That Was soooo 10 Years Ago...

It happened againt last night. There I was back at Nyack High School in some non-descript classroom when C started making fun of me. Then J, M, and E joined in. "No one likes you" "You're fat" "You're ugly" "You're a complete loser". I just sat there trying to ignore them, but the taunting got louder and more persistant as others joined in. There was no teacher around to stop it, not that they ever did. Thankfully this time it didn'tget physical. When most people wake up from a nightmare they can calmly remind themselves that it was just a dream, but the problem is that for me it's more of a memory.

Bullied, teased, picked-on however you want to word it the reality is that it happened to me the entire twelve years I attended the Nyack School System. Kids are cruel, I get it. And as an adult I now know and believe that people who bully are insecure and unhappy people who make themselves feel better by making others feel worse. So why after more than a decade is it still haunting me? Most of the time when I dream it's actually a nightmare and the most common nightmare I have is being back in school reliving the torment a second time around.

You're probably thinking "What's the big deal? Everyone has faced a little bullying in their life." The thing is it wasn't just "a little bullying". A good friend's father told me a couple of years back that as a parent, not even my parent, he knew I got it so bad. Other classmates of mine admitted to me that they personally didn't know anyone that got it worse than me. There was even a point during my senior year that I missed so much class because I was afraid to go to school. You can't go through something traumatic for the twelve most formative years of your life and just walk away like it never happened. The fucked up thing is I bet the ones who bullied me haven't thought even once about what happened since graduation day. They moved on, why wouldn't they?

I am still hurting and unable to let go. I wish I knew how. Years of therapy didn't help either. And I'm not naive enough to think I'll get closure with these people in the form of an apology. They might be good people now, they might still be jerks, who knows? It's not like either side is willing to reach out to the other.

This blog was not about empathy, it's just because sometimes you need to vent and get it all out. This is a healthy way of me recognizing what happened and admitting that there is nothing I can do to change it. And until I find resolution within myself the nightmares will probably continue.

Multiple Personality Disorder

There is a theory that in every great piece of fiction lies a kernal of truth. My novel (considered great by my standards) is no exception to this. It has been questioned on more than one occasion if any of my six characters are based either on myself or on people I know. The answer is yes. They are all in some way a part of me: well four of them are.

Lauren, the most obvious if not by name or physical description, comes into the lives of the other five characters after something dark happens to her. Instead of facing this dark event she chooses to run away in an effort to escape it. The pre-ceding event, rather events because its more than more one, are based on specific things that happened to me when I was sixteen years old. The essence of who Lauren is is who I was or in some ways still am today.

Reed in so many ways is who I want to be. Not literally a sex-obsessed, pot smoking, porn addict, but someone who is bold and fearless. Although he could be considered selfish and impulsive, Reed is raw and lives life for himself. He isn't caught up in what others think of him, he just travels the best path he chooses for himself. Reed is about action, experimenting, and isn't afraid to ruffle a few feathers. He says what most people are thinking but too self selconscious to say themselves.

Perry is the ultimate selfless person, always putting himself last. Perry will give so much of himself until there is nothing left. He's a people pleaser which turns him into a bit of a doormat at times. Perry enjoys the simple things in life and works hard for anything he has, nothing has been handed to him. My life has been full of constant challenges and struggles, so I believe I reflect that in Perry. Although Perry doesn't let it get to him the way I do.

Caleb above everything else is a dreamer. Caleb could spend countless hours thinking about all the wonderful things in life he wants to do, but that's all he does...day dream instead of going for it. Unfortunately this costs him a lot of good opportunities as life passes by him. I go through phases of being Caleb myself. Caleb, like me, can come up with all the excuses in the world to not do something instead of seeing all the reasons for actually going through with it.

Then there are two that are based on people I know, but to protect the innocent I will not disclose real names. Tyler has the most charmed life: good looking, intelligent, athletic, wealthy, and naturally excells at everything he does. The problem is Tyler knows how awesome he is which makes him pompous and condescending at times. He also doesn't appreciate all he has because it's been handed to him for the most part. Danielle (Dani) doesn't know how to love, is a complete tomboy, and brass with her words. Dani has plenty of opinions about others but she can't seem to figure out her own shit. She has personal space issues and a higher sex drive than the other five characters combined.

