky and have a condition that does have ample medical research, medicines, and treatments that can help stabilize them. Then again they may not. Either way in that moment when they are suffering they may lose the ability to look beyond the pain to all the great things in their life, including you the wonderful partner/friend/family member, who has stood by them. In that moment of suffering they may be hurt, angry, stressed, depressed, and probably a combination of all of them. They may lash out at you because you're healthy and they are not, let me emphasize they would never wish this upon you and that they are only frustrated at your inability to relate.

Someone with chronic health problems might not feel like a person at all but a factory recall defect. They live life in suspense unsure when the next flare up will happen or how bad it will be. They are at the mercy of medical professionals who may be guessing at the ways to help them. They may fear that they are broken and unlovable. These feelings may be based on painful past experiences.

Someone with chronic health problems may end up being dishonest. This isn't in a way to manipulate you or deceive you in some hurtful way, this is a safeguard. They may downplay just how bad things are because they don't want to worry others or feel like they have become someone's burden. Sometimes they are being dishonest with themselves and they push through harder than they should which will just end up causing more harm than good. Often they smile through the pain because it seems like the path of least resistance.

Someone with chronic health problems cannot live life spontaneously. Each day they must map out what they are capable of doing. Conscious choices must be made and more often than not things will not go as planned, things will not get accomplished even if they really needed to. There are days that getting out of bed, leaving the house, and facing the world are a giant victory.

Sometimes it's hard to recognize that you are a person with a disease and not the disease itself.

This is written for those who have chronic health problems to know that you are not alone. There are so many of us out there who face the battle every day whether we want to or not. This was also written for those who chose to be in the live's of those with chronic health issues. We need love, support, compassion, and advocates when we are unable to do those things for ourselves.

This is not about pity and this is not about those who have chosen to exit my life. This is a hard path to walk and I choose to walk it rather than give up. Thankfully I know that I am not walking this alone

The Spoon Theory http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/w…