It is the combination of these six characters that drives the story and I couldn't picture it any other way. They frustrate yet inspire one another. And each of them has a specific journey they must travel. In writing this book I spoke in all six voices changing the POV, so in a way I felt like I had six different people running through my brain at any given point. Silly? Crazy? Maybe it's just the making of a great novelist. Who knows? I'm just beginning my own journey at this point.

The Blogger Awards

Thanks to Claire for giving me this award



The rules of this award are: State 7 truths about yourself, then pass to 7 bloggers.

1. When I was in the fifth grade I learned the song "Fifty Nifty United States", and nearly twenty years later I can still recite all fifty states in alphabetical order in about 20 seconds.

2. There are only eight "Kaponers" left in the world: my dad Ed Kaponer, my mom Lourdes Kaponer, my brother Rich Kaponer, my sister-in-law Kat Kaponer, my uncle Larry Kaponer, my aunt Linda Kaponer, my cousin Jason Kaponer, and myself Laura Kaponer-Abate. I knew when I got married not only would I keep my last name, but I plan to give Kaponer as the middle name to each of my children to pass the name along. It's important to me.

3. I collect things: DVD's, angels/faeries/cherubs, pencils, funky colored nail polish, baord games, shoes, cigar boxes, apple decor for my kitchen, funny t-shirts...

4. I am still a child at heart: afternoon naps, coloring books, stuffed animals, disney movies, sleep with a night light, call my parents "mommy" and "daddy".

5.Halloween is by far my fave holiday. I always dress up, never wear the same costume twice, and start planning my next costume November 1st

6. I am a medical anomaly; doctors can never figure out what's wrong with me when there are things clearly wrong with me. All exams, tests, and vitals come back normal even if I'm vomiting up green and randomly bleeding...not to gross anyone out, but it's so frustrating bc if they don't know what's wrong than they can't treat me properly.

7. I believe in fate, karma, and reincarnation. Even though I think I often get the shit end of the stick when I don't deserve it. That's what faith is about I guess, blindly believing.


I am passing this award onto:

Shannon at http://jenesaisquoi-blog.blogspot.com/
Tracy at http://tracylenore.blogspot.com/
Laurell at http://laurellbresette.blogspot.com/
Margot at http://margokelly.blogspot.com/
Henya at http://henya-writingismylife.blogspot.com/
E.J. at http://the-open-vein-ejwesley.blogspot.com/
Regina at http://regina-unsettled.blogspot.com/

V-Monolgues

Tonight I will be performing in the Albany Law school's 2010 Production of Eve Ensler's "Vagina Monologues" in a piece entitled My Vagina Was My Village.

This was a movement that started back in 1997 to raise money and awareness in hopes of stopping violence towards women. The play is highly controversial; where my parents live in Bluffton, SC members of the community try to ban the performance each year. (Thankfully my parents are not part of that anti-movement) The skits range from funny The Woman Who Loved to Make Vaginas Happy to moving I was There In The Room to heartbreaking My Vagina Was My Village. It's based on interviews of real women who had real experiences both good and bad with their vaginas. Although I am acting, the story I am telling is very real and I am honored to be a part of it again. My first time was undergrad at SUNY Albany in the skit When I was 12 My Mother Slapped Me

I would like to share a quote just to demonstrate exactly why these performances are so important:

"But if you can't rape your wife, who can you rape?" ~ Senator Bob Wilson, Democrat, California, 1979

last I checked marital rape is still legal in 11 states. That's more than 1/5 or 20% of this country. With that being said, support the movement for yourself; a sister; a friend; a wife; a mother; a daughter. Whether you know it or not you are probably connected to a woman who has survived violence against her. If you don't make it to the performance I'm involved in this weekend, google and find one near you or pick up the book. If you think "I am only one person, what can I do?" Eve Ensler was only one person too...

Friends w/ Benefits?

In my sequel "10 Years Later" I am exploring the complexities of friends with benefits. In my real life I never experienced this first hand, well I did, but that person is now my husband...

I am reaching out to my blog followers for some insight. These two particular characters have a romantic history, but because of present circumstance can't indulge in a full out romance. They are incredibly close friends who have sex with one another. Here are the questions I want to know:

Can friends with benefits really work?
What's the difference between a good friend you have sex with and someone you're dating?
How are rules or guidelines for the arrangement determined?
Is it a bad idea between two people who have a romantic history with one another?

Call me naive, but I just don't get it. I know it exists and works for some people out there, but how? Did two people overcome with hormones yet commitment issues just randomly decide upon this arrangement? I'm curious and I think in my understanding of the friends with benefits concept I can make my story more believable. Thanks for your help.

The Reason Was Dave

In the late 90's there was a Gwenyth Paltrow movie called "Sliding Doors". The premise behind it was that about ten seconds seperated this character from the life she currently led into a completely different one: whether she made it into the subway or not. The movie is split between the two scenerios and how her life played out because of this one event.

How many of us look back at events from our past thinking "What if I had gone the other way?"

My sophomore year of college I found myself in an unsual situation: two guys that wanted to date me. One was *Steve, a boy I had a strong sexual attraction to and then there was *Jake, someone I had a strong mental connection with. My heart told me Jake would be the better boyfriend because he was sweet, honest, and the type of person I could talk to for hours. Jake had very little experience when it came to relationships or sex, but I liked this about him because it meant he wasn't jaded. Steve was jaded coming from an on again off again on again relationship with a girl that openly cheated on him. Steve was more attractive, more sexually experienced, and all around more popular than Jake. I was nineteen which meant I followed my hormones instead of my head.

The relationship only lasted two weeks before Steve dumped me on my birthday for his bestfriend. I tried to see if Jake was still a viable option, but he had moved on. Smart guy refusing to be second place. I blew it with a great guy. For years I wondered what would have happened if I had chosen Jake? Would things have worked out better? Would I have remained friends with Steve? Suddenly I realized there was a completely viable third option: choose neither. Growing older and gaining some perspective does a funny thing to you sometimes.

Here's the thing because I chose Steve it led to a chain of events both good and bad to unfold in my life. One of the greatest things was that I took time off from school and met Dave. Nine years later Dave is one of the most important people to me in my life; I call him my "Brousin" because he's closer to me than a cousin yet not quite like a brother to me. Dave is someone who can handle all my insanity, someone who's sincere and passionate, and above all else loyal. Dave traveled over a thousand miles to attend my wedding in South Carolina. Dave called me when he heard through the grapevine that I was having a tough time adjusting to my life back in NY. Dave never judges, berates, or lectures me no matter how deserving I may be of it. He just loves and accepts me with my 100 quirks and all.

So looking back I made the right choice in the long run. Everything happens for a reason, you may not know the reason at the time or agree with the reason once you know it, but there is in fact a reason.

The Only Thing to Fear is Success Itself

About three years ago I lost over thirty pounds on Weight Watchers. I was living the program: exercising 2-3 times a day every day, drinking over 100 oz of water, and logging every bit of food I ate in my weekly tracker. I had acquired a reputation for how devoted I was to the program that more than one Weight Watcher's staff member approached me about becoming a leader once I hit my goal weight. At the time my goal weight was fifteen pounds away, I was already 2/3 there. The best part was how I felt: healthy.

That's when the self sabotaging began: food binges, skipping out on the exercise, ditching meetings and weigh-ins. Sadly I gained all the weight back and then some. Over the next three years I yo-yo'd back and forth losing the weight, gaining it back, losing the weight, you get the picture.

Am I afraid of my own success?

On 3/1/10 I started a new diet and exercise program convinced that although Weight Watchers is a fine program, it just wasn't a good fit for me. The first week on this new program I did very well losing nearly four pounds. Weeks two and three I strayed. Last night I'm sitting in front of the TV eating a pint of Death By Chocolate ice cream while my husband lectures me, "You spent all this money on a program you're not even following!" After years of hearing me whine about my weight and the way I look he was entitled to give me a stern scolding.

This is what I do though, stand in my own way, but why? Four years ago I wrote over 100 pages of a novel and for no good reason just walked away from it. In the eighth grade I had a producer in the music industry interested in contracting me for some original songs I wrote...I never followed through. And recently it took me nearly three months to get my fertility blood work done so I can find out the exact cause of my infertility and get the proper treatments. What exactly am I afraid of?

I want to become a successful novelist, a mother, and a thinner healthier version of myself yet any great strides I make in these efforts I end up building roadblocks. Deep down I don't think it's doubt in my ability to achieve these things, but rather fear of achieveing them. Does that make sense to anyone out there? And if it does would you mind explaining it to me?